Parlous Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 A little back story: my now ex-boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years, since we were 18. We were each other's first everything and had even lived together for just over 2 years while at university (we went to the same one). He was in quite a bad place with himself, he couldn't finish a single year of university(failed 3 years in a row), prefering over and over to do something he enjoyed instead of going to lectures, like playing video games. I tried my best to motivate him but in the end left him to his own devices, as no one could help him until he decided that he had to help himself. Fast forward to end of 2011. We were faced with moving out of our flat because we could no longer afford to pay the rent. I was frantically looking for a job, as I had already finished my degree by then, but with little luck. He obviously had next to zero chance of finding anything without much of an education to speak of or work experience. Plus he didn't really try very hard. We visited our parents over christmas, until about mid January, and then came back to the flat for a couple of weeks to simply pack up and move back in with our parents. During all these years he would tell me how much he loved me 10+ times a day, how much he missed me when we were apart for more than a day, how he wants to be with me forever. I was never the one to instigate these conversations, it all came from him. I very much believed him and wanted the same, even though my friends and family were saying how useless he was as a partner. Up until about 2 weeks ago everything was fine. I visited him at his parents' house, while they were away for a few days. We had a great time and nothing went wrong at all, he was his usual loving and attentive self. Then he got this work experience opportunity. Nothing major, wouldn't even result in a full time position. Just something useful for him to put on his CV. And from then on everything changed. He became distant and cold with me, gradually over a few days. Then last Saturday he said he was thinking of ending things with me but needed time to think about it more. I was completely crushed, understandibly, I truly believed him when he said he'd never leave me, I was naive, I know. And then last night I decided to ask him straight up what was on his mind and thats when he said that he wants to break up with me. His reasons: loves me but isnt in love with me (such a textbook phrase!), still cares for me and finds me attractive, that our relationship was 'satisfying' but he's looking for something different. Asured me that there is no one else but I'm not sure if I should believe that or not. When I asked what held him back from doing it and how long he had been feeling that way he said since he started that job (so 2 weeks) and that he didnt want to hurt me and still felt a sense of loyalty to me. So there we have it, what happened to him? All the way through the break up speech he was like a different person, so cold and distant, not like the man I loved and still love. 1
flitzanu Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 you already typed your answer. His reasons: loves me but isnt in love with me (such a textbook phrase!), still cares for me and finds me attractive, that our relationship was 'satisfying' but he's looking for something different. Asured me that there is no one else but I'm not sure if I should believe that or not. may or may not be someone else, everyone will lie about that, but he gave you valid reasons right there why he doesn't want to be with you. he isn't lying about that.
Better_Days Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 It's somewhat same way my ex broke up with me. She gave me somewhat similar reasons which sounded scripted. Sorry to say this but, most likely, there is someone else involved. Whether he cheated or not, that person has influence on his decision. I know it's hard, but at this point, he will not change his mind. He will come back to you when he finds out that his life isn't getting better.
jus d'orange Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I think a lot of people get similarly hollow sounding answers. I know I did. I also got a few "answers" that stung pretty badly. It comes down to the fact that the person is often being as honest as they can be. They're confused as to why the person with whom they have been so in love no longer makes them feel that way. They have lost the spark and, frankly, that means it is time for the relationship to end. If they are willing to leave you out of their life, you have to let them. You deserve someone who won't do that to you.
sid3 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Its highly likely there is someone else.Maybe not to the extent that he is actuallly seeing someone, but he sees another option. Probably at his work. After sitting on his ass all this time playing video games, I'd guess he's infatuated with his new environment. From what you've shared, there doesn't seem to be anything to suggest why he suddenly woke up one day and decided he was no longer in love with you. Has your appearance changed, ie; have you gained weight. I'm no longer in love with you is often bs for I'm no longer attracted to you. Sorry you are hurting, though it sounds like he did you a favor IMHO.
gibson Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I have a feeling you are going to find out it is the following... "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome After you read that, read this: Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread!
Author Parlous Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 Thank you for this. It explains very well what I think my ex is going through at this time. He's had a rather sheltered upbringing(quite literally, he's lived in a small town since about 12 years old), very few "life experiences", never needed anything and everything was always given to him by his parents when he was growing up. As soon as we started discussing moving in together for real, not while at uni, and building a life together, he left, basically saying all the standard things like he loves me but isnt in love with me, sees me as more of a friend now, still really cares for me and wants to stay in contact, etc. However, he still says he finds me attractive, which is one point that i don't really understand? I thought losing attraction was usually the trigger for them wanting to leave? I told him I want NC for a long while, he agreed. We'll see what happens but I'm not holding on to hope. I have this feeling that he will come back at some point but whether I'd want him back by then remains to be seen.
Better_Days Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I have a feeling you are going to find out it is the following... "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome After you read that, read this: Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread! dam i regret reading the second link it is true and i know it myself just hard to accept it i was holding onto that tiny bit of hope that my ex will come back one day i guess not lol.......
HollyBolly Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I have a feeling you are going to find out it is the following... "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome After you read that, read this: Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread! Thank you. Very informative stuff. My question is do the dumpers with G.I.G.S. usually blame the dumpees for the breakup? Or do they just usually say they don't know why?
gibson Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 he still says he finds me attractive, which is one point that i don't really understand? I thought losing attraction was usually the trigger for them wanting to leave? He didn't lose attraction, just wants to be single and experience the world outside of a relationship. There is nothing you could have done to stop him from breaking up at some point. What he wants to do is very common with people your age. In fact, you could very well find yourself wanting the same things. We'll see what happens but I'm not holding on to hope. I have this feeling that he will come back at some point but whether I'd want him back by then remains to be seen. It happens quite often. However, in cases of GIGS not for many years. I suggest you read through all the various pages of those threads I posted earlier. There is a lot of good information in them.
gibson Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Thank you. Very informative stuff. My question is do the dumpers with G.I.G.S. usually blame the dumpees for the breakup? Or do they just usually say they don't know why? They don't blame you or anyone and are not really sure what they are doing / thinking / feeling. It's a very confusing next several years for them.
HollyBolly Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 They don't blame you or anyone and are not really sure what they are doing / thinking / feeling. It's a very confusing next several years for them. So, if they try to blame you...
gibson Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 So, if they try to blame you... It's just noise... Right now, the GIGS dumper has a sense of "relief" to be free of the relationship. They say a lot of things they do not mean and later apologize for. In time, the GIGS dumper comes to have the GREATEST respect for long term person they dumped. You are / become the "measuring stick" by which everyone else is compared. I (gibson/homebrew) explain it in another way that you might understand below: G.I.G.S. Explained Another Way
HollyBolly Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 It's just noise... Right now, the GIGS dumper has a sense of "relief" to be free of the relationship. They say a lot of things they do not mean and later apologize for. In time, the GIGS dumper comes to have the GREATEST respect for long term person they dumped. You are / become the "measuring stick" by which everyone else is compared. I (gibson/homebrew) explain it in another way that you might understand below: G.I.G.S. Explained Another Way Thank you. I am not even sure if this is a case of GIGS, though: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/317832-g-i-g-s-shes-just-write-off My story in a nutshell.
Author Parlous Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Should I stick to NC with him then and just let him do what he needs/wants to do? This is proving to be the most difficult bit for me at the moment, as I was so used to sharing every little thing with him.
HollyBolly Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Should I stick to NC with him then and just let him do what he needs/wants to do? This is proving to be the most difficult bit for me at the moment, as I was so used to sharing every little thing with him. Yes, stick with NC. It is hard but has to be done.
gibson Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Should I stick to NC with him then and just let him do what he needs/wants to do? This is proving to be the most difficult bit for me at the moment, as I was so used to sharing every little thing with him. You found the perfect place on what you should do and not do and how best to proceed. Your Ex isn't a bad guy or evil. In fact, there isn't really anything that he did wrong. It's just an age / bad timing issue. As far as your Ex coming back, G.I.G.S. lasts for years and more than likely you will go through it yourself at some point. You will date and have many more relationships before meeting "the one". This is just a part of life and how it goes. I would spend a lot of your time reading and posting here and learn how to deal / cope with your break up. We are all here to help you.
sid3 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I disagree, I wouldn't spend a lot of time reading and posting here. Don't get me wrong, some time here can be helpful, but too much will keep you from moving on. You want to pick yourself up by keeping busy and being kind to yourself. You can't completely ignore your hurt, but you can try and minimize it by not dwelling on it too much. And no you shouldn't contact him. Reach out to a friend or family member instead. The good thing is it will get easier, seriously. The day will come when you will be glad it happened.
Author Parlous Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Yeah, I realise he isn't evil, I should be angry with him but I just can't be. I still truly love and care about him. So I just wished him well the last time we spoke and he's now free to do what he wants. I think his G.I.G.S. will take longer than most, as he is still such a child emotionally (very high IQ, however, he isn't an idiot by any means). A friend of mine's ex also left her because of G.I.G.S. They had been together for 7 years. He resurfaced 6-7 months later when his heart was broken just like he broke my friend's heart and begged her to take him back. She had already moved on by then and although she still talks to him occassionally, she has no intention of being in a relationship with him for the foreseeable future. As for me going through G.I.G.S. myself at some point, never say never ofcourse, but at the moment I'm in a good place with myself and don't feel as if I need to go out into the world and look for something more fulfilling. Thank you for all the replies and support, it really made my situation much clearer to me and helped me accept what has happened and why it happened the way it did.
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