freeloader? or just oblivious

[agirlhere]

my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. age difference is huge, 29, I'm 43.

I have my own place, and a job I am pretty stable at. he just left a three year relationship before we met, and was pretty much starting over ( living at home) I didn't let that get to me too much in the beginning, because I really didn't think we would be here a year down the road, and in the meantime we fell in love. I admit sex has been fantastic, but more then that, we just truly enjoy being in each others space. after a year still very loving........except.....he has been staying here most of the time and contributes....nothing, and rarely lifts a finger to help. I would describe him as a bit lazy and unmotivated. why do I love him so much!! I am a good lookin, self sufficient woman, it's not that I don't think I could find anyone else....I know I can, I also know I can find someone who will pitch in and not ....freeload?? I guess I am admitting this out loud for the first time....I don't pay for things for him, or anything like that, I just pay my bills, buy my groceries and he reaps the benefits.....for nothing. we've argued about this before, and he doesn't really have a reason, just tells me that he will change.....never does, so I get upset again, says hell change and doesn't. last night I had it and told him how I felt again. he left and I have not heard from him since...his new big adult plan is to rent an apartment with his womanizer friend ( while in the same breath tells me he loves me and wants to marry me someday)

is it just the age difference that I am witnessing? are there really 29 year olds who haven't gotten their life together ( he has a son as well)

I'm not sure what I am even asking here....venting a bit I guess....but my head feels "freeloader" my heart feels sad, and broken......did I really waste a year of my life on a loser? he thinks when he puts a cup in the dishwasher once a week, he pitched in....truly...can someone really be this oblivious?

[veggirl]

So, he eats your food and lives in your place rent free? Does he contribute to utilities? ANYTHING? Does he have a job? How does he support his son? What kinda dad is he? He sounds like a complete loser. Umm...is this like a midlife crisis type thing, just wanting a younger guy? Otherwise I don't get it. Why would a put together woman want a loser manchild to support? Do you have to support HIS kid too?

 

Yeah, he is a freeloader.

[Ninjainpajamas]

That's the power of good sex/lovin.

 

I'm sure what attracted you to this guy initially wasn't necessarily for the long-term, you were in a place where you were willing to fool around with this guy and just have a good time. Or maybe he grew on you, It really doesn't matter honestly what the reason was but the point is...

 

I think now you have to realize that even though you've developed some emotions for him, this is a guy that's not good at putting his life together. I mean he's already got a daughter and If that's not motivation for a man to get off his ass and improve his life, what is? You shouldn't have to parent him and tell him what he needs to do, you're starting to sound like his mother and guardian, not sure how sexy that is to me.

 

There's guys who got their lives together at 29, but there are also guys who haven't...and It's probably because he doesn't WANT to...do you see that there? he's not making the decision and effort for himself, so what kind of motivation do you think you'll possibly give him?

 

He's basically leaned on you and used you for a crutch in his life, you've tolerated this situation...typical womanly threats that man know they never have to take seriously because in the end you just submit...and wallah, you have the perfect situation of someone leeching on you while you do all the work...you let it slide this far, now he's not interested in putting the effort in or changing, you should have thought at that in the beginning before letting him lean on you so much and you just let him ride it out..

 

Yes...you did waste a year of your life on this guy, I'm sure he'll marry you someday....just like he'll get his own place one day...and his life together...etc..::insert list of things on his to-do list:: but he's just a procrastinator and until someone puts the fire under his ass real hot I doubt he's going to get moving...I mean why would he? sounds like he has a sweet deal...do you need him to tell you that for you to believe it?

 

Put your emotions aside, It's time to use your head....or this one year will turn into two, three, four..and guess what? don't necessarily expect much of a change.

[agirlhere]

you made me laugh....thank you! yes, he has a job, and pays support, no, he doesn't pay me anything:sick:

as far as what kind of dad he is, he loves his son dearly, however is not overly motivated in that department either......gawd

mid life crisis.....no I don't think so, I wasn't looking, he came along...I didnt expect a "relationship" out of this, we just clicked right away, started hanging out and here I am. I love him very much he can be incredibly loving and sweet....he can also be cruel and disrespectful at times as well.

[agirlhere]

ninja...you are right, I was looking to just enjoy and he grew on me, it really is that simple, what complicates it for me is I love him.

your whole reply has actually made me think....do I know this ninja in pajamas fella??

you hit the nail on the head with most of what you said. I have felt like his mother, I feel that is what he wants is to be taken care of.

I am a smart woman....damn me!!! I knew long before now that this is perhaps not my best relationship scenario, but I truly just kept hoping he would change.

i feel like an idiot for falling for his sweet words and charm. I feel like an idiot because I know better and even did all the way through this, I just couldn't stop giving him chances because I am an absolute pushover, and have been his doormat. ( I needed to do that to myself..... the yelling just then .....did I ruin this?? if I had been tougher in the beginning? or do you think he would have just hit the road back then....I'm asking your opinion for future reference, I've always just considered myself giving, always looking for the best in people etc

[CarrieT]

You sound exactly like me with my longest relationship - except without the age difference....

 

I met this guy when I was 28 and he was 25. I was in the middle of getting my Master's degree and he worked nights at a porno store so that he could work with his band during the day. He didn't have a driver's license (because the band had tour buses that drove them to gigs) or a high school diploma.

 

A dozen years later, when I was approaching my 40th birthday, I realized I had become this guys mother. All he was capable of doing was being a night stock clerk at Target. He never did get his driver's license, only wore jeans and t-shirts, and wouldn't eat anything but toast or cookies if I didn't cook a real meal. He was a complete and total freeloader as I worked three jobs to keep us afloat.

 

But I loved him.... :confused:

 

 

Yeah - love makes us do stupid things sometime. I should have broken up with him YEARS before but I kept hearing him tell me that things were going to change. He was going to change.

 

And you know what? We've been apart for almost eight years and nothing has changed for him whatsoever. He is a complete and total loner, incapable of having an adult relationship because I coddled him for so long. He is still a night stock clerk at Target and has to take the bus to work. Pretty pathetic, huh?

[Ninjainpajamas]

ninja...you are right, I was looking to just enjoy and he grew on me, it really is that simple, what complicates it for me is I love him.

your whole reply has actually made me think....do I know this ninja in pajamas fella??

you hit the nail on the head with most of what you said. I have felt like his mother, I feel that is what he wants is to be taken care of.

I am a smart woman....damn me!!! I knew long before now that this is perhaps not my best relationship scenario, but I truly just kept hoping he would change.

i feel like an idiot for falling for his sweet words and charm. I feel like an idiot because I know better and even did all the way through this, I just couldn't stop giving him chances because I am an absolute pushover, and have been his doormat. ( I needed to do that to myself..... the yelling just then .....did I ruin this?? if I had been tougher in the beginning? or do you think he would have just hit the road back then....I'm asking your opinion for future reference, I've always just considered myself giving, always looking for the best in people etc

 

what complicates it for me is I love him.

 

It is a woman's greatest strength and ironically her greatest weakness....It is what allows her to accept the unacceptable and when It comes time to pay...the tab Is/was rather large.

 

your whole reply has actually made me think....do I know this ninja in pajamas fella??

you hit the nail on the head with most of what you said.

 

Ha, it is very likely we do not know each other....I just know guys like him very well, and men in general, I comment on this website quite frequently.

i feel like an idiot for falling for his sweet words and charm. I feel like an idiot because I know better and even did all the way through this, I just couldn't stop giving him chances because I am an absolute pushover, and have been his doormat.

 

That's how it starts, one chance, then two chances, then infinite...you know it's just kind of a downward spiral, a snowballing affect, and because your bark is bigger than your actual bite you don't follow through and you allow yourself to continue when you shouldn't...which only works against you because you get closer to the person and develop more emotions.

 

His words and charms is what allows him to manipulate women, It's his bread and butter...turn it up and to lay it on thick to get what you want, but then when the act is over you show who you are really with disrespect and rudeness...I guarantee you don't know or see who this man really is because you're stuck on the beginning..that charm and loving act that he puts on to win you over whenever he needs you to.

 

Whenever somebody does that they are someone who manipulates the situation in their best interest, showing you his true colors and the person he is when it boils over (because it's hard to be THAT guy all of the time), then you get a peak into it and question it and try to ignore/overlook it...but it just gets worse as times goes on.

 

( I needed to do that to myself..... the yelling just then .....did I ruin this?? if I had been tougher in the beginning? or do you think he would have just hit the road back then....

 

I think regardless of what you did it would have ended up this way because he wouldn't have listened or changed, this guy is this way, trust me he just didn't just wake up like this yesterday or because he was bouncing back from a relationship.

 

As far as helping around the house and accepting more responsibility, maybe a little bit more but nothing like you're thinking...this guy needs his own place to do all that.

 

You should have left in the beginning, you should have cut it off before developing any strong emotions...you should have taken a step back, looked at the guys life as a whole, found out who he really is and what he is about objectively before you started dipping your head in the clouds...once you do that the man has all the power and you'll be "in love" or love him or whatever to leave, ask every woman out there putting up with BS from their whoever and It's always the same answer and 9 out of 10 times they stick around anyway, and then they are upset at the guy for wasting a good chunk of their life with said man.

 

Take some responsibility, use your head is my advice.

 

I've always just considered myself giving, always looking for the best in people etc

Give to the poor, the hungry, children w needs but don't give yourself to men for free and expect a big return, you've got to make sure you're giving but getting too....because If you just give give give a man, he'll just take take take, and then he becomes a accustomed to that. Sure there are some guys who will be givers too but It's a very "asking for it" kind of attitude, because this is a the dating world, not time to be a good samaratin.

 

You're only going to get what you demand/expect, If you settle for and "hope" and become "optimistic" welllll....good luck with that! Look at the results and facts, It'll give you a more realistic picture...which honestly I think women try to avoid looking at. The truth isn't always what you want it to be, in fact, It's usually much more clear cut than you're making it out to be...which you'll see in retrospect after the relationship, after you've regained an upper hand on your emotions.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Feelsgoodman]

my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. age difference is huge, 29, I'm 43.

Wait...you are dating a guy who is 14 years your junior and you're surprised that he's a freeloader? Really??

 

You get to have fantastic sex with a much younger man...he needs to get something in return. Men dating younger women have been dealing with the same problem for thousands of years

[agirlhere]

nasty! feels goodman

yes he is much younger, but I had been with a guy 10 years older prior, and trust me all ages have their issues. I truly thought ( once we got into this) that sure we will be going against the norm here, but hell we enjoy each other, and life is too short to fret about the future....it felt good at the time.

I had my **** together at 29, and then some. I just thought he was going through a bad spell.....and trust me when I say this....he was getting fantastic sex from an older woman.....he owed me a hell of alot more then dishpan hands in that respect

all in good humour from this end.

[agirlhere]

"NINJA....."His words and charms is what allows him to manipulate women, It's his bread and butter...turn it up and to lay it on thick to get what you want, but then when the act is over you show who you are really with disrespect and rudeness...I guarantee you don't know or see who this man really is because you're stuck on the beginning..that charm and loving act that he puts on to win you over whenever he needs you to"

 

I haven't figured out the quote part of this......

 

disrespect and rudeness is right....not always, but on occassion I have seen him snap.....on his ex in the beginning, I've seen him bitter towards his mom....and then about 5 months in.....I got it, and have gotten it a few times since....he has called me things I have never been called in my life..... good lord I'm seeing the light......you ninja have an amazing insight.....I want you as my personal therapist ......please

[xpaperxcutx]

Do not be tge Demi Moore to his Ashton kutcher.

[Imajerk17]

You fell for a guy who is mooching off of you, is an indifferent parent, and yet snaps at you from time to time... You realize what all this says about you, right?

 

I'm not trying to be mean here but I am going to be real with you. When you are back in the dating world and meet a guy who has his act together, he will end up questioning your judgment for this.

[Ninjainpajamas]

"NINJA....."His words and charms is what allows him to manipulate women, It's his bread and butter...turn it up and to lay it on thick to get what you want, but then when the act is over you show who you are really with disrespect and rudeness...I guarantee you don't know or see who this man really is because you're stuck on the beginning..that charm and loving act that he puts on to win you over whenever he needs you to"

 

I haven't figured out the quote part of this......

 

disrespect and rudeness is right....not always, but on occassion I have seen him snap.....on his ex in the beginning, I've seen him bitter towards his mom....and then about 5 months in.....I got it, and have gotten it a few times since....he has called me things I have never been called in my life..... good lord I'm seeing the light......you ninja have an amazing insight.....I want you as my personal therapist ......please

 

Basically means his words and charm is where all his "power" is, over you, and with every other woman.

 

For example, you're upset/disappointed, he clearly doesn't have a leg to stand on so what does he do? takes off, because he knows you're thinking about him and it's going to to get to you. Instead of fight you on something he can't win, he's just turning the tables on you and using your emotions against you while you sit there and think of him, while he regroups and gets ready for another round. He's gaining back the leverage so that you'll miss him and want him back.

 

So all he needs to do is something "sweet" or be "charming" just to get you back wrapped around your finger, It's that simple. Does it mean It's genuine? no, from a mans perspective I think he's just manipulating you, he's already figured out what buttons he can push and how to get what he wants from you at this point very likely.

 

He snaps at other people because he doesn't take the responsibility for anything on himself, he just blames his ex, blames his mother and blames you.

 

He's rude and disrespectful because It's partly how he keeps you submissive and he vents because he's not the real him all of the time, and then you question yourself and It makes you feel insecure with the way you think so you figure he knows what he's talking about and what he's doing because he probably sounds reasonable, and confident but in reality full of ***** because his words are greater than his actions.

 

Look, I can't be 100 percent accurate with every single little thing, because really, how much have you even told me about this guy? but It's pretty simple at least for me to interpret, unless he's from another planet then I don't expect to be too surprised by the likes of men and expect most of what he does to be predictable...If I could interrogate this guy for five minutes I'd make you see things you might never even know or think, because for the most part I've got his number already.

[FitChick]

Age has nothing to do with it. I'm sure he would be the same at 40.

 

This is why I'd rather vet someone online first and by phone before even meeting. I'd have eliminated someone like this as nothing but trouble. But then I am only dating for marriage, not "fun." Just goes to show again that you can develop feelings toward a FWB.

 

I hope you've tossed out all of his stuff so he has no excuse to come back.

[veggirl]

you made me laugh....thank you! yes, he has a job, and pays support, no, he doesn't pay me anything:sick:

as far as what kind of dad he is, he loves his son dearly, however is not overly motivated in that department either......gawd

mid life crisis.....no I don't think so, I wasn't looking, he came along...I didnt expect a "relationship" out of this, we just clicked right away, started hanging out and here I am. I love him very much he can be incredibly loving and sweet....he can also be cruel and disrespectful at times as well.

 

Gosh, not even motivated to take care of his kid, other than monetarily? That should be a dealbreaker in itself.

 

Beyond that, he can be cruel and disrespectful? Is that how you want to be able to describe the love of your life?

 

You have to get away from the "this just happened" mentality. You clicked and "here you are"? No no. There was stuff in between...you apparently let him move in...why? Just cause you couldn't say no? Or you were in love? Cmon girl!

 

I don't think the problem is your ages, date younger all you'd like, but a mature younger. Not a kid who I'm sorry is using you because you've allowed it. So cliche but SO TRUE, we teach people how to treat us. He already knows he can get away with what he wants, as long as he acts sweet and lovey in the knick of time. There is no salvaging this, I just don't think he respects you, maybe he's not even doing it on purpose, but it's the precedent you've set and at this point, a year in, it's second nature to him. Once someone has lost the need to respect you, you just can't get it back.

 

Just ditch him. Let him get an apartment with his friend. He'll come begging back, surely, but hopefully you will not allow him back in. You sound like a put together woman, other than this emotional fragility that welcomed a user like him, and you deserve a MAN who has as much to offer as you do. Once you clearly determine your boundaries and feel good enough about yourself to put them in place and okay with walking away if they are crossed, then you will attract good men (they could be 29 too!) who will respect them.

[agirlhere]

You fell for a guy who is mooching off of you, is an indifferent parent, and yet snaps at you from time to time... You realize what all this says about you, right?

 

I'm not trying to be mean here but I am going to be real with you. When you are back in the dating world and meet a guy who has his act together, he will end up questioning your judgment for this.

 

yes, I do realize what this says about me, and if my best friend was in my situation, I would tell her to give her head a shake....I see it all as clear as day.

I am certainly not proud of this....

Ive lost myself somewhere along the way,

[agirlhere]

I've told you just a small piece Ninja, but you have him described to a "T", every single thing you have said .....is him, things I've seen and thought myself, that I didn't tell you. I appreciate this more then you can possibly know.

he admitted to me early on that he has always been a sweet talker and has known what to say to get what he wants.....with others....in the past of course.

I tried to believe I was smarter then that, but I guess I have some work to do on me.

can you help me with that end of things too?? serious

[agirlhere]

Gosh, not even motivated to take care of his kid, other than monetarily? That should be a dealbreaker in itself.

 

Beyond that, he can be cruel and disrespectful? Is that how you want to be able to describe the love of your life?

 

You have to get away from the "this just happened" mentality. You clicked and "here you are"? No no. There was stuff in between...you apparently let him move in...why? Just cause you couldn't say no? Or you were in love? Cmon girl!

 

I don't think the problem is your ages, date younger all you'd like, but a mature younger. Not a kid who I'm sorry is using you because you've allowed it. So cliche but SO TRUE, we teach people how to treat us. He already knows he can get away with what he wants, as long as he acts sweet and lovey in the knick of time. There is no salvaging this, I just don't think he respects you, maybe he's not even doing it on purpose, but it's the precedent you've set and at this point, a year in, it's second nature to him. Once someone has lost the need to respect you, you just can't get it back.

 

Just ditch him. Let him get an apartment with his friend. He'll come begging back, surely, but hopefully you will not allow him back in. You sound like a put together woman, other than this emotional fragility that welcomed a user like him, and you deserve a MAN who has as much to offer as you do. Once you clearly determine your boundaries and feel good enough about yourself to put them in place and okay with walking away if they are crossed, then you will attract good men (they could be 29 too!) who will respect them.

 

that all hurt like hell, but you're right, so very right.

he is not living with me, I did not let him move in, not that that changes this situation one iota....I just feel better letting you know that

thank you for saying what you did, but how do I get there, to that place and woman who would NEVER have let this happen? because as I was going through it, I knew....I damn well knew....but here I am, a year later

[Imajerk17]

Well you can start by showing some self respect and break up with him. Like now....

[robaday]

I disagree with a lot of other posters here and feel they're being a little harsh on this guy.

 

a) property prices are so expensive now, and at least in the major cities (London, Sydney, etc) it is really common for people to still live at home

 

b) If he is living with his parents where else are you going to sleep? round at his house? he has no alternative at this present moment

 

c) If you invite someone round for dinner, it stands to reason that they would be eating. Some people can be incredibly passive aggressive and wait for things to build up, when the other person doesnt have a clue - dopey maybe, but loser?

 

d) you knew his situation, in fact thats probably what attracted you to him

 

e) Once a woman starts with ultimatum talks, any sensible man gets his jogging gear on. He couldnt win this one and is protecting himself.

 

My ex when I first met her was living with her parents because she was studying. She stayed at mine four nights a week, and yes ate my food and coffee and showered etc. When she became self sufficient she returned the favor. If I had told her "no babe, you cant have any toast or coffee for breakfast and you need to start chipping in on electricity and toilet paper" she would have probably fled.

[2sunny]

Don't see or talk to him again unless he brings you plenty of money. That was what you said you need to have evidence that he's not mooching off you (which he is) - he just expected you would go along with it - now you're not! Good for you!

 

He should be busy finding ways to wow you! To take you out! Wine and dine you and plan and pay for vacations!

 

Hanging around looking pretty and getting good sex- hes not much different than a prostitute. He's in it for whatever you're gonna allow him to take from you.

 

He takes off as soon as you require something of him- ahahaha- he's doing YOU a favor if he stays away!

 

Keep to that solid boundary. Expect more for yourself! Never settle!

[CC12]

a) property prices are so expensive now, and at least in the major cities (London, Sydney, etc) it is really common for people to still live at home

 

b) If he is living with his parents where else are you going to sleep? round at his house? he has no alternative at this present moment

 

I agree with this, but when you spend the majority of your time at someone else's place, you should be a conscientious guest and offer to chip in or help around the house. It sounds like he doesn't even clean up after himself. I think that's why people are calling him a loser (among other reasons - being cruel and disrespectful, is not "overly motivated" as a father.)

 

c) If you invite someone round for dinner, it stands to reason that they would be eating. Some people can be incredibly passive aggressive and wait for things to build up, when the other person doesnt have a clue - dopey maybe, but loser?

 

He does have a clue because they've argued about it in the past and he promised he'd change. He's not oblivious. He might not agree that he should help out, but he knows it bothers her and instead of changing his habits or just not spending all his time over there, he promises to change so she'll shut up about it for a while and he can go back to taking advantage of her. Whether this is intentional on his part or not, that's exactly how it's been playing out.

 

how do I get there, to that place and woman who would NEVER have let this happen?

 

Setting boundaries. Not ignoring red flags. Not letting someone else take advantage of you. Feeling confident enough in your convictions to be able to out a stop to a situation that you know is wrong.

 

So, what are you going to do about him?

[robaday]

My post came off a little strong.

 

Guess what concerns me is that there are far worse things someone can do in a relationship than not help out round at someone elses house.

 

She loves him, by the looks of it he hasnt ever cheated, and while she says he can be cruel and disrespecful shes mentioned like few incidents and we have very little to go off. Im assuming he isnt abusive, and from the sounds of it hes just a little lazy.

 

Im just looking at it from my view point of course. But if a 40 year old man was dating a 29 year old woman, im not so sure she would be called a loser - he would be expected to provide.

 

Also, after one year, the fact hes pretty much living with her is a pretty strong sign of commitment however you look at it - id be more worried if he was out clubbing and spending one night a week there - that would be using her.

 

Finally, if hes used to her treating him one way, thats the woman he knows. If he now has to start acting completely differently everything will just seem contrived. Id say its over.

[darkmoon]

OP can i use your free resturant too?

[CC12]

But if a 40 year old man was dating a 29 year old woman, im not so sure she would be called a loser - he would be expected to provide.

 

I think you're right, she wouldn't be called a loser, because in a situation like this she would likely be called an ungrateful, gold-digging bitch who is just using him for his money and his house.

 

Actually, "loser" is a much kinder way to put it.