drifter777 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 How long ago was this, drifter? Are you still unhappy? As I said: I'll never forgive myself for saying yes and thinking I could just put it all behind me. The anger and self-loathing I still feel is overwhelming at times, although understanding my state of mind back then has helped me begin to forgive myself. There's no time limit on emotions, and I'm done pretending that what she did wasn't abhorrent and that I can simply "put it behind me". I should have divorced her and I will regret my decision to stay as long as I live. Some people on LS say things like it takes 3 - 5 years to recover from infidelity. I have no idea where they pull these numbers from or whether their source is credible. Even if it is, what if you don't really face the trauma until ten or fifteen years later? Does this 3 - 5 years start at d-day or when you decide to pull it out from the dark, recesses of your mind and face the truth? I would bet that any psychologist would say that recovery doesn't start until both BS and WS start working to resolve the thing. Anyone disagree? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I am sure that someone has asked you this and I have not seen the answer, but why do you stay? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I am sure that someone has asked you this and I have not seen the answer, but why do you stay? I had a 7 year-old son, was completely dazed & confused, and I desperately wanted to ease the pain I was in. I was young and stupid enough to believe I could compartmentalize something like this and simply not think about it. I was completely alone with my thoughts and feelings since I was so embarrassed of my wife for her slutty behavior I couldn't bring myself to talk about it to anyone. As time went on I became even more ashamed that I didn't have the guts to leave back then. Unfortunately for me, we had two more children by the time I began to face the truth so I just continued to tough it out. I haven't even mentioned that I loved her very deeply and wanted to overlook everything she had done and get back to "normal". These are all mistakes that I see BS's make all the time and it always makes me wonder how many end up like me - facing the real truth and needing to have things resolved later in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 My son was also 7 the first time and I also loved my XH, so I get where you are coming from. The kind of person I am made it so that I would most likely have stayed except for that he cheated again. At times, I struggle with wishing I had not stayed for all of those years, but I did and that cannot be changed now. It went against my nature to stay and it surprised friends and family that I did. My son (21) recently told me that he knew why I had stayed and that he understood (no guilt....said he knew I was the adult and he was the child...lol), but he has such disappointment in his father, that he says he wishes I had left. I didn't know what to say to that. It was very sad for my son and some day will be very sad for his father...when he gets his head out of his arse. I hope you can find some peace. I am not a poster child for how happy a person can be when they leave someone, but I can tell you that I am getting there and I am pretty excited that I will have a good future....just what I will make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I haven't even mentioned that I loved her very deeply and wanted to overlook everything she had done and get back to "normal". These are all mistakes that I see BS's make all the time and it always makes me wonder how many end up like me - facing the real truth and needing to have things resolved later in life. Still a month to go living with my STBXW...we have so many normal moments and I wish it would all just disappear. Then we start talking about D and I can't believe some of the stuff she says, so selfish, just unbelievable. I have to keep reminding myself how horrible it is every time she goes to class...and that that was the main reason for me, how she could betray me so badly and then not take the appropriate actions to put my mind at rest. It's all about her happiness, not mine. That's why we can't stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Still a month to go living with my STBXW...we have so many normal moments and I wish it would all just disappear. Then we start talking about D and I can't believe some of the stuff she says' date=' so selfish, just unbelievable. I have to keep reminding myself how horrible it is every time she goes to class...and that that was the main reason for me, how she could betray me so badly and then not take the appropriate actions to put my mind at rest. It's all about her happiness, not mine. That's why we can't stay together.[/quote'] You are correct. She's actually one of THE most selfish cheating wives I've seen here on LS. Not all women are selfish and self serving. And you deserve better than what she's dished out. Never settle! You are a kind man and deserve a giving woman by your side- your stbxW isn't deserving. Focus on becoming neutral toward the exW - you will make better decisions about your future if you can get to a neutral position about it all. Try not to hand her so much power = she's banking on you handing her all the power. It will bring YOU feeling better balance. Some day - the RIGHT woman will respect and honor and appreciate the beauty of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bosunmate Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I had a 7 year-old son, was completely dazed & confused, and I desperately wanted to ease the pain I was in. I was young and stupid enough to believe I could compartmentalize something like this and simply not think about it. I was completely alone with my thoughts and feelings since I was so embarrassed of my wife for her slutty behavior I couldn't bring myself to talk about it to anyone. As time went on I became even more ashamed that I didn't have the guts to leave back then. Unfortunately for me, we had two more children by the time I began to face the truth so I just continued to tough it out. I haven't even mentioned that I loved her very deeply and wanted to overlook everything she had done and get back to "normal". These are all mistakes that I see BS's make all the time and it always makes me wonder how many end up like me - facing the real truth and needing to have things resolved later in life. I was curious Drifter how long have you been married and how long since wife betrayed you. Its seems senseless to stay if you can't find peace after all this time. I have to agree about the 2-5 year time limit that all the experts say it takes to heal. I believe you can heal if the spouse shows true remorse but i also believe this betrayal is something you never get over ever and i'm sure there are alot of people who like you can not forget and then they get stuck. Good luck to you no matter what you decide to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I was curious Drifter how long have you been married and how long since wife betrayed you. Its seems senseless to stay if you can't find peace after all this time. I have to agree about the 2-5 year time limit that all the experts say it takes to heal. I believe you can heal if the spouse shows true remorse but i also believe this betrayal is something you never get over ever and i'm sure there are alot of people who like you can not forget and then they get stuck. Good luck to you no matter what you decide to do.... Five years, ten years, fifty years; it makes no difference when things are unresolved. I guess most posters here are in that "2 - 5 year from d-day" category so cannot understand the long-term effects of a half-assed reconciliation where the BS simply tries to accept the cheating and the WS sticks to the "It's in the past - I can't change it - get over it" defense. Without guidance the BS is effectively gas-lighted and begins to believe that the unresolved feelings really are their problem. Those BS's who tell me that I should leave my wife and how they could never tolerate dealing with this for so long are likely the same ones who said "If my partner cheated on me that would be the end; zero tolerance; I'd kick them out and file for divorce the next day". Then it happens to you and all your grandiose plans are forgotten as reality slaps you in the face. Why do so many of you assume I've been nailed to a cross for years? Those of you who claim that you have reconciled admit to moments of sadness when you think about what your WS did to you. Then you compartmentalize it somehow and try to keep moving forward. When your kids are grown and your family responsibilities are much less, do you think it might be a little more difficult to compartmentalize unresolved feelings? As you ponder the remaining years of your life, do you think it's possible that you begin to put your own happiness and peace of mind a bit higher on your list of priorities than you did while in the middle of making your career and raising your children? The psychologist I see says that the re-awakening of buried emotions, especially those caused by infidelity, often occurs during the empty-nest years. She considers it commonplace and somewhat typical, although the intensity varies from person to person. Maybe the urge to reconcile, even without true resolution, feels right when we're young because most people don't want to damage their family unit by divorcing. This gives them a reasonable excuse for avoiding the true resolution. They fear, rightly so, that working to resolve their strong emotions will be painfully difficult. It might lead to ending the relationship - something that terrifies them right now. Reflecting on your marriage with all it's ups and downs, things will always be separated into "before the cheating" and "after the cheating". You don't forget, you never regain the trust you had in your WS before they betrayed you. Maybe this accounts for the resentment/contempt that finally surface when raising the children are no longer a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Five years, ten years, fifty years; it makes no difference when things are unresolved. I guess most posters here are in that "2 - 5 year from d-day" category so cannot understand the long-term effects of a half-assed reconciliation where the BS simply tries to accept the cheating and the WS sticks to the "It's in the past - I can't change it - get over it" defense. Without guidance the BS is effectively gas-lighted and begins to believe that the unresolved feelings really are their problem. Those BS's who tell me that I should leave my wife and how they could never tolerate dealing with this for so long are likely the same ones who said "If my partner cheated on me that would be the end; zero tolerance; I'd kick them out and file for divorce the next day". Then it happens to you and all your grandiose plans are forgotten as reality slaps you in the face. Why do so many of you assume I've been nailed to a cross for years? Those of you who claim that you have reconciled admit to moments of sadness when you think about what your WS did to you. Then you compartmentalize it somehow and try to keep moving forward. When your kids are grown and your family responsibilities are much less, do you think it might be a little more difficult to compartmentalize unresolved feelings? As you ponder the remaining years of your life, do you think it's possible that you begin to put your own happiness and peace of mind a bit higher on your list of priorities than you did while in the middle of making your career and raising your children? The psychologist I see says that the re-awakening of buried emotions, especially those caused by infidelity, often occurs during the empty-nest years. She considers it commonplace and somewhat typical, although the intensity varies from person to person. Maybe the urge to reconcile, even without true resolution, feels right when we're young because most people don't want to damage their family unit by divorcing. This gives them a reasonable excuse for avoiding the true resolution. They fear, rightly so, that working to resolve their strong emotions will be painfully difficult. It might lead to ending the relationship - something that terrifies them right now. Reflecting on your marriage with all it's ups and downs, things will always be separated into "before the cheating" and "after the cheating". You don't forget, you never regain the trust you had in your WS before they betrayed you. Maybe this accounts for the resentment/contempt that finally surface when raising the children are no longer a priority. I was still in this state of shock and confusion when my wife decided she didn't want to be with OM and begged me to come home. I'll never forgive myself for saying yes and thinking I could just put it all behind me. The anger and self-loathing I still feel is overwhelming at times, although understanding my state of mind back then has helped me begin to forgive myself. ^^^This^^^ Absolutely no offense meant; it just seemed so. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 If my partner cheated on me it would be the end. On our six month anniversary I caught my Ex kissing another man when I paid an unexpected visit to her work place for a surprise lunch. It was the end, as I told her it was not safe for her to come home that night. When her mom called that evening to wish us a happy six month anniversary I informed her the marriage was over and why I walked away from the marriage and never looked back Link to post Share on other sites
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