what do i do?

[xxoo]

Also I notice I don't have tgese problems in real life just in interpersonal relationship

 

Rephrased, you can avoid these problems, and avoid therapy, by avoiding interpersonal relationships.

 

Is that what you want to do? Or do you want to fix the problem so that you can enjoy normal, healthy interpersonal relationships?

 

It is like saying "it only hurts when I breathe". You need to breathe, so it's going to keep hurting until you address the root problem.

[xpaperxcutx]

I remember I used to cope with my issues by hiding behind a fake character of myself. I literally put on a front and it has helped me a lot when I hd social anxiety.

Right nnow the only thing I can do for both him and I is to give each other space. I had a long talk with my mgf last night. She. Told me I can be unreasonable from time to time and my recent fight with him is too much that I'm backing him into a corner. My gf said I should give him space let him digure things out and I focus on myself.

He did text me this morning to tell me he wished he could give me more of his time but I've been impatient to the point where I would lash out at him when he isn't as responsive as I want him to be. He did tell me he wanted to be with me still but there are things that need to be patiently dealt with like combating our respective work schedules.

So we're giving each other space. Im foing along now because I do need to do some reflective thinking about how to combat my insecurities. He's not breaking up with me

[westrock]

I really really hate therapy. I hate cbt. I've been through 6 therapists in 6 years.

Also I notice I don't have tgese problems in real life just in interpersonal relationship

Interpersonal relationships ARE real life.

 

What xpaperxcutz is saying makes sense in the context of how BPD manifests itself.

 

In defence of xpaperxcutx, highly functional people with BPD can often easily interact with others they meet in day to day life without feelings of anxiety and insecurity with the big exception of interacting in close relationships, especially romantic relationships. It's the close "interpersonal" relationships that trigger the two fears that a BPD person experiences (abandonment and suffucation/engulfment).

 

Here is some information from Downtown in another thread about this:

... high functioning BPDers are often capable of showing compassion, caring, and empathy. And they often are capable of sustaining that empathy indefinitely with business associates, casual friends, and total strangers.

 

None of those people are able to trigger the HF-BPDer's twin fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship to be abandoned and there is no intimacy to cause the frightening feeling of engulfment. Heaven help those folks, however, if they make the mistake of drawing close. Then they will pose a threat to both fears.

 

Even then, however, a high functioning BPDer will often show compassion, caring, and empathy to her close friends and loved ones. But she will be unable to sustain it due to her being emotionally unstable. When she is splitting the loved one "black," for example, she will have a total lack of empathy and compassion.

[zengirl]

I understand how BPD works. But seeing those relationships as outside of real life isn't helpful.

[westrock]

I understand how BPD works. But seeing those relationships as outside of real life isn't helpful.

I agree with you.

[Els]

PC, I say this with all kindness - have you ever considered that you might have a medical or mental condition that might be causing all this?

 

Honest to god, this isn't how most stable people function. I know we all have our flaws, our little idiosyncracies and neuroticisms, but your emotional state seems to be one soap opera after another. This really isn't the way life is meant to be lived.

 

Think. Did you notice any increase in how emotional you get during certain times of the month? Circumstances? After starting a particular type of BC?

[Kamille]

He did text me this morning to tell me he wished he could give me more of his time but I've been impatient to the point where I would lash out at him when he isn't as responsive as I want him to be. He did tell me he wanted to be with me still but there are things that need to be patiently dealt with like combating our respective work schedules.

So we're giving each other space. Im foing along now because I do need to do some reflective thinking about how to combat my insecurities. He's not breaking up with me

 

No wonder you lash out. You consistently tither between anger and passivity.

 

I don't understand how BDP works. But I find it frustrating, Paper, that you're doing it again: you're completely disempowering yourself and ignoring your own boundaries.

 

There's a balance to be found somewhere in between lashing out at him when he doesn't respond the way you want and retreating into "it's all my fault because I'm insecure."

 

You're insecure in part because you told him, repeatedly, that the lack of time you spend together is an issue for you and he's repeatedly dismissed that concern. That tells you something about him Paper. In your shoes, I'd feel his actions would be a cold shower. Instead of trying to convince him to spend more time with me, I would want to reign in my own emotional investment to make sure it matches his actions. Right now, he's done nothing to demonstrate he merits all this angst.

 

I'm simply not convinced he's boyfriend material. It doesn't mean he's wrong, or a bad guy, or anything. It just means you need to check yourself in.

Edited April 13, 2012 by Kamille

[zengirl]

Re: How BDP works

 

If the OP truly is BPD, she will have an immensely hard time dating anyone or posting any objective recollections about anything that occurs. That's how BPD works. No one with BPD is anything near a reliable narrator. I'm not sure if that's true of paper, honestly, or trying to insult her. It's just. . . that's the disease.

 

The hardest trait of people with BPD is they essentially don't have the object-permanence equivalent of emotions. When someone is not around, it is like that person doesn't care about them. Even if that person is not around for a good, logical, valid reason -- work, etc. When they are around, it is the greatest. When they are gone, everything is a problem. Rinse. Repeat.

[veggirl]

Has she actually been diagnosed BPD or is LS and herself diagnosing... ?

[Kamille]

Like Veggirl, I would love to know how the BDP diagnostic emerged.

 

The hardest trait of people with BPD is they essentially don't have the object-permanence equivalent of emotions. When someone is not around, it is like that person doesn't care about them. Even if that person is not around for a good, logical, valid reason -- work, etc. When they are around, it is the greatest. When they are gone, everything is a problem. Rinse. Repeat.

 

So it's like the other person becomes an object of projection for feelings of well-being? (Like well-being is exteriorized?)

 

Still, if, as Paper reported, they only manage to see each other once every week or two - and always at his behest, I can understand why this doesn't feel right to her. Where I disagree with her is on how she's approaching it. Instead of reigning in her attachment (or cutting her losses), she seems to be stuck in a game where she wants him to validate her needs as legitimate. Then, all he needs to do is hint that "no they're not" and she's stuck right back at square one (invalidating herself and turning to him to make her feel worthy.)

[zengirl]

Has she actually been diagnosed BPD or is LS and herself diagnosing... ?

 

I'm not sure. I thought she said she had it, but I'm not sure. People seem to be referring it as though she had said it. Maybe another thread? She has several about this guy. That's why I said IF. I really have no idea.

[westrock]

Has she actually been diagnosed BPD or is LS and herself diagnosing... ?

 

xpaperxcutx mentioned her BPD diagnosis in one of her other threads:

 

I don't think I've ever mentioned this but I used to be bipolar, or at least at one point, I was diagnosed with bPD and I was very prone to ups and downs. I think my emotional/ irrational outbursts occurred more out of habit. I tend to have a tendency to take people the wrong way and act out unexpectedly.

[zengirl]

xpaperxcutx mentioned her BPD diagnosis in one of her other threads:

 

With the ups and downs, I'm not sure if she means Borderline Personality Disoreder or Bipolar Disorder. The latter is a much easier fix, to be honest. (Not an easy one mind you, but BPD is a *huge* hardship.) A lot of people use the acronym BPD erroneously for Bipolar. Anyway, feels weird to speculate on someone's mental status on the internet this way. Suffice it to say I have literally no advice -- even as someone who has a lot of mental health training, let alone as just a lady on a message board -- for someone with BPD that I think would lead to a successful relationship. I wish I did. I'm sure it's not that hopeless, as there are many smarter than me, but a forum would not be the place for such a person to find any help. Bipolar? Now, that's a lot easier.

[zengirl]

So it's like the other person becomes an object of projection for feelings of well-being? (Like well-being is exteriorized?)

 

Yes, but 1000x that.

 

Still, if, as Paper reported, they only manage to see each other once every week or two - and always at his behest, I can understand why this doesn't feel right to her. Where I disagree with her is on how she's approaching it. Instead of reigning in her attachment (or cutting her losses), she seems to be stuck in a game where she wants him to validate her needs as legitimate. Then, all he needs to do is hint that "no they're not" and she's stuck right back at square one (invalidating herself and turning to him to make her feel worthy.)

 

Right. She doesn't really sound like someone with actual BPD (it is misdiagnosed sometimes or she could've meant something else) from that perspective.

 

She isn't really acting erratically. She's just clinging to it too hard (which is something people with BPD do, but they do it. . . differently and more severely IMO) -- the relationship not working isn't really her fault per se. It's just no good. Her actions aren't helping though.

 

Chicks with BPD are crack to a lot of guys, btw. They generally get into relationships ASAP and the relationships escalate heavily and much more quickly than this one. BPD girls can't handle anything but that fast escalation generally. (BPD can occur in men, but rarely does, and it looks a little different.)

Edited April 14, 2012 by zengirl