First real relationship - first real breakup.

[chris24]

First post here - just looking for a litte insight.

 

Me and my now ex, dated for 3 1/2 years, starting my Junior year of high school, I guess you could call of us high school sweethearts. We had a great, loving, and understanding relationship; truth be told I thought out relationship was way ahead of a lot of others, we were taking trips with each others families and eventually took a vacation on our own this last summer. Life seemed perfect to quite an extent, we were both very happy with where our future was headed and looked forward to it.

 

Then, it was time for her to go to college, 2 hours away from where I was attending school. She is a design major, which if you don't know, basically means you sell your soul to the university for the first year. We had many talks in summer about this, if we wanted to give this a shot, and she insisted, "if we want this bad enough, I know we can do it." I agreed. Fast forward to the end of the first semester and it was obvious our relationship was not the same one when we lived near each other. She was very busy a lot and stressed out, constantly with school. We talked almost every day if we could, but understanding her situation, sometimes I knew we wouldn't be able to. Most months we'd be lucky to see each other two weekend days, but we still wanted things to work out.

 

Until recently.. You see I am going to school where she is currently, next year, and just to be clear, this decision was not because of her and we weren't going to be living with each other. But, I went down to sign my lease for next year and went out to eat with her - she didn't seem herself and knowing her for 5 years, I could tell something was up. When questioned, she said she had an innocent crush on someone and felt terrible about it, stating nothing had happened, she didn't talk to him outside of class, etc. Well a week later it was Valentines day, we were still together and she made me a very sweet card and gift. Only 5 days later, she came to see me, we went to a movie, out to eat and went back to my apartment. She broke down and said she needed a break, a 'time to figure out who she is'. She felt like she had really lost sight of that.

 

We talked about it and decided a week of no-contact would be the rules - only to get a call on Wednesday, with her decision it was in her best interest to finish out these two semesters and see if things can work out from there. I felt very cheated and lied to almost - it's like everything happened in an instant and only a week ago were we still saying I love you, etc. I took it very hard, I mean, it hit me out of nowhere to be honest. I messed things up for a bit, questioning things thereafter, until one day we had a two hour long talk and she admitted she had fallen out of love with me.

 

Now, currently this is the situation.. a week after that last talk, her friend told me that my ex had called her and said she couldn't sleep because it was eating her up how she broke things off so fast, but felt like she had to. We agreed to meet up and talk about things face to face for the first time. Everything felt normal as it used to and we did kiss... what a mistake that was. Turns out it was all about seeing if it would fix things and well it didn't. I went to visit a friend at her school this last weekend and asked if I could just stop by and say 'hey', she agreed and after just talking she brought everything up - there was a lot of crying and hugging. Ultimately, she realizes that she wants to give this a chance in summer, but until then, we both need to move on to an extent, give the space, and let things happen as they may come summer time.

 

I want things to work out, I mean, I love this girl, but is it so wrong of me to delete her from Twitter and FaceBook - I just feel like every time I see her talking to other guys, I get down about myself. Also, our current talking situation is still the same way it has been since the start. I let her contact me and we talk pretty briefly, about every 4 days or so, nothing more than that.

 

Any advice on how to handle all of this, I mean, she said, "I would like things to work out, that would be nice, but you can't force love, it's just something that happens." but at times, I just don't know how to handle things up until that point - should I just let go and see if those feelings come back in Summer?

[Am313]

If that's how it is, it sound like you have a pretty good girl there. I say this because she was honest with you AND she felt about the innocent crush and how she ended things with you. She (and you) are going through lots of necessary life changes right now, and unfortunately this kind of thing has a bad effect on relationships.

 

It absolutely sucks having to go through this, but believe me, it could be worse. This really comes down to what you want to do: if you wanted her back now, you could probably have her. When she calls, either ignore it completely and don't answer till she calls again, or answer it and let her know you're busy right off the bat. That will get her missing you more than ever and will drive her crazy for you. Is it a game? Yes. Is it childish? Absolutely. Is it a good idea? Pr

[Am313]

If that's how it is, it sound like you have a pretty good girl there. I say this because she was honest with you AND she felt about the innocent crush and how she ended things with you. She (and you) are going through lots of necessary life changes right now, and unfortunately this kind of thing has a bad effect on relationships.

 

It absolutely sucks having to go through this, but believe me, it could be worse. This really comes down to what you want to do: if you wanted her back now, you could probably have her. When she calls, either ignore it completely and don't answer till she calls again, or answer it and let her know you're busy right off the bat. That will get her missing you more than ever and will drive her crazy for you. Is it a game? Yes. Is it childish? Absolutely. Is it a good idea? Probably not. If you got her back soon, things would more than likely go back to her needing space and feeling closed in, and the relationship would ultimately end.

 

Your girl seems smart enough to know that right now, and smart enough to know that if your relationship will work, it can't right now, the only chance vein in the future.

 

But you need to do what you think is best. Good luck.

[chris24]

If that's how it is, it sound like you have a pretty good girl there. I say this because she was honest with you AND she felt about the innocent crush and how she ended things with you. She (and you) are going through lots of necessary life changes right now, and unfortunately this kind of thing has a bad effect on relationships.

 

It absolutely sucks having to go through this, but believe me, it could be worse. This really comes down to what you want to do: if you wanted her back now, you could probably have her. When she calls, either ignore it completely and don't answer till she calls again, or answer it and let her know you're busy right off the bat. That will get her missing you more than ever and will drive her crazy for you. Is it a game? Yes. Is it childish? Absolutely. Is it a good idea? Probably not. If you got her back soon, things would more than likely go back to her needing space and feeling closed in, and the relationship would ultimately end.

 

Your girl seems smart enough to know that right now, and smart enough to know that if your relationship will work, it can't right now, the only chance vein in the future.

 

But you need to do what you think is best. Good luck.

 

I agree, I'm glad she sees that things cannot work out right now, the most painful thing though, is that it really did just come out of the blue, I was 'blindsided' so to speak. I do see her side of this though, I mean she has a very stressful life at school right now and she kept saying prior to the crush and the break up that she felt that she was neglecting the relationship and wasn't being 'fair' to me.

 

I just, I read the G.I.G.S page and can't help but just be amazed at how this sounds so much like what is going on and while you could say school was a big issue, it never seemed like it was a reason to break up. When asked what did it for her, what made her decide she had to end it and she said there was not anything in particular, I got the "it was me, not you."

 

I hope in Summer, we can both come into this with open minds and open hearts and really just give it a chance, if it doesn't feel right, well then at least I know it isn't meant to be.

[offcloudnine]

I'm sorry you have to be in this situation chris24.

 

In fact I'm in a similar one with my ex, we were together for 3 years, and recently broke up a month ago. She also told me something similar about losing feelings and trying to find herself. Worst of all she's dating another guy already, but it's nothing like our relationship in terms of seriousness, I think it's a rebound.

 

We're long distance and actually won't be able to see each other for another 3 months from now...so it's very difficult for me to even try to rekindle what was lost

 

I hope that both our exes find themselves and hopefully realize they let something irreplaceable go.

[chris24]

I'm sorry you have to be in this situation chris24.

 

In fact I'm in a similar one with my ex, we were together for 3 years, and recently broke up a month ago. She also told me something similar about losing feelings and trying to find herself. Worst of all she's dating another guy already, but it's nothing like our relationship in terms of seriousness, I think it's a rebound.

 

We're long distance and actually won't be able to see each other for another 3 months from now...so it's very difficult for me to even try to rekindle what was lost

 

I hope that both our exes find themselves and hopefully realize they let something irreplaceable go.

 

While it's only been a month now and I realize that in my case, we are going to slowly try to rebuild things if we can, but I believe we won't, simply because she is going through that change phase of her life and might not feel like she can fall in love with me again. Right now, it's tough to say though, she is very conflicted. She broke up with me and felt terrible, told me it was never about replacing me or finding someone new, it was all about school and finding herself - however, sometimes I can't help but not believe that, even if all along all we wanted was for this to work out. It's terribly sad to think about.

[chris24]

Just a little update:

 

After our conversation last Saturday, I think many things were realized from both of us, both positive and negative. That monday was a tough day, but I started to really 'move on' this time. Slowly, but surely, I will hopefully get to a good point. I started a weight loss regiment before we broke up, but now I use this as fuel for motivation (I have lost 22 pounds so far). I made it through the week with my moments, but on Friday felt like I had really moved forward in my letting go.

 

This weekend was alumni weekend at my high school and every year there is a basketball tournament played, I figured I would bump into her there. Previous to Friday, our last conversation was her texting me saying, "Good job on your working out and stuff!". Well, sure enough I bumped into her and said hey. She was with her friend who said, "Wow, Chris you are looking fit." I said thank you, we had a little chat and that was that. Things definitely felt like we had both started to move on, no conversation had been that cut and dry.

 

Later that night she shows up with her friend and guy friend of theirs to a party I was at. We had a short conversation and all her friend could say were, "Well this is awkward." or "This conversation is interesting.." but my ex was saying nothing of the sort. I only talked to her for about 15 minutes and decided to leave. An hour later I get a text from her, "I'm sorry if that was awkward for you, I didn't think it was. I'm mainly apologizing for [insert friends name] and what she said. I hope you didn't feel weirded out by talking to me, I don't want that." I said things were fine and told her, "Enjoy the rest of your weekend, don't let your school work get you too down. Take care, [insert name]." She said, "You too, Chris. Take care."

 

Saturday night, I posted an april fools joke on Twitter about me getting arrested for underage drinking, possession, etc., just to mess with my friends. Not more than 5 minutes of posting it I get two texts from her, "Chris?!" and then "Chris if you are serious about that, take it off Twitter right now and talk to me about it." followed by a phone call two minutes later. After telling her it was just a prank she laughed about it and said how she was freaking out about it... I didn't intend for her to even see that, but it just goes to show how much she still cares about me and is looking out for my well being, I mean, she was legitimately concerned for me.

 

It's definitely different from day to day and while no contact / little contact sucks at times, I feel like I can finally move on to where I feel comfortable. And after Summer, when we give this another shot away from the stress / busy life of a freshman architecture student, I think I can finally say I'm okay if things don't work out, but I wouldn't mind giving them a shot just to be sure.

 

I hope everyone else is doing a little better!

[DisGai]

The way my ex had broken things off with me seems similar to how your ex did, Chris. On top of that, she's at art school too hahaha.

 

I'm quite jealous, though, of how open you two are about talking to each other. Seems like you've been dealing with things pretty well

 

It's been two months since she had left me for another guy. He had been chasing after her for a couple months while she was losing romantic attraction for me.

 

But I know she still cares about me.. She's tried contacting me through phone-calls and texts for the past two weeks and that really threw me off.. Moving on got significantly harder. I don't know how I should take this... I've ignored everything, and she even texted me asking how long I would ignore her for. We haven't spoken since the breakup.

 

When she calls, either ignore it completely and don't answer till she calls again, or answer it and let her know you're busy right off the bat. That will get her missing you more than ever and will drive her crazy for you. Is it a game? Yes. Is it childish? Absolutely.

 

The next time she tries contacting me, I'm thinking of texting her something like, "Is there something you need?" or "Is this something important? I'm not ready to talk to you." What do y'all think?

[chris24]

Trust me, when there isn't something specific to point to and say, "That's why we broke up." It makes things much harder, but at the same time down the road, all of their trying to justify and make sense of why they broke up might eventually hit them as 'nothing'. I can say that, for the first 2-3 weeks I was depressed (a lot), didn't want to do much and just felt like complete crap. Then after a few talks with her, talks she cried at and I cried at, many hugs were exchanged, I felt much better in the fact that, I still feel like something inside of her says, let school pass for now and give this another shot, you owe it to yourself and him. I have most definitely started to move forward with my life however, and its starting to finally feel like it.

 

Jealous? Haha, well I can honestly say, things could be way worse for me, she could have moved on to another guy already and tried to put it in my face, but to my knowledge and to her friends knowledge she has insisted she hasn't even thought about it and has no intentions right now. I definitely feel for the people who go through a breakup and this happens to them, my heart definitely goes out to you and others who go through it.

 

In my experience with this, at first I was responding right away or trying to contact her before I realized that needed to stop. Three weeks ago in an email I told her if she wanted to talk, she would be the one to contact me, it was all about giving her the space she needed. While she does text me from time to time, the way I portray myself has changed. I am not the one who makes the attempt to keep the conversation going, I do not contact her, I don't act all "take me back please!". It's just a way of showing you've moved on, in fact, I would agree with many, NC is the best policy. She is reaching out, trying to make sure you're their and it's obviously eating up at her. If she REALLY wants to sit down and talk about things, possibly iron them out, you will know, she will make every effort.

 

Stay strong my friend, I know these times are tough, but in time, everything will get better.

[Nohbody]

Focus on yourself. Do what makes you feel good. Start becoming the person you want to be, without regard for what anyone else wants.

 

This could be the beginning of a great adventure.

[chris24]

Thank you, Nohbody. I've been told that many times over and I'm attempting at really 'finding' myself again. What made me before the relationship.

 

I appreciate the insight.

[budley12]

Here is an analogy to finding ourselves again:

 

Before our ex's came into our lives, our temple had many different and unique pillars standing the structure up. However, as we fell in love with our ex we slowly built up that one single pillar revolved around our ex, but left the others stranded. I personally built my ex's pillar up so high that as soon as my ex left me and that pillar shattered, it destroyed my whole temple. Now here I am trying to rebuild other and new pillars to rebuild my structure. One day my temple will be rebuilt, but it is going to be a process and will take time.

[chris24]

Here is an analogy to finding ourselves again:

 

Before our ex's came into our lives, our temple had many different and unique pillars standing the structure up. However, as we fell in love with our ex we slowly built up that one single pillar revolved around our ex, but left the others stranded. I personally built my ex's pillar up so high that as soon as my ex left me and that pillar shattered, it destroyed my whole temple. Now here I am trying to rebuild other and new pillars to rebuild my structure. One day my temple will be rebuilt, but it is going to be a process and will take time.

 

I like the analogy, very much. I think we can all relate to this feeling after our first love being over with - we can learn much from all of this though. That's very important to take something away from this, not just the heartache, but the lessons learned.

[DisGai]

Agreed, that's a great analogy

 

But as much as I want to stay strong with NC, I feel like I need to have some things clarified.. her trying to contact me has been giving me (probably false) hope. It's really been shaking and preventing me from moving on with my life journey. I know that building up this hope is only going to hurt me even more in the end.

 

The next time she tries contacting me, I want to text her, "Is this something important? I'm not ready to talk to you." It's been two months since she's broken up with me, and I did not expect her to leave me with these breadcrumbs so soon.

[chris24]

Agreed, that's a great analogy

 

But as much as I want to stay strong with NC, I feel like I need to have some things clarified.. her trying to contact me has been giving me (probably false) hope. It's really been shaking and preventing me from moving on with my life journey. I know that building up this hope is only going to hurt me even more in the end.

 

The next time she tries contacting me, I want to text her, "Is this something important? I'm not ready to talk to you." It's been two months since she's broken up with me, and I did not expect her to leave me with these breadcrumbs so soon.

 

That's how I felt too, I can completely relate. Everything about my breakup was strange and felt weird - she wanted a break out of nowhere, then it was a breakup only 3 days later. I was veryyy confused, but she didn't want to talk about things, she didn't want to rehash bad feelings. So, for me, it was like a lose-lose situation. If I didn't say anything I hurt, if I did I hurt her - she expected me to accept this, no questions asked and that was tough. Not only a month after the breakup did she realize she went about all of it wrong and feel terrible about it.

 

In all honesty, LS members can you advice all they want, but you handle your situation the way YOU want to handle your situation - do what's best for you and what you really want to do. It's definitely a fine line to walk though.

[chris24]

Didn't expect to be posting an update so soon, but last night around 12:15 (at night), I was talking to a friend on facebook and on twitter. She must've seen that I was still up, because 5 minutes after I tweeted, I got a text from her.

 

"Here is what I'm working on currently, if you're interested (it was her current project for design)"

 

It was strange though, a lot of it was - not the conversation itself, just the way she was talking.

 

She was the one keeping the conversation alive, she called me Christopher (something she hadn't done since the bu and she ALWAYS used to call me that when we were dating), I wouldn't immediately reply but she was, and she was also using ! and - I don't know what happened, I mean, I wasn't being over the top friendly trying to act like her boyfriend, mainly just chatting with her.. it felt like something had changed or this could just be a one time thing, but at least I know she was thinking about me.

 

I just don't really know what to think about the huge change in the way she talked to me, she didn't seem uninterested, wasn't cut and dry with her texts, etc. Like I said, it all felt strange.

[chris24]

Anybody want to try and explain to me what they think this is? Is it something, is it nothing?

Edited April 3, 2012 by chris24

[chris24]

If anybody has an opinion on this, please do share. I can't really get my mind around it and don't want to build up my hope if this just seems like nothing to an outsider.

[budley12]

i would just distance yourself, and if she is trying to get you back it will only make her try harder. I got my hopes up for my ex a few times, especially when he said he wanted me back... I felt like I was dumped all over again.

[chris24]

i would just distance yourself, and if she is trying to get you back it will only make her try harder. I got my hopes up for my ex a few times, especially when he said he wanted me back... I felt like I was dumped all over again.

 

I just have never been a person to ignore someone or 'blow them off' - I think with this girl, if I did that, it would much easier for her to let go and just go do her own thing, but maybe that's what I need to do. I guess, it just seems strange to me to be mean to someone or ignore them, even after all the pain I've endured.

 

I have really advanced as far as my moving on and trying to be okay with things, I know I have. I felt real happiness and peace for the first time in awhile yesterday, it was very nice. I have distanced myself from her I believe as much as I can, without completely just ignoring her - I don't text her first, I removed her from FaceBook and Twitter (she still follows me), and to that extent, I don't know what else to do and feel like either she is trying to just talk to me all friendly or doesn't want me to completely move on before Summer because now she is realizing she does want to really give this a chance... who knows, I'm so confused.

[budley12]

i am not that type of person neither, however I just dont want you to get your hopes up and than be torn to pieces yet again just as I have. you need to look out for YOU. if your ex wants to get back with you she will not want to let you go, meaning she will chase you. As long as you make your intensions clear that you do want her back, but do no more.

[chris24]

i am not that type of person neither, however I just dont want you to get your hopes up and than be torn to pieces yet again just as I have. you need to look out for YOU. if your ex wants to get back with you she will not want to let you go, meaning she will chase you. As long as you make your intensions clear that you do want her back, but do no more.

 

I completely agree, and sorry if it felt like I was accusing you of being a 'mean' person There is such a fine line to walk through all of this, it's crazy. She messaged me again on FaceBook last night, that is Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday she has all tried to contact me. Strange.

 

Distancing myself has been doing my good and I continue to try and keep a healthy distance.

[DisGai]

i am not that type of person neither, however I just dont want you to get your hopes up and than be torn to pieces yet again just as I have. you need to look out for YOU. if your ex wants to get back with you she will not want to let you go, meaning she will chase you. As long as you make your intensions clear that you do want her back, but do no more.

 

Is it really best to make your intentions clear that you do want them back?

 

I'm in a similar situation, but I've been ignoring her each time. And I do feel like I should say something before she thinks I hate her.

[budley12]

Is it really best to make your intentions clear that you do want them back?

 

I'm in a similar situation, but I've been ignoring her each time. And I do feel like I should say something before she thinks I hate her.

 

In my opinion letting your ex know your feelings is important if you do want to get back. With that being said I would recommend having one last "final stand" statement with your intentions and leave it at that. But if you continue to come back to your ex to have multiple "last statements" (which I unfortunately went through) it will give your ex a sense of desperation and that you will "always be there".

 

On the flip-side, if you want to get back with your ex but you completely ignore and avoid her, sure it may make her wonder and may make her want you more if she still has some feelings, however that will only last so long. It will come to a point that your ex may think that you want nothing to do with her and she may move on.

 

Unfortunately in my situation I still love my ex, but he has moved on and is dating someone else. I think he left me to be with this new person even though he blames me for him losing the love (which hurt me even more). So in order for me to heal I need to realize all hope is lost at the moment and I have to avoid/NC with my ex so that I can hopefully move on with my life. I have given my "final stand" and nothing came of it -bummer. So much for fairytale first loves.

Edited April 3, 2012 by budley12