No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[lost_in_chgo]

Yes jw,

 

the point is that there are stages, but you absolutely cannot predict when things will change. Too many variables and too many thoughts involved.

[rd1978]

FOLLOW UP

ok i had the talk the other night ,,, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=262673#post262673

 

so we really had the TALK today she called me like 3 times today and said she had to talk to me,,,, so she kept saying why do you like me so much? so i was like i just do ,,, so basically i just asked her what she wanted and she was like i dont know ,,, so i asked her if she understood evrything i had said the other night and she said yes,,, so i said what do you want,, so finally after some talking and arguing she admittted that she couldnt do anything right now because she is seeing someone else...{already knew that } so then it got down and dirty ,,, i was like basically i needed to know that to move on with other people,,, I told her talking to her as much as she was calling and writing,, i got mixed signals { she tried to play it off like it was nothing ,,but she knew} And i said now didnt i ask you not to call me if you were seeing other people,, and her response was,, you shouldn't have awnsered the phone,,, { ok i ignored her calls for a month then i finally awnsered} i think she is a little immature by that comment

 

so basically she ended up telling me what i told her the night before couldnt be true because,, since i was going to move on,, and have the possibility of being more serious with other people then--- i must not really mean what ive said,,,,,, so i told her do you expect me to wait around while your out messing around???,, and she said no ,,, so basically it ended up going in circles ,, me saying im moving on and her saying you dont mean everything you said to me about how you feel,,,,,

{she was very immature,, and i know she does NOT want to see me with anyone else,, as i know she wont be able to NOT talk to me} I told her i think its best we continue doing what we were doing and if we cross paths in the future,, then its meant to be

 

so then she opened up and got honest,, she said i have really been thinking about you for the past week or 2,,,,,And thinking about us,,,,, And going back and forth ,,,then you told me how you felt last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it,,, and you mean alot to me,, you cant expext me to make a decision right now,,, then she said give me a week,, and i was like i heard what i need to hear ,, and that is you are with somone else and you have been calling me alot and tried to ask me to hang out ,,, is that fair to them?????? and she kept saying give me a week so i ended it with im going to go now bye.....

 

overall i gave her a reality check ,, and even though i was up front and honest about my feelings i was really serious about moving on,, and she could not handle that,,,,, im glad she was honest and said she has been thinking about me alot lately and was really upset what i said to her last night because it made her think like crazy,, because she thaught i wanted nothing to do with her,... i feel so much better now ,, regardless what happens,,,, ANY SUGGESTIONS?

[wildturkey]

I have a similar dilema. I popped the question and backfired basically because I did it in public and did not do it romantically as she may have expected. please see my thread in second chances under wildturkey. I value any suggestions anyone can post. should I go throught the no-contact?

[Whisper]

Ex has asked me to hang out three times within the past two days. I've been busy all three times.

 

 

 

 

.... could he really just want to hang out as friends? should i read anything into this?

[buckenut]

Long time reader first time poster.....

 

The scoop.... Read RD1978 story and you have a total reflection of what is going on with me. The only difference is she does not have a boyfriend that I know of anyway. Needs space wants to do things on her own blah bla blah. We have been broke up for about 9-10weeks now

 

First 2 days after break up I begged did everything wrong. Realized this was stupid. Talked to her for another week, then after that cut off all contact. Well I mean I do not contact her.

 

She calls evey now and then, once twice a week and text messages me EVERYNIGHT just about stupid stuff. Just about every weekend when I am home she wants to see me or go out.

 

All is well and good, but I have NO CLUE as to what she wants or why she is doing this. I have finally got to the point where I realize I do not need her in my life to be happy etc (NC is great for that, truly it is). I have already told her a couple weeks into the break-up that I do not want to be her friend. This break-up was not a mutual type of thing and it would be too hard on me. She cried, and said if we ever get back together you won't be my friend... I said that is rhetorical and you know it.

 

So last night I she sent me a text message at 5... there was nothing to reply back about so I didn't...

Then at 1:30 in the morning I get a text " R U upset with me, I hope not but it seems like you never want to talk to me...ever. I hope everything is cool? The whole thing ticked me off a little.. I was out with my boys etc and just did not want to think about her for the night. So I wait till this morning and text her back... Said Not sure what you mean??? Upset??? Nope!! She replied 2 seconds later with OK.

 

I am not sure if she is made or what but that was a vaugue response, but she might have been at work or mad I didn't reply right back. I am not sure.

 

Was that response ok? Any advice on what I should do. I do want her back, but I am not going to be the one chasing you know. Any words of wisdom would be great. RD1978 I think I am coming to the point where I am going to ask her what the hell she wants from me... she has to let me know where she stands and what she wants. I have layed my cards on the table a long time ago but she has told me nothing..

 

Anyway, hope all is well in the world of heart break, confusion, and hurt.

[rd1978]

Isnt it one of the most *****ng anoying things???? she breaks it off with you,,, but yet remains in contact,,, it"s bullsh*t... I dont want to say it like this but more than 50% of people will not break up with someone unless they have another interest,,,{ this may totally not be the case} IT could be a test or something stupid,,,,, you know her the best,,, i only know what i read about other situations and my own for judgement.... ITS crap ,, i asked my ex if she ever thaught i was going to call her again and she said NO ,,, I personally think if you are going to break up with someone,, then you need to come to the realization that you are going to set that person free,,,, and deal with the fact that its not right to string them along while your dating someone else

[Nozmo]

I applaud both of you for being so strong. I am trying myself to be strong and GET BACK CONTROL OF ME OVER THE EX, but how do you do that? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Ya'll have down the right thing, as far as setting boundaries go. I read something today about relationships-the article said that people who are easy to get are less valued, and that is SO true. So keep on being "hard to get". I wish I had control of myself and situation I'm facing (ex said ne needed space/get priorities straight, but have only spoken to him 2x and seen him once.)

 

Any suggestions for me would be great!

 

Nozmo

[crazydawg]

its been 16 days since no contact for me and i finally get an email. Basically she states that she heard about my new job and is happy for me and she wants to know if anything is new and hows my family. She said that i should talk to her because we agreed to be friends and to write her back when i get the chance. I'm thinking i shouldn't i'm starting to realize how ****ed up she was to me when we broke up. It kinda feels good because she knew i'm not the one to ever give in however dearly it kills me inside. She got back with her ex and supposedly likes it that way. For now...... But to be honest with you NO CONTACT did work. I got what i wanted i wanted her to contact me first but i dont feel the same way i tihnk i'm going through the grieving process and agreeing that if she doesn't make an effort to win me back why shud I it kinda even disgusts me knowing that someone else is having relations with her especially someone i abused fo rbeing dirty when i was with her.

You know girls throw the red flags when they're going to break up with you what i noticed so far is

 

1. They start distancing themselves, or they have more time with friends

2. For some reason they don't want to come over your house anymore (be it guilt or something else)

3. They start to wander, or in other words can't look you in the eye.

4. And they become less affectionate.

 

These are the red flags i learned anyone else can add to that?

[nikkicam71]

I'm going to try and make this short, sweet and to the point. (Okay maybe not so short, sorry!) I posted this on a separate thread, but would really like advice from the posters here.

 

I was madly in love with this guy...thought he was "the one". I honestly thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Our relationship was wonderful, his family loved me, mine loved him, he was very close to my son. We were unbelievably compatible, couldn't seem to get enough of each other, etc. (I should probably mention that he is younger than I am...none of that ever seemed to matter to either of us, though in retrospect I suppose I should have considered it more than I did.)

 

He had alot going on...he lost his father a year ago, took over family responsibilities...caring for his 17-year-old sister, helping his mother w/ finances and investments, etc (he's only 25). He felt alot of pressure...I tried to help him deal w/ everything, including his emotions regarding his dad's death. He was scheduled to start a new business in June, kind of far away. Required him being out of town three days a week...seasonal business. Anyway, I thought we'd manage things, work things out, etc. About a month before the business opened, he became distant, angry, easily annoyed. I asked several times if he'd met someone else. SWORE it wasn't another woman...up until we stopped talking, still insisted. Anyway, long story short, he ended up breaking up w/ me...not me, not us, cared very much for me, hated doing this to me, wasn't fair for him to break up w/ me, etc, but too much stress and "we" were the only thing he could change in his life right now. Two weeks, no contact. He emailed me, then he called. Wanted to be "friends". He called two times a week for five weeks...finally, after seven or eight weeks post-break up I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that talking to him hurt me too much, that I was giving myself false hope, that he seems very happy w/ his life now and I'm happy for him, but this break up wasn't what I wanted and talking to him made me miss us...didn't want to be around when he started dating someone else (didn't mention that I thought maybe he already had!) Told him that I'm sorry, but being friends just wouldn't work for me right now...if something changed for him, if he missed me and wanted to spend time together or see where things might go with us, by all means give me a call. He apologized for causing me more pain, said he was sorry I felt that way...told me if something changed for me and I became okay with being friends..."whichever happens first"...to please call him. At that point I wanted to scream...doesn't he GET IT?? Anyway, I just said, take care of yourself. Nothing else. He said, you too...I said goodbye and hung up the phone. That was 16 days ago. I've gone thru it all as though we were breaking up all over again.

 

Here's my question...does this no contact thing REALLY work? Even if you stayed in contact w/ the person for 5 weeks post break up? I think the only reason he wanted to stay friends was because he felt guilty for hurting me so badly. He thinks I'm a wonderful person...really admires me in many ways. But I read something the other day...that the person who isn't hurt by the breakup wants to stay friends, while the person who is needs time and space to heal. I'd thought all along that he kept in touch because he didn't want to lose me entirely. He did tell me that this was difficult for him to do..he cried when he broke up w/ me. I'm just really confused. I WILL NOT call him...but I miss him so much and I'd give ANYTHING if he would realize what he lost and call...tell me he missed me...ask to see me.

 

Don't get me wrong...I've accepted that it's over. He's not coming back. I've even gone on a few dates. I love my life and I am happy with my life, with or without him. I just really love him, and I miss what we had. I don't understand, and I probably never will. I guess maybe I just want someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing...NO CONTACT. Because I miss him like hell.

 

~Nikki

[dasani08810]

NO CONTACT. Because I miss him like hell.

 

There is your answer. If you stay in contact, you will always miss him; and, he will never miss you. Understand?? I'm sure you have said all that needs to be said to him. Done all you can do. But, life is not a romance novel or a Lifetime movie. There isn't one phrase you can say a certain way; or one action you can do to change things. He needs to FEEL his feelings; the only way he can FEEL his feelings is when you aren't around. As long as you are there, he doesn't have to. Make him FEEL it. And at the same time, your missing him will diminish with no contact.

 

I think there are certain levels of no contact. I've been doing some thinking and think that no contact should be progressive. Maybe none at break-up for a couple of weeks. Then, maybe a light "how ya doin?" and test the waters just a bit. Then, if it looks to you like they are just keeping you in limbo because you voluntarilly stay there; that's when I think the dumpee should just make their feelings known, state your limits on any reconnection, and then disappear.

 

Unfortunatly for me, I made the mistake of jumping too soon and found myself back in that limbo position. Stupid me!!! But, lesson learned. She has become "dead to me" now. I won't initiate any contact and will not accept any contact unless it's about working it out. I know her and I know she loves the safty net. Well, it's time these people learn what it's like to live life without a net. You have control over this stuff! Not just him. Set your limits and keep to them. If they come around, cool. If not, by the time they realize you are gone, you are too far gone to care. Know what I mean??

[Nozmo]

Nikki, I know what you're going through. Each time I have spoken to my ex (who said we'd stay in contact but has failed to call/see me) the old wounds open up again, and false hope comes into place.

 

Dasani said it best in his reply-I think not talking to the ex unless it's about working things out is the best. I know I couldn't be friends with my ex- there's too much "water under the bridge." I know the pain hurts, but acknowledge it and grieve however you need to. When something is too easy to acquire, its value isn't worth as much (same thing in relationships.) I do not try to contact my ex or try to see him by any means (I even got a phone call from him early this morning but I didn't answer it.) When your ex sees that you're doing fine standing on your own two feet and don't "need" him to be happy, he'll come around.

 

I am in the limbo state right now, but don't plan to be much longer b/c in a couple of weeks I plan on confronting my ex and giving him a "now or never" ultimatum. TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOU, GIRL!! Don't let this guy call the shots-you're heart and feelings are on the line, too.

 

It totally sucks being apart from the one you thought WAS the one, but just be strong. One day you'll get the final say-so!

 

Keep me posted, and Dasani, as always, your advice is great!

 

Noz

[jw32802]

Is 2 weeks with no contact long enough for him to have realized what life's like without me? Whats the time period when they start to think "wow, shes really moved on, and shes not calling me, what would life really be like if she really did move on" I guess 2 weeks isn't long enough.

[dasani08810]

I guess 2 weeks isn't long enough.

 

No, 2 weeks is just starting the "relief" stage on their part. Especially if you have been in constant contact. From what I've read, it will take about another 4-6 weeks before they've weeded out that bad memories and start to look at the good ones.

If they are going to miss you, that's what has to happen.

[dreamguy]

Quick update on my situation:

 

I just hung up with my ex. Basically I told her this: "I'm moving on with my life and I think it's better we cut all contact regardless of the feelings we might still have for each other. You're just so confused about what you want that I cannot be your friend anymore, this is not even friendship."

So she said "You know, everytime I think about us I fear I have made the biggest mistake of my life by ending this relationship and leaving you. I mean there will always be this chemistry between us."

So I said "Had you trusted my words everytime I used to talk to you then you would have never made that mistake, anyway I gotta get going. You take care and good luck in your life."

The important thing to mention is that I'll probably still bump into her on the beach (sometimes with her bf) for the next month or so. I'll just pretend she doesn't exist unless she says "hi" to which I'll reply "hi" and keep on moving as if she was a complete stranger.

 

The fact is, I knew I was gonna feel like sh*t after doing what I did today. I knew I was gonna hurt like hell (and I'm hurting like never before). I knew there will be moments where I'll regret ending this contact I had with her. But still I went ahead and did it. Not because I was hoping she'll get back to me but because I cannot go on lying to myself about having hope when I can't be certain of anything. Now, after having told her what I said tonight, I have the certainty that I need to be able to move on with my life although it will be very painful.

Good luck to everyone on this forum who is still struggling with that decision: To end contact with their ex or to remain in contact with them. Life is unfair but hey we have to live it !

Better to walk away with pride then to keep hanging on to hope like a loser !!!!

[dasani08810]

DG,

 

Man! You should be feeling great. You managed to take the higher road here. After so many weeks/months that we lay down and "take it" we finally get to our breaking point and just say "SCREW IT, YOU AIN'T WORTH IT". I think they push and push and after a while it gets to be the whole dance. Know what I mean. Now you've done 2 things here. You have left her with those haunting thoughts that will be there for a long time.

On our side of the fence, we don't have to deal with that. We only have to deal with the loss. After a while, our minds are clear and it's more like an "oh well, I did what I could do." We have the upper hand when we walk away.

 

Now, I can tell you from experience; whenever she gets into a tiff with her b/f, those thoughts will come back to haunt her. "Did I make a mistake? Should I have tried again." Those haunts last a long long time. A lot longer than the hurt we feel..

 

I know that doens't take away all the pain you feel now. And for the next few days you'll regret telling her that. But rest assured, it was the only song left in the dance. You had to do it. Kudos DUDE!!

[dreamguy]

dasani thx for your reply.

I'm just not really myself right now, it's like when you get shot they say you don't feel the pain caused by the bullet right away then when you do it hurts like hell.

I wasn't really feeling the pain I was going to cause myself by cutting all contact with her. Now, a few hours later, I already know I'm gonna miss her like the desert misses the rain !

Now you said two things:

 

1) You have left her with those haunting thoughts that will be there for a long time.

2) Now, I can tell you from experience; whenever she gets into a tiff with her b/f, those thoughts will come back to haunt her. "Did I make a mistake? Should I have tried again." Those haunts last a long long time. A lot longer than the hurt we feel..

 

What do you exactly mean by all that, can you explain in details ? One other thing, you said "from experience" so what happened with you and how did she react ?

Don't know if she'll call again one day soon. I'm not even sure I'll answer if she calls anyway.

[dasani08810]

What happened with me was just that. She didn't respond after I told her to leave me alone til she wanted to work things out. I know her though; she's mulling everything in her head.

 

Now, with yours and what you did:

 

I dumped a girl a long long time ago.. TO this day, it STILL haunts me. My, then cheating wife, and I were separated. My now ex-wife wanted to work things out. For the longest time, I struggled with letting this other girl go. She was awesome. Even knowing that I believe once a cheater always a cheater, I let that girl go anyway and went back with the "wife". In my heart, I knew it was the wrong decision.....but, I did it anyway. To this day, some 8 years later, I STILL think about the girl I dumped to go back to my ex. It will haunt me for life and a very bad decision.

If you think about it this way: Have you ever left one job for another job that looked more promising? Then, find out a couple of months into it, it wasn't that good of a move? What happens is we look at the old job and all its good points and compare it to the new job and all its bad points. Even though we can't go back to the old job, we kick ourselves for leaving it.

 

I think after a time people do that with old relationships. We look at the trouble we have in a current relationship and see the bad; but also start to romanticize the old relationship. So, we compare the bad points with the new against the good of the old. That's a VERY haunting feeling if we were the ones that made the choice to change partners. Now, your ex is the one that made that choice, not you. You have only regrets of the things you could have changed to not be in this position. However, there is nothing more you can do. With her, she knows she can come back and doesn't. The longer she waits, the more she is going to feel the impact of her decision. If you walk on her, I believe at first, it will solidify her position. But that's good. As time goes on and she sees that this new guy ain't all that and a bag of chips, she'll look back at all the good you did for her. Like, open doors, take her out, blah blah blah. That's when she'll start to miss you. It's going to suck for her.

 

Even though I drew my line and DEMANDED respect, I don't think I'll be hearing from her for a while. But, a while ago, I booked a marriage seminar for both of us that I know she'll be at around the end of September. I'm going to be absolutely quiet till then and see what happens. During this time, I'm dating and having a blast. I am very happy with myself for finally drawing a bold black line. Telling her not to contact me is defineatly an ultimatum; but one she has to respect. I will MAKE HER RESPECT it by not even responding to anything other than "I love you, I want you, I want to make it work". Anything less than that is a no-go. This is about me now. I don't want to play the "we're friends" game anymore. Forget that crap. That only puts us in limbo and does nothing toward getting to start, or closure. She's confused and on a rollercoaster. Me? I'm just hangin out in the beer garden and watching the rollercoaster go up and down. I got off- I said "when". LOL It sucks that I had to do that; but, if I didn't, the frustration would just continue until I gave her enough safety net to safely go into another relationship. She wants out, fine; GET OUT THEN. Don't call me, don't email me, don't come to me for comfort. Get that from the other guys you go out with. After a while, she'll realize all that I did for her when she finds that they don't.

 

She would have kept me in that position as long as I let her. But, forget it! I'm not going to enable her to have it easy while I stay in pain. NO FREAKIN WAY! I've already given more of my dignity than I should have. She doesn't get anymore from me. NOPE.

 

Like anyone else, your ex was looking to you to try to fill that void that you filled before. If she's coming to you for that, then her new b/f ain't doin it for her. What you did was put ALL the burden on him. He wants her, make HIM do the work to keep her on his own. Right now, you're on vacation!!!!! :-)

[miggsbucks]

Dreamguy,

 

Why don't you tell your ex your true feelings for her? Maybe this will work better than your text book approach. It sounds to me (although i havent read all of this thread, but read quite a lot of the beginning few pages, and your latest posts) that if she can get back with her ex, then she could easily get back with you. It does sound like she is still really interested in you, and thinks a great deal about you. I wouldn't despair, because you have only tried one method so far, without success. Have a serious think about it though. Don't just take my advice blindly. You still have this card to play, and have a serious think about how you want to play it. If, indeed, you do. Maybe some grand romantic gesture.

[sid3]

I couldn't agree with you more dasani:

 

watching the rollercoaster go up and down. I got off- I said "when".

 

That is truly what it takes.Continuing to contact, or even wanting to only keeps you missing them, Screw that. I may have been the biggest mess on this forum for awhile, but N/C was exactly what I needed. It does a world of good. It feels good to have taken back control. Now it seems like things only hurt as bad as one allows them to.

[nikkicam71]

Listen, whoever it was that posted that trying a different option (like some grand romantic gesture) might work hasn't been on this side of the fence...or they can't see the grass fading to brown once autum sets in. DO NOT give up your new found self-respect. This forum has kept me sane. I was on the receiving end of the rollercoaster out of control, and I finally put an end to being his security blanket/doormat. I LOVE HIM...more than I can express, but I LOVE ME MORE. If you got dumped, why allow that person to feed off of you emotionally for some indefinite amount of time in HOPES that they will finally see the light??? IF they love you, if they truly believe they made a mistake, if fate and karma are in the right atmosphere, they will be back. In the meantime, CONTINUE TO LOVE YOURSELF!!! Obviously the ex, whoever he/she might be, is doing whatever they seem to think is necessary to make themselves feel better...including stringing you along for as long as is humanly possible. Fate brings people into our lives for a reason...if they are meant to be there for the long haul, they will be. You don't need to be anyone's doormat to see that happen. In fact, if you allow yourself to be that, it probably never will.

 

Just my humble opinion, from someone who has lost someone that meant more than I can express....nevertheless, he didn't mean more to me than I DO !!!

 

~N

[dreamguy]

Dasani,

She's confused and on a rollercoaster. Me? I'm just hangin out in the beer garden and watching the rollercoaster go up and down. I got off- I said "when". LOL It sucks that I had to do that; but, if I didn't, the frustration would just continue until I gave her enough safety net to safely go into another relationship. She wants out, fine; GET OUT THEN. Don't call me, don't email me, don't come to me for comfort. Get that from the other guys you go out with. After a while, she'll realize all that I did for her when she finds that they don't.

She would have kept me in that position as long as I let her. But, forget it! I'm not going to enable her to have it easy while I stay in pain. NO FREAKIN WAY! I've already given more of my dignity than I should have. She doesn't get anymore from me. NOPE.

Like anyone else, your ex was looking to you to try to fill that void that you filled before. If she's coming to you for that, then her new b/f ain't doin it for her. What you did was put ALL the burden on him. He wants her, make HIM do the work to keep her on his own. Right now, you're on vacation!!!!! :-)

Right about that ! I have already mentionned the things she said yesterday when I asked her to cut all contact with me. She would have never admitted that, she said "I fear I have made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you". I couldn't believe my ears... I was like (in my own head of course) : "now you're telling me that !?!"

Anyway guys, I think I'll bump into her on the beach today. I'll keep you posted.

Dasani thanks for your reply. It sure makes sense !

miggsbucks I have already told her about my feelings once. Can't/won't do that again. but thanks for the suggestion although I don't think a big gesture will be beneficial. It would only make me come across as weak.

nikkicam71, don't worry. I won't give up my new found self-respect

[Nozmo]

Good Job, Dasani and Dreamguy! You stood up for yourself and got control back of YOU!

 

Now, let me ask ya'll a question: I didn't hear from my ex for a month, finally saw him and we talked, then a week and a half later STILL haven't heard from him at all. Now, for me to have closure once and for all, I feel like I need to confront him and give him a "sh*t or get off the pot" ultimatum, even though I am dealing with the situation as if he's never coming back. WHEN should I confront my ex? How long did you wait to do so? He's waiting on ME to run back to him and beg him back, but he's the one that packed his stuff and left in the middle of the night! Any advice that ANY of you can give me on this would be extremely helpful!

 

Nozmo

[Nozmo]

Hey Nikki! Sounds like you and me are/were in the same boat! I'm glad to hear that you finally took control of your situation and put YOU first instead of your ex. Doesn't it totally suck to love someone wholeheartedly and give everything you have, emotionally and physically, for them just to turn their back on you?

 

I've come to the conclusion that we can only control our own actions, and can't live life worrying about someone else's actions. My ex lives a hard-core partying lifestyle, and unfortunately I don't fit into it. One day they, our exes, will be singing the "What If" song, but it will be too late. They pushed and pushed us away, until there was so much distance between we finally moved on to other, hopefully better, things in life.

 

You're right-this forum has been a God-send for me too! It's helpful reading what others in a similiar situation do to help get them through the rough patches.

 

Read my earlier reply about what I should do, as far as confronting my ex about making a decision to finally stay or leave, and tell me what you think. Everyone's advice is welcome!

 

Take care and it sounds like you're on the road to recovery-hopefully I will be, too!

 

Nozmo

[Dinny]

Hey guys!!!!!.......I have just spent the last hour following every post that has been put on this forum and you are all God sends!!!!!

 

It was too tempting not to put a reply on this esp when I saw that mine would be the 200th !!!!

 

Hopefully it will not be the last............

 

Anyway my question is this to Dreamguy, Noxmo, Fishman (if you're still with us!!!) and all you other lovely people who have put your thoughts and feelings into this forum..........

 

My boyfriend was CP...........when I hit rock bottom I took a month out for me but then we had a mutual friend's wedding to go to in another country so we met up in the country and were staying with the friends.

 

We all went out together the night before the wedding (it was the first time we had seen each other since I had taken the time out) a few drinks and a few laughs later we were home and in bed doing the dirty deed and after it I told him that the things he had done to me before I took the time out i.e. not making me a priority in his life, always putting his friends, business etc before me had left me feeling really low and depressed etc etc he said he agreed with me that he felt so bad about it all.

 

To cut a long story short we went to the wedding and returned home without discussing "us" or the relationship and on leaving him outside my front door he said that we would meet up on Saturday and have a chat and do something nice and I agreed. That was midweek.......I heard nothing from him from then on and when he didn't contact me on the Saturday I thought "ok, the CP has kicked in again and he has bolted" (as he had done so many times before but had always come back!)

 

I decided then that I had to do something and although the advise given in the books that I had read on CP said I shouldn't have contacted him........I wrote him a letter on the Sunday because I felt I had to end it, get closer before I could move on.

 

I wrote him a nice letter (not a nasty one!) telling him that i would've liked to have seen him face to face to say the following things but that he mustn't have had the courage to do that and I said I had done alot for him over our time together but that I felt in the last 5 months I had become less & less of a priority to him, listed the priorities that I felt were coming before me with examples of things he had said or done proving them.

 

I told him how much he meant to me and that after nearly a year and a half together he should be feeling something simliar.

 

I told him what I thought he needed to do to go forward in his life and told him to be brave when he decided to do it. That I understood that he obviously liked his life the way it was at the minute but that I could no longer carry on not being a priority in his life etc etc. and that I didn't want a reply to my letter....that I had the closure that I deserved from putting it all down on paper

 

I left it to his house and about an hour later I got a text message from him (quite cold) saying that he was going to write back to me but it would be at the latter part of the following week because he was moving house! and I text him back saying that that was my point exactly....... & not to bother writing back because "moving house" was more of a priority than I was!

 

I heard nothing more from him and then about a week after that I got the photos from the wedding we had been to and I left a set of them up to his work (when it was closed so I wouldn't see him) and put a small note saying I thought he might like a set of them and what a great time I had had at the wedding and maybe someday we could meet up for a chat (we had been really close friends for about 5 years before we became a couple).

 

I left it like that.....that was a month ago and I have heard nothing since.

 

I have no intentions in contacting him again but do you guys think I did the wrong thing writing him that letter. Do you think the "3 month regret" thing that has been mentioned on this forum might happen with me?

 

I know it sounds awful but I really do want him to realise what he has lost with me but do you think he is really mad at me for sending that letter?

 

I just hate bad feeling and I wanted to walk away with my self respect which is why I wrote to him in the first place!!!!!

 

Any words of encouragement or views especially from the guys in the forum would be so gratefully appreciated!

[jw32802]

What is the "3 month regret?"