innocentbabe45 Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 About 3 months ago my sister's married friend found out about her husband's affair. However, according to written messages him and the OW wrote to each other as well as her confronting them both, it's revealed they never had sex but did everything else. On top of that, the man isn't very remorseful at all while she's still devastated. I heard he told her something like ''Well even if you do file for divorce it's not adultery since intercourse was never involved. At least I never had sex with her, etc..'' We're trying to help her cope with it and she wants to file for divorce. But can she file for adultery too? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Adultery can only be used in a handful of states. Yes, adultery is about the betrayal of trust, sex is just one of the instruments used to betray the trust. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 In my state ,you can file for divorce on the grounds of adultery if you have proof. Legally, adultery is sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. If they didn't have that, then she can't file under that category. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 About 3 months ago my sister's married friend found out about her husband's affair. However, according to written messages him and the OW wrote to each other as well as her confronting them both, it's revealed they never had sex but did everything else. On top of that, the man isn't very remorseful at all while she's still devastated. I heard he told her something like ''Well even if you do file for divorce it's not adultery since intercourse was never involved. At least I never had sex with her, etc..'' We're trying to help her cope with it and she wants to file for divorce. But can she file for adultery too? I unfortunately had a little experience myself in this area. Regrettable but it was many moons ago. My first wife was just a nag from the day we got married. I shared an office at the time with a cute blond. So when my wife would call me up once or twice a day, the tension could be heard over the phone by my coworker. Quite honestly it was embarrassing trying to tone down the demeanor of my ex-wife's phone conversations, but it was evident to the gal 6 feet away what was going on. She'd ask when I'd get off the phone, "Problems at home?" or "Everything okay?" and of course I'd say, yeah, we're good or something like that. We'd talk about it a little bit but I was newly married and just figured I'd get through the rough first few months. After about three months of working side-by-side, one night, our department went out for a drink together. She and I got to playing pac-man (yes, this was the early 80s) and had a good time together. We visited, laughed, and had a few drinks. I remember thinking to myself, this girl treats me so much better than what I'm dealing with at home. But it wasn't anything I intended to act on. It just felt good to have someone who wasn't ragging on me about something. Later that night, we were walking out to our cars. She ended up sitting in my car while her's warmed up. And it was that atmosphere and her telling me that she'd wished I wasn't already taken that led to what I would call an affair. But here's the thing. We went out two or three times a week from that point on. I loved it because I didn't have to go home to the griping high maintenance wife waiting for me at home. I had someone treating me as I wanted to be treated. How I was strong enough to resist the next step I don't know, but one night we were on her bed kissing and she asked me if we could do more. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I knew it was leading there eventually, but in my heart, I knew that I just couldn't go that far. I just couldn't cross the adultery line. It was hard enough to be dating this girl when I was married and being deceitful, let alone taking it to that level. Eventually, within a few weeks, I got my head together and realized this wasn't the answer and my wife and I worked it out. We lasted quite a number of years before my wife divorced me. I still have guilt over it even though I never had sexual intercourse with that girl, and trust me, my instincts wanted to very badly. I just figured I'd never be able to live with myself or face my wife. Do I consider it adultery? No. In the classic definition of adultery, sexual intercourse takes place and it's consensual. Do I consider it an affair? Yes. It most definitely was an affair. Either way, it was wrong, and so is the husband of this woman for downplaying what he did. Just because he didn't take it that far means it's okay. But he appears to be putting a positive spin on his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
analystfromhell Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I sensed another question in your post- perhaps it's not adultery in the legal sense and even if it were, that's not regarded as significant in most states. However, in the personal, emotional sense and from my personal experience, the act of sex is the most dramatic but not what really destroys the relationship. It's the bond of trust which has been destroyed which defined adultery to me and without knowing the details and just based on his reaction I think it's clear the bond has been shattered. What he did or didn't do is secondary to how she feels about the relationship now and what will make her happy(er). Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I sensed another question in your post- perhaps it's not adultery in the legal sense and even if it were, that's not regarded as significant in most states. However, in the personal, emotional sense and from my personal experience, the act of sex is the most dramatic but not what really destroys the relationship. It's the bond of trust which has been destroyed which defined adultery to me and without knowing the details and just based on his reaction I think it's clear the bond has been shattered. What he did or didn't do is secondary to how she feels about the relationship now and what will make her happy(er). Great post! I do not know about the legal definition, but adultery is whatever your spouse would define it to be. If you would'nt say it, look at it, touch it, or flirt with it while your spouse stands beside you, then you have crossed a line of fidelity. If a man gave your friend oral, how would her H define that? It's a huge violation of trust, and those who play semantics are either horribly immature or guilty. With his attitude, as if what he did wasn't technically wrong, I'd file for D. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Yes it's still adultry and cheating! Just because they didn't have physical sex, like penis in vagina, means nothing. However, according to written messages him and the OW wrote to each other as well as her confronting them both, it's revealed they never had sex but did everything else. Chances are they DID have sex, but would never admit that with words (emails, texts etc) let alone admit it outloud hense him saying ''Well even if you do file for divorce it's not adultery since intercourse was never involved. At least I never had sex with her, etc..'' just means he's protecting his own ass on this. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Maybe not legally since there must be proof. But the BS will sure think it is. If there's an email that clearly shows things were heading towards adultery, then even the judge will see infidelity. I doubt it will help the WS' cause. Perception is everything... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I heard he told her something like ''Well even if you do file for divorce it's not adultery since intercourse was never involved. At least I never had sex with her, etc..'' We're trying to help her cope with it and she wants to file for divorce. But can she file for adultery too? In may state, adultery is defined as 750.29 Adultery; definition. Sec. 29. Definition - Adultery is the sexual intercourse of 2 persons, either of whom is married to a third person. So, by law she could not in my state as an emotional affair does not qualify as adultery.Then, you have to prove it based on 51%...not a reasonable doubt. Besides, most states are "no fault" unless you enter into a convenant marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Feliciti Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I do not know about the legal definition, but adultery is whatever your spouse would define it to be. What is "Illegal" and what isn't, is unimportant. This is really all that matters. You set boundaries, guidelines of what is okay, and what isn't. Unwritten rules, so to speak. By dating someone without consent from your significant other, you have commited adultery in the moral sense. He can claim he haven't all he wants, the one he has to convince is her, which isn't all that likely to happen with those kinds of words. But legally... Why is it even important if it is adultery in the legal definition? To rip cash from him? Breaking up and getting him out of her life should be the most important thing right now. How much money you can withdraw from him shouldn't be of any importance. Not unless you want to devolve to his level. Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 In may state, adultery is defined as 750.29 Adultery; definition. Sec. 29. Definition - Adultery is the sexual intercourse of 2 persons, either of whom is married to a third person. So, by law she could not in my state as an emotional affair does not qualify as adultery.Then, you have to prove it based on 51%...not a reasonable doubt. Besides, most states are "no fault" unless you enter into a convenant marriage. That may be in your state but not in every one. You don't have to catch two people screwing in order for it to be to be classified as adultery. Conversations recorded is another tactic. But yes ultimately, it won't even matter since courts today don't care whether there's cheating involved. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 My D is in a messy divorce right now. Her H cheated long term with 2 different OW(at the same time), who both informed my D when they realized what he had done. They have provided all documentation necessary for her to file on the grounds of adultery. Her H spent lots of marital money and assets on these women, which my D is entitled to half of it all back.(5 years worth, 2 cars, and a condo) In my state, if you prove adultery, the marital assets are not divided 50/50, but 60/40.(13 states still provide this option) I'm glad he will have to pay for what he did to her and their D!(stole from them) If I lived in a no-fault state, where he would walk away scout free, I would be livid! Link to post Share on other sites
Feliciti Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) There's something I don't understand about this talk about "proving adultery"... Why with this vengeance? Is it because you just want to milk cash out of it, or is it some silly form of revenge for what he did? Seriously, if you've been happy with someone for 5+ years, is it really worth all those years to get a bit of cash and then live on with the memory of having gone out of the relationship in such a horrible fashion, instead of just getting out of it, knowing you deserved better? You can't tell me you feel you deserve better, if all you can think about is ripping as much money off the guy as possible because of this. I understand the hate. I understand the rage and frustrations. But not the greed. Revenge won't make anything better. EDIT: And for the record, in my country, suspicion is typically enough. With a reasonable argumentation, you easily judge someone of adultery. This law isn't even being taking into consideration to change, despite having estimates that show that 40 % of adultery cases are false, but still ends in favor of the woman. Of course, this only counts when a man is the accused, wheres a man needs proof to have a woman judged. Without proof, the case isn't even being considered for trail. Humanity has a long way to go before we are anywhere near gender equality. It seems all attempts at equalizing it makes it even more uneven. Edited March 20, 2012 by Feliciti 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 That may be in your state but not in every one. . Yea no kidding..that's why I said it. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 There's something I don't understand about this talk about "proving adultery"... Why with this vengeance? Is it because you just want to milk cash out of it, or is it some silly form of revenge for what he did? Seriously, if you've been happy with someone for 5+ years, is it really worth all those years to get a bit of cash and then live on with the memory of having gone out of the relationship in such a horrible fashion, instead of just getting out of it, knowing you deserved better? You can't tell me you feel you deserve better, if all you can think about is ripping as much money off the guy as possible because of this. I understand the hate. I understand the rage and frustrations. But not the greed. Revenge won't make anything better. EDIT: And for the record, in my country, suspicion is typically enough. With a reasonable argumentation, you easily judge someone of adultery. This law isn't even being taking into consideration to change, despite having estimates that show that 40 % of adultery cases are false, but still ends in favor of the woman. Of course, this only counts when a man is the accused, wheres a man needs proof to have a woman judged. Without proof, the case isn't even being considered for trail. Humanity has a long way to go before we are anywhere near gender equality. It seems all attempts at equalizing it makes it even more uneven. For me it was about what I felt I was owed by complying with his wishes. Money is what appealed to him more than the p*$$y so yes....money and all my demands were met. He felt his rep was more important than the dollars, so he agreed without question. You want to hit them like they hit you...in the gut. Mr. Messy's gut was his wallet. Add to the fact he thought I was too stupid to figure out what he was doing by hiding assets and cheating..made that gut punch from the parasite even more poetic. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Feliciti, If you are talking about my D's divorce, her H spent marital funds on his OW.(2 cars, a condo, jewelry, etc.) She is legally entitled to half of that money back.(as it was stolen from her) In my D's marriage her H totally neglected not only her, but their young daughter, during the whole 5 years he was cheating with the OW. She is simply trying to recoup her losses from being married to this loser. Link to post Share on other sites
Feliciti Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Feliciti, If you are talking about my D's divorce, her H spent marital funds on his OW.(2 cars, a condo, jewelry, etc.) This makes sense. I can see why you would want to take back what is rightfully yours. As you said, he practically "stole" the money from her. But trying to cope with the loss and neglect by carrying out revenge, is not something one should actively pursue. No matter the reason. It won't get you anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Feliciti, D is just fine, happy, and wanting to get this over with asap. However, STBXH is digging himself into a deeper hole by not complying with court orders concerning required paperwork. He also is now in a different job where he gets paid cash money but still not paying hardly any child support.(hiding funds) When D finally gets her day in court, in front of the judge, STBXH is going to be in a heap of trouble! Link to post Share on other sites
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