conehead Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 He is 35, he has very little money in his bank account because it's mostly been spent on his house and car. He went back to school 3 years ago and just graduated a year ago. He has only been working for the past year and has very little money. He has always splurged on me with food, gifts, flowers during the past 6 months we been together (and probably in financially irresponsible way). But for the past few weeks he has been telling me he's short on money and is broke and is worried about having enough money to go to one of his best friends wedding in Hong Kong (he will be there for 2 weeks and got to pay for flight and hotel and so will be super expensive). I thought about offering to lend him money but I do not want him to start depending on me for money so I opted out. But today he texted me if he can borrow $1,500. I was a bit offended he asked me via text (probably because he feels ashamed). Nonetheless I called him up and told him I will give him the money no problem and he can pay me back whenever but I told him that I do need someone who is financially secure and knows how to mange his own finances as it's important long term and in marriage. I have to admit I came off a bit too harsh and I really did lose a lot of respect that he'd just come to me so casually and ask me for money (I would think most guys would have too much pride to ask their gf for money?) as I figured he'd only ask me as a last resort. Turns out he didn't even try asking his brother/sister/parents first. He told me he asked me because I'm his gf and he felt comfortable with me. I fear I'd turn out to look like a fool or be used. I love this man but I'm sure that may be clouding my judgement. I've heard some people say that if a man asks a girl for money to quickly RUN away from the man as he is at worst a con artist and at best a loser. My bf said he is only short on cash now because he hasnt been working that long but that things will be better later. It's also really only a one-time thing that he needs so much money for his best friend's wedding but that normally he won't need all this money. I believe him, I trust him, but am I just blinded by love?
Author conehead Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 For those who read this and who have read my past few posts, perhaps my bf doesn't come off to be that great...but at the same time I've left out all the good things about him. He is for the most part very caring, sweet and understanding to me. He does pay for our meals/expenses 75% of the time and he's bought me an $800 gift for valentines day along with a dozen roses. He has splurged on me so I don't think he is using me. I did warn him that I do not want to be taken for granted.
Ellamay Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 YES you are! Oh my goodness, after 6 months you dont even really know a person. I dont know why youre bringing up the money he spent on you. He wasnt OBLIGATED to do that, he did it because he wanted to, and clearly because he knew he was going to get payback. So, if you lend him that money, he will basically have done nothing for you. If his friend is getting married in HONG KONG and expects him to attend, then they should be courteous enough to PAY FOR HIM and not put the responsibility on you. If not then he should respectfully decline. Beggars cannot be choosers. I dont think under any circumstances should you be lending a mere boyfriend (not husband) money, especially not for something so extravagant. A wedding youre not even invited to?? INSANE!! Once you lend him, the money he will probably ignore you. If I were you, I would make him sign a written contract so you can legally back yourself up if need be. If he is the type of man who will ask you for this amount of money after 6 months, it says a lot about his character and who he is.
Andy_K Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Only short on money because he hasn't been working long? No He's only short on money because he buys **** he can't afford and doesn't plan for the future. 7
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I wouldn't have lent him the money for a 2-week trip to Hong Kong. How will he pay it back when he is so skint? If his house was collapsing over him, I would help out but for some holiday? Even if it's a wedding. Going to the far east for 2 weeks is a luxury, it shouldn't be on someone's list who is working in some graduate job!
Author conehead Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Well he debated whether he should go to friend's wedding (reasons being it's expensive and will be hard taking vacation) for a long time but I did encourage him to go since it was his best friend...this was before I realized he was so broke.
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 It's still not your responsibility though. How long is long? Would he have had the time to save up for it? Why is his best friend holding a wedding so far from his home country?
Author conehead Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Long meaning a few months...but I never thought one of the reasons is that he was totally broke...it never occurred to me that he's been living paycheck to paycheck until the last few weeks when he starting saying he's worried he's got no money for the trip. I think he screwed up in planning the trip in accordance with his finances and that's why he's short $1500. His best friend moved to Hong Kong a few years ago and lives there now. It's not my responsibility, he was asking me for a favor. To me $1,500 is not that much money and I can do without it as I have lots of money in my bank account...my concern is...will a REAL MAN who loves his gf actually have the heart to ask her for money?? My fear is not with losing the $1500, its with what I think of my bf's character and whether he truly respects/loves/cares me.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Quite simply NO. It's too early on, it's a red flag that he asked. It would make so much more sense that he goes to his family or close friends. Also, keep in mind that being financially irresponsible is not something that changes easily. 2
Els Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 It's not my responsibility, he was asking me for a favor. To me $1,500 is not that much money and I can do without it as I have lots of money in my bank account...my concern is...will a REAL MAN who loves his gf actually have the heart to ask her for money?? My fear is not with losing the $1500, its with what I think of my bf's character and whether he truly respects/loves/cares me. I think you're extrapolating a little here. It really IS entirely possible that he asked you first because you're the closest person to him and the one that he turns to first when **** hits the fan. Not because he doesn't love you etc. That being said, needing to attend a wedding isn't really considered 'shiet hitting the fan' level of priority - he won't die if he doesn't go. That ALSO being said, if you kept encouraging him to go he might have taken it as a hint that you would be okay loaning him cash to go. If I were you, I'd do 3 things: 1) Nicely tell him you can't fork out that much 2) Stop making judgements about his character that aren't substantiated. It is valid to think that he is financially irresponsible and make your future decisions based on it, but I don't buy the 'a REAL man would rather die than ask his gf for help' mantra. 3) Pay for more than the 25% of expenses that you are currently paying for since clearly you're better off financially than he is. 3
Author conehead Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 I think you're extrapolating a little here. It really IS entirely possible that he asked you first because you're the closest person to him and the one that he turns to first when **** hits the fan. Not because he doesn't love you etc. That being said, needing to attend a wedding isn't really considered 'shiet hitting the fan' level of priority - he won't die if he doesn't go. That ALSO being said, if you kept encouraging him to go he might have taken it as a hint that you would be okay loaning him cash to go. If I were you, I'd do 3 things: 1) Nicely tell him you can't fork out that much 2) Stop making judgements about his character that aren't substantiated. It is valid to think that he is financially irresponsible and make your future decisions based on it, but I don't buy the 'a REAL man would rather die than ask his gf for help' mantra. 3) Pay for more than the 25% of expenses that you are currently paying for since clearly you're better off financially than he is. I can do 2) and 3) but as for 1), well he knows I have money. I don't have a reason to not be able to fork out the money except if I told him I don't trust that he will pay me back, which sounds awful to say. My gut feeling tells me he'd pay me back though...and that like he said he is asking me first for money because I'm his gf and the person he sees as the one to go to first. That being said, my gut feeling might be clouded by my love for him.
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 It's not my responsibility, he was asking me for a favor. To me $1,500 is not that much money and I can do without it as I have lots of money in my bank account...my concern is...will a REAL MAN who loves his gf actually have the heart to ask her for money?? My fear is not with losing the $1500, its with what I think of my bf's character and whether he truly respects/loves/cares me. Asking whether your boyfriend is a real man is a slippery slope. You are definitely losing respect for him. Even though financially this is not an issue for you, you expect your man to have the same sense of responsibility and level-headedness when it comes to money as you do. You have probably answered that question. He can still truly love and respect you, he just doesn't have the sort of character that you are after.
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) has he said when he'll pay you back, and what installments? idk, but i've been in your position, and paid for more and more over time til i paid for everything, i knew one girl whose boyf got angry and shouted at her when she him asked him to re-pay loans, they weren't living together when i read you post i get the impression that fear of dis-pleasing him and fear of not being paid back both play a part Edited April 24, 2012 by darkmoon
Andy_K Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 my concern is...will a REAL MAN who loves his gf actually have the heart to ask her for money?? Personally I think a real man wouldn't need to. Not a small sum like $1500 anyway. Whilst I'm only on approximately an average UK wage myself, I'd have no problem borrowing several thousand from the bank if I needed to. They're practically falling over themselves to try to sell me a loan every time I go in. This is because I'm responsible with my money, have savings, and a great credit rating. If your bf can't get $1500 from the bank, it's because he can't be trusted with it. In which case, you shouldn't give it to him either... 2
Ellamay Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 It's not my responsibility, he was asking me for a favor. To me $1,500 is not that much money and I can do without it as I have lots of money in my bank account...my concern is...will a REAL MAN who loves his gf actually have the heart to ask her for money?? My fear is not with losing the $1500, its with what I think of my bf's character and whether he truly respects/loves/cares me. WHY does your short term boyfriend of 6 months even KNOW your financial situation anyways!! Of course he went and blew all his money on you stupidly, he knew sugar mama has a big bank account and just cant say no because he has tricked u into thinking youre IN LOVE by spending his last dimes on you when he doesnt even have a pot to piss in. Everything about this situation is fishy, but thats all Im going to say. Why did you feel the need to tell him about your stash anyways?? and what would he do if you didnt have it? Youre far too trusting if you ask me
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Personally I think a real man wouldn't need to. Not a small sum like $1500 anyway. Whilst I'm only on approximately an average UK wage myself, I'd have no problem borrowing several thousand from the bank if I needed to. They're practically falling over themselves to try to sell me a loan every time I go in. This is because I'm responsible with my money, have savings, and a great credit rating. If your bf can't get $1500 from the bank, it's because he can't be trusted with it. In which case, you shouldn't give it to him either... Eh, maybe he just wants an interest free loan.
Els Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) I can do 2) and 3) but as for 1), well he knows I have money. I don't have a reason to not be able to fork out the money except if I told him I don't trust that he will pay me back, which sounds awful to say. My gut feeling tells me he'd pay me back though...and that like he said he is asking me first for money because I'm his gf and the person he sees as the one to go to first. That being said, my gut feeling might be clouded by my love for him. I think anyone is within their rights to turn down the request of a non-essential favour, without needing to explain much further. If he throws a huge fuss and accuses you for refusing the loan, THEN that says a lot about his (lack of) character. Whereas if he is a decent guy who is just asking, he will not probe further into his gf telling him nicely that she can't loan him that much (there are other reasons to not be able to do that other than current financial situation). It is not a lie, especially if you feel you would resent him if you were to give in. Tell him instead that you will help him save up by chipping in more for shared expenses, and suggest doing cheaper/free activities together more often. Edited April 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post 3
TaraMaiden Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) He is 35, he has very little money in his bank account because it's mostly been spent on his house and car. ....He has always splurged on me with food, gifts, flowers during the past 6 months we been together (and probably in financially irresponsible way). .... I believe him, I trust him, but am I just blinded by love? Call me stupid and shallow, but I'm picturing the both of you standing in front of Judge Judy with you insisting it was a loan, and his insisting it was a gift... This is purely business. this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're in a relatively new relationship. So: Write up a proper contract, give the full names of both parties, denoting how much you're lending him, the date, a definitive date by which you want the full sum back, the instalments, the amount of the instalments, the date on which the instalments must be paid - then date it, Both sign it and have it witnessed. open an account into which he must make all these payments. Keep all receipts and proof of all and any transnaction, and whatever money he gives you, make a note, keep a receipt and log and bank the money. THEN - lend him the money. When Judge Judy meets you both, she'll wipe the floor with him. Edited April 24, 2012 by TaraMaiden 2
Airborne Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Whaddya guys think? I think I might have to add you to the most underappreciated posters thread. 2
amantis Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I dont understand why are you so upset . If he was living with the parents and had no money , then you are suposed to worry, but he is living alone with bills . He did spend money with you , probably not in a responsible way , but still ... he likes you He asked you because he is confortable with you . You just have to say yes or no and if he loves you he must understand. Even if you have lots of money in the bank ( good for you ) you can say no to him and he have to understand .
soserious1 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 This is a committed relationship with a man you say has been generous & shared with you? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/323295-fiance-owes-me-money-need-some-perspective The male poster there is being roasted for daring to question why his gal hasn't repaid her half of loans the couple has accumulated According to many of the women in that thread you are selfish & uncaring to even consider your money to be your own, you are in a relationship, it's supposed to be "our money" 3
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 According to many of the women in that thread you are selfish & uncaring to even consider your money to be your own, you are in a relationship, it's supposed to be "our money" Good, isn't it? It's funny how those that want to share tend to be the ones that earn less. I wonder why. 3
Highness Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 You're asking because you dont feel comfortable about it. As someone else said watch a few eps of Judge Judy and you"ll see how it will play out. My bf earns about a third of what I do and he struggles. I have helped him out on a few occasions with the knowledge he will never be able to fully pay me back. He accepts my help because he needs it, but i always offer first, and with the understanding that I give what I can afford. Its a different kind of person who will accept a loan and promise to pay you back knowing they never will. Which kind of person is your bf?
soserious1 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 OP, Let me give you my advice in a serious manner now. I've loaned money many times before to friends, family, romantic partners, for amounts under $500 I usually just give it, all sorts of things can come up that would leave a person short of actual cash. In most cases I've been repaid in under 2 weeks. When I make a loan of this type I internally consider the money a gift so I won't be upset if I don't get repaid. I also consider a loan of this type to be an excellent test of character, the few people who have jerked me around or stiffed me over repayment basically sold themselves cheap. You don't pay me back? you lie to me, you avoid me? I cut you out of my life as you've shown you cannot be trusted. I consider a loss of this type to actually be of great benefit to me because such people, if allowed to remain in your inner circle will almost always do you far greater damage in a myriad of ways down the road. loans greater than $500? I've given many but require a written agreement that spells out repayment & interest terms (if any) I also require that the agreement be notarized if it's under 5K, if over 5K the agreement needs to be drawn up by a lawyer should I need to resort to the courts to collect my funds. 1
zengirl Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I've lent many BFs money, actually (I'm a squirrel with it, so I always have money on-hand; most of the men I've dated have made more money than me but aren't strong savers), and always gotten it back. But I trusted them to get it back to me. If you trust your BF with that, lend the money. Some people may need to talk about when & how for repayment -- depends on how much money it is to you and your style -- so ask those questions if you care, don't bury it. If you don't trust your BF with that, or just don't feel comfortable loaning that amount of money, don't lend it. Anyone decent will understand that as well. Really, it's got to be your choice. Nothing wrong with asking, IMO, but something wrong with getting upset if you say No. 1
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