Can a cheater get a second chance at love?

[K3legit]

How do I proceed to win my ex gf back after i cheated, and after we broke up proceeded to show needy and desperate moves?

 

I was in a relationship for 2 yrs, we were high school sweethearts, i also i made the mistake of being drunk at a party and kissed a girl. I told her some odd number of months in your second year of dating. She recently broke up with

Me as of two weeks ago and also she gave me my stuff back (clothes). The first week after the breakup i made a few desperate moves.

One: i texted her a few times after she said Ishe needed time to think about out friendship

Two: she deleted me off facebook after i made some sad posts on her wall

Three: I confronted her at school and she saw me with my saddest look of desperation and i proceeded to try to Plead for another chance!

At that moment she said "we will never have a relationship and our friendship was a maybe with no guarentees"

And as of last week because i persistantly tried to communicate my love for her, left her letters at her house but then i broke the no contact and told her that i wrote her a letter, she said that" i dont care what you write or say leave me the F*** alone, and then after that i did. But i recently did text her again and being aware that she would be angry she said if i dont leave her alone she was " going to file a restraining order"! Now i feel im in the phase of the breakup where i have annoyed her to the point of no return. Its been almost a week of true NC but i annoyed her the first two weeks of our breakup. What is the best course of action that i should take to either win her back or give her enough time so that i can wait for her to return. And honestly she is a proud type of girl who always wants to be right when we argue and kind of prideful!

[TaraMaiden]

Leave her alone.

she's made it perfectly, abundantly and irrevocably clear that you are history.

You are an ex.

you are no longer of any significance to her.

she has ended it, it's over and you must let it drop.

 

please don't blame booze for the fact that you cheated on her.

If you act stupid when you drink - then don't drink.

You obviously cannot control your impulses when you're under the influence of alcohol.

funnily enough, I created a thread exactly about this, only a couple of days ago...

 

And take her threat of her getting a restraining order on you, very seriously.

She will do it - and it will interfere with your life, big time if she does, so just back off.

in big steps.

 

You messed up.

Learn from the experience, man up, and go on with your life.

She has every intention of doing the same with hers, so do the mature thing and let it drop.

[mrz]

well break ups are not easy!!!! i separated with my wife 4 months ago, we been married for 3 and together for 6 years. so i know how you feel.

 

Anyways, your previous actions showed her that you are week and needy, desperate etc.

Well hit a gym, change your style, pick up some new chick(s), show her that you moved on(even if you didnt). Show no interest in contacting her or talking about her, but when you see her be polite say hi and go away.

So if she don't call you after,you will have a new girl, feel good abt ur self etc.

[Dark Phoenix]

He's a "KID" that made a mistake

 

As for advice, just focus on you, forgive yourself, and try to put your best foot forward in the future

[Pens55]

So here's a question that hit me while reading this...

 

General consensus on these boards say "do not take them back without an 'Im sorry, biggest mistake of my life, how can I fix this" statement. And many people here (even myself included at times, want this to happen).

 

Now granted, OP messed up, and then pleaded out of desperation, but I think he cares about this girl and "would do anything" to get her back.

 

Tara, not trying to pick on your response, but telling him to just give up and get out of her life seems a bit harsh. I get where your coming from, but since half of this board is waiting for someone who dumped them to truely feel remorse and try to win them back, shouldnt we be nudging someone like this to take time to assess his actions, learn from them, grow and then make a sincere attempt to express his desire for a second chance and admit his wrongs?

 

Dont get me wrong, I get PO'd when I read about cheating, etc. just like everyone else. But I think we tend to villify them a bit, projecting our feelings for our exes on them.

[ThatDudeXO]

Cheaters can get second chances only if the other grants it. In my first relationship, I cheated - she cried her eyes out and took me back because I wouldn't ever do it again and I didn't. She cheated but I saw it as an emotional break down from her side and took her back. After both instance our relationship grew stronger because we both wanted each other.

 

That being said, I think you need to keep with NC and leave them alone for a while. If it's meant to be and she does forgive you, she will come around in time but if it isn't meant to be, then just learn from your mistakes.

[TaraMaiden]

Now granted, OP messed up, and then pleaded out of desperation, but I think he cares about this girl and "would do anything" to get her back.

 

Tara, not trying to pick on your response, but (...) shouldnt we be nudging someone like this to take time to assess his actions, learn from them, grow and then make a sincere attempt to express his desire for a second chance and admit his wrongs?

 

Dont get me wrong, I get PO'd when I read about cheating, etc. just like everyone else. But I think we tend to villify them a bit, projecting our feelings for our exes on them.

 

Yes that's a valid point, but i think in this case it would be extremely foolish of the OP to keep hammering the point....

 

H....and after we broke up proceeded to show needy and desperate moves?

 

....She recently broke up with Me as of two weeks ago and also she gave me my stuff back (clothes). The first week after the breakup i made a few desperate moves.

......she deleted me off facebook after i made some sad posts on her wall

....

At that moment she said "we will never have a relationship and our friendship was a maybe with no guarentees"

... i persistantly tried to communicate my love for her, left her letters at her house but then i broke the no contact and told her that i wrote her a letter, she said that" i dont care what you write or say leave me the F*** alone, .....But i recently did text her again and ...... she said if i dont leave her alone she was " going to file a restraining order"! ..... i annoyed her the first two weeks of our breakup....

 

Really... you feel with these kinds of responses this guy has a hope in hell's chance?

You think he should venture to push this?

 

Seriously?

 

Where do you see that her attitude and responses have given him even the remotest chink of hope?

[Pens55]

Tara, youre right about her saying what she did at the moment. And true, he has no chance in hell right now.

 

But, Im sure a lot of people have been absolutely DESPISED by their exes shortly after the relationship ended, only to have these feelings softened/reversed down the road. Its just the course of things a lot of the time.

 

I'm not saying he should keep begging and pleading now. For now, it is best for him to admit he is in no shape to be in a relationship. He needs to analyze why he did what he did, go through all the feelings of remorse (if he does reach that point), work to better himself and THEN, if he still has feelings, move to reconcile sincerely.

 

Sorry, I probably didnt word my response as well as I could have. Just saying if she truely is the one he wants to be with, there are steps LONG TERM, that may allow it to work. Even though he wronged her, time often heals wounds, so I dont know that her current mindset will stay over the long haul. It may, we really dont know.

 

While I am totally opposed to cheating and think its an awful thing to do, he is young and can mature. I just hate to see the 'get away from her forever' advice be taken if he really feels he can change. I do get where youre coming from, believing she deserves someone who wont cheat on her - I am just basing my assumption on trying to believe some people can change, but thats why Im in such a crappy situation

[PoppyLove89]

Take it from someone who's first 'proper' boyfriend cheated on her; even if you do win her back, chances are she will never look at you the way she did before.

 

I was with this particular boyfriend for 3 years following his 'slip-up' and despite his promising me that he'd 'never do it again' and that he 'didn't know what he was doing', I ended up distancing myself from him because he hurt me so much.

 

I guess you could say I fell out of love with him because my idea of him changed. He turned out to be nothing like the person I thought he was; not the person I fell in love with, in my mind. I grew to despise him. I wanted to love him as much as he loved me. He went above and beyond to make me happy but I just couldn't muster up the same feelings I once had.

 

Things eventually got so bad between us that I couldn't even have intimate relations with him anymore because my body would physically reject him without me controlling it: in that, if he put his hand on my leg, my leg would flinch and I'd cringe inside. I was disgusted by him and couldn't get those images out of my head. I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted to make it work; we'd been together for so long after all but time just made me distance myself to the point until I just left him completely. And he was left devastated.

 

Looking back, I shouldn't have stayed with him as long as I did; for his sake as well as mine.

 

By all means, try and win your girlfriend back, but even if she wants it, there's no guarantee your relationship will ever be the same - and it's likely that the lack of trust will end up chipping away at your relationship too until it falls apart.

[Pens55]

Very good point Poppy.

 

It seems that some people get over certain wrongdoings, while others dont. Not saying that either way is right/wrong/good/bad...just maybe different personalities, values, etc. affect the outcome. That would be an interesting scientific study...

 

But Poppy, if I may ask - did you feel that his remorse was sincere? And if you could choose to not have the reaction you did, do you feel it could have worked because he had made positive changes? Sorry, dont want to pry, I just really find it interesting how varied opinions can be on reconciliation after situations like this.

[PoppyLove89]

Pens55:

 

Well yes, I do feel my ex was sincere in his remorse; we spent countless nights with me on the edge of leaving and him crying his eyes out (he wasn't usually an emotional guy, a real mans-man so I know he was genuinely distraught).

 

Like I said, I didn't want to feel sick whenever he tried to touch me, even something as innocent as putting his hand on my leg. I wanted to make the relationship work...he was my first 'proper' boyfriend and I loved what we had together. He was always there for me, even when we were on an 'off' period after I'd dumped him again. I knew the right thing was to break-up and stay apart but whenever I ended things, I found myself missing him and our old relationship; because he was still madly in love with me, subsequently he always took me back - something which I now regret. It wasn't fair on him. I recently spoke to him actually (in November of last year, exactly a year after we last saw each other) and he told me he still hasn't been able to settle with anyone else...I meanwhile had already been involved with someone else for a year and already broken-up; feeling more devastation after that new relationship ending than after my 3 and a half years with him.

 

The funny thing is, the disgust didn't come along full-pelt after it first happened, it grew and developed as the time went on. Eventually I found myself noticing the attention I got off other guys and soon I started flirting back. It was then that I realised the relationship had to end for good because I wasn't committed to him anymore. I don't blame him for our relationship failing, ultimately it was only his actions that led to my feelings changing and I made my own mistakes by dragging things out; believing and willing my feelings to revert back to normal when in fact, they had died a long time ago.

 

Of course some couples can get back on track, perhaps my love was never love at all (I was only aged 17-20 when I dated him), mere puppy love. It's really down to the individual couple and their situation/history

[LasVegasGuy]

Of course cheaters get 2nd chances, heck, I would say that a cheater has a better chance at getting back with there ex, than a guy who walked a 1000 miles to bring a girl flowers. SERIOUSLY!!