maysj18 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Is it an automatic deal breaker? I know a lot of people form very healthy relationships with partners they weren't attracted to at first, but what if the situation was reversed? What if you had high expectations and as soon as it starts to get heated, you don't feel it as strongly as you anticipated? Is this a common thing? Do you all think its still possible to get the sparks flying again?
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 ???? someone JUST made a thread about the same thing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/317853-predicting-sexual-compatibility Im just gonna past my responses. Theres no guessing. Only trial and error. Sometimes things hit off right away, sometimes it takes a little work. If you try for a bit and it doesnt work, then you will have your answer for sure. If it was bad then youd get over it like adults and work to make it better. If it didnt get better, then youd break up and move on amicably...like adults. Feel me?
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Describe 'at first'. Example: In my lifetime, of the tens of thousands of women I've met, I can name two whom I've been attracted to 'at first', meaning the moment we first encountered each other's presence. If that's the criteria, I'm mildly depressed
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 And to more directly answer your OP...Ive had attraction grow with someone I was not 'super' attracted to at first, but there was always a foundation in initial attraction. I feel thats necessary for a good physical relationship--having that initial attraction to set the tone for everything else. Ive also been super attracted to a girl and then have the sex be less than what I expected. You just work on it and continue so you can figure out if you two are compatible. Its not all or nothing the first couple times around...it takes time to learn what one another like in bed.
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Old fart disease..... Anything is possible but, personally, for myself, once the 'spark' is gone, not even a cattle prod can motivate any movement on it. However, that perspective derives from a spark which comes from love and intimacy rather than bodies sweatily mashing together so, for folks whose 'sparks' come strictly from sexual pleasures and their attendant attraction, I think it's entirely possible to recapture them without any other considerations. I often see this in married couples who hate each other but still have hot sex, even after divorce, because their 'spark' comes from sex and its chemistry. OTOH, when I fell 'out of love' with my exW, she repulsed me sexually. YMMV. 1
Author maysj18 Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 And to more directly answer your OP...Ive had attraction grow with someone I was not 'super' attracted to at first, but there was always a foundation in initial attraction. I feel thats necessary for a good physical relationship--having that initial attraction to set the tone for everything else. Ive also been super attracted to a girl and then have the sex be less than what I expected. You just work on it and continue so you can figure out if you two are compatible. Its not all or nothing the first couple times around...it takes time to learn what one another like in bed. I see. I've read a lot of posts where people say they didn't feel an immediate physical connection, but that it slowly grew overtime the more they worked on it; however, it's been rare that I've stumbled upon a post about someone who had all the attraction in the world for someone else, but they were disappointed when they finally reached the bedroom. I know that the first few times can be kind of a hit or miss. Everyone has different styles and certain styles don't always mesh at first, but what if you went out with someone you cared a lot for and were attracted to, but the first kiss was way off? Maybe I put too much pressure on kissing, but that is so important to me. It's hard for me to be turned on if the kissing is bad, so how would you work on that? 1
DontWorryBHappy Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I've definitely learned that attraction doesn't always have anything to do with sexual compatibility. To be blunt, you don't know if a guy's d*ick is gonna be too big for you even if you're attracted (yeah I've been there, it was huge, and he was a little more interested in getting off than making sure I was comfortable). But aside from that stuff, sex is about exploring someone's body AND pleasing them in ways that turn *them* on. And people's turn ons (or turn offs) are different from one girl or guy to the next... So you can't expect to have amazing sex with someone that you're into right away. It does happen sometimes, but that tends to occur when you get with someone who already is comfortable doing things in the way you do them. Usually there's a learning curve involved. 1
DontWorryBHappy Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I see. I've read a lot of posts where people say they didn't feel an immediate physical connection, but that it slowly grew overtime the more they worked on it; however, it's been rare that I've stumbled upon a post about someone who had all the attraction in the world for someone else, but they were disappointed when they finally reached the bedroom. I know that the first few times can be kind of a hit or miss. Everyone has different styles and certain styles don't always mesh at first, but what if you went out with someone you cared a lot for and were attracted to, but the first kiss was way off? Maybe I put too much pressure on kissing, but that is so important to me. It's hard for me to be turned on if the kissing is bad, so how would you work on that? Lol you just keep kissing the person . But I know what you mean. With my last ex, we had a different kissing style and I never really got used to it no matter how much we kissed. It did get better, but still not ideal. I sort of mentioned it to him a couple times (in a "not a big deal" sort of way) but at the end of the day he still kissed the way he kissed. I'd be lying if I said I didn't occasionally wish he kissed the way the ex before him did. With that ex, the kissing and sex and all that stuff just came natural right off the bat. Probably is one reason I had difficulty letting go of him, lol.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Well the way I see it, if you aren't sexual attracted to them in the beginning then you won't be at all. I've tried this many times, I would date a guy in hopes that the sexual attraction would grow as I got to know him, but it doesn't. It's one of those things where it's either there or it isn't. 1
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I see. I've read a lot of posts where people say they didn't feel an immediate physical connection, but that it slowly grew overtime the more they worked on it; however, it's been rare that I've stumbled upon a post about someone who had all the attraction in the world for someone else, but they were disappointed when they finally reached the bedroom. Ive never had attraction completely disappear. And I dont think people have had attraction grow with someone they found unattractive. As I said, I believe they needs to be some form of initial attraction as a base. Doesnt have to be huge though. Just some sort of attraction. Thats just my take I know that the first few times can be kind of a hit or miss. Everyone has different styles and certain styles don't always mesh at first, but what if you went out with someone you cared a lot for and were attracted to, but the first kiss was way off? Maybe I put too much pressure on kissing, but that is so important to me. It's hard for me to be turned on if the kissing is bad, so how would you work on that?First kiss be off and still have wicked passion later on? Def possible! My ex is an example. Our first kiss was very awkward. Hell the first several were awkward. We just had different kissing styles, and back then I assumed that if the kissing wasnt there, then we just didnt click. However, we liked each other so much that we just kept at it and meshed our styles. I ended up learning, for the first time in my life, what true passion felt like with someone. Once we got our own flow, things just erupted. Hell we both agreed that the way we kissed other people prior to dating each other was just boring. Our meshed style was definitely better for us, and its definitely what I now want when I meet new gals. It also helped that we were super attracted to one another. The only time I think 2 people should quit is when theyve worked on things and it just obviously isnt getting better.
somedude81 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Well the way I see it, if you aren't sexual attracted to them in the beginning then you won't be at all. I've tried this many times, I would date a guy in hopes that the sexual attraction would grow as I got to know him, but it doesn't. It's one of those things where it's either there or it isn't. I hate how once some women get their mind made up about a guy, it will never change. Guys can definitely have attraction build from nothing with a woman just by spending time with her. Why can't women?
chic_one Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I know that the first few times can be kind of a hit or miss. Everyone has different styles and certain styles don't always mesh at first, but what if you went out with someone you cared a lot for and were attracted to, but the first kiss was way off? Maybe I put too much pressure on kissing, but that is so important to me. It's hard for me to be turned on if the kissing is bad, so how would you work on that? I know what you mean, I am having a similar problem and it all started with kissing not being quite as great as I expected despite attraction and high hopes. For me, it seems to be getting better...but I worry that it signifies problems with overall sexual compatibility. Kaylan mentioned earlier on my post about similar issue that sometimes things take work...so maybe not a deal breaker, just see where it goes cause it might improve.
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I hate how once some women get their mind made up about a guy, it will never change. Guys can definitely have attraction build from nothing with a woman just by spending time with her. Why can't women? You sure about this? Ive never known a guy who gained attraction to a woman he never found attractive at all. And usually guys have it made up in their mind whether a chick is potential gf material and their minds wont change. So this isnt unique to women. I know Im this exact same way. 1
somedude81 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 You sure about this? Ive never known a guy who gained attraction to a woman he never found attractive at all. And usually guys have it made up in their mind whether a chick is potential gf material and their minds wont change. So this isnt unique to women. I know Im this exact same way. It's actually happened to me a few times. Where I developed feelings for women who were completely not my type, simply because I spent a lot of time with them. Though all the girls met my minimum criteria. Whether a girl is GF material or not is something completely different.
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 It's actually happened to me a few times. Where I developed feelings for women who were completely not my type, simply because I spent a lot of time with them. Though all the girls met my minimum criteria. Whether a girl is GF material or not is something completely different. You basically agreed with what I said before. A guy has to find a chick attractive at least at a basic level initially. If you found those chicks unattractive, they wouldnt of had a shot. The fact that they get through that first stage is what makes them potential girlfriends. Obviously for them to actually become your girlfriend, more stuff would come into the mix. 1
somedude81 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 You basically agreed with what I said before. A guy has to find a chick attractive at least at a basic level initially. If you found those chicks unattractive, they wouldnt of had a shot. The fact that they get through that first stage is what makes them potential girlfriends. Obviously for them to actually become your girlfriend, more stuff would come into the mix. But that's getting back to my original point. Overtime men can fall for women who meet their minimums. Though that doesn't seem to be the same way for women. Unless the average woman considers herself too good for the average man and he doesn't meet her minimums.
RedRobin Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Immediate sexual attraction is just one piece of information... one that I've observed has absolutely zero to do with long term compatibility. Long term compatibility and sexual compatibility has more to do with one's communication styles and ideas related to sex. With that said, I do know there are differences in physical compatibility and libido that would potentially cause issues down the road. Those things have nothing to do with initial sexual attraction.
udolipixie Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 It's an automatic dealbreaker. If I don't find a guy attractive he's not dating material to me. I don't do the whole force attraction, grow attraction, or give chances bit as I'm well aware that most likely if a guy didn't find me attractive he wouldn't have approached me. As for the other questions: I think it's common and I think it's possible to get the sparks flying again.
udolipixie Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 But that's getting back to my original point. Overtime men can fall for women who meet their minimums. Though that doesn't seem to be the same way for women. Unless the average woman considers herself too good for the average man and he doesn't meet her minimums. To me it's not getting to your point it's actually disproving it. They're falling for gals that already meet their base criteria for attraction. The gals met their minimum criteria so most likely there was sexual attraction. It's not as if they found these gals unattractive or had no interest in them sexually and fell for them.
GoodOnPaper Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 A guy has to find a chick attractive at least at a basic level initially. If you found those chicks unattractive, they wouldnt of had a shot. I suppose that's true if basic level means "I like how we get along and I'm OK with being seen in public with her." Otherwise, my sense from somedude's posts is that we see guys as being more open to the friends-to-more approach while women seem to want to be swept off their feet in the first 10 minutes of meeting. I don't know if sexual compatibility correlates better to one approach or the other.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I hate how once some women get their mind made up about a guy, it will never change. Guys can definitely have attraction build from nothing with a woman just by spending time with her. Why can't women? Truthfully I have no idea. But it's true, when she makes up her mind, it usually never changes. Hmm...
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Is it an automatic deal breaker? I know a lot of people form very healthy relationships with partners they weren't attracted to at first, but what if the situation was reversed? What if you had high expectations and as soon as it starts to get heated, you don't feel it as strongly as you anticipated? Is this a common thing? Do you all think its still possible to get the sparks flying again? Kaylan nailed this. If it isn't working... talk like adults about it and give it a few more tries. If it still isn't working... walk away.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Kaylan nailed this. If it isn't working... talk like adults about it and give it a few more tries. If it still isn't working... walk away. If it isn't working in the beginning when things are fresh, new and exiting, what makes you think it will work later on when nothing has changed? The only difference is now you acknowledged it isn't working, and I don't see how that can make things any better. 1
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Yes. If we have a date and there's no spark on my end I will not waste my time. I learned this from my last relationship: I need to be attracted to someone, attraction is important. I am going to worry less about being "shallow" and worry more about my needs and what makes me happy this time around. Eff having to kiss someone you don't wanna kiss or not getting aroused/satisfied while they nut off. Eff that crap. Yeah been there. It's much more difficult being with a really great person who isn't attractive, then being with a hot assh*le (sexual wise).
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 If it isn't working in the beginning when things are fresh, new and exiting, what makes you think it will work later on when nothing has changed? The only difference is now you acknowledged it isn't working, and I don't see how that can make things any better. You mesh styles and find out what works for each other. Thats what my and I did. If I had given up after the first few awkward kisses I would have missed out on the most rewarding sexual experiences of my life. Things dont always magically click right away. Lets remember we are talking about people who are already attracted to one another.
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