Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Then mix it up and do fun stuff. Go sky diving, something that will be exciting to do and kind of crazy. Sky diving?? NO! Why jump out of a perfectly good airplane!! Shoot, I just bought her a new Mustang GT! That is going to have to suffice for now !! As far as the *discussion* in your previous post, she KNOWS where I stand and is in complete agreement! Happily I might add!
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Okay....maybe it is a midlife crisis after all but centered on your W's feelings of achievement. If the passion between the two of you is still great, then do support her in her need for further education and a healthier lifestyle. sounds like you're having a blast! Still getting used to it, but it is fun nonetheless!! :cool:
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 New to this forum and I have an issue that is absolutely scaring the crap out of me!! My wife of 21 years has 'jokingly' said that she is going through a midlife crisis. Everything that I have read and gotten from actually talking to men who have gone through something like this.......sounds like this typically does not turn out well . Just a little background, my wife is in her early 40's, we are done having children, and it is painfully apparent that my wife wants to rediscover herself. What scares me is to what lengths is she willing to go?? Is this urge to recapture what has been lost going to destroy my family? I hope not............my feelings of security are not very high right now. Anyone else gone or going through something like this? What can I do to help her without smothering her? Is my marriage doomed? I don't think it's unusual for men or women to go through some type of midlife crisis in the age 40 to 45 range. Often, they feel like there was a life that they could have had, but never really got an opportunity to live and they want to explore that in some regard. It's definitely something to watch. You can't really stop her so be open to being there to explore those areas with her so she can experience them with you. That way, she sees that you're willing to change and explore some things missed earlier in life, or just new ideas she's wanting to pursue. But if this includes exploring areas you're not comfortable with, then you'll have to make some decisions. Things that are possible flags include: Sudden change of wardrobe, perfumes, stylesSudden change of habits, times away from home, whereabouts Sudden change of interests, desires, or hobbiesSudden need to change or alter her image or lookSudden need to diet, join a club, become fitness mindedSudden friendship changes or alterations Sudden travel urges, interest, or needsSudden changes in musical taste, movies, television If she's doing any of the above with you involved, not a huge concern. If she's trying to "rediscover herself" without you around, that's a problem. A little independence everyone of us deserves. You just have to gauge and monitor how extreme the changes become.
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I guess what has spurned my 'anxiety' is that we are done having children, she is wanting to go back to school to get her Master's degree and maybe even teach some day. She has been a SAHM for many, many years and I think that she is wanting to do something different. All of this has really come out of the blue. We had talked about it in the past, but is was just talk. Now she is acting on the talk. Do you see any signs that make you think she's not content with you and the marriage?
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Things that are possible flags include: [*]Sudden change of wardrobe, perfumes, styles [*]Sudden change of habits, times away from home, whereabouts [*]Sudden change of interests, desires, or hobbies [*]Sudden need to change or alter her image or look [*]Sudden need to diet, join a club, become fitness minded [*]Sudden friendship changes or alterations [*]Sudden travel urges, interest, or needs [*]Sudden changes in musical taste, movies, television : She is doing everything listed above other than the sudden change in habits, travel urges, and changes in friendships. Everything she is doing I have been made aware of before hand and I have been actively involved with. Just trying to support her the best that I can right now................. 1
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Sounds like I should put the two of you together Lol! She has been talking about it for many years, but it has never been very serious. There have been a LOT of changes in her over the last six months that really kind of took me by surprise, new wardrobe, increased libido, more energy, etc. She is basically a different person now...........her biggest fear is turning out like her mother..........mid 60's, sitting at home with nothing to do!! I can understand that........... In that case celebrate. Too many women just lull into those latter years and let themselves go (men too by the way) and my friend, you've got a wife who is excited about NOT going that direction.
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Do you see any signs that make you think she's not content with you and the marriage? You know, I don't really see ANY signs that tells me she is not content with the marriage. Maybe I don't know what to look for, but I don't see any behavior that would make me think that she is looking for a change in scenery.............. Thoughts??
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 No hostility whatsoever, just the opposite. Can't keep her off of me!! You just made 95% of the loveshack men extremely jealous.
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 She still tells me she loves me, daily..........still kisses me with passion, still holds my hand, etc. Did I mention the sex is great as well? That's not a woman having an affair.
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 She is doing everything listed above other than the sudden change in habits, travel urges, and changes in friendships. Everything she is doing I have been made aware of before hand and I have been actively involved with. Just trying to support her the best that I can right now................. Seems to me that everything in your marriage is on track. You probably have nothing to worry about. But I like your preemptive approach to dealing with it. Most wait until the bad ju-ju comes along and then it's too late. You took a totally different approach. 1
Bellechica Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Support her in her efforts to go back to school, and count your blessings, sir!! Enjoy!!!!! It seems she's lucky to have you as well!
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Seems to me that everything in your marriage is on track. You probably have nothing to worry about. But I like your preemptive approach to dealing with it. Most wait until the bad ju-ju comes along and then it's too late. You took a totally different approach. For some reason, this has been a HUGE change in my mind, not hers. I guess I just got used to the baggy jean, home school mom look and when it changed, WOW! She has ALWAYS been beautiful to me no matter what she had on. It is just magnified now with a little more makeup and clothes that are a little more in style. She is very focused on taking care of her body and it shows! She is one of those lucky people that can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound. At 40, she STILL has the body of a 20 year old! I AM lucky for sure!! 1
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Sky diving?? NO! Why jump out of a perfectly good airplane!! Shoot, I just bought her a new Mustang GT! That is going to have to suffice for now !! As far as the *discussion* in your previous post, she KNOWS where I stand and is in complete agreement! Happily I might add! Just thinking of something fun for you both to do together, especially if she is bored and wanting to spice up her life. MLC can cause a lot of problems in a marriage as well as some people get depressed and have other health issues.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 A "midlife crisis" doesn't have to be about getting more or different men / women. It doesn't even have to be an actual "crisis." It's more like a reality check. For many of us, when we reach a certain stage of life we suddenly realize that we really don't have all the time in the world to do whatever we wanted to do. That's a typical illusion of youth. So, since we suddenly know that it's kind of now or never, there can be a sense of urgency about it. Please try to NOT be threatened by this. If you feel threatened, and react to that feeling by trying to hold your wife back (even if this is inadvertent and subconscious), it could drive a wedge between you and hurt your marriage. On the other hand, her expanding horizons can bring more richness and all kinds of good things to your marriage. 1
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 A "midlife crisis" doesn't have to be about getting more or different men / women. It doesn't even have to be an actual "crisis." It's more like a reality check. For many of us, when we reach a certain stage of life we suddenly realize that we really don't have all the time in the world to do whatever we wanted to do. That's a typical illusion of youth. So, since we suddenly know that it's kind of now or never, there can be a sense of urgency about it. Please try to NOT be threatened by this. If you feel threatened, and react to that feeling by trying to hold your wife back (even if this is inadvertent and subconscious), it could drive a wedge between you and hurt your marriage. On the other hand, her expanding horizons can bring more richness and all kinds of good things to your marriage. At first, because I did not know how to react, that DID cause us some strife..........we have moved past that and I really AM trying to embrace who she is, what she wants to do, and give her both financial AND emotional support along the way. I truly love to see her happy and for the first time in our over 20 years together, she appears to be happy with HERSELF!!
standtall Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 WAID, I can see me wife doing this in about 5 yrs. This is my plan. 1. Be positive and supportive. 2. Be involved, but not too involved. She is going to need her space. 3. Take the opportunity to grow and develop myself. This will help ensure that she continues to respect me, I will move forward as well as her. 4. Play rooster. Not too jealous, but make sure she knows that grown women are typically not best buddies with another guy. I'm her buddy, she doesn't need another male one. I will keep an ear to the ground and if I see her getting too involved with other men in whatever it is that she is doing, I will make sure that we both have guidelines about what acceptable behavior is before it becomes an issue.
xxoo Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Try taking her out on some dates, too. Take her somewhere she can wear her new wardrobe I'm enjoying buying new dresses, and looking for places to wear them. But I want to go with my H! He even takes me dress shopping
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 WAID, I can see me wife doing this in about 5 yrs. This is my plan. 1. Be positive and supportive. 2. Be involved, but not too involved. She is going to need her space. 3. Take the opportunity to grow and develop myself. This will help ensure that she continues to respect me, I will move forward as well as her. 4. Play rooster. Not too jealous, but make sure she knows that grown women are typically not best buddies with another guy. I'm her buddy, she doesn't need another male one. I will keep an ear to the ground and if I see her getting too involved with other men in whatever it is that she is doing, I will make sure that we both have guidelines about what acceptable behavior is before it becomes an issue. 1. I HAVE been positive and supportive (more so in the last couple of months than I was towards the beginning of the year...........STUPID me!!) 2. She has kept me involved.....modeling new clothes, dates, etc. 3. Already in pretty descent shape but have started exercising to stay toned! 4. Okay, this is the tough one for me...........I am about 6'-2", strawberry blonde with light freckles and my wife is about 5'-6", brunette, BIG brown eyes and a knockout body!! I feel as if I married over my head BUT...........bottom line...........she chose me! I have to be content with that!!:p 1
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Try taking her out on some dates, too. Take her somewhere she can wear her new wardrobe I'm enjoying buying new dresses, and looking for places to wear them. But I want to go with my H! He even takes me dress shopping We have been doing this a little more lately. Nothing fancy, just spending time together, enjoying each other's company. I am very proud to have her on my arm.
standtall Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) Wait, It sounds as if you're in control of your end. Here is a question. What have you been doing that helps her maintain her level of respect for you? Are your conducting yourself honorably and with integrity in all aspects of your life? You have to give yourself a self audit every now and then to ensure that your bad habits and behaviors(we all have some) are under control. I did something similar with my wife, and her re-action was incredible. We went to a one on one dinner with no kids, had a really positive time and connected well. After dinner I thanked her for being a wonderful wife and mother, then out of the blue and unplanned, I asked her what I could do to make myself a better husband. Now, since I put her on the spot she didn't have a list of things, but she loved the question, and it told her I was open to being approached about anything that I'm doing that she has an issue with...and she does let me know about things that bother her. Edited May 1, 2012 by standtall 2
findingnemo Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I'm beginning to think I could find my mate on LS. Standtall, I know you're M and happily so but I wish someone could clone you and TBK and Ninja and Owl and Just Joe and Thomas and ...oh so many of you. Now for this MLC thing. I'm 38 and I think I've woken up several times thinking I need a change and implemented it. At what point do people go through this phase? Is it about age or a major change like the kids growing up and leaving home? In practical terms, what's a MLC really?
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Wait, It sounds as if you're in control of your end. Here is a question. What have you been doing that helps her maintain her level of respect for you? Are your conducting yourself honorably and with integrity in all aspects of your life? You have to give yourself a self audit every now and then to ensure that your bad habits and behaviors(we all have some) are under control. I did something similar with my wife, and her re-action was incredible. We went to a one on one dinner with no kids, had a really positive time and connected well. After dinner I thanked her for being a wonderful wife and mother, then out of the blue and unplanned, I asked her what I could do to make myself a better husband. Now, since I put her on the spot she didn't have a list of things, but she loved the question, and it told her I was open to being approached about anything that I'm doing that she has an issue with...and she does let me know about things that bother her. A little more background.........when her 'change' started happening, it really took me back, made me start questioning my self worth........A LOT!! Was I a good enough man, husband, father, etc. I really had a lot of questions about myself and had no answers! I had felt an intense amount of fear and anxiety the likes of which I had never experienced before. I was fighting what she was going through because I was not used to it. How selfish of me ! What I DID do was got myself into counseling to help me deal with the emotions that where absolutely dominating my life. I was not sleeping well, was not eating well, and I was absolutely terrified that my wife was looking for something that I could not provide. I know now that is NOT the case or else she would not be telling me that she loves me and WANTS to have sex with me on a daily basis :D:D!! What my counselor told me to do, which has really worked I might add, is give her some emotional space, let her take charge, let HER initiate our lovemaking. What I was doing previously was in essence just pushing her farther away, not to the arms of another, but emotionally farther. After giving her some space, it has had the opposite effect (I must be living in opposite world).............by me giving her space, it actually drew her CLOSER to me. Don't know how it works, but it is working, beautifully I might add. Confidence was a big deal for me. Somehow, someway, I had lost mine. I have found it again and she has told me in the last week how that is such a BIG turn on to her...........seeing her man confident and in charge. We still have some wrinkles to iron out, but I am *confident* that this little experience will help us both grow!! 1
Author What_Am_I_Doing Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I'm beginning to think I could find my mate on LS. Standtall, I know you're M and happily so but I wish someone could clone you and TBK and Ninja and Owl and Just Joe and Thomas and ...oh so many of you. Now for this MLC thing. I'm 38 and I think I've woken up several times thinking I need a change and implemented it. At what point do people go through this phase? Is it about age or a major change like the kids growing up and leaving home? In practical terms, what's a MLC really? My wife is 40, she will be 41 in July. From my experience and from what I have seen, it is different for different people. For my wife, it was just a matter of being done having babies and wanting to move on to the next phase of her life, wanting to take on new challenges, and thankfully, that includes me!! We have talked several times over the last couple of weeks about regrets. She has stated that she has no regrets for being a SAHM for all of these years and she has no regrets for marrying me either. She indicated that she chose me because she knew that I would be stable, would be a good husband and a good father to our children. First couple of months of this year......not so much, but I am getting better and we are BOTH benefiting from her new outlook on life and wanting to experience new things.
standtall Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Wait, I reread some of the posts and realized that you already answered the question I posed. By your awareness of your wife's MLC, and the fact that you've posted here for an opinion, that is an indication that you already are carrying yourself in a manner that makes you attractive to your wife. Enjoy your middle years together. I'm beginning to think I could find my mate on LS. Standtall, I know you're M and happily so but I wish someone could clone you and TBK and Ninja and Owl and Just Joe and Thomas and ...oh so many of you. Nemo, I'm blushing.
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I'm beginning to think I could find my mate on LS. Standtall, I know you're M and happily so but I wish someone could clone you and TBK and Ninja and Owl and Just Joe and Thomas and ...oh so many of you. Now for this MLC thing. I'm 38 and I think I've woken up several times thinking I need a change and implemented it. At what point do people go through this phase? Is it about age or a major change like the kids growing up and leaving home? In practical terms, what's a MLC really? You would have to copy their minds in the new bodies as well or else they will be different individuals.
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