Bought a house together; split up; but wants to fix house up together?

[danm]

A real messy one this is.

 

In short, we bought a house. She doesn't love me the same way any more and told me its over, but wants to remain just as friends and decorate/fix the house up for the next few months before we sell it and move on with our separate lives. I just cannot face living with her the same way. Still cooking dinner together, watching films together in the evenings but without the intimacy and having separate beds. We still hug and kiss eachother hi and bye style, but this is messing with my head.

 

People can JUST remain friends, but it is a mind screwer. When she starts the dating game again, which I know she will because she is extremely likable, it is going to get painful.

 

What the heck can I do? Shall I just say no, we need to sell NOW.

 

But then I know we will have three months of real closeness. Anything could rekindle, right? I guess I am lucky in one sense... except that everywhere I read advises to keep distance and create the sense that she misses me; as opposed to me helping her out casually.

 

I am in such a mess.

 

 

Background:

(I'm the male telling the story). Both 26. Known each other since high school (aged 11) but nothing ever happened. Met up on a reunion night out with various old school friends when I was coming to the end of a 4 year relationship aged aged 24.

 

This girl was a childhood sweetheart. She also liked me but neither of us ever made anything of it.

 

On the night we hooked up, she made all the moves. She knew I was unhappy in my current relationship, and I was reluctant to respond to her advances from the start. I wasn't ready for another relationship when the one I was in hadn't ended properly. But I responded, and we had real deep chemistry.

 

The last time I saw this old ex in question we were together. It ended over several weeks with dying phone calls whilst I was setting up with my childhood sweetheart. I haven't seen her again to this day. I don't miss her at all because she was partly accountable for me having to repeat two years extra studies from failing and I wasted a lot of time and money. I resent her hugely.

 

So I basically jumped immediately from one girl to another, without any form of closure. I was angry and upset, but had no means to vent it out. Because of this, I perhaps only gave her 60% of my heart. The other 40% split between trust issues and hate and lack of vented closure from my ex.

 

The new girl is the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything about her is wonderful. She looks pretty; she has a lovely family; she is kind and considerate; she wants a real secure future with really old fashioned values that I warm to a LOT; and she makes me laugh all the time. She is exceptional.

 

The relationship progressed FAST. Because I knew of her during my adolescent years, we sort of skipped the whole 'getting to know you' stage of dating. It just happened that way, and things were comfy quickly because of it.

 

I now see this as a huge negative aspect. We overlooked things about each other that we were not the same people as we were at school. She wasn't innocent; and I was deeply battle scarred with trust issues by other girls.

 

Within 9 months we had BOUGHT a house together. That's how quickly we went.

 

To be brutally honest, I have been a terrible boyfriend. I have made her cry more times than I can remember.

 

I know that she has had her fair share of men during her university days. It really hurt me to think of the sweet girl I knew to be so promiscuous. It is selfish to think this way, but I feel upset for her as I can relate to the time wasted and spent on these dead-enders as I did.

 

Most of our arguments stem from either that; or the fact she is extremely organised and likes to take a controlling stake in many aspects of life. Basically, shes a bit of a bossy boots!

 

Because my ex ruled my life and made me live how she dictated, I resent being told what to do.

 

I'm not a confident guy because I was used to being whipped for 4 years, and this ruins it for her. She wants a confident guy to tell her what to do instead, because that will also put her in her place and help her be less bossy!

 

The final nail in the coffin came last week after a monster of an argument involving how she says I think she is a slut; that I didn't date her properly, and that I never care for her or take her out to spoil her. Truth is, I don't spoil her at all. I've been so wrapped up falling into a comfy 'married lifestyle' in the house we had together that I have lost the edge of being spontaneous and romantic. All we did was argue over petty things when she tries to do kind, innocent things for me that I saw as controlling. It is so stupid it is unreal. Things like putting my dinner in the microwave to heat up; going to bed at a set time she says because we both need a good nights sleep. Things that I can do without her/being told by her, but the fact she says it to me makes it feel that I am not in power and am instead following orders. If that makes sense. I feel like it is a chapter in my last relationship. She told me its over.

 

After the bust up, and the claim we were over, it ruined me. I had a serious revelation, sounds corny, but I did. The burden of anger over my ex was finally gone. I'd carried it 2 years into this relationship, and it had raised its ugly resentful head to a girl that didn't deserve it. Anything controlling that reminded me of my ex that she did I was moody and bitter to her for it.

 

But I don't feel it anymore now that I actually had someone I cared for about to walk out of my life. It woke me up in a very big way, everything has been put into context. This girl is amazingly special. She cares so much, and in such an innocent way I have wasted my time fighting against her when all she does is love me and wants to look after me.

 

We've slept in different beds/rooms following the argument. After the fight, a few days later we talked a lot. We agreed to try again, take things slow, work at it and to date properly. I told her the burden had gone, that I couldn't explain it, but mentally I was free to give 100% of my energy to her, as opposed the the 60% and holding back I did at the start.

 

A day after that, she visits her family and the next morning she wakes, calls me to come to her room and sits me down to say she can't go through with it.

 

She told me that she loves me, but not 'like that'. That I have hurt her too much; made her so deeply upset that she cannot trust me again because of it. That we are over, and there is no going back. Her family have been told we are over by her; she says she isn't coming on our summer holiday that has been booked and paid for long ago; and that she is already booked for a week with her mum and sisters during the time we were meant to go away. She has also told friends I won't be with her at her her friends wedding in the summer; and to change the room we booked for the night.

 

If you ask me, I have had this coming for a while. It seems too smoothly planned and executed. An argument doesn't usually have such militant actions so soon after, does it? This sounds final.

 

At the same time, she says the golden 'but I still want to be friends'. We share a fair few similar friends in our circles, it'd be hard to simply not see/hear from her.

 

On top of that, she says she isn't leaving right away. That she wants to stay and finish the house with me before we inevitably sell it. That's a good couple of months of repainting, repairing and the like.

 

What is more awkward is that whilst I am up here in the loft bedroom at 2am typing my life story to total strangers; shes asleep downstairs in our old room and will wake up to give me a hug and a kiss on the forehead/cheek when she heads off to work; complete with the sandwiches I made for her and her tummy full from the dinner we cooked together the evening before.

 

It is insanely surreal.

 

The part that kills me inside is that this girl is the one I have longed for. We are great when we are good; but my demons have ruined it.

 

But the saddest part of it all I think is that it has been a true case of right girl : wrong time.

 

Had things happened a few weeks/months later to get past the resent of the last girl, I would have entered this a clean man.

 

I wish this was fixable, but I think it is too clear she has and is already moving on with her plans.

 

But what do I do about the house situation? Is this a bad idea? Given the signs, I think she genuinely does want to remain friends and not get bitter. Her own family was torn apart by a bitter divorce. She doesn't want history repeating itself, hence the friendly finale.

 

I am am absolutely broken man. Devastated to the core. And it is all my fault.

Edited April 30, 2012 by danm

[danm]

Please ignore this and perhaps try the other one I wrote. It's hard keeping it condensed and have relevant info.

 

Sorry guys!

[Melbufama]

i say fix it up and try and sell it for more money, and go your separate ways?