chris24 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Well, my ex and I had a talk yesterday, one that we had agreed upon long ago, as she has now moved back from college and is living in the same town as me. She had stated multiple times over that a lot of this had to do with her being 2 hours away, her studies being very stressful, and what not, so she told me, "No matter what happens, I want to at least give this a chance come summer time." Well, it's summer time and we had our talk. Come to find out, only a month after our bu (we had dated for 3 years, known each other for 5 years) she started 'talking' this guy. They've been talking now for 3 weeks and she plans to travel 3 hours to visit him and some other college friends over Memorial break. Basically, sounds like my 'chance' of any reconciliation is gone, and I had pretty much figured that out already, however, she was still throwing very mixed signals up until only two weeks ago when we were on very little contact. Her reasons for this new guy were: new experience, she said I know her better than anyone and it was nice to meet someone who knew nothing about her, seeing what else is out there. Also, felt like giving me the chance would be basing everything off of the past, which she didn't want to do. So, she asked me what I would do if she chose the new guy over me and went to visit him...I told her, "That would be it. Bottom line, that would be my goodbye. I would completely remove anything of yours from my life and move on and try to find someone who will let me prove to them that I can make them happy. And I know so badly you wanted to be friends if things didn't work out, but that's not going to happen. Not now and probably not anytime in the distant future." I walked her to the door and everything felt like it was goodbye now, so I told her if this is the last time I see you I'm glad you came into my life, you shaped who I am right now and who I was when I was with you, but if you can live without me, than I can live without you. She broke down crying and asked for a hug. She said I don't want to string you along or keep you waiting, but I have so much to think about, give me a few days, you keep doing what you've been doing and we can talk again when I'm 100% set on what I want to do. I'm sorry for being so confused. The thing that just rubs me wrong about all of this is that she has only been talking to this guy for 3 weeks and now has already planned a trip to go visit him 3 hours away. If that doesn't say anything about how committed she already is to trying things with him, I don't really know what does, but it's crazy. She talked to him for 3 weeks, now they don't see each other for 3, then it's 2 months again until school starts... I know I can't sit around waiting, but that just seems like she was looking for someone to fill her moment of loneliness, as she said she got lonely a lot. Any thoughts / opinions? I feel stuck in limbo after trying to move on for so long and trying to NOT hold on too hope of it working out but at least thought she would be willing to give things a shot.
Exit Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 So a 2 hour distance put a stress on your relationship but now she can drive 3 hours for someone else? I dunno, the fact that she even "needs to think" is pretty crappy. If she decides not to go, then maybe you can decide if you want to keep pursuing her. I pretty much agree with what you told her in regards to if she does go. That's it. Don't wait for her to test things out with someone else before deciding whether she wants you or not. She'd probably love to have that opportunity too, so she'll be looking for any chance that you might offer it to her. Don't be enough of a doormat to back down and say yeah fine go meet your new friend and we'll talk when you get back. She sounds ready for something else but doesn't have the nerve to let you go completely.
Author chris24 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Well, it was more or less, because of being two hours apart, going to different schools, we saw each other probably only 2 times a month - she is a design major which requires a ton of studio time outside of class, so she was always busy with that. This 3 hour drive would be a one time thing, unless they really hit things off of course. And it's funny you mention the part about her having to think about it, because she actually said that herself, "The fact that I have to think about giving this a chance, makes me really wonder." I asked that she make her decision before she went to see him, because I've told her and myself I won't be someone's second option, not for her and not for anyone else. I don't know, it just seems strange how torn up she was and still is about the breakup and how badly she hurt me, and goes on to say, "I did miss you from time to time, I got lonely. But it's tough to know if I missed you or missed having someone to be there for me." It all felt like a rebound to me, at least with this guy, but I still think she's looking to find something else. This girl went from a relationship all throughout high school, in a town of 4,000 people to her first year at school with over 20,000 students and all these new people and experiences, really opened her eyes. I just feel like she's been gone for awhile now, but now I'm really seeing it. "She sounds ready for something else but doesn't have the nerve to let you go completely." -Couldn't agree more.
Tree_Salmon Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I don't trust anything with these kinds of "decisions" in it. Sorry dude but she sounds like she doesn't give a crap. And distance means nothing when you're into someone. She would probably take a 5 hour ride to see this other douche if she had to. She just wants to test out other things because shes not satisfied with what shes got. The fact that you are so accommodating to her crappiness doesn't help. Speak with conviction next time if she attempts to talk to you. Set a boundary like you did and follow through. If she sees that she can mess with you she will over and over again. Trust me. You don't want to be looking back 6 months from now and thinking about what you should have acted like.
Chi townD Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I do believe that she will go see this guy and I also believe that she's going to test her cake eating skills on you as well. She'll convince herself that you're just a little upset right now. But, you'll calm down and you guys can become "really great friends!! Because you two have so much history together, she can't possibly imagine you completely out of her life. So you HAVE to feel the same way too!" She will contact you again. Don't fall for it. You laid down the ground rules. You need to stick by them. 1
Author chris24 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Thanks for all the replies, sorry I'm so late at getting back. I was trying to keep my mind off of everything for awhile and had my cousins wedding to attend this weekend - it was a blast. My ex texted me tonight and said, could I come over to talk after work tomorrow? I said, "Sure. This is about you making your decision then I assume? To which she replied, "Yeah, whatever time works for you." I agree that I believe her choice will to be to go see this other guy and see how things work out with him. I don't really know how I'm going to handle things tomorrow, but I've been trying to prepare myself for it ever since we last talked - I just knew things would probably end up in her saying this is over for good now, but I think reality will really set in tomorrow and I'm a little uneasy about that. However, I will not become a doormat to her or the second option she wishes she could have. I will restate to her that this is it then, this is goodbye from me and wish her on her way. Tomorrow should be interesting...
Author chris24 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Well, I'm just sitting here and thought I would share what ultimately happened. This is where I started with all of this. Following my last post on this thread, this is what has happened... She came over, bag in hand, but that didn't surprise me, I had known her decision after we first talked. She came in, sat down and said, "I'm sure you know how this is going to go already.." I did.. Sadly, I did. She went on to say she just didn't feel the same way anymore and didn't want to come back from school knowing what she wanted, but she did. It wasn't all about this 'new guy', but just felt like she couldn't commit to a relationship with me anymore, on and on. At this point she asked if I had anything to say - I needed to get everything off my chest for the last time. I told her the way she went about things were completely disrespectful and immature on her behalf. I told her I felt like in a sense I was strung along with false hope that this Summer we would try and work out things, when in reality, I never even got that chance. Betrayed, hurt, and other things to that extent were said. I also told her that I hated how bitter I've become towards her, especially over the last few weeks, learning of this new guy and completely changing what was said, I think it was the only time I cried while talking to her - I just can't stand knowing that she made me this way, this bitter. She admitted the way she handled things was immature and said if she regretted one thing most is was that, but there's nothing to do about that now I suppose. Then, as to relieve herself of guilt or somehow justify this all, she said, "I truly believe you are one of the nicest, caring, loving people I have ever met and know you will make somebody very happy. Chris, I know I am the fool, I'm sure someday I will regret letting you go and that this will ultimately be my loss." I just kind of sat there and listened to all of the jack**** come out about how great of a person I am, because coming from her at that point didn't mean anything. We gave back what was needed to give back, I handed her all her stuff and she lost it for a moment, then stood up, and said, "Can I please have a hug?" I said sure, and again she started to bawl, picked up her stuff, and set them back down for another hug. I wished her the best with school and what not and she said you too, walked out the door, got in her car and started to bawl some more before driving off. I haven't talked to her since. I know she went to visit this new guy, but at this point, who cares. It's time for me to find someone who wants to be with me and stop chasing something that was gone long ago. Sad to say, but it's the truth, and while the truth hurts, it can surely heal too. I hope others don't get strung along to the point I did, because as much as I tried not too, I did, and it sucks. Take care, all. Edited May 30, 2012 by chris24
aiyam Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Chris, you'll be fine. It is always for the better. At least now, you can close that chapter of your life and move on. Enjoy what life has to offer you. Don't lose hope that soon you will find someone that will be deserving of your love.and that someone will make you feel loved as well, and be happy. Best of luck to you
Author chris24 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you aiyam, I hope I will be. In fact, I know I will be, but right now, this is all too strange that things were said, things were promised to happen and none of that ACTUALLY happened - it just blows my mind. However, after truly seeing how much, or in fact, how little respect she gave me, there is no reason to wait around for someone like that. Time to start writing the new chapter in this book we call life. 1
mephisto Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Well done Chris!!! If anything you should be proud of yourself. You handled things like a gentleman and with lots of dignity. Next time make sure you : 1- pay attention to what they do instead of what they say 2 - golden rule : if they wanna be with you they will do the impossible to be with you...like driving 3 hours. Now, hit the button NEXT! Thank you aiyam, I hope I will be. In fact, I know I will be, but right now, this is all too strange that things were said, things were promised to happen and none of that ACTUALLY happened - it just blows my mind. However, after truly seeing how much, or in fact, how little respect she gave me, there is no reason to wait around for someone like that. Time to start writing the new chapter in this book we call life.
Author chris24 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you mephisto, and truth be told, there is something to be proud of through all of this. I never once acted out against her, yelled at her, or called her something she was not, and I do take pride in knowing that, because I know it killed her.. She said it many times that my kindness was killing her even more. Not like my kindness was an act or anything, but it felt good to have some power in this situation. To others out there, if your ex is sending you mixed signals, just move on and find someone who has no doubts about whether they want to be with you or not. Someone who won't keep you waiting and then just leave on a whim - find someone who will care.
aiyam Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you aiyam, I hope I will be. In fact, I know I will be, but right now, this is all too strange that things were said, things were promised to happen and none of that ACTUALLY happened - it just blows my mind. However, after truly seeing how much, or in fact, how little respect she gave me, there is no reason to wait around for someone like that. Time to start writing the new chapter in this book we call life. I know. Believe in yourself. It will never be easy to let go of a person, especially the feelings. You will still undergo a lot of emotions as you move on. There are stages - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and the best of all, Acceptance. You might jump from one another, or go back but definitely you will end up Accepting Don't ask the why's, just pray and look forward
Author chris24 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks again for your kind words Aiyam, I wish the best of luck to you on your trials and tribulations as well.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you aiyam, I hope I will be. In fact, I know I will be, but right now, this is all too strange that things were said, things were promised to happen and none of that ACTUALLY happened - it just blows my mind. However, after truly seeing how much, or in fact, how little respect she gave me, there is no reason to wait around for someone like that. Time to start writing the new chapter in this book we call life. Just so you know Chris, this is how the breakups always go. People lie to clear their guilt and get you off their backs, and you are never to believe what they say. Especially with a woman like that who cries in your face, but then is happy to see the new guy she is dating. We've all been strung along at some point. Also, when someone believes they dont want to be with you anymore, you NEVER want them back because much of the time, if they were sick of you then, they will get sick of you again, and it will hurt twice as bad. It works sometimes, but not many.
Author chris24 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Just so you know Chris, this is how the breakups always go. People lie to clear their guilt and get you off their backs, and you are never to believe what they say. Especially with a woman like that who cries in your face, but then is happy to see the new guy she is dating. We've all been strung along at some point. Also, when someone believes they dont want to be with you anymore, you NEVER want them back because much of the time, if they were sick of you then, they will get sick of you again, and it will hurt twice as bad. It works sometimes, but not many. You're completely correct Eddie, however, when you are so caught up in 'winning them back', you want to believe anything they say as truth and the tears and hugs and the 'i miss you' really create a veil over their true intentions and feelings.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You're completely correct Eddie, however, when you are so caught up in 'winning them back', you want to believe anything they say as truth and the tears and hugs and the 'i miss you' really create a veil over their true intentions and feelings. The first time yes, but if it happens again, you think differently, and you know better, and you have a lil bit of the veil, but more sense based on the last heartbreak. So its not as painful the next time, and you usually get the upper hand in the next breakup.
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