lost_in_chgo Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 3 weeks??? Almost a year now for me, 3 months since last conversation. Be careful about setting a timeline. Just decide how long you are willing to wait. Also, out of contact should include everything that reminds you of the ex. Pictures, buddy lists, mementos, etc. Pack em up and put the away somewhere where they won't call to you. Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo Also, out of contact should include everything that reminds you of the ex. Pictures, buddy lists, mementos, etc. Pack em up and put the away somewhere where they won't call to you. Yeah... i've done that also, lost. the most upsetting thing about no-contact i find, is the need to eradicate wonderful memories of the time together. but time is healing me, i think about her less and less, but will always do so. i wonder whether you have to chuck all this stuff in the garbage as well in order to truly heal. i keep thinking if i find someone new - they certainly won't be happy about the stuff i've kept. Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 Well another night that I did not call her, I am beginning to see the things she did to hurt me and some of them were on purpose. When she said that I wsa the most kind, gentlr, loving, caring man that she has ever met and she said that she would never find a better man than I, well she is right about that. She wont find a better man. And I intend to live my life that way, not abusive to my mate like she was towards me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamguy Posted August 26, 2004 Author Share Posted August 26, 2004 fishman3226, Great post. I wish everyone would think about the questions you asked. Stringfellow, You're still going through extremely hard times but hang in there and you'll make it. Take my word on that. Don't call her ! Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Originally posted by shellen so we dumpees heal and grow stronger with each pain ours exes inflict upon us, whereas for our exes, it's just status quo... so in summary, the dumpees really emerge as the stronger one heehee.... i remember reading this post a couple of days ago, and was going to reply, but forgot. this was an excellent post and really struck a chord with me. obviously, we can't read our ex's mind. but you're probably right in what you say in that they are stuck in the same place, whereas we dumpees have moved on. when it happended to me, i was told that it was probably over and she needed time to think, and on and off i did do a little pleading. but it wasn't heavy, and i think i was perhaps a little entitled to that. i wanted her to know how i felt, as honesty is always best. this went on for a month or so, until i was told the inevitable (maybe it pushed her to the decision). but i needed it to make a break for myself from this emotional loop-hole. since then i have 100% stuck by no-contact. she has contacted me a few times by IM, but just "hope you're well etc" the no-contact has worked wonders for me. i'm still sad and wish that it had worked out. the reason that post i quoted above means a lot to me also, is because i think that because my ex knows how i feel - she will be stuck in this "should i, shouldn't i?" dilemma almost permanent maybe (?), whereas I'm almost at the stage now where i have got over her completely, and have reached acceptance that it is over, for good. the fact that i haven't been in touch with her at all may make her wonder even more. one thing you said Shellen, without one shadow of a doubt, is 100% correct, is that we dumpees will emerge much stronger out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamguy Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 Here's an update to keep those people going through no contact strong. I haven't contacted my ex at all for the last 15 days (she was the one who called me back then after I also ignored her for 3 weeks). You can do it. I can tell you I feel much better and I'm ok with the idea that she might never come back into my life. In fact I started seeing someone else about a week ago and things are smooth so far. Link to post Share on other sites
SMF Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 I agree- No contact makes the dumpees stronger.. MY MANTRA is if there is someone that doesn't want to be with you then why do you want to be with them. Sometimes my heart saids- Boy, I really miss them or I long for them, or I miss their company and the good times but then my head intervenes and saids "hold up heart- this person that you are longing for shared the same good times and loved everything about you but then they let you go" so what does that mean- they don't miss you!!! My head and heart talk to each other... I also am a firm believer that unless they contact you- its too painful (Until you have moved on) to talk about the break up, ask questions why why why- If months down the road when you have emotionally moved on alone or onto someone else- and you want to have a conversation- it won't hurt bc you are over it. Does anyone agree? Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 yes - wholeheartedly agree SMF - in a way, i'm glad she hasn't contacted me while i was suffering heartache. it would have made things much worse for me to cope with things. again - spot on with the heart and head talking to each other - i do that as well. its so comforting to see that other people are doing exactly the same thing as me. it makes me realise i am going about things the right way when you see other people doing it. sometimes you do think that you should contact them because you're not giving yourself the best shot at getting them back. but we all agree don't we that its best not to? the best way is to just get over them, and try to accept that theyre gone and are not coming back, then your heart heals much faster. and the faster the better i say. (i know this is all repetition on the no-contact theme, and i'm scared i bore people reading this stuff time after time. but it is really great to post on here and it helps so much.) we are just looking after ourselves by following this path. and its great to hear people saying they aren't bothered if they come back now:- Originally posted by dreamguy I'm ok with the idea that she might never come back into my life. i love getting the emails saying theres a new post on here, and if there isnt one for a while i get frustrated - lol - and post just to get the ball rolling again. its different for me cos i'm at least 5 hours ahead of probably the majority of people who post on here. its as if checking my email for new posts on here has replaced checking my email for mail from my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
SMF Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 you are not alone.. definitely going through the same thing. its tough and there are days where I feel well maybe I can call, maybe I can scream, maybe I can cry and this person will magically realize. OH NO- if this person missed me and wanted to hear about what I was up to- they would call me. But then you think well maybe this person isn't calling me bc they want me to heal- wrong again- if they wanted to talk- they would call. if they wanted to reconcile and work on things they would. my ex flat out , out of the clear blue- said "he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore" that i am the best girl ever but no can do- needed time, blah blah... If you call your ex or communicate with them- they are going to give you lip service and there is the chance that you will mis-interpret respect for them wanting you back. Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 i sometimes think (through my heart) "maybe she is waiting for me to call, since she was the last to initiate contact" but then i think (through my head) "no... thats the initial part of courtship type of stuff, certainly not post break-up stuff" i always let the head rule over the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinphx Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 i love to read the posts here you guys are all the best. after my break-up i had contact for a month every couple of days one thing i learned about that is the dumper uses you for what they need. they want the love and respect you give them in fact they take it all. but in the end nc is the only thing that can set you free they have to feel the pain of their decsion. no matter what you do if you treated this person great and gave them your love they end up hurting worse than you it just takes them awhile. and buy that time you feel great they are just delaying the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
djones Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Guys, Thanks I have been reading the posts and they are helping me but today, I feel like am am losing my nerves and mind...I just feel like everything is out my control.....I dont know just needed to vent... Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 welcome to the "no contact does work - ex has called" CHAT ROOM, is this a race to be the 700th poster lol. vent away drjones - its just natural what you are going through, i got panic attacks when we first split up, but i know how to handle them now as i used to have them ages ago. if you are having them, but it doesnt sound like you are... i always remember someone saying when i hit a whitey during a smoke-dope session in my youthful days "don't panic when you panic" ie accept what you are going thru is a natural reaction and dont worry about it because it compounds it. Link to post Share on other sites
djones Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Thanks Miggsbucks, I am just tried of this ride....the up and downs....but like you all i have to just ride it out and dont worry about it....thanks again...I needed so help from you guys...I know I will be venting again take care Link to post Share on other sites
SwEeT P Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 im in the same boat as u guys......been a month and a 1/2 since my bf broke things off with me...........been a week of nc...im kinda tired of this rollercoaster my self ...... i wanna get off this ride..lolol Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 been 5 days of NC for me and a month since we "broke up" althoughwe never really did? But, has he talked to you? Or does he take your calls? Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 my ex sms me last nite again to ask me how i was after i told him two weeks ago never to contact me again because i am not looking for a frienship with him, i wanted more than that.... i have ignored his emails, calls and text msges for the past two weeks but finally responded this morning. I said i was fine and asked how he was doing to which he replied fine too. Then i went straight to the point and said that he already knew i will not be satisfied just being his friend why is he contacting me. And .... he does his favourite game of ignoring AGAIN.... i totally expected him to evade my question, but I had hoped he would have surprised me after two weeks of no contact....well.... its really ridiculous, contacting me for the past two weeks and when i asked a simple question he ignores... well...since i broke the no contact i decided to heed fishman's advice and made things crystal clear to him.. i told him i cannot be his friend because i still have feelings for him and i will not settle for next best alternative i.e. to be his friend. if he feels that he cannot lose me then he has to give up the other ger. he cannot have his cake and eat it. and i told him to contact me only if he wants to pursure a relationship with me or else to forget me and let me go. well im sure i made myself pretty clear this time.... Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 Shellen, Your situation is a little harder to deal with than the simple no-contact philosophy. You need to ignore all attempts at contact from your ex from now on (unless of course it is a plea to get back together). This will be difficult but you must hang in there and do not be tempted to reply. Change your phone number - don't get rid of the old one, but make your "active" number a new one. This is so you can go about your daily routine without him interfering with his b/s shallow texts. Keep your old number so you can switch on every 2 weeks or so, to see if he is continuing to make a fool of himself with these texts. This way you can get on with your life without him bugging you with these little reminders. Either this or just completely ignore them - which can be a little more difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
SwEeT P Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 the last i talked to my bf was a week ago......he just left a voice mail on my cell saying ty for the roses i sent him for his bday(y i wasted my time and money is beyond me)...... he said he was busy cuz hes movin to his new apt and he couldnt call me........i told him last week in a email that when he gets settled in if he has time to think about me and our relationship to gimmie a call........................How can someone just throw away 3yrs is beyond me.....What do u mean Beth u never really broke up????????? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 well we never broke up becasue the last I heard from him we were fine and then he stopped taking my calls and calling. His divorce is finalizing and he gets weird. She had a PI on him and he claimed last time he did this he was "scared". Whatever -bottom line....I am done. I am not sure how he could plan a future with me and just drop me! We were together 2 yrs and it is hard for me since i never got closure and i know he will call again one day. but i hope i have moved on. I miss him a lot, but kinda see i was better off without the drama Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Hello everyone, This thread has been very useful to many people, and I'm sure it will continue to do so even though it has been locked to further posting. Rather than attaching new personal stories to this thread, we encourage members to post new threads of their own, so that your situations will receive individual attention. You can easily reference this thread by posting a link to it. Best wishes, midori Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts