Am I just obsessed and do I need to just get over it?

[whattodo44]

My wife and I had a threesome with another man while we were on vacation in October of last year and again in January. I know many readers will think this is wrong, but that's not my question.

 

He came to our motel room on 3 different nights during the vacation. We live 400 miles away and he said he had family in our city and was going to be here in January and he would call W. He did, and we met in a hotel room (which I rented). He was here for 2 weeks and the next week W invited him to our house. She said it wasn't necessary to pay for another motel room.

 

Something just didn't seem right during that visit. Because I was suspicious I put spy software on W's computer and read her emails.

 

After the previous time (in the motel) she sent him an email stating ""It was good but we can do better. Next time let's get away alone." However, she apparently chickened out and invited me. I suspect that he didn't expect me to be there.

 

Afterward she sent him an email "Well, don't hate me. I felt bad because H enjoys this so much that I asked him to join us. If we get together again, I promise a solo."

 

A few days later she told me that she didn't ever want to see him again, and that he was scum because he cheated on his wife. I asked her what would she say if he called her. She said she wouldn't even answer the call.

 

A couple of weeks ago she received an email from him stating that he was going to be in our city in May (which we already knew) and wanted to get together. I figured she would just delete the email since she had made it clear to me that she never wanted to see him again.

 

However, she didn't. She responded with an email that said:

 

"So good to hear from you! Think of you often and can't wait to see you again - alone. Every day when I drive by <bar name>, I smile."

 

She had sent me an email when he was in town stating that he wanted us to meet him for drinks, however she said that she declined. Based on this it doesn't appear that she really declined to meet him, but she just didn't include me.

 

Last weekend I asked her if she had heard anything from him. She said, "No" and quickly changed the subject. That was obviously a lie.

 

Yesterday she sent me an email that said:

 

"I got a call from J. Really I can't stomach talking to him and have got to ditch the guy. When he calls after he gets here for the 2 month visit, I think I just won't answer the phone or better yet, get a new number. What do you suggest?"

 

I responded "What did J have to say? What did you tell him? Getting a new number is pretty drastic. I think just not answering should be adequate."

 

She said :"He doesn't say anything. Just discusses how and when he can sneak away from his wife. It's uncomfortable to listen to and I got him off the phone within a couple minutes. I'm going to tell him you'd prefer not to do this anymore."

 

I guess I'm a pervert because I enjoyed the threesomes, so I was disappointed. However, on the other hand I was somewhat relieved, because I was concerned I would be left out of anything in the future

 

However, I was still suspicious, so I checked the cell phone calls. He didn't originate the call, she did. She called him and it was a short 1 minute call. He then returned the call 9 minutes later and they talked for 10 minutes.

 

I always try to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Could her phone have "butt-dialed" him? She probably has his number in her Contacts in her phone, but she hadn't called him in nearly 2 months. I know this for a fact because I check the phone records almost daily.

 

So, is she trying to set the stage so that when he's here in May she can meet him alone and I won't be suspicious? Or am I completely misjudging her. Is she being honest with me and doesn't want to see the guy again? Perhaps she just doesn't want to be rude to him and is trying to be nice. I would think that she would be hesitant to F him in our house, in our bed because of the possibility of getting caught.

 

Or, am I just overly obsessed and need to get over it?

[Owl]

Why don't you just confront her with the truth? You KNOW that she has been trying to set up a meeting "just between the two of them".

 

Done. Don't explain how, don't back down, just lay it out on the line...and make it clear that you know that SHE is initiating all of this behind your back.

 

Unfortunately, this is an all too common situation after a setup like yours. I've had a couple of friend's marriages fail exactly like this one, for exactly the same reasons.

 

Either do something about the situation...or accept it.

 

Your call...what's it gonna be?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Yeah I'm for letting her know you know that she is lying. It sucks sometimes cause you have to prove it to get them confesss...but then you've blown your sources and they can just get sneakier... Haven't figured that puzzle out yet.

[Bryanp]

You need to confront her immediately. She is playing you for a fool.

[Missy1961]

i personally think some things should stay in our fantasies. I loved my husband and always wanted an affair as i wasnt enjoying sex with my husband as I lost my attraction to him. I didnt want to be with anyone else just wanted great sex for one nite. BIG MISTAKE. Having sex with someone else can change your feelings for the person you are with deciding that you prefer somone else. Sex, in my experience, needs to stay between only two people, otherwise it affects a relationship...I learnt the hard way. FOR THOSE OF YOU JUDGING PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO STRAY, I was one of you..... Things just arent always black and white and somethings just cant be explained.

[ThatDudeXO]

She's playing you well...haha.

 

Just confront her and tell her you she's lying, others let it play it and see what happens. Ha!

[Lauriebell82]

This is a recycled thread from a few weeks ago. I remember the story vividly because I was surprised the husband is close to 70 years old and dealing with this nonsense. Why are you posting the same story again OP? You're going to get the same exact response.

 

Here's the 127-post thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/315962-cheating-just-make-plans

 

.

 

Yeah, I remember this story as well. I'll repeat what I said in the other thread. She's cheating on you OP (emotional A) which will lead to a physical one. Same thing everyone in the other thread told you. She's now trying to manipulate you by saying that she doesn't have any interest in this guy in order to throw you off course. How much longer are you going to track her until you finally confront her on her lies?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I'm for letting her know you know that she is lying. It sucks sometimes cause you have to prove it to get them confesss...but then you've blown your sources and they can just get sneakier... Haven't figured that puzzle out yet.

 

Yes she is lying. Your gut knows it and your head knows it too. I completely understand that you don't want to believe it, fact that you've seen the messages, email etc., yet she blantantly has lied to your face without blinking an eye. She's become quite a good liar. Not good and it's time to you let her know the jig is up! Tell her you know everything. Infact, you should call him and tell him not to ever contact either of you again and if he does, the next call will be to his wife.

 

You need to confront her immediately. She is playing you for a fool.

 

Yes she is. She's playing you a fiddle.

[Steen719]

post deleted

 

I can't say what I was going to say....I just can't.

[whattodo44]

Why are you posting the same story again OP? You're going to get the same exact response.

 

That is a good question. It isn't quite the same story. I'm pasting the portion of the post that happened since the prior post.

 

Last weekend I asked her if she had heard anything from him. She said, "No" and quickly changed the subject. That was obviously a lie.

 

Yesterday she sent me an email that said:

 

"I got a call from J. Really I can't stomach talking to him and have got to ditch the guy. When he calls after he gets here for the 2 month visit, I think I just won't answer the phone or better yet, get a new number. What do you suggest?"

 

I responded "What did J have to say? What did you tell him? Getting a new number is pretty drastic. I think just not answering should be adequate."

 

She said :"He doesn't say anything. Just discusses how and when he can sneak away from his wife. It's uncomfortable to listen to and I got him off the phone within a couple minutes. I'm going to tell him you'd prefer not to do this anymore."

 

I guess I'm a pervert because I enjoyed the threesomes, so I was disappointed. However, on the other hand I was somewhat relieved, because I was concerned I would be left out of anything in the future

 

However, I was still suspicious, so I checked the cell phone calls. He didn't originate the call, she did. She called him and it was a short 1 minute call. He then returned the call 9 minutes later and they talked for 10 minutes.

 

I always try to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Could her phone have "butt-dialed" him? She probably has his number in her Contacts in her phone, but she hadn't called him in nearly 2 months. I know this for a fact because I check the phone records almost daily.

 

So, is she trying to set the stage so that when he's here in May she can meet him alone and I won't be suspicious? Or am I completely misjudging her. Is she being honest with me and doesn't want to see the guy again? Perhaps she just doesn't want to be rude to him and is trying to be nice. I would think that she would be hesitant to F him in our house, in our bed because of the possibility of getting caught.

 

Or, am I just overly obsessed and need to get over it?

 

I guess I just have difficulty facing reality and I'm looking for a slight glimmer of hope.

[whattodo44]

I was surprised the husband is close to 70 years old and dealing with this nonsense.

 

That hit home. To be honest, I have never considered the fact that I'm close to 70. I'm 67, and you are correct, that is close to 70. However when you say it that way it makes seem much, much older. I get up ever day, go to work in an office and my coworkers range from 20s to early 70s, so I've just never considered myself old. I really don't consider myself to be any different from the co-workers in their 20s and 30s.

 

So are people my age supposed to react differently or have different feelings than you people like Alice? What is the magic age where that happens?

[xxoo]

That hit home. To be honest, I have never considered the fact that I'm close to 70. I'm 67, and you are correct, that is close to 70. However when you say it that way it makes seem much, much older. I get up ever day, go to work in an office and my coworkers range from 20s to early 70s, so I've just never considered myself old. I really don't consider myself to be any different from the co-workers in their 20s and 30s.

 

So are people my age supposed to react differently or have different feelings than you people like Alice? What is the magic age where that happens?

 

We hope that, at your age, we will have enough life experience and wisdom to avoid this kind of relationship mess.

 

The evidence is right in front of you. She is contacting him behind your back, and lying to you about it. You can not get over it is because the betrayal is ongoing.

 

How long are you going to tolerate it? I suspect you tolerate it because you don't want to let go of other parts of the relationship--the companionship, and the hope of future hot sex/threesomes.

 

If you choose to stay, do it with wide open eyes. You are getting some things you want, but there is a steep price to pay. She will never be the hot wife who does the threesomes, but is also true to you. That is fantasy, not reality.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but you are in major denial. First she contacted him first and not the other way around. Second, she talked to him for 10 minutes. It seems obvious that she is wanting to have sex with him alone. Your only answer is she must have butt dialed him by mistake.... Oh please. She stated previously she wanted to be with him alone. Your last meeting she did not even wait for you and was in bed with him before you even met up with them. Please stop being in such denial. She is so lying to you and you know it also.

[whattodo44]

Does any of this register?

 

Slowly but surely. I know I am in denial. Really I think it registered a long time ago. However, I am 99% sure if I talk to her about it she will deny everything and say that she was just leading him on because she didn't want to be rude to him. I just wish I had firm proof.

 

I made the decision several weeks ago to divorce her, however I decided to wait until June 1st. The reason is that we currently have legal custody of her two young grandkids, age 4 and 6. That is scheduled to change June 1st. I think the kids need me and it's less than two months away. I posted a question on here about whether I should wait, and the majority of the respondents said it was the right thing to do.

 

However, this latest incident happened with the phone call, and I posted again.

 

I do appreciate the comments, and I apologize for posting this again.

[Lauriebell82]

OP, you keep coming up with excuses to keep yourself in this situation. I'm glad you can admit your denial, however you aren't doing anything to deal with it. I'm guessing that posting this thread is part of the denial that you are going through. It's like a battered woman continuing to return to the abusive relationship.

 

It's never a good sign to decide to wait until a certain "date" to file for divorce. Thats just a way of stalling until you can justify your wife's actions and/or convince yourself that she isn't cheating. The grandkids are still young, they won't even remember this ever happening. You are using them as an excuse. I have an incling that come June 1st there will be another reason why you can't file for divorce.

[whattodo44]

It doesn't sound like you're going to really do it.

 

I know. Sometimes it seems that way to me too. I keep making excuses. I truly believe that if we hadn't bought a house in 2006 that I would have divorced her in 2007 or 2008. At that time I decided to wait until the RE market improved and/or she got a better job. So far, the RE market keeps getting worse and she still has the same job. The house next door to ours which is identical to ours recently sold for 35.75% of what we gave for ours in 2006. I have consulted an attorney and because of my income we would be stuck with a deficiency judgement if we defaulted on the loan or did a short sale.

 

Then I tell myself that if it wasn't for the grandkids I would do it now. Is that a reason for not doing it now, or is it an excuse?

 

Will I find another excuse in June?

 

I wish it was just as easy as going to a website, having two selections :1 = Divorce, 2 = No Divorce. I could click 1 and it would be over with and my wife would just accept it.

 

I wish there was some way that she would find another man and want to divorce me. I wish I could think that she wouldn't cry and beg me to stay and try to make me feel guilty and convince me that everything is my fault.

 

Any of these things would make it easy.

 

Another option would be if I could find someone to convince me that it's just me and that it's all in my head and that I could find a way to change the way I think. That way I could stay and be happy. However, nobody seems to believe that, so the chances of that happening are very, very slim. I've been to 5 counselors, and none of them seem to think that this is true.

[whattodo44]

It's never a good sign to decide to wait until a certain "date" to file for divorce. Thats just a way of stalling until you can justify your wife's actions and/or convince yourself that she isn't cheating. The grandkids are still young, they won't even remember this ever happening. You are using them as an excuse. I have an incling that come June 1st there will be another reason why you can't file for divorce.

 

I posted my prior post before reading this. Thanks for the comments. You are correct.

[Lauriebell82]

Another option would be if I could find someone to convince me that it's just me and that it's all in my head and that I could find a way to change the way I think. That way I could stay and be happy. However, nobody seems to believe that, so the chances of that happening are very, very slim. I've been to 5 counselors, and none of them seem to think that this is true.

 

Sounds familiar. I am a drug and alcohol counselor and most of my clients who are in denial and have been to 5 different rehabs STILL don't believe the have a problem and that they can "control it." Unfortunately, no amount of being told you have a problem with convince you that you do. All we can do (counselors and us here at LS) is continue to support you and give you advice. But you are the one who is going to have to get over the denial and finally make a decision. Usually people do reach a certain point where they are just done and decide to make a change.

 

What does that "point" look like for you OP? What's it going to take for you to snap out of your denial?

[whattodo44]

What does that "point" look like for you OP?

 

I wish I had the answer. I tell myself that the "point" will be when either the mother or father regains custody of the kids. However, I am concerned that I will chicken out. I think what happened this week with the phone call has definitely gotten me closer to the "point".

 

I'm going to try to get an appointment with an attorney next week, and maybe that will help me determine the "point".

[whattodo44]

Let me bring something brand new into the picture. This has been bothering me a lot. I think my W is just as unhappy as I am and if it wasn't for the fact that I make over 3 times as much as she does there wouldn't be a problem. However, I am her "meal ticket" and she would really hate to lose the meal ticket.

 

A few weeks ago I had been working on Saturday and came home and she had drank a whole bottle of wine and told me that she was stressed to the max because of her daughter (drug and alcohol problems) and the kids. She said she was ready to die, and that she'd been thinking of committing suicide. I was very concerned, and don't want to do anything that will take her over the edge. My divorcing her might do that.

 

She didn't seem to even remember saying that the next day.

 

But, it has to be a concern to me. I would hate to feel responsible for something like that.

[whichwayisup]

It SHOULD hit close to home. At 67, it's scary that you are foolish enough to try and live out some warped fantasy and think it's going to actually benefit your marriage. A threesome shows lack of respect by both spouses. Why on earth you thought your wife would have respect for you after you gave her permission to cheat is just beyond me. I really have no sympathy for you at all.

 

And let's not just wife bash here - had you brought in another woman instead of a man, you'd probably be planning something on the side with the woman and keep your wife out of it. The downside of threesomes is that they typically result in affairs with the third party. If the spouses are able to cheat right in front of their spouse, then they will usually have no issue doing it in secret.

 

Magic age you ask? Apparently there iS no magic age ----- as some people never seem to grow out of thinking below the belt and it's ALL about getting one's rocks off.

 

Was getting your rocks off really worth all that is happening now?

 

Remember the rocking chair comment you made to me in the other thread? I'd much rather be having vanilla sex at 70 and sitting on that chair holding my spouse's (or significant other's) hand, rockin away instead of planning my next secret tryst with a stranger I picked up in bar.

 

The guy and his wife were just trying to spice up their marriage, I'm sure after so many years of marriage things were stale in the bedroom. For a while it worked for them. What's wrong with that? Geez Alice, lighten up on the guy. People can try different things in their marriages, if it works, great if not, then stop. For a while it was working and now it's not. He knows this and deep down his wife does too. Age has nothing to do with it. He feels young at heart, that's important.

[whichwayisup]

Let me bring something brand new into the picture. This has been bothering me a lot. I think my W is just as unhappy as I am and if it wasn't for the fact that I make over 3 times as much as she does there wouldn't be a problem. However, I am her "meal ticket" and she would really hate to lose the meal ticket.

 

A few weeks ago I had been working on Saturday and came home and she had drank a whole bottle of wine and told me that she was stressed to the max because of her daughter (drug and alcohol problems) and the kids. She said she was ready to die, and that she'd been thinking of committing suicide. I was very concerned, and don't want to do anything that will take her over the edge. My divorcing her might do that.

 

She didn't seem to even remember saying that the next day.

 

But, it has to be a concern to me. I would hate to feel responsible for something like that.

 

Then she needs help, badly. Counselling and AA maybe so she can stop drinking her problems away..

[whattodo44]

I'm sure after so many years of marriage things were stale in the bedroom.

 

There haven't been that many years of marriage. We've been married 10 years and the problems started in the 2nd year with another guy that she had an affair with when she was married to her second husband (I'm #3). It took me 5 years to finally tell her I wanted a divorce in Jan 2008, then I backed down. She promised to cut off all contact with him, however a couple of weeks ago I found his business card in her wallet. She always denied anything was going on, and was very adamant that he was just a "friend".

[whattodo44]

Counselling and AA maybe so she can stop drinking her problems away

 

This is not the norm for her. She drinks wine occasionally, but not normally to excess.

[whattodo44]

I think you're going to continue to allow yourself to be snowed and you will eventually suggest finding a new partner for your threesomes.

 

OK, I'm going to make a confession. When we first hooked up with this guy I was hoping that she would fall for him and leave me. However, she said she asked him why he didn't just divorce his wife, and he said it because he didn't want her to get 50% of the property they owned. So I guess it'll never happen.

 

I know you weren't serious, but I got to thinking. If I could find another partner for the threesome that wasn't married, perhaps she would fall for him and I would be free without having to do the dirty work.

 

I'm not serious when i say this, so please don't flame me. I know it's like buying a lottery ticket with the hopes that you're going to win. It'll never happen.