When you like someone who is taken...

[Anela]

Love? riiiight. Ive heard this before. How can you be in love with someone you havent dated romantically? What can you love? You dont truly know them in a romantic sense...so I personally think you are in lust...not love.

 

Just my opinion though.

 

She did date him romantically. The girlfriend wanted an open relationship, at the time. Check Jane's previous threads.

[kaylan]

2 months is nothing....she needs to give this open relationship guy a rest and move on. This guy will not end well even if she ever does end up with him.

 

I just dont get the idea of real love from a 2 month relationship born out of open dating. How much do you truly know that person? eh...

 

Why compromise and hurt herself by sharing this dude with someone else? This will not end well at all.

 

P.S. - not surprised by his girlfriend sexually selfish open relationship. I havent met many bi women who are ok with their men seeing other women even though they want women themself. Meh. Run OP...this sounds like drama and the gf already doesnt like you.

 

Just back off.

Edited April 17, 2012 by kaylan

[Jane2011]

Whenever I find out an interest of mine has a significant other, I back off. Ill stay friends, but I wont do anything thats disrespectful to her relationship.

 

Well, that's what the thread is asking. If it's okay to stay friends, not if it's okay to actively try to sabotage a relationship. Some people are saying it's wrong to even just stay friends by occasional, monthly email a la "Hey, how's it going? How did you do on that paper you were worried about? Hope all is well. Bye."

 

Love? riiiight. Ive heard this before. How can you be in love with someone you havent dated romantically? What can you love? You dont truly know them in a romantic sense...so I personally think you are in lust...not love.

 

Just my opinion though.

 

Actually, I don't think you've read the thread. I've dated him romantically. (Mind you, anyway, I was using "I'm in love" in a more colloquial sense, not a literal one. But still, I have in fact dated the guy in a romantic way.) He's looked into my eyes and I into his. He's asked me to be his girlfriend, etc. I've even slept with him.

[kaylan]

Oh, I agree. I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I'm backing off, for the most part. What I'm asking about is...while I'm looking around for other men but still haven't found anything...can I speak to the guy every three weeks or month or so to keep him on my radar somehow?

No...back off for good and get over this guy. I dont think it will end well at all for you. This whole thing sounds too messy and you really need to cut bait for good.

 

What guy would want to date you while you check in on some dude your in love with?

 

Who wants to be used? Because unless you get over this current guy, youd only be using other dudes to fill a void.

[Jane2011]

I just dont get the idea of real love from a 2 month relationship born out of open dating. How much do you truly know that person? eh...

Run OP...this sounds like drama and the gf already doesnt like you.

 

Well, like I said, I use certain words and phrases in a girly way. An effusive, gushing "I'm in love with him!" doesn't necessarily mean I'm truly giving "true love" status to seven weeks of dating. "I'm crazy for him" is better.

 

The girlfriend and I were casual acquaintances / distant friends before. I do think she probably sees me as a rival now, though; you're right there.

[Jane2011]

No...back off for good and get over this guy. I dont think it will end well at all for you. This whole thing sounds too messy and you really need to cut bait for good.

 

What guy would want to date you while you check in on some dude your in love with?

 

Who wants to be used? Because unless you get over this current guy, youd only be using other dudes to fill a void.

 

I know what you're getting at, but you'd be surprised. I mentioned this before. I actually was "checking in" on a guy from the summer who I liked a lot when I first started dating the one I'm talking about now. The one I'm talking about now quickly made me forget the previous guy. That's the way it works sometimes.

 

People always talk about how you need to be fully over a previous person before new people have any shot at all with you. That's so not true. I'd say more than half (if not something like 80-90%) of my involvements have been gotten into with me semi-hung up on a guy from before, and me liking the new guy better soon enough and it all being just fine.

 

Just saying...

 

I mean, essentially, life doesn't work in these neat little packages where you're fully over one thing and "healthy" in your next thing. I'm not saying you should be back with a new person the day after a break up, or even a week after. But most people are still feeling something from a person before, to some degree, even when they date a new person. It's normal. As long as you eventually like the new person more (and it happens), it's all good. If that new person doesn't measure up somehow, people will say "it's because you're still hung up on the old person." Not so much. It's because that new person didn't do it for you.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Jane2011

[kaylan]

^But you said love...not like. Id advocate going on the rebound if you simply like a fellow...but I wouldnt advocate dating other people if you profess to loving this dude.

 

Thats just me though. Ive been strung along by a girl who was still in love with someone from her past. As soon as he showed back up in her life, it was problems for us.

[Jane2011]

^But you said love...not like. Id advocate going on the rebound if you simply like a fellow...but I wouldnt advocate dating other people if you profess to loving this dude.

 

Thats just me though. Ive been strung along by a girl who was still in love with someone from her past. As soon as he showed back up in her life, it was problems for us.

 

 

Well, I understand where you're coming from with that. I, too, so often hear of people who are dating people who are "hung up on an ex" and can't give themselves fully to the new person because they're hung up. It is common, and it's dreadful to hear about.

 

All I can say is that that person has never been me. I don't date guys while I want a different one. I could have dated four guys in the time from end of December to now, but I wasn't going to because I'd be thinking of the "ex" the whole while. The next guy I date...as in ongoing...will be someone I like more than the guy from before, or just as much.

[lino]

I guess this solves the discussion in this topic:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/321899-women-funny-you-start-dating-one-others-come-out-woodworks

 

 

I personally would never get involved with another guy's woman, not even if I really hated the bloke.

 

Besides, I believe that someone who cheats WITH you will also cheat ON you.

 

I'd also never get involved seriously with a girl who has a history of chasing taken men.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You're talking about liking someone who's taken and talking about wanting to re-engage in a polyamorous relationship with that guy AND his girlfriend. Those are two completely different things.

 

If you want to be part of a poly relationship with these two people, maybe you need to try to convince the girl.

 

But what I'm really hearing from you is that you're into the guy, and would put up with the girlfriend. That's probably not a good place to start for a successful poly relationship.

[Jane2011]

You're talking about liking someone who's taken and talking about wanting to re-engage in a polyamorous relationship with that guy AND his girlfriend. Those are two completely different things.

 

If you want to be part of a poly relationship with these two people, maybe you need to try to convince the girl.

 

But what I'm really hearing from you is that you're into the guy, and would put up with the girlfriend. That's probably not a good place to start for a successful poly relationship.

 

Yeah, I agree with you that she is the one who really needs convincing. (Although my saying I'd like to stay in touch with him was not about 'convincing' him of anything, just reminding him I exist, so that if/when she allows him to see other women, he might ask if he can see me).

 

As for her, I'm a little scared to talk to her. Even though she is a nice person, I also figure she must see me as something a rival right now if she's preferring he not see me. She's not going to take kindly to me being like "Are you sure?" or even just being chummy at all. He, on the other hand, likes me.

 

As far as me wanting him and just 'tolerating' her...honestly, no. That wasn't my attitude when I reconnected with him. And it isn't my attitude now. I want to be friends with her, I want to get to know her and be supportive of what she has with him. I want(ed) her to be happy that he has another woman who values him and for her to not feel threatened by that. Of course, at this point, because she does not want to give "being friends with me" a shot, I haven't developed that trust and liking/camaraderie with her. Hence, yes, there's a degree of just 'tolerating' at this point. But that wasn't my intention for the long-term. My intention was to get to where there's not just tolerating each other. Really evolved poly people get to that point.

 

I'm sort of a crazy person, lol, (by traditional people's standards), so these stated intentions are really true...

[Jane2011]

But what I'm really hearing from you is that you're into the guy, and would put up with the girlfriend. That's probably not a good place to start for a successful poly relationship.

 

But yes, the main thing I want is the guy. He's the one I would want a romantic relationship with. I'm not bisexual or even bi-curious. I don't want to be romantically or physically intimate with her in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

 

Wanting to be friends with her was in large part to make the situation comfortable, trusting, and without ill-will. But aside from that, it could have been a nice friendship, too. Being close friends with a same-sex person is very rewarding, in and of itself, too.

 

I had a vision, you see, of pleasantness and happiness all around.

 

But, alas, it shall not come to pass.

[goldengirl11]

 

Have to say that is SO like a few of my e-mails to the guy I was talking about. In fact I think that sort of contact even has made him take me for granted and probably knows deep down that it is just pretty much an excuse to make contact with him. Perhaps he thinks that he will get back in touch IF it doesn't work out with the gf. So yes he has ignored the last few attempts when had e-mailed the last 2-3 months. I don't have his mobile no anymore, which I deleted when was upset that he'd started the dating another girl (I gather just the one after he got back in touch then disappeared again). Of course now, I admit, I regret this, just out of comfort I suppose (even though I'm sure that I WOULDN'T text him), hence I guess it confirms that he has gone now, which know have to get used to. I also hate the fact that have started to self harm a bit again though. I've not had the guts to bring it up with my counsellor yet. But anyway, back to you!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Like I said, worst case and even crazy-case scenario (above). I like the guy, I'm not off my rocker about him. When I meet a man who is equal or better than him (in and of himself and also in terms of my attraction), I will fall in love with that man, believe me, just the same way it happened in the situation I described above. When I meet guys who are less attractive to me than he is, then I will remain hung up on him.

 

There's nothing unusual about that. That's the way it works for most people.

 

I think you give good advice, Ninja, but you also take women for being very, very vulnerable and weak most of the time. I think it's because you want to protect, and that's a good thing. But I'm just saying...we're not always as vulnerable as you think. Guys don't always "have their hooks in us" just because we like them a lot.

 

I look out for #1. As much as I would like to still have the guy I was with, I also daydream about a future with an as yet faceless guy who I will have as good a time with or better. Whichever comes first.

 

The reason I speak of women in that way that you perceive it is because I know the vulnerability that women can have towards men because I've inflicted it myself very deeply, I have It seen it through my own eyes, I've seen the strong woman with the impenetrable wall fall time and time again and do more than their share of things they said they would never do especially for a man, not with their level of pride/knowledge, regardless of their attributes and their own personal strengths they thought they had, the right man can melt all of that away easily...If I could only tell you how many women uttered the same words that are coming out of your mouth in the beginning It would sound like a broken record (It honestly makes me chuckle to myself in my mind, It's so typical). And that's why I even spend my time doing what I can to more or less educate women on things I know very well from experience and just from what I've seen and learned in life and romance.

 

But If you're thinking anything like them you've already got your mind made up, you think you're in complete control, clearly not in any danger and grossly underestimate the emotional attachment that you may have...In fact you're a big girl and capable of making your own decisions right? because you still have the ignorance of thinking you can control what you cannot.

 

You're speaking and acting out in a completely text book way in my eyes that I'm used to, and If I was this guy you would easily be my doormat.

 

You think you've got so much control and self-awareness, you think you know what you're getting yourself into...god, I remember now why it was so easy in a way, that inability to understand through lack of previous experience....It's a shame that women need to learn the hard way and can't really take advice to heart because their emotions outweigh their sense of knowing what they should do...my only hope for you is this guy really isn't as awesome as you say or at least think he is, because If he is at least to you then he'll blow you out of the water at the end of the day, and for what because you think that the next guy that comes along that is better than him you'll just leave for? are you kidding me?

 

You really think you're going to give some random guy another shot over this unhealthy yet addictive romance?

 

You really think some random guy is really going to size up to casanova? please, you'll shoot him down much quicker than getting to know him because in the back of your mind you'll think you got some thing better.

 

You don't get it now...but oh you'll get it later I guarantee you that.

 

You've got to understand the frustration from my perspective, It's like telling people driving down a two lane road that there's a pothole up ahead and so they stop, acknowledge what you're saying by looking you right in the eye...you go into detail of the size, the potential damage, and they nod with a confidence as If my worry is unwarranted and they say..

 

"Dont worry, i'll be fine...unlike the three cars ahead me that hit it I'm not in any danger because I'm not the typical driver, don't underestimate me, I have special training, In fact my driving is unorthodox in itself so I usually don't make the same mistakes or repeats patterns like others do, I'm much more self-aware and can tolerate what a average driver cannot"

 

Sure enough, they pound on the gas, full speed again and WHAM! right in the pothole...then you talk to the driver again..

 

Me: "What happened? I told you all about this pothole, warned you about the dangers and not to underestimate this thing...you said you had it under control"

 

Driver: "Well you see, I didn't know it was that deep...in fact I've driven over other pot holes quite easily and suffered no damage...unfortunately It looks like my hole front end is shot now, the tire slammed through the fender and I never seen anything like...you know, I thought I'd be able to swerve and miss it entirely but It appears that I could not...I'm not sure what happened, this never happens...wish I could've seen the potential danger but now I get it"

 

Me: "I know...I know, I tried to warn you but I guess there are just some things people need to learn, even though the three cars in front of them did the same exact thing...wish people didn't put themselves on a such a pedestal and think they could outwit everyone else...when in the end they just fooled themselves...but that seems to be the way it goes, otherwise you'd probably always think this could never have happened to you right?"

 

Driver: ::sobbing profusely and now the realization of what has happened has slammed into you like a truck and all those emotions come bleeding out of you::

 

So that's the last thing I have to say here....I could break it down to a science for you, but I'm not going to go that far..do what you need to do...hopefully you don't waste too much of your time with this guy in the end, It's not going to unfold nice and neat like you think it is with no skin off your back, It can take a very big chunk of you actually that you can never get back...hopefully you'll actually be that different girl and not test the waters....now that would be more impressive for me, rather than be the woman that thinks she has it under control and get burned, I've seen that far too many times. That's not strength, that's foolishness.

[goldengirl11]

I was going to add to my last post Jane but was too late to edit it, that you seem to be moving forward though in a good way. Best of luck!

[Jane2011]

Ninja,

 

Skimmed heavily. All of it is basically "you think you're in control but you're not. You think you're strong but you're not. I know women are vulnerable, and I know you're going to lose all sense of yourself and reality because your feelings for this man and men in general are out of control."

 

All I have to say is...keep your eye on me over the next few months, year, whatever.

 

I'll bet you all amounts this: I will be fine and safe and not emotionally torn apart.

 

Your paranoia and concern for me are interestingly crazy.

 

Did you not read my other posts about how I was hung up on a guy before I met the current/recent guy and still had no problem transitioning to the new guy?

 

Let's not argue. Like I said, I'm not gonna concede any notions that I'm on some uneven keel and going to lose all control over some guy.

 

lol...

 

Just simmer down. You react this way to so many female posts.

 

I have feelings about the guy, doesn't mean I'm crazy or have no reason.

 

I'll fall in love with a new guy again. I always do. Stop the paranoid worrying.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Also wanted to add...

 

I'm not typing out long, drawn-out posts on LS for myself. This has no consequence to me, I don't even know you or anyone else on here personally.

 

I just merely want to give people a full deck of cards so to speak and make you think about it, because ultimately the decision is yours, I hope that people make the best decision for themselves..not for likes, or attention or anyone else, when I'm giving advice I'm just speaking to you...that's all that matters to me. And I think If you were putting yourself first you wouldn't be making the decision you are making by trying to reconnect with this guy, but that's just my opinion...you can tell me I'm wrong but I think you deserve better than this.

[runner]

Women and men, when you like (or even feel in love with) a guy/girl who is taken (not married but just in an LTR), what is your stance as far as how much contact you can in good conscience have with that person?

 

Do you think it is "ho" behavior to still talk to the guy as a friend every three weeks or so? Or should one back off completely?

 

And guys, what's your stance toward women who are taken but who you really really really like? Sometimes people want to stay on the other person's radar, but what's your comfort level with it? Is it "all's fair in love and war" with you or do you think anything less than backing off completely is unconscionable?

 

Does "homewrecker" only apply if marriage and children is the case? Or does it also apply just to established couples?

 

Just want to get your thoughts. And it is personal, yes. I like a guy who is taken. I don't want to be a ho or a homewrecker. But honestly, I want to stay on his radar in a light, friendly way in case anything changes. Think it's wrong to do so?

 

i'm sort of in this position at the moment, so here's what i think

 

to put things in perspective this colleague of mine hasn't been with the bf too long, a few months i believe, and not living together so i would hardly consider myself a 'homewrecker'. but at the same time i don't believe in forcibly getting in between couples of any sort so i have absolutly no plans in making an actual move on her.

 

sigh. and here's the complex part ... the body language between us is undeniable; ie. chemistry galore.

 

regardless, i'm playing the cool detached gentleman and waiting for her to play her cards first. i'm sure she can tell i'm attracted to her; just as i can intuit that she digs my style ... if she lets me know most unambiguously that she's no longer with the other guy, game on. but until then, i'm not doing anything obvious.

 

for the moment, as we collaborate further, i'm just playing that cool sexy vibacious dude that pops into her mind as she's ****ing her "boyfriend"

 

and i'm fine with that as i continue to date others

[Jane2011]

Also, Ninja, it's not true that no future guy has any hope with me because he's going to "have to live up to" the guy I like now.

 

I've been dating a long time. You're not the only person in the world who has any experiences.

 

I know from experience that my attractions are unpredictable. I've liked men who in many ways could be considered "lesser" than the one from before. But I'll still be smitten because I'm just really attracted to the new guy. That's how it works for me.

 

Guys in the world have a chance with me. You think I've never said "I love him!" about a guy before? Of course I have. Then I love a new guy in about six months or a year.

 

Like I said, relax.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ninja,

 

Skimmed heavily. All of it is basically "you think you're in control but you're not. You think you're strong but you're not. I know women are vulnerable, and I know you're going to lose all sense of yourself and reality because your feelings for this man and men in general are out of control."

 

All I have to say is...keep your eye on me over the next few months, year, whatever.

 

I'll bet you all amounts this: I will be fine and safe and not emotionally torn apart.

 

Your paranoia and concern for me are interestingly crazy.

 

Did you not read my other posts about how I was hung up on a guy before I met the current/recent guy and still had no problem transitioning to the new guy?

 

Let's not argue. Like I said, I'm not gonna concede any notions that I'm on some uneven keel and going to lose all control over some guy.

 

lol...

 

Just simmer down. You react this way to so many female posts.

 

I have feelings about the guy, doesn't mean I'm crazy or have no reason.

 

I'll fall in love with a new guy again. I always do. Stop the paranoid worrying.

 

In all honestly I'll probably forget about this post in the future, I don't keep track of posts here unless they're like wham in my face...I speak out passionately, I'm just that way...I'm not paranoid or crazy about anything.

 

I could pretty much type out a post then move on and forget about it almost completely, I more often forget than remember...especially when it comes to who posted it.

 

Anyway, I've made the points I wanted to in the context of the post...so I'm good with that.

[Jane2011]

making the decision you are making by trying to reconnect with this guy, but that's just my opinion...you can tell me I'm wrong but I think you deserve better than this.

 

Mind you, I initially reconnected in order to try to get back together. That's a valid reason to reconnect with a person, to want to give things a new shot because one believes the problem from before has been remedied.

 

My original post in question was asking, now that I know we can't move forward as two people dating, was if it's okay for me to say hello to him once a month or so. I may or may not do that.

 

But the thing is, if you think doing so is going to doom me for life and ruin my prospects for the future, that's going a little overboard.

 

Holding a relationship that binds one to another requires a hell of a lot more than speaking once a month contained within a day.

 

It's not like I'm going to say "I don't need other men because I speak with ____ on the 28th of every month, and that's all I need."

 

LOL -- no freaking way. I need sex and daily relating. I'll need other men.

[Jane2011]

Have to say that is SO like a few of my e-mails to the guy I was talking about. In fact I think that sort of contact even has made him take me for granted and probably knows deep down that it is just pretty much an excuse to make contact with him. Perhaps he thinks that he will get back in touch IF it doesn't work out with the gf. So yes he has ignored the last few attempts when had e-mailed the last 2-3 months. I don't have his mobile no anymore, which I deleted when was upset that he'd started the dating another girl (I gather just the one after he got back in touch then disappeared again). Of course now, I admit, I regret this, just out of comfort I suppose (even though I'm sure that I WOULDN'T text him), hence I guess it confirms that he has gone now, which know have to get used to. I also hate the fact that have started to self harm a bit again though. I've not had the guts to bring it up with my counsellor yet. But anyway, back to you!

 

 

Yeah, I know. I probably won't contact him.

 

If he contacts me, that's good.

[Leigh 87]

Well, I understand where you're coming from, Leigh. But keep in mind that this is a girl who generally advocates open relationships. She herself is going to date other women other than her boyfriend. (She's bisexual) She has also, in the past, desired to date men other than her boyfriend. And be emotional with them. Like I said, I know where you're coming from. But I doubt even she herself thinks it's that big a deal that he hugged me and held me. She's a believer in having caring emotions for multiple people (or at least one person other than her boyfriend). Of course, she's jealous at the same time; therefore, she's conflicted.

 

 

Jane,

 

Sorry, I only just read a few other posts and realised it was that poly situation.

I, myself, have entertained thought of Poly. Big Love was a fave show of mine, I thought of myself as a person who would consider that situation, dating a mad with multiple wives.

 

To me, though, it is just about having varity in life in relationships, or not; to get super close to one person, or share everything about you that is deap with TWO people. To me and most people, they would feel their bond was MINIMIZED, with a poly situation.

In theory I TOTALLY brought it! I thought " I am young and attractive and love life, WHY the heck would I limit myself to one exual partner for years at a time? WHY not see guys folr a couple of months at a time casually, than move on and have variety! The very thought of ONE man sickened me! " how boring" I thought...

 

Poly also appealed to me WAY more than a monogomus, lasting relationship. THEN - I met my boyfriend! Who was ALSO in the SAME mind set as me. Being a typical guy, who was young, loves partying and hot women, he was thrilled when I told him my casual outlook on relationships! Not looking, don't fancy anything boring and serious, am open to anything though, and would like to both see other people from time to time, etc....

 

However, once we fell in love and found a very deap connection, I found that, if he HAD OF gone off with another girl, it would have minimized OUR relationship; due to our closness ( being best friends, hugging at night, spending most of our time together just being with each other all day every weekend and night..).... and our special dynamic we have........................

I could NEVER picture him being just as close with another women! People who CAN do such a thing, to me, are not the sort of people that ... can be truly, truly, deaply close, as close as possible, to their women ( PLURAL)

Being extrmely close, to the FULLEST extent, in my mind, means there is littel ROOM to carve out more emotional energy for another women! WHat, with your hobbies, interests, career aspirations, fitness, time to eat and sleep.... where is the TIME to form a deap love for more than one women?????!!!!!

 

HAve you experienced many great loves before? Your cute and attractive and intelligent, I have heard u say and know from your posting style and kindess to me. I am sure you have. What put you off? Did you not feel SO close to any of the men, that u could not fathom an open relationship?

 

I honestly considered a poly situation or open relationship, hence my posts on them - I do not think total monogomy is right for some men. hence why I give my boyfriend 3 somes as a present. Of course, he has to give me a present back to thank me. He does not need a 3 some, either, it is something he desires not needs, in order to be happy with me. Because sex is not the totality of our relationship.

 

 

It is a strange situation, but not that uncommon, ithappens all the time, I just think you should consider the added depth of a ONE MAN relationship first, lol:p

DO you not think it could be a tad more fulfilling, having ONE man who adores u and no other women?

[Jane2011]

At the same time, though, goldengirl, I've had light contact with other guys who I was "finished" with, and they all took it well. They didn't treat it with some smug attitude like "hahaha...she still likes me." Often, I'd text hello, they'd text something, then I don't text back. Or same thing with email. I make a point of not attempting to prolong things. So they know I'm truly just saying WHAT UP !!! lol...

 

But like I said, I don't know what I'll do. I generally err on the side of caution about these things, so if anything, I'd contact very little as opposed to too much or even just a reasonable amount.

[Leigh 87]

Man, I find it so interesting, the bond you have with ONE person, VS the type of bonds u can have with two women at once?!???? Utterly fascinating to me.

 

Perhaps people are just wired differently? After all, there are psychopaths out there, mnay bored inherently flawed. Aparently, as many as 1 - 5 out of 100 men are psychopaths, and have tendencies to be that way inclined.... Yikes!

 

Not to mention gays ad lesbians. Of course, wired differently in one way or another.

Maybe this man loves women this way, in much the same way he loves a women in a monogomus relationship? It is the way they love?