whattodo44 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 My wife and I had a 3-some with another man while we were on vacation in October. It's something we had talked about for years and it finally happened. When we originally discussed it she said her fantasy was to have oral sex with another man while having sex with me, but the way it worked out was exactly the opposite. She picked this guy up at a bar the first night we were there. He came over on 3 different nights during the vacation. We live 300 miles away and on the third night he said he had family in our city and visited often and was going to be here in January and that he would call W. I asked her later if she had given him her phone number (even though it was obvious she had) and she said yes. I'm not sure she would have ever told me if he hadn't mentioned it. For some reason I was suspicious, so I put a spy program on the computer so I could read her email. In January W told me he called and wanted to meet in the morning of January 16th. It had to be in the morning because he had told his wife that he was playing golf. W didn't want to invite him to our house, so we rented a motel room. On Wednesday January 18th she sent him an email: "It was good but we can do better. Next time let's get away alone." He was going to be in town for two weeks and wanted to get together again. On Saturday, Jan 21 he sent her an email: "getting a hard on just thinking of playing golf at your place some morning this week!!!" She responded: "Yes. Need you to f*** me, f*** me." They set up a date for Tuesday Jan 24th for him to come to our house. Apparently W got cold feet about not including me because she sent me an email asking if I would be available. Perhaps she was hoping that I would not. Or perhaps she was expecting him to offer to pay for the room this time, and when he didn't she decided on our house and didn't want to take the chance of my finding out. She sent him an email: "Well, don't hate me. I felt bad because H enjoys this so much that I asked him to join us. If we get together again, I promise a solo. " When I arrived at the appointed time of 10 they were already naked in bed. That night she told me that she didn't ever want to see him again, and that he was scum because he cheated on his wife. I asked her what would she say if he called her. She said she wouldn't even answer the call. I wondered about that since she had told him that next time it would be a solo, but I decided that she was just leading him on. Incidently, they talked for over an hour on the phone the week that he was here. This week she received an email from him stating that he was going to be in our city in May and wanted to get together. I figured she would just delete the email since she had made it clear to me that she never wanted to see him again. However, she didn't. She sent him an email that said: "So good to hear from you! Think of you often and can't wait to see you again - alone. Every day when I drive by <bar name>, I smile." She had sent me an email when he was in town stating that he wanted us to meet him for drinks, however she said that she declined. Based on this it doesn't appear that she really declined to meet him, but she just didn't include me. I am very upset over this and don't know what to do. I know her well enough to know that if I confront her with it she will say that she was just leading him on, and that she had no intention of meeting him alone. Then my cover will be blown and I can no longer spy on her, so I will spend the whole month of May wondering if he's at my house on my bed, or if they're off somewhere else. On the other hand, I guess she hasn't done anything wrong at this time. I don't believe it is cheating as long as long as it's a 3-some. Is it fair to be upset because you think your wife is going to cheat on you, or do you have to know for sure that she did in order to be upset?
Spark1111 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 They say the first huge red flag is the keeping of secrets from your spouse. (Check box) The second is when they start to lie about those secrets. (Check box) The third is when they start to actively gaslight their spouse, as in, she hates him that he is cheating on his wife (to you, to throw you off the trail) but is still oh-so-nice to him (leaving that door open for further exploration.) I think your wife is intending to cheat on you, but you certainly can't accuse her yet because she hasn't. Keep monitoring the emails to assess how honest anyone is being with you. I think you will have your answer soon enough. The bigger question is, what do you intend to do about it? 1
Author whattodo44 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 The bigger question is, what do you intend to do about it? I wish I knew. The problem is that I don't want to have to wait until May, I am feeling very devastated right now. Perhaps I'm more upset over it than I should be. Perhaps she's just leading him on.
Bryanp Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I am sorry but you you need a reality check. She is playing you for a fool. If the roles were reversed how do you think your wife would be acting? She clearly wants to have sex with him alone. Your wife is continuously lying to you. It is a matter of time before she has sex with him alone. How can you not see this? She is totally disrespecting you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to stop this threesome with this guy immediately. It is clear that your wife is emotionally involved with him. I am betting that when you try to stop this she will continue to seek him out for a playtime alone. Stop it now before it totally destroys your marriage. How many more times does she need to disrespect you like this? Stop it now before it is too late. Good luck. 2
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I wish I knew. The problem is that I don't want to have to wait until May, I am feeling very devastated right now. Perhaps I'm more upset over it than I should be. Perhaps she's just leading him on. Haha... more likely she is leading YOU on. Why on earth would you let your wife start having sex with another man? How can you respect yourself? How can you expect her to respect you? Ugh.
CC12 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 On the other hand, I guess she hasn't done anything wrong at this time. I don't believe it is cheating as long as long as it's a 3-some. Is it fair to be upset because you think your wife is going to cheat on you, or do you have to know for sure that she did in order to be upset? Serious? Yeah, you can go ahead and be upset that she's sneaking around with another guy and planning to meet up with him. And also being naked and alone with him in bed. Having threesomes doesn't give her free reign to lie to you and do whatever. You don't need to wait until she actually ****s the guy to do something about it. You already have enough ammo to act. When we originally discussed it she said her fantasy was to have oral sex with another man while having sex with me, but the way it worked out was exactly the opposite. Yeah it's actually you on the receiving end.
standtall Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 What, Without lecturing you about the mistake that you've made from the get go here..that's why they call it a devil's threesome...this is still going to sound harsh, but I won't sugar coat this. She has already made it clear that you're the 3rd wheel When I arrived at the appointed time of 10 they were already naked in bed. and IMHO, if he didn't live 300 miles away, you would already be getting a divorce...but that may be coming anyway. The 300 mile difference is just delaying it. At the minimum, he will reject her, but you will be 2nd in bed no matter what. Also, she is not leading him on, she is leading you on. She has not lied to him, but to you. I figured she would just delete the email since she had made it clear to me that she never wanted to see him again. However, she didn't. She sent him an email that said: "So good to hear from you! Think of you often and can't wait to see you again - alone. Every day when I drive by <bar name>, I smile." She had sent me an email when he was in town stating that he wanted us to meet him for drinks, however she said that she declined. Based on this it doesn't appear that she really declined to meet him, but she just didn't include me. What more do you need?
PegNosePete Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Jesus H Christ on a stick. If that was my wife, I would have launched her into orbit long ago. There is no way in hell you should put up with her doing that kind of stuff. You gave her an inch and she took a mile, lied about it, and hid it behind your back.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 You need to stop this threesome with this guy immediately. It is clear that your wife is emotionally involved with him. I am betting that when you try to stop this she will continue to seek him out for a playtime alone. Stop it now before it totally destroys your marriage. How many more times does she need to disrespect you like this? Stop it now before it is too late. Good luck. Based on what she told me (she didn't ever want to see him again) and her emails to him (can't wait to see you again - alone) the threesome has stopped. It sounds to me like I'm not going to be involved in any further contacts she has with him.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Jesus H Christ on a stick. If that was my wife, I would have launched her into orbit long ago. There is no way in hell you should put up with her doing that kind of stuff. You gave her an inch and she took a mile, lied about it, and hid it behind your back. I agree. Now what to I do about it. Option 1 - Ignore it. There are those that think a bad marriage is better than no marriage at all. Perhaps she will change her mind and never see him again. Option 2 - Confront her with it. I can't see how that would help because she will just be more secretive. Option 3 - Catch them in the act. Wait until May and hope that they communicate through email rather than just by phone, then when I find out when and where they're meeting be there. If the arrangements are made by phone I will never know exactly when or where. Option 4 - Get a divorce. In this state I don't need a reason for a divorce, so it's not necessary to actually catch them in the act. These are the things that I'm weighing in my head.
PegNosePete Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 All your options apart from option 4 will end in a lot more heartache for you in the long term.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I agree. Now what to I do about it. Option 1 - Ignore it. There are those that think a bad marriage is better than no marriage at all. Perhaps she will change her mind and never see him again. Wrong, if you ignore it, she will keep wanting to see him as long as she can get away with it. She will do it more, and get careless, and either eventually get caught, or leave you. Option 2 - Confront her with it. I can't see how that would help because she will just be more secretive. If you think she will keep doing it after you confront her with evidence, then your marriage is over. She fell out of love with you and dosnt care how you feel about it. You can either find someone to cheat on her with or start talks of divorce with her...that should slap some sense into her. She wants to see him and keep her security, she will panic if you take her safety net away. Option 3 - Catch them in the act. Wait until May and hope that they communicate through email rather than just by phone, then when I find out when and where they're meeting be there. If the arrangements are made by phone I will never know exactly when or where. The arrangements most likely will be by phone, so if there are times you think she will be going to meet him, then you will have to follow her to catch her. Option 4 - Get a divorce. In this state I don't need a reason for a divorce, so it's not necessary to actually catch them in the act. This is unfortunately inevitable. These are the things that I'm weighing in my head. Just so you know, it seems since she has been talking about this for years, she has been planning to do what she is doing for that whole time. Hopefully she hasnt cheated already and used the threesome to try it guilt free. The real problem is, if she fell out of love with you, if she didnt tell you why, then she has no intention of fixing the problems in your marriage.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 The real problem is, if she fell out of love with you, if she didnt tell you why, then she has no intention of fixing the problems in your marriage. I think you're right. At times I think she never loved me, she just married me for financial security. I fell out of love with her several years ago when she was secretly meeting another man that she claimed was just a "friend". She claimed she never had sex with him and I had no proof that she did. I thought this time would be different since i was involved in the threesome, but apparently I was deceiving myself.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 How about a threesome with two women? Float that and see her response. Very seldom is it the man fulfilling the wife's fantasy of two men. Face it you are in major trouble as you opened the door. Ask how she feels about an open marriage too and that will answer exactly what she thinks.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 How about a threesome with two women? Float that and see her response. Very seldom is it the man fulfilling the wife's fantasy of two men. I think she had an affair with a woman she worked with a few years ago. The co-worker told me about it. Wife says it never happened and she doesn't know why the co-worker would like about it. So she might be willing as long as it was primarily woman-on-woman sex. I don't think she would like for me to participate. Ask how she feels about an open marriage too and that will answer exactly what she thinks. I asked her if she would consider doing it with a couple. She got very upset and said NO! THAT WOULD BE A REAL TURNOFF FOR ME.
Nightsky Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 They call it a devils threesome for many reasons. This was never going to end well. Consider it more than a red flag if a woman seriously wants to be with her husband and another guy at the same time. Maybe her real fantasy is to cuckold you. If making plans to have secret sex with a guy other than your husband isn't cheating I don't know what is.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 If making plans to have secret sex with a guy other than your husband isn't cheating I don't know what is. THANK YOU! This is what I was hoping to hear and I would like other opinions on this. I wasn't sure whether it would be cheating until it actually happened. Because in reality, it might never happen.
Owl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 It doesn't matter if it was "actually cheating" or not. It's a direct violation of your trust and love for her. It's against the agreemant that you had with her when this all started (I'm assuming). I'd like to raise a concern here...you stated that it sounds like she already had an affair with a woman from her office a couple of years ago?!?!?! BIG RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't buy the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing...sometimes people do things that they learn from and regret later. BUT...I do heartily believe that "Twice a cheater, always a cheater". If you have any reason at all to suspect she was intimate with someone else before...and she's doing it again now...I don't honestly see any liklihood that things will change for the better. This is an indicator of peronality/moral character. Taking these two things together...you'd better either lay down the law, or walk away now. Anything less just means things go on hold until they quiet down and can resume when you're more trusting again.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 you'd better either lay down the law, or walk away now. Anything less just means things go on hold until they quiet down and can resume when you're more trusting again. So how would I go about laying down the law? She can get a new email account, access it only from work, and a prepaid cell phone. How would I ever know?
Lauriebell82 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I think the problems started way before the threesome even came into the picture. She has a history of cheating and most likely she is using this threesome scenerio as a "legit" way of carrying on an affair. I think you should confront her on the information. Do not offer anymore threesomes, swinging, anything of the sort. In her mind that will justify what she is doing and she will continue to take advantage of the lack of boundaries that exist in your marriage. Set some boundaries or divorce her. Or both. I would suggest both! So how would I go about laying down the law? She can get a new email account, access it only from work, and a prepaid cell phone. How would I ever know? If you even THINK this is going to be a possibility then that should be telling you something....
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I'd like to raise a concern here...you stated that it sounds like she already had an affair with a woman from her office a couple of years ago?!?!?! I gave her the benefit of the doubt on that one. She claimed it never happened. Here's the story. W had told me about what she claims is her only bi-sexual experience that she claims happened when she was married to her prior husband. So this was way before we met. One night she called me about 7 and said that she and the co-worker (I'll call her D) were at a bar and that they'd have a little too much to drink and she didn't want to drive and would I come and get her. I did and she and D had both had too much to drink. They had the top two buttons of each other's tops unbuttoned and were playing with each others boobs. D said that W had told her about having sex with a woman and she loved the story. She kept saying to W "Will you have sex with me?" W just smiled and never answered. A few weeks later we went out with D and her boyfriend and they were discussing the fact that their boss was gay. Boyfriend said "D is bi-curious". D corrected him and said "I'm not curious any more". Boyfriend repeated it several times during the evening and D corrected him every time. Once when W went to the rest room D leaned over and said to me "W and I had sex in the office a few weeks ago. It was Friday afternoon and everyone else was gone so we went into W's office, locked the door and has sex". I asked W about it the next day and she said she was shocked and that it never happened. I thought it sounded unlikely that they would do it in the office, so I believed her. A few weeks after that it was another Friday afternoon, I was in the garage and W came home and took a 12 pack of empty beer bottles out of her car. She said that it was D's last day and that everyone else is always gone on Friday afternoon so they had a party. So, if they could drink beer in the office, they probably could have had sex in the office.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Thanks for all the comments. I probably posted this prematurely. This week OM is on a cruise with his wife. Next week his wife is out of town. So it will be interesting to see whether there are any emails going back and forth next week.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 If you even THINK this is going to be a possibility then that should be telling you something.... Yes, I think it would be a definite possibility. So what does that tell me? That I am paranoid?
nofool4u Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 YES its cheating. She made plans to F the guy. And in any case, at the very least, its emotional cheating. Having said that, when you allow a 3some, you pretty much F'd up the relationship/marriage at that point. What the hell were you thinking allowing a 3some, much less with another man?
Lauriebell82 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Yes, I think it would be a definite possibility. So what does that tell me? That I am paranoid? No, not that you are paranoid. It should tell you that you know in your heart your wife is a liar and a cheater, and will continue to deceive you when she realizes she has been "caught." Why would you want to be married to someone like that?
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