Marry your Affair?

[standtall]

The fact is many As end up in happy Ms, just like many many people end up in bad Ms.

 

I would like to find your source of info on that one...I really doubt your statement.

 

 

I know a few couples who have married after having an A. Forget about the ones I know. Prince Charles and Camilla are a very good example. I think Faith Hill and Tim McGraw too. It really depends on the kind of people involved, how they handled falling for someone else while committed and whether it was true love or not.

 

Oh yeah, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. .

 

Also, I wouldn't put too much stock into your examples..they are all from very public figures, and I wouldn't use their relationships as a benchmark for normal or common.

 

 

 

The success of a marriage stemming from an affair is a non sequitur situation as a marriage is usually based on trust and love, an affair is based upon deception and love...it does not follow.

[Danie]

I know of some who've M'ed. It's really anyones guess if they are truly 'happy' or not. One in particular, not happy at all. Another, both happy as they can be.

 

I wonder tho...is thier happiess worth the pain inflicted to others?

 

Seriously, can you say the affair was worth the pain inflicted to others? Anyone care to answer that? If yes or no, can you answer how you came to this understanding?

[KeepMeInMind]

I wouldn't go so far as to say there are always trust issues. I have no trust issues at all with my wife nor does she have any with me.

 

There are certainly relationships that don't work out long term between affair partners, but there are also those that do. That isn't to say that the relationship doesn't automatically start out with some built in potholes at the beginning, but if the partnership was really "meant to be", then those can normally be patched up pretty quickly (all things considered) and the relationship grown from there.

 

 

I also think that most of those cases don't end up seeking message boards like this. For the most part, we only see the worst case scenarios, because GENERALLY SPEAKING, the ones who have happy endings don't come looking for places like this. The ones who are hurting do. Again...generally speaking.

[KeepMeInMind]

I married my affair- well I was separated at the time but it's close enough. She stuck with me though the divorce and made a great attempt at forming a bond with my kids. It's a difficult process and I give her a lot of credit for helping me through it.

 

Fast forward a few years and she's in an EA which we are working through (MC). I'm not sure it'll ultimately work out and would caution anyone considering this direction to really think it through and give yourself a lot of time. We waited three years to get married and that was not enough time- seriously.

 

 

I definitely agree with the time thing. I think counseling both individually and together is very important and should continue for quite a while. I would think. I haven't been there.

[Radagast]

 

The success of a marriage stemming from an affair is a non sequitur situation as a marriage is usually based on trust and love, an affair is based upon deception and love...it does not follow.

 

Ours was not based on "deception and love". It was based on trust between the two of us, and love between the two of us, just as any other long-term relationship is. We have no trust issues within our marriage. I did not lie to my wife, she did not lie to me, at any stage in our relationship. It is true that I was less than forthcoming in the beginning of the affair to my ex-wife, and that my ex-wife may have grounds for "trust issues" with me, but she and I no longer have any relationship so that issue is moot.

[Danie]

Ours was not based on "deception and love". It was based on trust between the two of us, and love between the two of us, just as any other long-term relationship is. We have no trust issues within our marriage. I did not lie to my wife, she did not lie to me, at any stage in our relationship. It is true that I was less than forthcoming in the beginning of the affair to my ex-wife, and that my ex-wife may have grounds for "trust issues" with me, but she and I no longer have any relationship so that issue is moot.

 

Is this not deception? Did you not love your OW? If these two statements are true then your affair was based in deception and love.

[MoneyWorld]

Seriously, can you say the affair was worth the pain inflicted to others? Anyone care to answer that? If yes or no, can you answer how you came to this understanding?

 

It's probably not the answer you are looking for, but yes I can say it was worth it at least for me.

 

How I came to the understanding? Well two parts really.

 

First, my first marriage was very destructive to both of us. We both had some pretty serious issues / disorders, and we were really destructive to one another. Of course neither one of us would admit to doing it, but we would always accuse each other of it. In hindsight I can see how I just made her disorders worse and how the things that she did / said just made my issues worse as well. There were things said and done on both sides that I look back on and just cringe. As much of a cop out as you may think it is, my affair didn't end my marriage, it just helped give me the support I needed at the time to get out of a bad situation. She quite possibly was doing the same thing on her end. I have no idea if she was having an affair or not. Maybe if she was, she was working towards the same goal as me - building up the ability to get out of the marriage. If you're drowning you grab onto whatever is near. I was lucky and grabbed a lifeboat. I could have just as easily grabbed a shark. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but looking back neither one of us had the desire or the ability to fix the problems in the relationship.

 

Second, and this sounds very selfish, but if given a situation where only one person can be happy (and given my history with my ex), I'm going to pick myself. My ex was miserable being married to me, as was I being married to her. Me having an affair on her, or her having an affair on me didn't take something good and make it bad. Having the opportunity to find happiness with someone else was just an opportunity that presented itself and one that I took.

 

We don't have any contact and haven't since the split, but I can easily say that if she had managed to get past her problems she would look back and be grateful that she got out of that marriage. If she couldn't get past her problems then she probably isn't around any longer. We were just very bad for each other and she knew it as well as I did.

[Danie]

It's probably not the answer you are looking for, but yes I can say it was worth it at least for me.

 

How I came to the understanding? Well two parts really.

 

First, my first marriage was very destructive to both of us. We both had some pretty serious issues / disorders, and we were really destructive to one another. Of course neither one of us would admit to doing it, but we would always accuse each other of it. In hindsight I can see how I just made her disorders worse and how the things that she did / said just made my issues worse as well. There were things said and done on both sides that I look back on and just cringe. As much of a cop out as you may think it is, my affair didn't end my marriage, it just helped give me the support I needed at the time to get out of a bad situation. She quite possibly was doing the same thing on her end. I have no idea if she was having an affair or not. Maybe if she was, she was working towards the same goal as me - building up the ability to get out of the marriage. If you're drowning you grab onto whatever is near. I was lucky and grabbed a lifeboat. I could have just as easily grabbed a shark. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but looking back neither one of us had the desire or the ability to fix the problems in the relationship.

 

Second, and this sounds very selfish, but if given a situation where only one person can be happy (and given my history with my ex), I'm going to pick myself. My ex was miserable being married to me, as was I being married to her. Me having an affair on her, or her having an affair on me didn't take something good and make it bad. Having the opportunity to find happiness with someone else was just an opportunity that presented itself and one that I took.

 

We don't have any contact and haven't since the split, but I can easily say that if she had managed to get past her problems she would look back and be grateful that she got out of that marriage. If she couldn't get past her problems then she probably isn't around any longer. We were just very bad for each other and she knew it as well as I did.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond in a thoughtful way. I do appreciate it. Really, I’m not looking for any particular answer, just honesty.

 

I have a couple of friends who absolutely love each other, have tried to be in a relationship together, but can’t seem to be happy with each other. I’m not sure what’s really going on with them but from the outside looking in I’d say they are both too controlling and too insecure to be in a healthy relationship together. The lady is married with nearly grown children and the man is on his 3rd marriage with one small child. Every time I see either of them they ask about the other…and you know they avoid each other like the plague now. You and your x wife don’t sound anything like them. Sounds like you all are better off now.

 

My husband had an affair, short lived and he’s very regretful…but it’s long since past and we’re doing great now. I’d have to say we are better than before…I think because we understand each other much better now. It’s really true, I think, to see a person’s true character you have to see them at their worst. Although, I can never say that his affair was worth the pain we all went thru…I can say that I’m grateful for all of my life lessons because the hard times are when we gain the most. What I really wish is that we could have learned all this in a much less hurtful way.

[standtall]

Ours was not based on "deception and love". It was based on trust between the two of us, and love between the two of us, just as any other long-term relationship is.

 

I wasn't talking about trust between the 2 of you, I was talking about the deception between yourselves and your BSs, as you said here.

 

It is true that I was less than forthcoming in the beginning of the affair to my ex-wife, and that my ex-wife may have grounds for "trust issues" with me, but she and I no longer have any relationship so that issue is moot.

 

 

We have no trust issues within our marriage. I did not lie to my wife, she did not lie to me, at any stage in our relationship.

 

As you have already admitting to lying to your first wife, then your words don't really mean a whole lot, the only person your deceiving here is yourself.

[MeiGuan]

Having an affair is not ethical. However, I recognize that there are good married woman out there that are mistreated by their husbands and are unhappy with their marriage. I believe that good women involved in bad marriages have the right to find love and be happy. Of course it is not ideal to find it while you are still legally married, but if it does happen, the husband is also to blame and I don´t think he should be upset.

[MoneyWorld]

Having an affair is not ethical. However, I recognize that there are good married woman out there that are mistreated by their husbands and are unhappy with their marriage. I believe that good women involved in bad marriages have the right to find love and be happy. Of course it is not ideal to find it while you are still legally married, but if it does happen, the husband is also to blame and I don´t think he should be upset.

 

I assume you meant to also include that there are good married men out there that are mistreated by their wives and are unhappy with their marriage as well? And that you believe that good men involved in bad marriages have the right to find love and be happy also?

 

And of course that if does happen that way, the wife is also to blame and you don't think she should be upset?

 

Just making sure...

[bentnotbroken]

Having an affair is not ethical. However, I recognize that there are good married woman out there that are mistreated by their husbands and are unhappy with their marriage. I believe that good women involved in bad marriages have the right to find love and be happy. Of course it is not ideal to find it while you are still legally married, but if it does happen, the husband is also to blame and I don´t think he should be upset.

 

 

WOW. If I stepped in something like this I would have wipe off the bottom of my shoe. No one has the right to do something wrong and then blame their partner for it. Women are no different than men. Integrity has no gender.

[irin]

theres no such thing as true love if its starts based someone else's pain!

[KeepMeInMind]

I don't think two wrongs make a right. But. If you treat someone like total crap and hurt them, what right do you have to be angry if they hurt you back?

 

That is the point that I got to. "He has hurt me so much that I don't care if I hurt him." (that was not the reason I did what I did. It was just something I said to myself at the time. Justification maybe?)

 

Again, not taking away the fact that what I did was wrong and only I am to blame for the mistakes I made.

[Danie]

Seems to me a lot of 'justification' has to happen for a MP to engage in an affair in the first place, seems to me there's a lot of score keeping going on in many people's minds. This score keeping is really just resentment that's left unchecked.

 

We use to live like that, way too much...and you know I never really realized how much we were keeping score until after the affair and after the reconciliation. Now, we live with the knowledge that keeping score isn't good for the marriage. If we want to stay married (to each other) we need to communicate. Sounds so simple...and it is so simple...but its something that we didn't do effectively in the past.

[KeepMeInMind]

I didn't keep score. It was way bigger than that. I was verbally abused. I wish I could say differently.

[Danie]

I don't know you or your situation so I must go on what you say....really, I'm just kind of mussing out loud.

 

You said she abused you. Did that made it ok for you to have an affair in your mind? I'd think, that this is keeping score to some extent. She verbally abused you, you didn't leave her for that (right? I really don't know), but you had an affiar (right?) and it was ok in your mind because she verbally abused you.

[KeepMeInMind]

I don't know you or your situation so I must go on what you say....really, I'm just kind of mussing out loud.

 

You said she abused you. Did that made it ok for you to have an affair in your mind? I'd think, that this is keeping score to some extent. She verbally abused you, you didn't leave her for that (right? I really don't know), but you had an affiar (right?) and it was ok in your mind because she verbally abused you.

 

He. No, I never said that it was okay to do.

 

I didn't leave sooner for financial reasons.

[MoneyWorld]

To clarify my comments above, I'm not saying anyone is justified or anything like that. My point was more to ensure or point out that this isn't a "man always wrong, woman always right" thing. That women can just as easily throw away a marriage as a man can.

 

The poster that was above me had specifically singled out women as being the victims and I attempted to spin it that it isn't a gender issue.

[jwi71]

I don't think two wrongs make a right. But. If you treat someone like total crap and hurt them, what right do you have to be angry if they hurt you back?

 

He would have every right to be hurt and angry.

Why wouldn't he?

It is, as you note later, a justification. He hurt me ergo I can hurt him back except HE deserves it (whereas you did not deserve to be hurt)

 

That is the point that I got to. "He has hurt me so much that I don't care if I hurt him." (that was not the reason I did what I did. It was just something I said to myself at the time. Justification maybe?)

 

Yup. Justification for wrongs you committed.

No judgement aimed at you at all. You were wrong (you admit as much) and are trying to soothe it over internally.

 

I would suggest an apology. You owe it based on YOUR actions.

 

That's gotta seem pretty crazy all things considered BUT try it anyway. You did him wrong regardless of how he treated you. So you owe it.

 

And it's not really for him anyway, it's for YOU.

[KeepMeInMind]

Sorry, I missed your post. I just went to bump this thread for more responses and saw it. I wasn't ignoring you!!

 

I did apologize to him on the day that I told him everything, and a couple times since that talk.

[StoneCold]

After the lesson from the first marriage.... I would have big apprehension about marrying anyone period again

[KeepMeInMind]

LOL That is how I felt when I first got involved with MM. I told him when I got divorced, I just wanted to be single, that love/marriage is overrated, etc. That changed very quickly. sigh.

[jphcbpa]

i read somewhere that less than 5% of AP end up married and 1% of those make it.

[KeepMeInMind]

i read somewhere that less than 5% of AP end up married and 1% of those make it.

 

 

Of those, how many actually WANTED to be together? I would venture to guess that the majority of affairs are booty calls. It is likely a small percentage that actually WANT to be together.

 

I still find those numbers very low. I've read anywhere from 35-65% of marriages affected by affairs end in divorce. The 65% leans towards those affairs where the married person actually leaves their spouse for the other person or are otherwise in love with the affair partner.