freeloader? or just oblivious

[CC12]

This is a year old, he is currently not living with me, but we are still together...as I'm writing this, I can see that I am just a desperate idiot to you all. If God forbid any of you end up in a relationship with someone who is abusive, manipulative, sweet talking and ver very good at it....and you get stuck and beaten down .....message me, I'll beat you down some more. Thanks

 

You feel you haven't gotten the support you're looking for here, I take it. But since your update, with the exception of one poster, everyone else has tried helping you in their own way.

 

In your last post, you said that you poured your heart out to him and that maybe he gets it now. You're trying to convince him that it's wrong to treat you this way. This is not something you can teach him. He doesn't treat you this way because he's confused. He treats you this way because there is something wrong with him. And it's not your job or your responsibility to fix him because fixing him is damaging to you. You need to end it with him and never contact him again. And if you won't do that, please get some therapy for yourself to figure out why you choose to allow someone to do this to you.

 

And this is a choice you are making. You are not stuck with him in any way. You don't live together, you're not married, you don't have kids, you don't have any shared finances or property. If there is something (other than your emotions) that is holding you together, post about it here so we can help you cut those ties. But honestly, being rid of him is as simple as telling him you're done and to never contact you again.

 

The breakup doesn't have to be this long, drawn out, terrible thing. All it has to take is a moment. The next time you're feeling strong, text him and tell him it's over and to never contact you again. I know breaking up over text is generally frowned upon, but in your circumstances, I think it's fine and probably preferable to doing it in person. Then you change your locks and your phone number, disable Facebook and whatever other methods of communication he has with you, never speak to him again under any circumstances, and spend some time alone to process the breakup and heal from all this.

[agirlhere]

You are right, I have had some wonderful support. The post saying I am desperate to have a man pi$$ed me off. It's crazy because he is 2 ends of the spectrum. I have never had a man treat me so cruellyly and disrespectfully, and I have also never had a man so loving and affectionate. He is both to the extreme, I have held on hoping that the love and affection he shows me will take precedence, and the longer he knows me the more he will see that He shouldn't treat me so badly. It's NOT desperate to have a man, it is however maybe desperate to feel like I measure up, and desperate to not walk away from another relationship feeling that way.

this relationship is not going to change, I do truly know that, it has progressively gotten worse.

He showed his cruel colors today via text and I told him the camels back is broken and to leave me alone....I'm getting there....my story may sound the same as it did a year ago, but my mindset is different. Back then I hoped he would change, today I KNOW he won't. He is damaging ME the longer I stay and I see that now.

Thank you for your words.

[TKizz]

Hmmmm...well, I don't know, but I'm guessing the age difference, and the fact that he's a guy under 30, has given him a mommy syndrome. As long as you're willing to take care of him and let him contribute so little, I bet he will!

 

My ex was very similar, though he was only a year younger than me, and now he's married to someone else, who befriended me and actually complains of his lack of motivation, even though they now have a kid together! He works part-time at Target 15 hours/week (what is with everyone's dreams dying at Target?), and expects his wife to find work as SOON as possible for the. He's deploying to Kuwait in May, but she said that she wishes he'd even commit full-time to the military, ANYTHING (right now he's National Guard, my idea when we were dating but he seems to want to stick to it, despite his initial desire to go in full-time).

 

Anyway...the moral of the story is that I was too nice, and his wife is VERY nice, and she babies him and is totally the mothering type.

 

Did this guy have motivation BEFORE you guys began dating?

[agirlhere]

No, he didn't have motivation before we started dating. Video games drinking beer and poor choices is what I've learnt from his ex. I had hopes back then though that he would get his **** together, He has talked for 2 years at how he wants to make his life better, marry me etc.....nothing has changed since day one....except he has become crueler

[TKizz]

No, he didn't have motivation before we started dating. Video games drinking beer and poor choices is what I've learnt from his ex. I had hopes back then though that he would get his **** together, He has talked for 2 years at how he wants to make his life better, marry me etc.....nothing has changed since day one....except he has become crueler

 

Ohhhh...that makes perfect sense then! He's not going to change, and I think you've known that all along. If he got with you and you accepted all these behaviors, what motivation would he have to change them except for maybe lose you? If that were the case, you need to do JUST that, or he'll never take you seriously in the future.

[2sunny]

No, he didn't have motivation before we started dating. Video games drinking beer and poor choices is what I've learnt from his ex. I had hopes back then though that he would get his **** together, He has talked for 2 years at how he wants to make his life better, marry me etc.....nothing has changed since day one....except he has become crueler

 

He sounds abusive. The abusive ones are always super nice after a mean spell - its overcompensating for the mean part.

 

Sounds like he has a drinking problem.

 

I can't imagine why you want him anywhere near your life...

 

Sid you change the locks? Block his number?

 

There ARE steps you CAN take to keep him away.

 

I hope you do!

[crude]

How does this differ from a 29 year old woman who's mooching off a 43 year old man? She's never called an abuser and a bad girl or even a mooch. Who tells her to WOMAN up and get a job? It's looked upon as normal for a female adult to live off a male adult, without a care in the world. I don't see why myself.

[CC12]

He showed his cruel colors today via text and I told him the camels back is broken and to leave me alone

 

That's a good first step. Is he leaving you alone, now? Did you change your phone number or anything?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

No, he didn't have motivation before we started dating. Video games drinking beer and poor choices is what I've learnt from his ex. I had hopes back then though that he would get his **** together, He has talked for 2 years at how he wants to make his life better, marry me etc.....nothing has changed since day one....except he has become crueler

 

Why don't you just date a good-looking younger guy that has a job?

 

I'm 26 with a good job and am quite self-sufficient and ambitious. I've dated women 10+ years older than me. We do exist.....ESPECIALLY if you're hot (which you claim to be).

[agirlhere]

Why don't you just date a good-looking younger guy that has a job?

 

I'm 26 with a good job and am quite self-sufficient and ambitious. I've dated women 10+ years older than me. We do exist.....ESPECIALLY if you're hot (which you claim to be).

 

Lol...he does have a job. To be honest, I've never dated anyone younger then me, and it took a lot of soul searching to be " ok " with this. It certainly adds some new dynamics to a relationship. I'm not sure I would ever go this road again.

I wouldn't have any problems finding someone else, I am a great girl, and yes, good looking as well. Questions for you....do you date 10+ years older women with hopes of a future? Why, in your experience do guys your age want an older woman? Do you think this guy I am with is the norm for that age group in today's society?

[Imajerk17]

No, I think you just used HORRIBLE judgement.

 

You might want to think about what attracted you to him and why you went for him in the first place despite his issues.

 

WTF is it with the women on here lately going for all these "bad news" types? I'm trying not to be mean here, but this boggles my mind. I'm wondering how both you agirl and TKizz could possibly be so [i censored myself to be nice]. Seriously ladies, if you're really that attractive, can't you find yourselves better men?

Edited April 16, 2013 by Imajerk17

[agirlhere]

No, I think you just used HORRIBLE judgement.

 

You might want to think about what attracted you to him and why you went for him in the first place despite his issues.

 

WTF is it with the women on here lately going for all these "bad news" types? I'm trying not to be mean here, but this boggles my mind. I'm wondering how both you agirl and TKizz could possibly be so [i censored myself to be nice]. Seriously ladies, if you're really that attractive, can't you find yourselves better men?

 

In the beginning, he was SWEET, said all the right things, " your beautiful, I love being with you, you are such a great mom. He would roll over in the middle of the night, wake up and say I love you, he surprised me with things, he also had such big plans for himself. I believed him and fell in love with him. I never overlooked the **** stuff when it happened, we would talk about it, he would promise to change because he loved me so much.....anyway long story of him promising to change, never changing. I guess I thought ( or hoped) I was special enough.....that's what it all boils down to.....my life long never feeling like I measured up and trying harder then mentally/ emotionally healthy to get him to SEE that I'm worth it. MY issues for sure!

It has truly nothing to do with bad boy syndrome....I've known great guys in my life, gentlemen, men who have treated me like a lady. THAT is what I prefer. I want a guy who thinks I hang the moon....I don't mind some harsh comments, I GET how simple this may look from the outside....on the inside its a twisted , manipulative emotional mind game.

[xpaperxcutx]

So a year's passed- doesn't that make him 30?

 

I'm sorry to hear your story, but you really need to decide what's the right thing for you. It's one thing to say you want out but it's another entirely when your actions do not match your words.

 

If you continue to keep in contact with him you're the only one to blame for your misery. What's keeping you tied to him? If you have the means to change your number, change your locks, or even put in a restraining order, why haven't you done anything that tells us you are moving on?

[FitChick]

We teach people how to treat us.

[CC12]

why haven't you done anything that tells us you are moving on?

 

Seriously. You've ignored people's questions about what you're actually doing to get yourself out of this situation, and instead you're just kind of chatting about your relationship in general and lol-ing about things.

 

I'll ask again. Is he leaving you alone since you told him to? What is the status of your relationship right now?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Lol...he does have a job. To be honest, I've never dated anyone younger then me, and it took a lot of soul searching to be " ok " with this. It certainly adds some new dynamics to a relationship. I'm not sure I would ever go this road again.

I wouldn't have any problems finding someone else, I am a great girl, and yes, good looking as well. Questions for you....do you date 10+ years older women with hopes of a future? Why, in your experience do guys your age want an older woman? Do you think this guy I am with is the norm for that age group in today's society?

 

My case was a little different. The woman I was dating (well, more like hooking up with) was a 34 year old with 3 kids and a husband. I was 21. She was VERY hot (fake boobs and all), the typical hot blond except a bit older.

 

She wanted to leave her husband for me, but I wasn't about to do that lol.

 

So yeah, very different situation from what you're in. That was purely for sex.

 

However, my current commanding officer is very attractive and extremely intelligent and 10 years older than me. She's married and faithful, but, if she was single, I'd definitely date her.....for the same reason anybody dates anybody: she's hot, smart, and awesome.

[2sunny]

We teach people how to treat us.

 

We train people how to treat us.

 

You've trained him to treat you poorly - and rewarded his bad behavior by staying.

 

Have you changed your locks yet? Changed your phone number?

 

It continues because YOU ALLOW it to continue!

 

Nothing changes when nothing changes!

 

Another 5 or 10 years down the road - you'll till be complaining about this same jerk unless YOU take the ACTION to eliminate him from your life!

 

It's not HIS fault - it's YOUR'S - your's for keeping him around!

[agirlhere]

I appreciate all of your responses, the good the bad and the ugly.

I haven't responded, NOT because I come on here to just discuss my relationship , do nothing about it and lol about things.

Real life has had me quite busy, and quite frankly there are some days that I don't even want to think about this.

I asked him to leave and take his stuff last week. He has tried the sweet texting that has always gotten me back in the past, but it's not working this time. I think he also realizes this.

I feel....relief, peace, sadness and some anger. The sadness and anger come from my ego I think. Sad that things didnt work out like I'd hoped, sad that I wasn't enough for him to pull his **** together, angry at him for the same things too I guess. I'm also a bit upset with myself for letting it get to this point, for letting him make me his door mat and sticking around to be trampled on for so long. In my work life, raising my kids, I can be tough and " get the job done" in my last two relationships, I literally knew it wasn't working, and still stuck it out to the point of ridiculous. THAT is what I gotta figure out. Why??

I'm working on figuring this out, and am getting to a better place in my head as to why. Ego, insecurities, and being a miss fix it are issues I will be moving forward to work on.

So....that's where I'm at

[StanMusial]

I appreciate all of your responses, the good the bad and the ugly.

I haven't responded, NOT because I come on here to just discuss my relationship , do nothing about it and lol about things.

Real life has had me quite busy, and quite frankly there are some days that I don't even want to think about this.

I asked him to leave and take his stuff last week. He has tried the sweet texting that has always gotten me back in the past, but it's not working this time. I think he also realizes this.

I feel....relief, peace, sadness and some anger. The sadness and anger come from my ego I think. Sad that things didnt work out like I'd hoped, sad that I wasn't enough for him to pull his **** together, angry at him for the same things too I guess. I'm also a bit upset with myself for letting it get to this point, for letting him make me his door mat and sticking around to be trampled on for so long. In my work life, raising my kids, I can be tough and " get the job done" in my last two relationships, I literally knew it wasn't working, and still stuck it out to the point of ridiculous. THAT is what I gotta figure out. Why??

I'm working on figuring this out, and am getting to a better place in my head as to why. Ego, insecurities, and being a miss fix it are issues I will be moving forward to work on.

So....that's where I'm at

 

At least you're trying.

[CC12]

I asked him to leave and take his stuff last week.

 

Good for you! Stick to it!

 

He has tried the sweet texting that has always gotten me back in the past, but it's not working this time.

 

I'd like to suggest that you just block him from contacting you in any way. There's really nothing else that needs to be said between you two, and you don't want to put yourself in a position where you might have a moment of weakness where he says the right combination of words that make you forgive him. I think that is a very real danger, because you don't seem like you're in a place where you're like, "Ugh, **** that guy, I'm so done." You kind of seem like you know logically that you should be like "I'm so done" but emotionally you just aren't really there yet. Remove the temptation to get back with him by cutting him out completely.

 

THAT is what I gotta figure out. Why??

 

I don't know, but I'll play internet therapist for a minute. Did your parents love each other? Growing up, did you ever witness a healthy, loving relationship and learn what that looks like? Do you feel like you don't deserve a good relationship with a decent person?

[ja123]

You may want to read up on codependency to look for understanding. There's also a good book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Foward, and a website called baggagereclaim.

 

Stay strong!

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by agirlhere

THAT is what I gotta figure out. Why??

[agirlhere]

You're right CC, emotionally I'm feeling rejected in a sense, not good enough, sad. I want him to WANT me back, and it literally makes my heart ache when I don't get a text from him. That is so messed up because he treated me like absolute ****! I know I don't want a relationship with him, but I want him to want one with me still. My mind is literally obsessing over this at times.

The truth of the matter is, it's not him it's me. My previous relationship literally followed the same heartbreak path as this one, and I did not handle it well inside. On the outside I'm ok, the inside is a whole different story.

Here is a brief history, because I will take Internet therapy!

My parents are still together. My dad was a drinker growing up, not a staggering tripping drinker, but beer every night drinker. What came out of him when he was drunk was mean! his words, mostly to my mom were so mean...she just sat back and took it....always. He would say things about her in front of us, to us, it didnt matter. These are the memories that stand out about my dad. Other then he was a hard worker, an amazing provider. We had everything we wanted as kids. His meanness was directed at us kids as well, usually with the tone of being disappointed in us, embarrassed of behaviours as teens, his kids didn't measure up.

It wasn't always the booze that brought this out in my dad, he could be dead sober and brutally mean. He has had me in tears even as an adult. He is a very controlling man, and his way is the right way, end of story. My mom still does not stand up ( well maybe a tiny bit more then she did) he tells her she's stupid, gets mad if the phone rings and she doesn't hear it, yells at her for burning things....gawd it goes on and on.

Thing is I love this man with all my heart. I decided along time ago that he was never going to change, and he was my dad so I needed to accept him as he was.

My sister was different, she told him straight out what she thought of his cruelty. I always felt bad for him when she did that....

My first boyfriend. I was 16, we were together for 8 years...wonderful guy, but very controlling. We did what he wanted, we left parties when he said, he slept around on me. I broke up with him after 8 years, moved away, moved on. I was devastated however when he moved on and I pathetically groveled my way back to him ( left all dignity at the curb). I chased him, caught him, chased him caught him all the while feeling worthless. I remember the day clearly when I " knew" I had enough.....that was it for me. I was done. The bad part was that I decided this AFTER I'd lost all dignity.

I then met my husband, we were married 15 years. He did not treat me badly, he would do anything for me.we had kids, busy lives and we kinda lost our connection. I left him 4 years ago. I went straight into a relationship , which ended after a year, and then straight into this one that lasted 2. My last 2 relationships pretty much followed the same path as far as being mean, and hurtful, screwing around...ME chasing them afterward to the point of zero dignity. So where I am now is leaving.....my recent relationships "sleep around" was 6 months ago. It devastated me...even though I knew it would probably happen.

WOW...that was therapeutic.

I would love some Internet therapy, because, I'm honestly a beautiful, bright, funny, sweet and loving woman and I HATE that girl above.

[CC12]

I forgot if you said before whether you're currently in therapy. If not, you should consider it, because as helpful as it is venting on the internet and getting feedback, none of us here are professionals so obviously take it all with a grain of salt.

 

No offense, but you seem like you have basically zero standards or requirements of how people treat you. You need to demand better for yourself. And don't get so attached to anyone that it's too hard to disassociate yourself if they treat you badly. You need to not need a man.

 

What happened with your husband who treated you well? The way you described it, it kind of sounds like maybe you just got bored. Maybe that's because, even though you logically know how things should be, you're more comfortable with constant negativity and emotional beat-downs because that's what you grew up with. I don't know, just some thoughts.

 

Have you spoken to your most recent ex-boyfriend at all? Is he still texting you?

[ForeverHopeful1]

How does this differ from a 29 year old woman who's mooching off a 43 year old man? She's never called an abuser and a bad girl or even a mooch. Who tells her to WOMAN up and get a job? It's looked upon as normal for a female adult to live off a male adult, without a care in the world. I don't see why myself.

 

I would assume she was a mooch and he was a Sugar Daddy. Lol. So yes, it does go both ways in my world.

[outsidethebox]

You're right CC, emotionally I'm feeling rejected in a sense, not good enough, sad. I want him to WANT me back, and it literally makes my heart ache when I don't get a text from him. That is so messed up because he treated me like absolute ****! I know I don't want a relationship with him, but I want him to want one with me still. My mind is literally obsessing over this at times.

The truth of the matter is, it's not him it's me. My previous relationship literally followed the same heartbreak path as this one, and I did not handle it well inside. On the outside I'm ok, the inside is a whole different story.

Here is a brief history, because I will take Internet therapy!

My parents are still together. My dad was a drinker growing up, not a staggering tripping drinker, but beer every night drinker. What came out of him when he was drunk was mean! his words, mostly to my mom were so mean...she just sat back and took it....always. He would say things about her in front of us, to us, it didnt matter. These are the memories that stand out about my dad. Other then he was a hard worker, an amazing provider. We had everything we wanted as kids. His meanness was directed at us kids as well, usually with the tone of being disappointed in us, embarrassed of behaviours as teens, his kids didn't measure up.

It wasn't always the booze that brought this out in my dad, he could be dead sober and brutally mean. He has had me in tears even as an adult. He is a very controlling man, and his way is the right way, end of story. My mom still does not stand up ( well maybe a tiny bit more then she did) he tells her she's stupid, gets mad if the phone rings and she doesn't hear it, yells at her for burning things....gawd it goes on and on.

Thing is I love this man with all my heart. I decided along time ago that he was never going to change, and he was my dad so I needed to accept him as he was.

My sister was different, she told him straight out what she thought of his cruelty. I always felt bad for him when she did that....

My first boyfriend. I was 16, we were together for 8 years...wonderful guy, but very controlling. We did what he wanted, we left parties when he said, he slept around on me. I broke up with him after 8 years, moved away, moved on. I was devastated however when he moved on and I pathetically groveled my way back to him ( left all dignity at the curb). I chased him, caught him, chased him caught him all the while feeling worthless. I remember the day clearly when I " knew" I had enough.....that was it for me. I was done. The bad part was that I decided this AFTER I'd lost all dignity.

I then met my husband, we were married 15 years. He did not treat me badly, he would do anything for me.we had kids, busy lives and we kinda lost our connection. I left him 4 years ago. I went straight into a relationship , which ended after a year, and then straight into this one that lasted 2. My last 2 relationships pretty much followed the same path as far as being mean, and hurtful, screwing around...ME chasing them afterward to the point of zero dignity. So where I am now is leaving.....my recent relationships "sleep around" was 6 months ago. It devastated me...even though I knew it would probably happen.

WOW...that was therapeutic.

I would love some Internet therapy, because, I'm honestly a beautiful, bright, funny, sweet and loving woman and I HATE that girl above.

 

You do realize in that story that you left the only guy that treated you well. And that you sort of relish the groveling for guys that are mean to you.

 

Most of us have seen those women that always complain but would never leave a man who abuses her because she "loves" him. So then everyone says they need therapy, but they may prefer it, I don't know.

 

The fact that you're already complaining about the guy not contacting you after you tried to end it means you're not going to end it.

 

Maybe you like this more than a boring life alone? I prefer the boring life alone to drama.