xpaperxcutx Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Somehow Mr. Baseball and I patched things up last Monday and over the course of the week, we've been communicating back and forth through phone and text. We finally saw each other yesterday because we both got off work early. He came to pick me up near my house, took me out to dinner ( we went dutch, he paid for dinner and I covered the tab) and then we headed back to his place to watch a movie. I know the premise of going back to someone's place will always be an indication of something sexual but he never pushed me. We just started making out and one thing led to another. Before anyone starts jumping down my throat again for acting so irrationally, I like to say that after last night, my feelings and my thoughts about him have changed significantly. We're both trying hard to be more compromising. I told him previously I'll work on my maturity level if he quit his need to criticize me for my behaviour. But nevertheless he will calmly call me out if I'm acting immature. Basically we were on our best behaviours last night especially during dinner, we just laughed and talked. There was no fighting or walking off. the whole date was natural. As for why we had sex so early on... like all sexual situations where hormones tend to run, it just happened. Only difference being, far from the first time when I had met him and critiqued that I wasn't particularly attracted to him, my feelings on that have done a complete 180 reversal. There was definitely sexual chemistry between us, even kissing was amazing. Now, again don't jump down my throat and accuse me of acting on my emotions. I'm the kind of person who needs to rely on sexual chemistry before getting serious. While we are not official, he did bring up the topic last night before we had sex. I had to turn him down because I told himw it was too early but I appreciated his honesty. I want feelings to develop before we take that step toward exclusivity and as of right now, we're merely acting on attractions and sexual needs. In summary, while I kindly appreciated everyone's advice on my last thread, I also like to say I can officially null and void those last two threads about him. Positives about dating- -We are communicating more efficiently, we text during the day, but he'll still take the time at night to call me just to say hi without me prompting him to - We're both being understanding about our schedules and working our way around them to see each other more - We're both hoping this will go towards something significant -sexually we're compatible in bed - Personality-wise, we get along really well, we're very compatible in terms of our beliefs and work ethics in life and lastly, - he promised me he would work on his snoring at night.
spookie Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I don't think there's anything wrong for having sex "early", as long as its something u both wanted just let the relationship progress at its natural pace.
veggirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I don't have a problem with someone wanting and having sex early on, hell BF and I did on our 3rd date. So, it's not the sex necessarily that I take pause with. It's the drama. It's the conditions you are both placing on one another already to try to make it work. Are you official / exclusive yet? Well, if you like him and he likes you then best of luck. Hopefully it will be easier for you both from here on out, though I wouldn't count on it if I was in the situation.
veggirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Also, i used to have very emotional / irrational outbursts like I've seen you post about. What really helped me was pausing to just take a step back and THINK...is this worth it? Is this situation worth the energy I will spend getting all upset about it? I think it helped me look at things more clearly and choose my battles so to speak. It helped me figure out what little things were actually important to me, and what weren't. I think you should make a conscious effort to do that as well, it will benefit you immensly in your relationships! 2
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Having to actually hash things out and compromise so early on seems like a bummer, a buzzkill, and a bad sign to me. I don't think the sex itself is a problem, but agree with veggirl that the drama sounds problematic. See if y'all can go a few weeks without a fight or a serious conversation about the relationship. 1
TigerCub Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Kudos on the sex!! Although I do agree with others that have said that having to compromise on things so early on in a relationship is kind of a bad sign, I will say that it shows maturity to actually listen to someone and be WILLING to compromise and work on certain things. Baby step it and have fun, and whichever way it turns out, maybe this experience will teach you something about yourself
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Also, i used to have very emotional / irrational outbursts like I've seen you post about. What really helped me was pausing to just take a step back and THINK...is this worth it? Is this situation worth the energy I will spend getting all upset about it? I think it helped me look at things more clearly and choose my battles so to speak. It helped me figure out what little things were actually important to me, and what weren't. I think you should make a conscious effort to do that as well, it will benefit you immensly in your relationships! All very good points. I don't think I've ever mentioned this but I used to be bipolar, or at least at one point, I was diagnosed with bPD and I was very prone to ups and downs. I think my emotional/ irrational outbursts occurred more out of habit. I tend to have a tendency to take people the wrong way and act out unexpectedly. Having to actually hash things out and compromise so early on seems like a bummer, a buzzkill, and a bad sign to me. I don't think the sex itself is a problem, but agree with veggirl that the drama sounds problematic. See if y'all can go a few weeks without a fight or a serious conversation about the relationship. Actually Zengirl, I think it's better to compromise because we're both really headstrong people and neither of us like to let up easily. We both have a competitive streak and we refuse to be wrong. If we get into a little argument about who's right or wrong, we tend to end up in a deadlock. As compatible as we both are, there are still things that make both of us tick. Neither of us knows each other's pet peeves enough yet and why it's been so easy to cross the line and for us to fight/argue.
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Actually Zengirl, I think it's better to compromise because we're both really headstrong people and neither of us like to let up easily. We both have a competitive streak and we refuse to be wrong. If we get into a little argument about who's right or wrong, we tend to end up in a deadlock. Oh, compromise is excellent, but most relationships don't start out with conscious compromise or so much drama that necessitates it, was my point. I think compromising is a lovely part of life, and I think people with traits such as the ones you list (refusing to be wrong, etc) are bad traits to keep in general that a person should work on. So, not commenting on that just on the intensity of drama that leads to a conversation about compromises when a relationship is not even official. At that point, there is usually still very natural, almost noticeless give-and-take. As compatible as we both are, there are still things that make both of us tick. Neither of us knows each other's pet peeves enough yet and why it's been so easy to cross the line and for us to fight/argue. I do wish you luck. But I would advise not to become exclusive or get too attached until you can go awhile without fighting or worrying or fussing with each other. YMMV, of course. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Having to actually hash things out and compromise so early on seems like a bummer, a buzzkill, and a bad sign to me. I don't think the sex itself is a problem, but agree with veggirl that the drama sounds problematic. See if y'all can go a few weeks without a fight or a serious conversation about the relationship. I second that, or third, or whatever. I think people can have sex whenever they feel like it's "right" for whatever reasons. I do think that ALL the problems in your dealings with this guy (except for possible basic incompatibility) stem from your tendency to behave in "relationship" ways before there was a relationship. Sex now could be another such behavior. I hope not. I hope you just did it because of hormones and with no expectations of ANYTHING more than you've had up till now with this guy.
kaylan Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) I still take pause with all the earlier drama. Sexual chemistry is great and all, but I wonder how well you guys actually do get along when you both have to so consciously try to be on your best behavior. Ive always felt that things should run smoothly in the earlier on without much effort and compromise. What stuck out to me was what you said about "being on our best behavior". Ive never really heard someone actively say two people had to try so hard to behave well when they just started dating Also you said that he has to point out immaturity to you. My ex had to do that with me and eventually got sick of it. And I had to make compromises with her and eventually got sick of it. I know you are saying you are taking things slow and not impulsively acting on emotions, but if this whole situation with him is any indication...it seems to be the opposite. Theres much back and forth, good one second, bad the next. But best of luck. However tread lightly. Edited March 12, 2012 by kaylan 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) I second that, or third, or whatever. I think people can have sex whenever they feel like it's "right" for whatever reasons. I do think that ALL the problems in your dealings with this guy (except for possible basic incompatibility) stem from your tendency to behave in "relationship" ways before there was a relationship. Sex now could be another such behavior. I hope not. I hope you just did it because of hormones and with no expectations of ANYTHING more than you've had up till now with this guy. Thanks for chiming in Mme.. I agree that my tendency to overstep my boundaries is a problem. The fact that he's not someone I can easily walk on or take advantage of makes me respect him all the more. Again, I may also be unconsciously trying to self- sabotage any good " relationships" that come my way. Edited March 12, 2012 by xpaperxcutx
fishtaco Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Why are you apologizing for sex? You seem to be trying to make this work. Even if sex never happened, and you put in a ton of time and effort into this, and it still didn't turn out to work out, it'll still feels crappy, and is unfortunately part of dating and life. I don't think sex has anything to do with anything. In fact, I would say quality time is more of a binding attachment than jumping in the sack, it's just that many people prefer to vilify sex, as if that's the end-all-be-all activity. So I hope everything works out for the best. Sometimes even failed attempts can be considered success because you learn about yourself, which could serve as the inspiration for self improvement. I'm with TigerCub, high-five for the sex.
Kamille Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 We're both trying hard to be more compromising. I told him previously I'll work on my maturity level if he quit his need to criticize me for my behaviour. But nevertheless he will calmly call me out if I'm acting immature. Like others, this compromise gives me pause. It actually doesn't sound like that much of a compromise, more of an identification of things you don't like about each other. I worry that from here on out, you'll both be arguing the semantics what it means to criticize versus what is "calmly stating" a fact. I also fear that by casting yourself as immature and granting him the right to call you out on it, you're starting the relationship out on unequal footing. 4
kaylan Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Woo Hoo Hoo Rollercoaster... of love Lmao....I couldnt help but lol @ this one.
eleanorhurting Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 are you sure you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Like others, this compromise gives me pause. It actually doesn't sound like that much of a compromise, more of an identification of things you don't like about each other. I worry that from here on out, you'll both be arguing the semantics what it means to criticize versus what is "calmly stating" a fact. I also fear that by casting yourself as immature and granting him the right to call you out on it, you're starting the relationship out on unequal footing. I guess I should elaborate. I told him we really should start over because we started on the wrong footing. The compromise was that I'll stop being excessively dramatic and demanding of him, while he needs to stop calling me out on my behaviour, or in my case, lecturing. I wouldn't say I casted myself as immature, only my need for drama. He saw through that and he called me out. are you sure you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder? I saw alot of doctors in my past and they either gave me bipolar or borderline. I was treated for depression in my teens and I was on anti- depression for a bit.
eleanorhurting Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I guess I should elaborate. I told him we really should start over because we started on the wrong footing. The compromise was that I'll stop being excessively dramatic and demanding of him, while he needs to stop calling me out on my behaviour, or in my case, lecturing. I wouldn't say I casted myself as immature, only my need for drama. He saw through that and he called me out. I saw alot of doctors in my past and they either gave me bipolar or borderline. I was treated for depression in my teens and I was on anti- depression for a bit. Yeah I'm not a Dr. yet but I would be much more inclined to think you are borderline than bipolar. Have you looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? It could really help you! I mean this to help you because I obviously have way too many issues to even start with on this thread and I also could use therapy.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I had one of these types of relationships with someone who suffered from BPD, coincidentally enough. When I met her i just thought she was fiery, she gave me a challenge. She had a huge wall up, had a big mouth on her and was very independent...in fact one of the first things she told me was this can only last two years max! (lasted much longer), which was like wow! when she said that, but I loved it. But we had problems from the get-go, the chemistry was off the charts though and I was young enough not to really care as I figured I'd just bail if the smoke got too think anyway...we fought all the time, about the most stupid and insignificant things you could imagine, something I'd never experienced before...at first I just got a kick out of it, thought it was something playful and the tension seem to make the sex better in an odd way. I got an ego boost out of being with such a strong, fiery, and confident woman at the time, plus she was not able to resist me as much as she pretended she could and it was nice to wield that power as a confident guy myself, it just gave me more confidence. We butted heads like two bulls for the entirety of the relationship...however the sexual, physical and just spiritual chemistry was extremely bonding. We couldn't ever take spending too much time with each other consistently...we had a rule in fact that there was a 3 day maximum, otherwise we'd have to do our own thing as we were both independent, so we resolved most of our issues using our chemistry as a crutch. It became an extremely volatile situation as in the end she couldn't change who she was and I couldn't either. We were both stubborn people and even though we tried to compromise she'd freak out (literally) and become moody and I'd lose my temper and we'd end up having passionate sex. Eventually that became harder and harder to do, I couldn't handle the disrespect as she became bolder and unveiled her issues more and more. I thought I could fix her or run away, when I tried to run she gave me the hugest guilt trips ever and made threats...when I tried to fix her It's like she had no power over herself, I felt extremely bad for her, she told I couldn't understand and she hates herself, that she ultimately had no control. As much as I appreciate that relationship in my life and as much as we bumped heads on so many things, I could easily say I could never do that again. It was exhaustive and draining, and In the end after years and years of being together I still hadn't figured it out so I had to leave for my own sanity, it started to break me down...I became unhappier with my life and people at work started commenting on it. Nothing I did appeared to make a difference even though I tried reading books, researching, and even going to counseling with her (which I told myself I'd never do unless I was married) but she was the type that holds grudges and leaving her she'll always view as abandonment and beyond forgiveness. She lives her life independently and is actually fairly fine on her own when she has some control, she's very successful in life and helps a lot of people in her profession. But she still struggles with relationships today although she prefers to primarily remain single these days because of her issues. I consider myself a pretty capable guy, however with her I still can't imagine how I'd make it work. She needs an endless amount of self-work, she's completely aware of that, but for some reason there is a wall she hits and when she puts so much effort into her issues It's like they are too great and send her in a downward spiral of emotion. I feel badly and almost a little guilty because I know so much about her, and what another man would need to know or even intellectually capable of processing in order to understand half of what I know, I just hope that he has something I don't...maybe an endless amount of patience and commitment. If only I could figure out how to help her help herself, then I could truly feel that I actually made a difference. 1
kaylan Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) ^Damn ninja. You and your ex sound like me and my ex. We had insane physical chemistry, but we fought alllll the time. I kind of got off on the fighting sometimes. But it was draining after a certain point. My ex couldnt handle it after some time and we ended up in an on and off again phase which eventually led to our breakup. I learned a lot about myself from that experience and about what I want from a girlfriend in my life. Either way I blame myself more for why my relationship failed. I was definitely a selfish stubborn azzhole and I enjoyed the drama sometimes. I never thought things would end the way they did because I never expected her to want out. I thought she loved me too much to leave...I know I loved her too much to leave for a long time. Now I can look back at things and realize that neither of us were perfect..And although I do think she could have been a better girlfriend, I definitely could have been a better boyfriend. @OP Would you describe your relationship like my and Ninjas previous ones? Insane sexual chemistry but a tad much conflict? I had conflict right away with my ex, but it only drew us in more to one another. It sucks, but I do love someone I can butt heads with a bit. Not to fight all the time...but someone who challenges me. Like Ninja said, Id feel proud to have a "strong, fiery, and confident woman" Edited March 13, 2012 by kaylan
Yookie Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 - he promised me he would work on his snoring at night. Whaaat? How so?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 @OP Would you describe your relationship like my and Ninjas previous ones? Insane sexual chemistry but a tad much conflict? I had conflict right away with my ex, but it only drew us in more to one another. It sucks, but I do love someone I can butt heads with a bit. Not to fight all the time...but someone who challenges me. Like Ninja said, Id feel proud to have a "strong, fiery, and confident woman" I feel like Ninja described my relationship to a T. I am very independent and yes, I do have an emotional wall up. To Mr. Baseball, he finds that aspect of me incredibly sexy and he has commented that he loves it when I tell him what to do from time to time. The chemistry is insane, especially when we're intimate, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. But then that rollercoaster always occurs, especially when it comes to finding time to see each other. The last few fights that we had, it was always about him being too busy with work to see me and I took offense to his lack of effort. That is why he called me immature because I would say things like " Forget it" or " Whatever". I can't say I don't like the drama, it does feel like a high and I constantly feel like I have to test the waters and see how far he's willing to allow me to go. Like our second date, when I walked away from him because we fought over something insignificant, he actually came after me to confront me. He publicly lectured me that he had been never treated so disrespectfully before and that he was willing to drop me then and there. I got teary-eyed and wanted to walk away again, but he just grabbed me, hugged and kissed me. And even tonight, we almost got into a fight because we couldn't come to an agreement about when we'll see each other next. I don't know. I feel like he's everything I want in a guy for an SO, but at the same time, I can't deny I'm in a way, the main problem. What can I do?
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Hmmm.... good luck but... I agree with others. My last R started with drama and discussions of comprise almost from the get go. We thought that we were being mature in talking/resolving conflict. I mentioned to my boss something about it and he wisely said "If things are this much work early on, it will only get worse." He was right of course. The R. worked only when we were both on the best behaviour. In the end, we were both walking on eggshells or had big blowout fights. It was very unhealthy and unsustainable in the long run. Early days should be smooth, fun and easy.
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