My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me.

[samsungxoxo]

Marriage is something she wants, not him. He is willing to do it to appease her.

Then it would not be a sincere proposal. It's a good reason to break up if one wants marriage and the other partner doesn't. Why would anyone stay in a long relationship with someone not on the same page?? I don't understand that...

[spookie]

I'd say it's a valid reason for breaking up since the two have different values and goals in life. Clinging to relationships where a goal this important isn't shared, is asking...nay jumping up and down and demanding some even greater relationship issues down the road.

 

I agree, however, in this case, I don't necessarily believe desiring/ not desiring marriage, is actually indicative of this couple's differing values/ goals.

 

My understanding is that the OP believes her BF to be 100% committed to a life with her, with all the shared goals that entails.

 

There is something that makes him uncomfortable with the concept of marriage, but it doesn't sound like he's trying to keep his options open, or doesn't value the relationship the same way that she does.

 

She should certainly figure out what it is about marriage that she is seeking he is reluctant to give. Understanding this will help her evaluate whether they have the same values/ goals.

 

But marriage as an end in itself IMO is not a significant enough "goal" to be a dealbreaker in a situation like this. Especially when he is willing, if not jumping up and down for joy at the prospect.

[threebyfate]

I agree, however, in this case, I don't necessarily believe desiring/ not desiring marriage, is actually indicative of this couple's differing values/ goals.

 

My understanding is that the OP believes her BF to be 100% committed to a life with her, with all the shared goals that entails.

 

There is something that makes him uncomfortable with the concept of marriage, but it doesn't sound like he's trying to keep his options open, or doesn't value the relationship the same way that she does.

 

She should certainly figure out what it is about marriage that she is seeking he is reluctant to give. Understanding this will help her evaluate whether they have the same values/ goals.

 

But marriage as an end in itself IMO is not a significant enough "goal" to be a dealbreaker in a situation like this. Especially when he is willing, if not jumping up and down for joy at the prospect.

I like what you've written even though I don't agree with it.

 

What you're asking for is that the OP give up what's blatantly important to her JUST to remain in the relationship. Are relationships that valuable with this one person or can there be others she's more compatible with in the future, who also share the same goals in life?

 

I also have to question why she would remain for 12 years in a relationship with a man who has differing goals.

[spookie]

I like what you've written even though I don't agree with it.

 

What you're asking for is that the OP give up what's blatantly important to her JUST to remain in the relationship. Are relationships that valuable with this one person or can there be others she's more compatible with in the future, who also share the same goals in life?

 

I also have to question why she would remain for 12 years in a relationship with a man who has differing goals.

 

In his own words her bf already told her "a million times" he'd marry her... so all I am asking her to give up, is the requirement that he be ecstatic about it. For a lifetime with the man that she loves and trusts, in my opinion, that's a bargain.

 

Are there others out there she'd be equally compatible with, who also share her goal of jumping for joy at the prospect of marriage? Probably, but it will take some time to find them, and there is a risk that she won't. Good relationships are not easy to come by, and she's been with this guy for 12 years and will likely need some time to grieve.

 

If everything else is truly great, if he is as committed to relationship as she says, and is willing to marry her if it's important to her; I just don't think it's worth it to leave, just because he's not as excited as she is. Provided that his "uncomfortableness" does not indicate some serious issue.

[threebyfate]

In his own words her bf already told her "a million times" he'd marry her... so all I am asking her to give up, is the requirement that he be ecstatic about it. For a lifetime with the man that she loves and trusts, in my opinion, that's a bargain.

 

Are there others out there she'd be equally compatible with, who also share her goal of jumping for joy at the prospect of marriage? Probably, but it will take some time to find them, and there is a risk that she won't. Good relationships are not easy to come by, and she's been with this guy for 12 years and will likely need some time to grieve.

 

If everything else is truly great, if he is as committed to relationship as she says, and is willing to marry her if it's important to her; I just don't think it's worth it to leave, just because he's not as excited as she is. Provided that his "uncomfortableness" does not indicate some serious issue.

Consider how he snapped at her when she mentioned it casually. Are you certain he's not going to bolt when dragged to the altar?

 

Something's not right in Kansas.

 

People fear loss way too much, holding tightly to relationships that don't necessarily meet all their top priority needs. When top priority needs aren't met, resentment builds over time.

[KatZee]

The Problem

 

At the beginning I just assumed we'd get married eventually since he does everything else I've asked of him and I know he loves me.

 

THIS is the problem. NEVER assume ANYTHING. Especially something as life changing as marriage. Doing everything you ask of him, and wanting to be legally bound to someone else are games played in two entirely different ballparks.

 

If conversations were had where he specifically said, "I don't want to get married" you should never have stayed just assuming you'd fall into marriage. This is where so many women go wrong and make this mistake. They wait for years and years for something they want, and the guy will shrug and say, "Well, I TOLD YOU I didn't want to get married..."

 

we were lying together the other night having a tender moment and I said "so...we're getting married then" and was leading up to say "I suppose that means we're engaged" and just wanted to enjoy the moment with him, expecting him to smile and say "yes, I suppose we are"

 

You need to stop with this. A "tender" moment, isn't a moment where you continue to push and push and push with what you want, hoping for the N'th time that he's come around and will magically be on board with the idea of marriage. He doesn't want it. He's said it I don't know how many times. All of your comments to HIM are nothing but nagging, and pressure.

 

You don't want to be with a man in a marriage just because you pressured him half to death and he has no other choice BUT to marry you just to get you to be quiet. I don't mean to be harsh, but if he wanted marriage, you'd BE engaged. You wouldn't have to continue to come at him with "cute jokes" hinting marriage and engagement.

 

It's very clear he's fed up with this. If it's marriage you ultimately want, this guy won't be the person to give it to you. And that's sad because it's been almost a decade and I feel like you've been holding out and "waiting" for it to just evolve into marriage. It wont.

 

Him not wanting marriage doesn't have to do with the cost of a ring, or a big lavish party, nor does it have to do with "giving something back to you" just because you've been together for 10 years. He explicitly told you he did not want it. It was YOUR choice to disregard his words, it was YOUR choice to continue on in the relationship.

 

If this guy was "the best thing that ever happened to you" then I don't think this would be affecting you this much. I don't think your dreams of marriage will ever just go away. You will always want it. You will always want that official commitment, you will always feel envious/jealous of those getting married, and you will start to harbor a lot of resentment.

 

Staying with a man who won't give you want you want just because you're scared you won't find someone else isn't a reason to stay with a person.