My friend's wife doesn't allow him to talk on the phone???????

[irc333]

Yeah, where I live....once people get to dating, they pretty much are focused on each other 100% and all activities they do are pretty much close to home geographically or among other couples (not singles).

 

Though, occasinoally, I've seen married or people co-habitating actually go to some kind of function where..I dunno, I'm kind of shocked they don't bring the hubby with them....the one spouse just stays at home.

 

There's this one woman, married to this guy for years....apparently HAPPILY married, is attending some kind of "booze cruise" with a lot of people, majority of which are single, and COUPLES.

 

She posted on the FB invite that she needed a ride to that event, because it's a good trek, and my male friend that knows her and her family really well will be taking her along with us, in a carpool.

 

I found it odd that the husband wasn't going. Because this was more of an event for singles, just happens to be those events where people typically bring their sig other.

 

But, apparently the husband works the weekends or sometimes doesn't feel like attending events, because it's an outdoor event, and he works outdoors in the heat all day.

 

However, if that's the case, the spouse usually is in the habit in staying at home with that spouse who prefers to stay home. But a lot of people know this woman personally, so the guys know not to "flirt" with her if you get what I mean. lol

 

There was this one cute girl, outdoorsy and nerdy, goes to our hiking events by herself, without her live-in boyfriend, he's more of a nerdy type that likes staying in and playing video games and doing what nerds do, while she just goes out with us.

 

Few guys hit on her, including me....then we somehow find out in conversation a boyfriend actually DOES exist in real life.

 

I had a friend that had a guy that used to go dining with us ever weekend or social events and never knew he was married until like a YEAR of knowing him, the wife never joins him.

 

I just find that kind of relationship quite alien to me...and I sometimes question the nature of that relationship. But apparently, they ARE happy, and no one is getting the "itch" if you get what I mean, but I have my doubts. But I could be wrong, and I cannot judge completely.

 

I'm just so used to couples doing things TOGETHER that I thought that was the normal part of a relationship.

 

I actually had to seek OUT SINGLE friends, because once my friends found that special someone in their life, they stopped staying in touch completely.

 

Occasionally, get a Christmas card or something , but that's about it.

 

 

Hmm. No. We don't lack comprehension, but some of us do have insight as to what it's like to be in a long-term relationship/marriage with children.

 

Single friends simply don't matter as much anymore by that point. Sorry. It's just the way it is. And when I was a young single girl, I simply couldn't understand either. Priorities change and it's nothing personal. It doesn't mean he's whipped, it means he doesn't care what your single perception of how he should behave and interact with his wife is.

 

This is why many people get different friends with thy get married and especially when they have kids. You perceive it as being "whipped', the friend may perceive it as the way life is for him.

[kaylan]

Probably because he wanted to spend his time with his gf. That's what happens when you get hot and heavy.

 

Wonder what happens when the wife is on the phone, and if he interrupts her the same way....

I understand the guy wanting to get it on with his gal...but to go missing for months and even almost years at a time? And then to pop up when hes single or having girl problems? Some bro...

[kaylan]

Well, it's best for you to never get married then if you put your bros ahead of your wife, you obviously aren't ready for a wife and kids.

 

You are clearly younger, probably in your 20's. Like in your teens, a single person in their 20's will put friends first. As time goes on, your priorities change, and your spouse, kids, and family should always come first.

 

I don't think the OP is "wrong" for how he feels, but it is obvious to me that he (and you) can't possibly see this from the other side of the coin.

Of course my point flew over your head. Wife and kids are important, but old friends are important and just like family as well. I will not sacrifice any of my family in favor of the other.

 

Understand now?

[zengirl]

Seems several people in this thread failed to read with comprehension, OP. You clearly said that many times you speak to your friend on the phone, that his wife interrupts. You then gave an example with the dinner time story, but obviously this isnt the only time it happens...at least its obvious to people who read your post correctly without trying to jump down your throat right away.

 

I read it as PD consistently calling at dinnertime. After all, the guy still talks to PD but prefers to do it on his way home. That it's his SO's preference is entirely speculative, and in the example given there was a very clear reason why the call would be interrupted. Who's to say the other examples weren't similar?

 

It could be any number of things:

 

For instance, when Hubby doesn't want to do something with his more distant friends who bug him sometimes, I frequently tell him he's welcome to blame me and say we had plans or I need him for something or whatever. He's not the only SO who's ever taken me up on that.

 

That's just one extreme example. Honestly, I often tell Hubby to go hang with his friends, but he rarely wants to go without me. He would be the guy who'd bring me along to an amusement park, and I'd bring him too, though I wouldn't stay home if he didn't want to go (he often will stay home if I'm not up for joining him). I think it's kind of silly that some men will call such a man 'whipped' when the guy is clearly doing what HE wants to do. It seems to me that sometimes a man's friends want him to be who they think he is (Hubby's friends don't seem to do this, thankfully, nor do most guys I actually know, but I've heard the sentiment --- most guys I know understand SO come before sistahs or bros when you're an adult), so the question -- which we'll never know -- would be: How does the friend feel about his R? He may have brought her to the amusement park because he'd honestly rather she be there, etc, etc.

 

Really, PD complaining about it means nothing. It honestly doesn't mean that the guy feels controlled or isn't doing exactly what he wants to do.

 

At any rate, Hubby interrupts me on the phone all the time. It's because there's **** going on at my house when people call, and that doesn't go to a dead-stop. I don't think it's because he's trying to "control" me. I think it's because that's what happens when you live with someone.

[serial muse]

Yeah, I guess the trouble here is that at this point PD doesn't seem like a good "reporter" - he's not able to be objective, and he has consistently shown that he's only too ready to assume the worst of people on the slimmest of excuses. So I find myself reading his OP and thinking, I'll bet this happened exactly twice, and once at dinnertime. And PD is going off on this person in the way he tends to do, and turning it into a referendum on marriage and controlling wives; more than likely it isn't anything of the kind. Like I said, at this point I just find it hard to take what PD says at face value, and I can see that I'm not alone in this.

 

I know we're supposed to reply to each post as a separate issue, but peoples' back stories are important when it comes to context, and they do affect how we respond to them.

[serial muse]

Double post, sorry.

 

Anyway, meant to edit to add: OP, want to give us some more context?

[Woggle]

I was like that in my first marriage and I will never let a woman put my balls in a vice grip like that again. A man should never give up his friends for a woman when they are the ones who will be there through thick and thin.

[maybealone]

He may have brought her to the amusement park because he'd honestly rather she be there, etc, etc.

 

I think it depends on the event. If that day was clearly a guys only thing, and he preferred being with his wife, then he should have gone with his wife separately from the guys. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not joining your friends for a guys/girls day/night out if you prefer hanging out with your spouse or prefer group things to be all couples. But there is also nothing wrong with friends wanting one-on-one time with you at events planned specifically for just the guys or just the girls.

[bean1]

Of course my point flew over your head. Wife and kids are important, but old friends are important and just like family as well. I will not sacrifice any of my family in favor of the other.

 

Understand now?

 

Just because I don't agree with you does not mean I don't understand what you are trying to say. I am not an idiot. I simply disagree that friends are just as important as my husband and my children. If you had a wife and kids and STILL thought your friends were just as important because they were family just like your wife and kids than I'd feel sorry for your family and thank my lucky stars my husband is not like you. Again, my opinion.

[zengirl]

I think it depends on the event. If that day was clearly a guys only thing, and he preferred being with his wife, then he should have gone with his wife separately from the guys. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not joining your friends for a guys/girls day/night out if you prefer hanging out with your spouse or prefer group things to be all couples. But there is also nothing wrong with friends wanting one-on-one time with you at events planned specifically for just the guys or just the girls.

 

I mean, if it was a Bachelor's Party or something OR it was conveyed to the guy that he should not bring his wife and that it should be men-only, then sure. However, I almost always invite hubby along with me and he does as well, even when hanging with singles, because that's our norm. Friends don't seem to mind and would do the same. I've been single and hung out with a couple or had a couple come to events with me and some singles. It's not really a big deal to mix singles and couples in my view the way some here seem to think so. I wouldn't automatically not invite Hubby just because everyone else there was single, and my friends wouldn't do that in the "couple" shoes either.

 

I really don't see what's wrong with bringing an SO along. It's what's commonly done in my group of friends because all of my friends' SOs are by default (whether I truly prefer them or not) friends and in the circle --- part of being a good friend is supporting your friends' relationships. I have never been upset, when single, when someone did so.

 

ETA: And, no friends are not equally important to Hubby in my eyes. They're important, but my marriage comes first. Of course. This would be true of any LTR/live-in/intense R in my view. Luckily my friends would never put me in the position where I'd have to choose.

Edited May 11, 2012 by zengirl

[xxoo]

It doesn't have to be friends vs. spouse. Why can't your spouse and your friends be friends?

 

All of our good friends (the thick and thin ones) have become mutual friends. He doesn't need to sacrifice time with either of us, because we all hang out together. We like mixed company--women and men.

[maybealone]

I really don't see what's wrong with bringing an SO along. It's what's commonly done in my group of friends because all of my friends' SOs are by default (whether I truly prefer them or not) friends and in the circle --- part of being a good friend is supporting your friends' relationships. I have never been upset, when single, when someone did so.

 

Again, it depends on the event. If I invite my friends out specifically for a girls' night out (say, for example, I need to talk about things with them that I am not comfortable talking about in front of their husbands), then I am going to be disappointed if one of them brings her husband, especially when she just shows up with him without letting anyone know ahead of time.

 

There is nothing wrong with couples and singles hanging out together. For 99% of the things I do with my friends, when I invite them I am inviting their spouse too. I don't even have to say "Bring your husband" because they know they are both always included. But that other 1% is just when friends need one-on-one time together. If a married person never feels the need to have one-on-one time with their friends, then it's no big deal to just decline invitations to those events so that the people who do want a guys/girls only day can have it.

[zengirl]

Again, it depends on the event. If I invite my friends out specifically for a girls' night out (say, for example, I need to talk about things with them that I am not comfortable talking about in front of their husbands), then I am going to be disappointed if one of them brings her husband, especially when she just shows up with him without letting anyone know ahead of time.

 

There is nothing wrong with couples and singles hanging out together. For 99% of the things I do with my friends, when I invite them I am inviting their spouse too. I don't even have to say "Bring your husband" because they know they are both always included. But that other 1% is just when friends need one-on-one time together. If a married person never feels the need to have one-on-one time with their friends, then it's no big deal to just decline invitations to those events so that the people who do want a guys/girls only day can have it.

 

Perhaps we are different. I don't know if I generally NEED 1-on-1 time with my friends. My best friend in the whole world has been in a R for a long, long time, and I cannot remember a time in the past 5 years that I've seen her alone. NBD. I can talk about anything -- including 'girl stuff' --- in front of her husband. He's advised me on many a relationship, in fact.

 

I can say that if a friend said "girl's night" when inviting me to something, I'd know not to invite Hubby. That's happened extremely rarely, but it has happened. Fine. But I think ASSUMING that was the case with the amusement park or most scenarios seems odd. Most of the time, a plan for such a thing would (in my circle, at least) include the ability to invite others, especially a SO.

[xxoo]

How is a trip to the amusement park ruined by the presence of a woman?

 

Is "amusement park" a euphemism for something?

 

Or do some men really dislike the company of women that much?

[maybealone]

Perhaps we are different. I don't know if I generally NEED 1-on-1 time with my friends.

 

Yes, I do think that is a difference between many people. Some people need that time with friends, some people do not. Personally I don't, except on those occasions that we want to talk about things alone, or if most husbands can't make it we decide not to have any, that kind of thing.

 

How is a trip to the amusement park ruined by the presence of a woman?

 

I don't think there is a blanket scenario that covers all spouses. Sometimes a spouse will tag along and go along with whatever the friends had previously planned, sometimes a spouse will tag along and want everything to now revolve around them. What if a spouse hates amusement park rides but still wants to go, are the friends going to be comfortable leaving her by herself while they go on rides? If they want to sit and have some pizza and beer and she doesn't, is she going to find a way to enjoy herself anyway or is she just going to be miserable and roll her eyes when they start talking about sports or whatever?

 

The people posting on this thread are probably pretty laid back and willing to go with the flow, so you probably do get along with everyone in most every situation. But there are spouses out there that aren't like that, and those are the kind of people I am thinking about (even though I have no idea if that's the kind of spouse the OP is talking about).

[NeverDated]

How is a trip to the amusement park ruined by the presence of a woman?

 

Is "amusement park" a euphemism for something?

 

Or do some men really dislike the company of women that much?

I think this has to do with the "forever alone" mentality of that a wife/girlfriend/partner is just another person. Many people have difficulty grasping that when you go from single to "family" you transition to a unit.

 

Wife and kids are important, but old friends are important and just like family as well. I will not sacrifice any of my family in favor of the other.

It's not that friends become less important, it's that friendships, by and large, transition from "me and you" to "us and you." It's really exceptionally rude to plan an outing and not invite a serious significant other, unless it's specifically slated as a "guys'/girls' night".

 

When my boyfriend comes home from work, and I slap dinner on the table, he has 5 minutes to drop what he's doing and come eat. Otherwise, we're going to have problems, because, well, it's rude.

 

If we're having a nice time together and someone calls, I typically give him 10 to 15 minutes to have a conversation. After that, I start to get pissy. Not because I don't want him to have friends, but because that friend just interrupted something we were doing together (watching a movie, playing a game, having our OWN conversation).

 

I find it funny to read the OP, looking back as a once-wife and now-serious-girlfriend. I was always encouraging my ex-husband and am consistently encouraging my boyfriend to schedule "guys' time". Boyfriend tries to do so, and no one is ever available to schedule in advance. So we make plans to do something together that night instead. Sometimes his friends will then call on that night, say their schedule suddenly cleared up, and get PO'd that he's no longer available.

 

Maybe that's the big disconnect. When you're single, you're only planning for yourself. When you're a couple, you're planning around two schedules. Often times single friends will try to schedule something on a day the couple has already set aside to be together (because realistically, a full day together is a rarity for most couples), so they compromise, scrap plans they had (possibly for weeks) and agree to go together.

[zengirl]

I don't think there is a blanket scenario that covers all spouses. Sometimes a spouse will tag along and go along with whatever the friends had previously planned, sometimes a spouse will tag along and want everything to now revolve around them. What if a spouse hates amusement park rides but still wants to go, are the friends going to be comfortable leaving her by herself while they go on rides? If they want to sit and have some pizza and beer and she doesn't, is she going to find a way to enjoy herself anyway or is she just going to be miserable and roll her eyes when they start talking about sports or whatever?

 

The people posting on this thread are probably pretty laid back and willing to go with the flow, so you probably do get along with everyone in most every situation. But there are spouses out there that aren't like that, and those are the kind of people I am thinking about (even though I have no idea if that's the kind of spouse the OP is talking about).

 

Well, yes, if the spouse goes and acts insufferable, that's a problem. That's why people are asking how the wife ruined it. If she went and then was insufferable company, I could see.

 

(Additionally, the OP has a tendency to NOT be at ALL laid back and find normal, human things bizarre and unacceptable, as serial muse alluded to. The one concrete example he DID give -- the phone call/dinner -- was completely understandable but he thought it was a problem.)

[zengirl]

I find it funny to read the OP, looking back as a once-wife and now-serious-girlfriend. I was always encouraging my ex-husband and am consistently encouraging my boyfriend to schedule "guys' time". Boyfriend tries to do so, and no one is ever available to schedule in advance. So we make plans to do something together that night instead. Sometimes his friends will then call on that night, say their schedule suddenly cleared up, and get PO'd that he's no longer available.

 

Maybe that's the big disconnect. When you're single, you're only planning for yourself. When you're a couple, you're planning around two schedules. Often times single friends will try to schedule something on a day the couple has already set aside to be together (because realistically, a full day together is a rarity for most couples), so they compromise, scrap plans they had (possibly for weeks) and agree to go together.

 

Oh, good point! Scheduling is a big thing as well. Someone calling out of the blue is never going to get my full attention probably because I will be doing something with Hubby. Friends I plan in advance to Skype with or something generally DO get my full attention because I've told Hubby, "Hey, I have a Skype time with so-and-so at 7" and so we aren't doing anything then.

[whichwayisup]

I can't believe a grown a$$ man can't talk on the phone because DINNER is ready.

 

Honestly, I don't see a big deal about this? His wife made dinner, they probably eat as family unit at the diningroom table, so she asked him to hang up the phone as they were about to eat dinner. Sorry, but that seems pretty normal to me.

[Nistan]

Is it always at dinnertime?

 

If he can't call his friends when at home, thats seems kinda creepy.

 

I need more info tough.

[GravityMan]

I think this is one of the reasons why many people, once they marry (or even merely in serious GF/BF relationships), tend to limit their active friendships to other coupled-up folks. They are more likely to "get" each other as far as common courtesies and priorities are concerned.

 

That said, there are probably better ways for the friend's wife to handle this situation than disallowing him to talk on the phone. The OP's friend should also grow a pair and politely advise the OP that it's probably not a wise idea to contact him during X times of the day/night, such as during dinner. Finally, the OP should expand his social circle to include more unmarried dudes.

[maybealone]

Honestly, I don't see a big deal about this? His wife made dinner, they probably eat as family unit at the diningroom table, so she asked him to hang up the phone as they were about to eat dinner. Sorry, but that seems pretty normal to me.

 

If my husband cooked dinner, I appreciate him letting me know that it's ready. But to ask me to hang up the phone? Uh, no. I am not five, and I am perfectly capable of deciding whether or not the phone call is important enough to delay dinner a few minutes. Just as he is perfectly capable of turning the heat down to "simmer" if he wants to wait for me. (With kids, that's different. But it didn't sound like the OP's friend had any. It also sounded like this happens all the time, not just at dinner.)

 

I think this is one of the reasons why many people, once they marry (or even merely in serious GF/BF relationships), tend to limit their active friendships to other coupled-up folks. They are more likely to "get" each other as far as common courtesies and priorities are concerned.

 

I think courtesies and priorities are learned, and not necessarily by being in a relationship. There are plenty of single people who know not to call married people on the weekends, just as there are parents who know not to call their child-free friends at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

[Art_Critic]

WHO continues to talk on the phone when their SO has a meal prepared and waiting for them? RUDE PEOPLE.

 

I was thinking the along the same lines..

In our household when dinner is ready you put whatever it is down and go eat.. and you do it in a pretty speedy manner otherwise dinner will be cold and I'd be eating alone.

 

Maybe the OP should remember when he calls at dinner time that the conversation will be short.

[PhillyDude]

Yes, maintaining friends is important.

 

One thing I find odd, is that they went to an amusement park and she came too. She 'RUINED' the trip by coming? Really? I would never invite my friends to such a fun activity without our husbands if they were available to come. Why wouldn't you? Baby shower, clothes shopping, sure, we'd leave them at home, what man would want to go to that? Likewise, when mine has his "Call of Duty" parties, I bring nachos and beer down to the basement and get out as soon as I can.

 

But it sounds like OP isn't able to understand that married couples like to share mutual activities together. Honestly, if my husband went to something like an amusement park and told me not to come, I'd wonder what the hell he was really up to.

 

 

All he had to say was he was going to the amusement park with the giuys. I then told him that he will be acting different and said he wouldn't be. Then he told his wife what I said and repeated in front of her and said..."See I told you I would be the same"

 

Guess what?.........."he wasn't the same"

[PhillyDude]

Is it always at dinnertime?

 

If he can't call his friends when at home, thats seems kinda creepy.

 

I need more info tough.

 

 

 

She interrupts him when he calls me first too. There has never been a conversation where she doesn't interrupt to ask him or tell him something.