perryb13 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I know it's normal to feel jealous of men that get to spend time with a girlfriend, even if you know it's silly. However, I'm STILL feeling jealous of all of the different male friends my ex is always spending time with. I know it's not how it's supposed to be done, but I am trying to stay friends with her because we were actually good friends before we started dating, and I'd rather not lose that. Now I can't help but feel like she's starting to move on to other guys and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. I mean, it's not my business if she decides to see someone else, but it's the most painful feeling to even think about her with another guy. Anyone have any experience with this and have some advice? Thanks a lot
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I know it's normal to feel jealous of men that get to spend time with a girlfriend, even if you know it's silly. However, I'm STILL feeling jealous of all of the different male friends my ex is always spending time with. I know it's not how it's supposed to be done, but I am trying to stay friends with her because we were actually good friends before we started dating, and I'd rather not lose that. Now I can't help but feel like she's starting to move on to other guys and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. I mean, it's not my business if she decides to see someone else, but it's the most painful feeling to even think about her with another guy. Anyone have any experience with this and have some advice? Thanks a lot If you know it's not how it's supposed to be done - well, there's your clue right there.... you shouldn't be doing it. Maintaining a friendship with an ex is completely impossible and out of the question - while there are still strong emotional feelings. I'm sorry, but the way it IS supposed to be done, is to go No Contact. read the link in my signature. It's absolutely chokka with all the good and right advice you know you should be following. If you do it like you're supposed to - it will make things a lot better. 2
Author perryb13 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 No contact makes sense, but it's easier to resist the urge when your ex also knows this is the best way. I think she truly wants to be friends but has no idea that it's incredibly taxing emotionally trying to transfer all of my "love" feelings into "friend" feelings. I've told her "hey, i think it's best if we get some time apart for a while" but she still insists on calling and texting and whatever. It hurts to ignore the calls and I just wish she could figure out that I'm doing it with best interests in mind, but I don't think that's going to happen.
Life Person Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 She has to accept that you wish not to talk to her, be very strict and firm with this. If she still tries to contact you, start ignoring her. No contact is the only sensible thing for you to do right now, walk away from her (even if you could try to be friends in the future). If you don't, you'll only be giving yourself more ammo to get you miserable.
dsw31 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I know it's normal to feel jealous of men that get to spend time with a girlfriend, even if you know it's silly. However, I'm STILL feeling jealous of all of the different male friends my ex is always spending time with. I know it's not how it's supposed to be done, but I am trying to stay friends with her because we were actually good friends before we started dating, and I'd rather not lose that. Now I can't help but feel like she's starting to move on to other guys and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. I mean, it's not my business if she decides to see someone else, but it's the most painful feeling to even think about her with another guy. Anyone have any experience with this and have some advice? Thanks a lot I can totally relate.My ex wanted to remain friends.I told him I couldn't handle it because I want him as a bf & can't bare the thought of him with someone else.He used to text me little inside jokes or meaningless texts here & there.It asked himrepeatedly to stop because it just gives me hope that we can be together again.However,I think he finally understands because the last contact I got from him was 6 days ago.It hurts so bad because now I don't know if he is over me,or he has found someone else,or he just gets that it hurts me.I don't know how to feel but I guess it's a good thing.That's what everyone else says anyway.Hopefully I can start to heal now.Being friends with an ex that you still have feelings for can be heartwrenching.I wish you all the best!
Author perryb13 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I used to think this might have just been something that girls did, because another ex has also done this to me. But, obviously guys and girls can do it, and not everyone acts like this. The hardest thing is just knowing that someone that you cared so much about can just move on with their lives and someone else. I guess the only thing to do is know that if he can move on and find someone, so can you! It's not impossible, it only feels like it at the time because your feelings are getting the better of your cognition. My last big break up I thought I was never going to get over her and I was hurt because she found another guy....but once my emotions settled, I had never felt better about myself, even though I didn't actually get another girlfriend until this last one. So clearly, you don't even need someone else to move on, you just have to trust that once you make it through, you'll be able to look back and see how silly it was to let your feelings completely control you.
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 No contact makes sense, but it's easier to resist the urge when your ex also knows this is the best way. I think she truly wants to be friends but has no idea that it's incredibly taxing emotionally trying to transfer all of my "love" feelings into "friend" feelings. I've told her "hey, i think it's best if we get some time apart for a while" but she still insists on calling and texting and whatever. It hurts to ignore the calls and I just wish she could figure out that I'm doing it with best interests in mind, but I don't think that's going to happen. you can't necessarily stop her in her tracks, but you do -and can - have control over yourself. it's totally simple; you tell her you are going no contact - and then do it. Follow the No Contact guide in my signature/link. the guy who wrote it actually worked in the same office as his ex - so if he can do it - so can you. just stick to what you know you must do - and do not pick up the breadcrumbs - you're a man - not a sparrow. 1
Author perryb13 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Awesome, thanks much again for your help now I just need to work on my mental discipline. I can't let thoughts of her with other guys poop on my day...i'm trying to be a doctor. Thank you to everyone for your help.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Awesome, thanks much again for your help now I just need to work on my mental discipline. I can't let thoughts of her with other guys poop on my day...i'm trying to be a doctor. Thank you to everyone for your help. that's what it is....Mental Discipline. Realising that when you say 'no', you should mean 'no', you CAN mean 'no', and if 'no' is what you say, both she - AND you - should respect that. Self-respect is so important in a situation like this - it's closely associated with self-esteem and dignity. Be dignified, be correct and be strong. If you're going to be a doctor, no patient is going to want to know they're dealing with a man whose on character is so weak that he can't man-up and be resolved in his actions.... As a doctor, it will be your unpleasant duty at times to deal with the sadder and more distressing side of life. there will be people who will be depending on you to know what you're talking about, and who will depend on your authority, attitude and professionalism to provide them with what they need as much as possible. fix on that image. and be that man - for yourself - now. 1
Frank13 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I mean, it's not my business if she decides to see someone else, but it's the most painful feeling to even think about her with another guy. Anyone have any experience with this and have some advice? Thanks a lot Yes. That's why you aren't supposed to be friends. I have been there and I started not liking myself for feeling something I had no business feeling. The solution was to go no contact and shut her out of my life. It wasn't easy but it got rid of the jealous feelings. There is no other choice. If you don't go NC, it will only get worse. The you will start arguing with her, saying hateful things to her, and end up out of each other's lives only by then you will look like an insane and pathetic man. That's not how you want her to remember you.
betterdeal Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Take a break from her. There's lots of other women in the world, many of them just waiting to meet you. Stop beating yourself up and go have some fun with your other friends and other women. Flirt, play, fool around, enjoy yourself
Author perryb13 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Haha, I've been trying to meet some new girls just to have some fun with, but I'm finding that my feelings are still getting in the way. I don't want to burden some poor girl with bad feelings from my ex. I'm actually lucky because I'll be traveling from May till August with little time for contact with the world outside of the group I'm traveling with. It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done physically and mentally, so I won't have time to worry about her. In fact, I could meet a girl on tour even. It takes too long to explain, but here's a clip of what I'll be doing Everyone on this site has been so helpful, I can't believe I just found it a week or so ago! You guys are the best.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 i know... we are some kind of awesome, huh....? I thought you said you were going to be a doctor? I'm sorry, did i read that wrong?
Author perryb13 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I am going to be a doctor haha. This is something I pay to do, it's not through a school or anything. I can only do it until I'm 21, which is why I broke up with the last girlfriend. She didn't want me to take my last opportunity to perform EVER. :/
betterdeal Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Yeah, if you can part on good terms, as in have no bad feelings for one another, and not hang out / know about each other's lives, then that, I think, is the best thing to do. Like the analogy with a break up being a wound, you need to cauterise the wound, whereas being in touch is just picking at the scab. Any friendship further down the line that may or may not grow between you is not something you need to worry about, but spending time away from each other (and that includes away from knowledge of each other, e.g. Facebook etc) will increase the chances of such friendliness occurring. Enjoy your youthfulness!
Author perryb13 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Fortunately yet unfortunately, due to recent events she's no longer speaking to me. I told her that right now I needed time alone and friends would come later and she took personal offense to it and now she's mad and not communicating. While I wish it had happened differently, I can finally move on. Hopefully in time the friendship will heal too but if she really can't see why I need this then I guess she's not a good friend either.
Author perryb13 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Also, I've blocked her on facebook. She'll probably take it as me being immature, but I just don't need anything ruining the progress I've been making on getting over her.
EgoJoe Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 The fact that she cares about "losing" you means something. Now, as far as jealousy etc. Perform cognitive dissonance. Do you really want someone who doesn't want you? Do you really care if someone else gets your leftovers? Do you really want someone immature and who does not value you as a person? Let her have her fun. She lost you and clearly is bothered by it. Never be her friend. Tell her the next time she tries, "We are not and never will be friends. Don't contact me."
Author perryb13 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 The fact that she cares about "losing" you means something. Now, as far as jealousy etc. Perform cognitive dissonance. Do you really want someone who doesn't want you? Do you really care if someone else gets your leftovers? Do you really want someone immature and who does not value you as a person? Let her have her fun. She lost you and clearly is bothered by it. Never be her friend. Tell her the next time she tries, "We are not and never will be friends. Don't contact me." Part of the way she's acting says indeed that she's bothered by me not talking to her. But she also seemed to be totally fine with just moving on to the next guy she laid eyes on, which bothers me I guess because I thought so highly of our relationship. Again, I think it just shows that she said all of these serious things because she was in the moment, but she obviously didn't feel that way all of the time or she wouldn't just be moving on with total ease. That's what I think anyway :/
EgoJoe Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/321191-ex-girlfriend-returned-after-1-bad-news Your situation is similar but in the early stages. If you ever see this situation coming, do what he did at the beginning but get it all out in the phonecall, STICK TO THE FACTS. Otherwise, stay NC and continue moving on.
Author perryb13 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Yikes...that sounds like an awful situation. I'm just going to stick to NC until 2 things happen: 1) She contacts me with some sort of truce in mind 2) I'm over her as an ex-girlfriend and ready to move on to being a friend again.
EgoJoe Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Yikes...that sounds like an awful situation. I'm just going to stick to NC until 2 things happen: 1) She contacts me with some sort of truce in mind 2) I'm over her as an ex-girlfriend and ready to move on to being a friend again. Don't ever be her friend. That is what she wants. She broke up with you and doesn't get to keep you in her life at all.
Author perryb13 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 She did break up with me, yes, but we were close friends before hand. Idk that's the only reason I wouldn't DENY the friendship outright. Unless she was being rude. Like I said, I would only even consider it once I was over her as an ex. That way those nasty feelings couldn't creep back. She treated me like **** as a boyfriend for a lot of the time but we were close friends. I mean like almost best friends at some point. But it obviously wasn't meant to be, as we kept just fooling around as friends and then backing off and it was emotionally stressful.
EgoJoe Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 She did break up with me, yes, but we were close friends before hand. Idk that's the only reason I wouldn't DENY the friendship outright. Unless she was being rude. Like I said, I would only even consider it once I was over her as an ex. That way those nasty feelings couldn't creep back. She treated me like **** as a boyfriend for a lot of the time but we were close friends. I mean like almost best friends at some point. But it obviously wasn't meant to be, as we kept just fooling around as friends and then backing off and it was emotionally stressful. She treated you like crap as a BF. That is a measure of her character. Don't be her friend, ever. That is not manly.
Nohbody Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Well, good luck with your endeavors. But until you start to detach, you will probably have to eat the jealousy as a price you pay for the friendship you maintain. I don't really know what else to say.
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