fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Some of you read and participated in my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/321746-my-relationship-exploded-last-night Thank you very much. Here's what's going on.... So Wednesday it was because she txted me, I didn't see it, therefore I didn't go walk her across the street to my house. I won't elaborate, it was in the thread. Friday I was taking her out dancing. Well, my mom also happened to need a ride, so I was going to drive my mom and drop her off, then go dancing. It was on the way, my mom and my GF get along great, no problem! Well, except I didn't think that it'd be better to use my GF's sedan instead of my truck. So when I called her after I had arrived at her house to pick her up, I asked if I could drive her car instead. Well, that was unacceptable because I should have told her earlier that I wanted to use her car. We did use her car, but she did the usual thing, got mad. But this time, I didn't get upset at her for getting upset at me over some trivial things. I kept it cool, I was entertaining and loving, and I even made her smile when we were dancing. But afterwards when we went to get a late night bite to eat, she made herself angry again. I apologized, and I still wasn't upset. But still it wasn't resolved until the next morning, where we almost broke up again, and I was ready to walk out. Then Sunday. She suggested that we go to my old stomping ground to go dancing. Maybe she felt bad that she almost ruined Friday dancing, I don't know. So we went. Well, I met my buddies there that I haven't seen for awhile, and I ended up drinking and getting tipsy. She drove, so it was no big deal, but the original plan was she would drive me to my house, then we would both drive to her house... I drove separately because I had band practice. So I couldn't drive to her house. I apologized, I didn't expect to drink, and I told her I'll spend an extra night at her place this week. Well, she's still pissed off at me now, it's Monday night. This won't be resolved until we get into another fight tomorrow or Wednesday. She's giving me the cold shoulder as punishment right now. So I think this is it. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, but not to fight about this Sunday night getting tipsy thing, I'm going to break up with her. I guess these could be annoyances from her perspective, I'm nowhere near perfect. I'm a laid back person. The pros are I'm easy to get along with, you can screw up and I won't even care... unless it's a big screw up. But the cons are these type of things... I don't pay attention not because I don't care, but because these things won't bother me if I were in her shoes. But she always escalates these annoyances and punishes. One of my good friends said maybe because it's about the marriage issue. When we first started, we both said... no marriage, is that okay? Great, we are both in agreement. Well, somewhere during the relationship, she changed her mind and now wants marriage. So maybe it's resentment growing out of the fact that I don't want to get married, but she can't really point finger at me, because she was the one that changed her mind. I have another theory. During an earlier fight, I questioned her if I was the right boyfriend for her. I think that put doubt in her mind that I'm going to walk away. So maybe she's driving me away because she's afraid that I'll walk away when she's unprepared for me to walk away. Either way, theories aside, I feel like I've been walking on eggshells, and I'm screwing up left and right, and I'm unhappy, and I cringe when I get a txt from her, and I feel relieved when I go to the gym or some place where she's not at. That's bad. This is not going to work. That's too bad, without these conflicts, she's actually very awesome.
DontWorryBHappy Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) I agree that you need to break up. The funny thing is, the girl kinda reminds me of myself when I'm in relationships. I found myself very anxious, getting mad at stupid things, etc. In my case, for whatever reason I'm a super anxious person in relationships. It's as if I try to find fault in them... it's odd. But outside of relationships I'm pretty chill and easy to get along with. I'm not quite sure why that is... Maybe I just have a huge problem with tying emotions into something that I can't control (as in, tying my emotions into another person that I cannot control). So that person might hurt me, might change or lose interest, might cheat on me, might break up out of the blue.... anything. So I'd be on guard, watching to see if it would fall apart, which included making sure that no "wrongdoing" was missed by me... because I thought I was protecting myself. So, I am currently single with no plans to enter into another relationship anytime soon if ever. I don't know if I just need to find myself, or maybe I'm just **** at relationships. I will say that growing up, my mom always found fault with most anything my dad would do... and I witnessed that. Maybe that attitude rubbed off on me or something. Either way, regardless of WHY your girlfriend is treating you this way, you should not be treated this way. You should walk away, and she should realize that it's for the best. I mean, she has to know that she's been way more angry with you for a while than happy. Good luck. Edited April 17, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
january2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 My money is on the marriage issue and your laid-back attitude. She might take the first one as you not loving her enough and the second one as you not caring about her enough. And thus she feels resentment and is picking fights - probably because she doesn't know any other way to bring up these issues so that you can both work on them. Doesn't sound like either of you two are happy in this relationship anymore. And if you're avoiding her, that's the death knell. 4
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Yeah. I have my faults too, which I hope I learned my lesson, for next time. For one thing, I need to be more proactive in taking the lead in the relationship. I got too comfortable. But... we are too different. I don't see this working out... She really is an awesome woman, but I'm not the right man for her.
Emilia Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 You are not right for eachother. I think when a man gets too comfortable too early it annoys me a little too, not because I think he doesn't care but because I know the relationship can get stale faster that way. When you experience that once, you want to avoid that in the future. However, the occasional fight is different from constant bickering and I can't stand the emotional drain of dating someone who picks arguments over the smallest thing. I think breaking up is the right thing to do. I hope it doesn't put you off relationships though.
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I'm tired. Really tired. I'm going to be off relationships for a long time. But eventually I'll be back, and I'll try again.
Emilia Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I'm tired. Really tired. I'm going to be off relationships for a long time. But eventually I'll be back, and I'll try again. Hopefully you will feel different when this is over and you had a little time off. You will be much better off long term if you go through the learning process now and work out who is compatible with you than leaving it to the time when you are older. Look at the older bitter guys on this forum who are defensive, petulant and don't get women. You don't want to end up like that, trust me.
zengirl Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Yeah. I have my faults too, which I hope I learned my lesson, for next time. For one thing, I need to be more proactive in taking the lead in the relationship. I got too comfortable. But... we are too different. I don't see this working out... She really is an awesome woman, but I'm not the right man for her. That's a good perspective. A lot of times when Rs don't work out, it's no one's clear "fault." It's just incompatibility. Happens. I agree that it sounds like this R is winding down. Hopefully you had a good run, and you can have a good recovery, and you can say you achieved some of the growth you wanted for yourself. Not every R is meant to last, and that's perfectly okay.
veggirl Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 She sounds very, very difficult to get along with. There seems to be no leeway here, her way or the highway. I think you're doing the right thing.
sid3 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 You know how I feel about plan B You'll be more than alright, I'm sure!
dasein Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 She likely wants to break up too. People change their minds, so can't fault her for the marriage thing. It's even possible that she is misinterpreting your kindness and not wanting to engage as weakness or not caring enough. Better luck with the next one.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I doubt its a marriage thing your girl just sounds like she needs constant reassurance in a relationship. Not only that but her constant hissy fits are her outlet at your behaviour. She expects you to read her mind and suck up to her from time to time. I can see how tiring this can be I'm guilty of acting like this with my bf. I think the mature way to go about things is to have a talk with her. Apparently the way you both do things just doesn't mesh wellm. If this was a relstionship worth saving you would call her out on it and set some ground rules.
Imajerk17 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I don't know man. The lashing out and whatnot might represent underlying frustrations and it's understandable if she did change her mind about relationships, but part of being an adult is bringing these up maturely. She isn't doing this. Time to have the break-up talk.
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 You will be much better off long term if you go through the learning process now and work out who is compatible with you than leaving it to the time when you are older. Look at the older bitter guys on this forum who are defensive, petulant and don't get women. You don't want to end up like that, trust me. I'm trying. I'm already "older" haha. I don't want the other stuff you mentioned. I have a lot more dating experience than relationship experience. I tend to stay single and well, do single things. And I think relationships are more difficult anyway. I'm learning. That's a good perspective. A lot of times when Rs don't work out, it's no one's clear "fault." It's just incompatibility. Happens. I agree that it sounds like this R is winding down. Hopefully you had a good run, and you can have a good recovery, and you can say you achieved some of the growth you wanted for yourself. Not every R is meant to last, and that's perfectly okay. Thanks. Breaks ups are rarely one sided. What I learned from my last relationship was that I didn't try, I just walked away from conflicts. Well, I feel like I tried this time. But what I learned from this relationship is don't get comfortable, and I have to take the lead. I also learned another type of women I shouldn't date. She sounds very, very difficult to get along with. There seems to be no leeway here, her way or the highway. I think you're doing the right thing. Anyone with a zero tolerance policy for their partner I'd imagine would be very difficult to get along with. I certainly can't do it. I'm a laid back guy, so I have no zero tolerance policy for anyone. I'm independent, so all the awesome things she does for me, and really, she goes above and beyond, are greatly appreciated, but are not necessities to me. So they simply do not serve as bargaining chips, where I can see maybe some other men would want it so much that they'd be willing to put up with the zero tolerance policy. Outta curiosity, how old are you guys? I'm 40, she's 44. Hey, we're both packing baggage. It's not easy. You know how I feel about plan B Hahah! You know, this thing is bugging me so much I don't even want to look at women right now. I just want to shave my head, get on steroids, and go live in the gym (no steroids, it's not as evil as people think, but I'm not going there). I think once I feel better I'll get started on Plan B. She likely wants to break up too. I think she unconsciously wants to break up. I don't know what the reason is, maybe the marriage issue, maybe something else. But she's pushing me away with this picking fights behavior, and her unconscious is telling her to do it.
Radu Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Reading your thread i had the impression you 2 were in your late 20's. She is 44 and acting this way ?????
Star Gazer Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 You gave a lot of detail but didn't say anything about what happened to anger her when you went for a post-dancing bite to eat. Can you explain? Overall, I completely agree with January.
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I doubt its a marriage thing your girl just sounds like she needs constant reassurance in a relationship. Not only that but her constant hissy fits are her outlet at your behaviour. She expects you to read her mind and suck up to her from time to time. I can see how tiring this can be I'm guilty of acting like this with my bf. I think the mature way to go about things is to have a talk with her. Apparently the way you both do things just doesn't mesh wellm. If this was a relstionship worth saving you would call her out on it and set some ground rules. This is a possibility too. And I tried to talk to her. Maybe I tried at the wrong time.... when we were fighting about me missing her txt message. She's a very articulate woman. When I try to bring up points, she just dances around me and destroys me verbally, I don't mean rip me a new one, although she did that too the other day. I mean destroy as in I can't even mount a reasonable counter point, although I feel it in my gut. So she likes to be right, and with her verbal skills, she's right all the time. But I've learned a long time ago, being right gets you nothing in a relationship. Hence I would try a bit, then I'd give up, accept fault and just go for the apology, no matter what I really think. But then this is building up unresolved issues in me too. Then it's like sitting around and waiting for the cup to eventually get full, then I bail. Which also does not solve any problems. I don't expect you to read through pages of the previous thread. But the last big talk, I didn't get to resolve anything. I was trying to find out what exactly she was upset about. And when I zoom in on one issue, she would discount it, claims she understands mistakes happen, then jump to the second one. I zoom in on the second issue, and she'd jump back to the first one. We went round and round. So eventually I just gave up and let her scold me like a school boy. She talks down to people sometimes. And she let me have it that time. I see what you are saying, and it's making me feel guilty that I'm not still trying. Because I promised myself I would try harder this time. But I can't do it anymore. I'm tired. I don't know man. The lashing out and whatnot might represent underlying frustrations and it's understandable if she did change her mind about relationships, but part of being an adult is bringing these up maturely. She isn't doing this. Yeah, I don't know what's really bugging her that's making her do this. She told me I don't have enough relationship experience. I actually think as bad as I am, I have more than she does. She has zero tolerance policy, she always has to be right, these two things usually aren't conducive to a good relationship, because one creates conflicts, and one makes conflicts more difficult to resolve. The funny thing is, while during her tirades about what I did wrong, she would occasionally stop and say... "if I'm wrong tell me". I know better than to take the bait. That'd kick start a whole new firestorm, and she'd just verbally dance away from my counter point anyway. I just say, no, you're right. Reading your thread i had the impression you 2 were in your late 20's. She is 44 and acting this way ????? We both have baggage, we are two people that are already not balanced trying to make it work.
sid3 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Good luck FishT, I hope its as uneventful and painless as possible for both parties. I'll try and keep the bimbos occupied until you're ready, take your time:laugh:
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 You gave a lot of detail but didn't say anything about what happened to anger her when you went for a post-dancing bite to eat. Can you explain? Overall, I completely agree with January. It was the same issue... I didn't tell her ahead of time that I wanted to use her car because it'd be more comfortable for my mom to ride in. So I thought having a good time while dancing made things better. If I were her, after my mood got better, I'll forget about what was bugging me before and let it go. But she brought it back... she wasn't done with the issue. The thing is, I could have driven my truck if she was unhappy about it. My mom is pretty small, and she could fit in the small back seat in the cab. But my guess is the car wasn't the actual issue.
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Good luck FishT, I hope its as uneventful and painless as possible for both parties. I'll try and keep the bimbos occupied until you're ready, take your time:laugh: Haha, it's going to be painful. All I ask for is uneventful. LOL, yeah, keep them entertained, make sure you tell them how well-connected I am. I'm counting on you bro.
Star Gazer Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 But my guess is the car wasn't the actual issue. You're probably right. Is there a reason you didn't ask her in advance, and kinda just expected to be able to use it once you got there?
Author fishtaco Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 You're probably right. Is there a reason you didn't ask her in advance, and kinda just expected to be able to use it once you got there? Because I didn't think about it. It didn't occur to me that using her car was a better option until I was already there and talking to her on the phone. But immediately I said, but I can drive my truck that's not a problem. But by then she was already mad. BTW, she was an hour late. It kinda messed up my mom's plans. I just apologized to my mom, I didn't make a big deal out of it.
Star Gazer Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I see. Yeah, a breakup is definitely in order.
Star Gazer Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 She has zero tolerance policy... In all fairness to her, this obviously isn't true. She would have broken up with you by now if she really had a zero tolerance policy.
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