Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I plan on having a divorce talk with her. I do not want this to get ugly. I want to come to an agreement with her regarding finances and the children and filing like that. I exaggerated the drug issue, she is not a junkie - her drug problem was once a month / month and a half - never liked it, but it's not the end of the world - does not make her an unfit mother. Even when she did it, she did it responsibly and took charge the next day. I do not want to take the children away from her, but I will make it clear to her that this prescription drug stuff better stop. The kids love her very much and I don't want to go that route. I would like to believe that she will put the kids first as well and come to some kind of mutual agreement. I want to at least salvage us being parents together. Being civil to each other for the sake of the children. I know if we go to war, the kids will ultimately be effected by that the most. I will set clear boundaries and I will make it clear that she needs to start working and move out. I will have to look for another place myself, because I will not be able to afford our big house anymore. I will update when I can. Thank you everyone.
Gotti25 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Where in Europe is she from? I'm from eastern europe I gave my husband a green card he is from Amsterdam NL! She has a problem with painkillers I have been in that boat with Vicodin that drug makes you very numb and careless thank god my hubby decided to flush the pills down the toilet! She is on a very controlling drug is going to be very difficult for her to get off of it! I'm not going to tell you what to do but is not safe for your children if she gets into a withdrawal mode it could get very ugly!
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Where in Europe is she from? I'm from eastern europe I gave my husband a green card he is from Amsterdam NL! She has a problem with painkillers I have been in that boat with Vicodin that drug makes you very numb and careless thank god my hubby decided to flush the pills down the toilet! She is on a very controlling drug is going to be very difficult for her to get off of it! I'm not going to tell you what to do but is not safe for your children if she gets into a withdrawal mode it could get very ugly! It is vicodin... she is taking about 6-8 Pills a day. 7.5 MG
2sunny Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 It would be better to have her earning money: It's not safe or predictable for your kids to be in her care She can contribute to her rent and child care The kids would be better looked after in a predictable setting
2sunny Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 It is vicodin... she is taking about 6-8 Pills a day. 7.5 MG That's NOT good! She shouldn't have the kids in her care anyway - she's NOT present!
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 That's NOT good! She shouldn't have the kids in her care anyway - she's NOT present! I will be confronting her about this.... I am reading about the side effects once more: The physical effects of Vicodin include shallow breathing, slow heartbeat, feeling light-headed; fainting, confusion, fear; unusual thoughts or behavior. She has been on this for 3 months, she is surely addicted by now. This is going to be one big fight... arghhh
Gotti25 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 That's crazy 5 to 6 pills a day what kind of doctor would subscribe that medication for headaches I was subscribed that because I had some plastic surgery and instantly became addicted to it but thank god my hubby took it away from me and I'm only 25 years old! I don't know is crazy you know what to do wish you the best of luck don't let her ruin your life!
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Where in Europe is she from? I'm from eastern europe I gave my husband a green card he is from Amsterdam NL! She has a problem with painkillers I have been in that boat with Vicodin that drug makes you very numb and careless thank god my hubby decided to flush the pills down the toilet! She is on a very controlling drug is going to be very difficult for her to get off of it! I'm not going to tell you what to do but is not safe for your children if she gets into a withdrawal mode it could get very ugly! Gotti25 - I would like to have a discussion with you privately if at all possible. You show as an established member, can you please PM me? I think your advice would be invaluable, since you say you have been in that boat. I want to know what to expect etc.
worldgonewrong Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 The only reason she's seeking something in the middle is to make herself feel like the kids aren't going to suffer for her actions that led to the end of your marriage and the destruction of their family. That's it. Bull's eye. This is the crux of why my wife behaves the way she does too.
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 As far as the pain medicine - you said previously sheis an addict - hence she should NEVER take any meds that alter orkillthe pain. In theBig Book of Alcoholics Anonymous this is referred to as "switching from scotch to brandy" - she's still using - but she just switched to something else! She's still high! I'm a recovered alcoholic and I wish to stay that way - therefore I NEVER, EVER take anything altering!
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 It's been a while since I went to my room without having a major fight. It feels better to go to bed like this. Anyway we started talking, it was very civil and I told her that I am not responsible for her. I am responsible for the kids and that the kids and her are not the same. That she should stop using the kids as a scapegoat. I said I am ready to start the divorce procedure but I would like to settle it out of the courts. I said i don't want it to get ugly and I would like us to be civil to each other for the sake of the children. I also told her that she has to recognize that this is her choice and her doing and she shouldn't expect me to make it easier for her or feel pitty for her in any way. She didn't like this much of course, she kept saying that she is not doing this for fun and that she can't help how she feels. She also brought up the fact that I told her she is treating my like a doormat. That it's not true. I said, if she tries to take me for a ride I will not play nice anymore. I said this living arrangement is not working at all and we need to set a time limit to come to an agreement. I also brought up the vicodin. I told her she has a problem and it's time for her to admit that. She of course would not. She said she has to take it because she can't bear the pain. That if she doesn't take it the pain gets too much and that she can't function anymore. I said her drug problems are going to destroy her. I said for all I know your viciodin is making you mad or making you act differently, because I can't believe you could be this cold. Not that it matters. I told her she needs to get off of it or she can't take care of the kids properly. I said I just want her to keep the side effects in mind. She said she will gradually get off it and that I can have the supply myself to administer. A very good step (probably because she was scared). So now, her sister is coming to visit her for 2 weeks. We set the time limit for coming to a decision regarding finances, kids and living arrangements by the time she leaves. It will be good for her to be with her sister and have some help around the house. That way maybe she won't be so bitter and we can come to an agreement that is fair. :-) haha. I will be staying with my brother during the 2 weeks that her sister is here. At the end of this all, she said you acting like you have already decided that it's over. I started laughing. She asked why I'm laughing. I said need I remind you that you are the one that's not in love with me? That has OM? She said OM is nothing sexual or emotional. I said it doesn't matter at this point. She said I should stop being so negative and that it can be that she will wake up in 5 days and realize that she loves me. I said, you have no guarantees as to how I would feel in 5 days. Additionally it would take much more than waking up with the love feeling. I feel like it was positive all in all. I'm sure some will disagree but I feel good about it. Please don't show any mercy if you see that I screwed up or back tracked. 1
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I actually think you did a fabulous job of stating exactly what you will and won't do. You addressed her meds problem and put it back on her. Don't allow her to have YOU do it for her (dolling it out). That isn't your job to babysit her. It's all or nothing... She needs to address getting sober herself - you can't do it for her. And she making empty promises about "maybe" getting feelings back - either she has them or she doesn't. She's scared she may have to work. Change is good! You're doing great!
standtall Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Anyway we started talking, it was very civil and I told her that I am not responsible for her. I am responsible for the kids and that the kids and her are not the same. That she should stop using the kids as a scapegoat. I said I am ready to start the divorce procedure but I would like to settle it out of the courts. I said i don't want it to get ugly and I would like us to be civil to each other for the sake of the children. I also told her that she has to recognize that this is her choice and her doing and she shouldn't expect me to make it easier for her or feel pitty for her in any way. She didn't like this much of course, she kept saying that she is not doing this for fun and that she can't help how she feels. She also brought up the fact that I told her she is treating my like a doormat. That it's not true. I said, if she tries to take me for a ride I will not play nice anymore. I said this living arrangement is not working at all and we need to set a time limit to come to an agreement. I also brought up the vicodin. I told her she has a problem and it's time for her to admit that. She of course would not. She said she has to take it because she can't bear the pain. That if she doesn't take it the pain gets too much and that she can't function anymore. I said her drug problems are going to destroy her. I said for all I know your viciodin is making you mad or making you act differently, because I can't believe you could be this cold. Not that it matters. I told her she needs to get off of it or she can't take care of the kids properly. I said I just want her to keep the side effects in mind. She said she will gradually get off it and that I can have the supply myself to administer. A very good step (probably because she was scared). Wow! Way to take control jstub. I don't think anyone here could have done better!
hotgurl Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 It is vicodin... she is taking about 6-8 Pills a day. 7.5 MG holly **** that is a lot. I take vicidin for miraines. my is 5mg. I only tak it when I have a headache. I take 5-7 a month! You are only supposed to take 1 every 6 hours and cap out at 2 day maybe 3. If she has headaches that much vicidin use will cause rebound headaches so she will always be in pain. who the hell is prescribing that. She needs to detox asap. Why is she taking it?
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 holly **** that is a lot. I take vicidin for miraines. my is 5mg. I only tak it when I have a headache. I take 5-7 a month! You are only supposed to take 1 every 6 hours and cap out at 2 day maybe 3. If she has headaches that much vicidin use will cause rebound headaches so she will always be in pain. who the hell is prescribing that. She needs to detox asap. Why is she taking it? She takes it because she has severe headaches. She had them prescribed from before but she never took them, so she had a stash, but now, it's not a prescription if you know what I mean.... I personally think this is the scenario. In December, the source of the other drugs went to jail. She was very unhappy - then the whole EA started and she was faced with a dilemma of oh crap, I want to get out of this marriage and destroy the family, her body couldn't handle it, nervous breakdown or whatever, she started having headaches - we were fighting a lot and the kids picked it up and they started misbehaving (another source of stress). That's when she started taking the pain meds. Then, she started causing her own headaches (psychological) because she does not want to get off the pills. Now, she blames me for the headaches, saying that I am the cause of those headaches and I need to be out of the picture for her to get better. It's a big mess.... The funny thing is, whenever I am gone for 2 days or whatever or she is gone for long periods of time, no interaction between us, she still has her headaches. So I don't get how I am the source, but anyway, pain meds cause headaches too... oh well - let's see how it goes with her getting off the pills.
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 You addressed her meds problem and put it back on her. Don't allow her to have YOU do it for her (dolling it out). That isn't your job to babysit her. It's all or nothing... She needs to address getting sober herself - you can't do it for her. And she making empty promises about "maybe" getting feelings back - either she has them or she doesn't. She's scared she may have to work. At this point, I have no choice but to baby her when it comes to the meds. I feel like if I don't take away the pills, she will never get off them. The idea is to cut it down gradually (no cold turkey). I want to do this for the kids, she is the primary care taker during the day and she needs to be off them - that's why I am assisting, even though she is not my responsibility. Regarding her empty promises, I made it clear that I would not want to be in a marriage with her with this status quo - no way in hell. I even told her, getting your love back is not enough. What I wanted to point out is that feeling love is just the first step. I even said that even if she changes her mind, she does not have any guarantees (I am moving on - trying to...) 1
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Woke up this morning at 5 AM because my daughter was crying. Took her to my bed and she hugged me and went back to sleep. Such a beautiful moment. Moments like these are what I would be missing if I had to live without my kids. To take care of them during the night, to spend time with them when they wake up etc. My son woke up later and he threw a tantrum, he was screaming that he wants his milk and that he doesn't want to be in his bed. Tried to calm him down but he kept screaming. After about 20 minutes he went back to bed. My wife woke up and she said she already has a severe headache. I gave her 1 pill and I said that's all you get (she usually takes 2 in the morning). We talked for a bit regarding the pills and the kids. She said, she does not have the strength to fight anymore, that every day it's a fight. That she doesn't have the strength to stand up to the kids when they are misbehaving. They both sense her weakness and take her for a ride. I told her, hey if we weren't going through this, I would have taken a week off and if we both parented together, we could have squashed this behavior, but we both know that if I take a week off and had to stay with you all day, things would be more stressful. I said, these are your choices and you have to live with the consequences. Then she said, she knows the pills are taking a toll on her and on us. She said she knows when she is on them she is confused and can't think straight. Her eyes get puffy and her belly swells. She said, she just wants to be off them and think clearly. I said, that's what we are trying to accomplish here. I told her I may be going to texas for a week on a business trip and that would be good for her to have some space. She seemed to like it, but at the same time, it scares her, because I do take care of the kids in the mornings and in the evenings. But her sister will be here, so that should be okay.
hotgurl Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I think she needs to detox in a facility. She can't take care of the kids while detoxing. Does she ahbe a neurologist? If so call him and tell him about the pills ASAP. The pillsa re making her underlying condition worse. When I first started havign mirgraines I was put on phenobarbital which is very addictive. I was taking 2-3 every day and got addited. I was given a choice go out alone at ohme in in a program. I detoxed by myself. I was the wrose most agonizing thing I have ever been though. I took of work there was no way in hell I could have taken care of a kid. She needs good doctors and support right now.
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 I think she needs to detox in a facility. She can't take care of the kids while detoxing. Does she ahbe a neurologist? If so call him and tell him about the pills ASAP. The pillsa re making her underlying condition worse. When I first started havign mirgraines I was put on phenobarbital which is very addictive. I was taking 2-3 every day and got addited. I was given a choice go out alone at ohme in in a program. I detoxed by myself. I was the wrose most agonizing thing I have ever been though. I took of work there was no way in hell I could have taken care of a kid. She needs good doctors and support right now. She will never admit that it's severe. She keeps saying it's not that bad and recognizes that she needs to get off them. She will not go to any facility. The only thing that I could offer is to take off work, but at this point, that would be a disaster. I heard a lot of good things about this chinese acupuncture dr and his success with headaches. Made an appointment for her. She was very excited about it.. Let's see how that goes. Also, I think her sister coming will be very positive as they have not seen each other for almost a year and they are pretty close. Sometimes they fight, but I am hoping they have both matured...
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 You can't do it for her. I can guarantee you. She needs detox! IF it wasn't that bad - she would be capable of quitting cold turkey... Because she can't or won't - that is why it's a problem for her. U til she's off them for a loooong time - without ANYTHING else altering her - you aren't seeing her true self... You are dealing with an irrational person. It's on her. I don't recommend her being on her own with those kids for even an hour. Educate yourself about her disease... It's much bigger than you are thinking.
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 You can't do it for her. I can guarantee you. She needs detox! IF it wasn't that bad - she would be capable of quitting cold turkey... Because she can't or won't - that is why it's a problem for her. U til she's off them for a loooong time - without ANYTHING else altering her - you aren't seeing her true self... You are dealing with an irrational person. It's on her. I don't recommend her being on her own with those kids for even an hour. Educate yourself about her disease... It's much bigger than you are thinking. I am really battling myself now. I feel like by being nice to her and trying to help, I am giving her control. That she may be using this to tell herself that oh see everything is okay, we are all happy and everything will be okay... which is far from the reality. At the same time, she is the mother of my children, a woman that I would do / have done anything for... I feel like she needs my help to get out of this mess. She is willing but she is weak.... arghhhh what is the right thing to do.......
findingnemo Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I am really battling myself now. I feel like by being nice to her and trying to help, I am giving her control. That she may be using this to tell herself that oh see everything is okay, we are all happy and everything will be okay... which is far from the reality. At the same time, she is the mother of my children, a woman that I would do / have done anything for... I feel like she needs my help to get out of this mess. She is willing but she is weak.... arghhhh what is the right thing to do....... Jstub, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Your W definitely has issues. One of them is the drug use. But the drugs may not explain all the events. She seems very manipulative based on what she did and said at the beginning of your posts. She had a plan although she obviously underestimated you. She isn't as scattered in her thoughts as you think. She wants to move North specifically...if that fails, she wants to go home. Do not make the mistake of underestimating her. You've been in full control and I think you've done very well handling her. The drugs do not in my mind explain all her behaviour and therefore I'd advise you not to forget that while drugs are an issue, her infidelity is another one. At this point you need to cover your bases. The one thing you need to do is get her into rehab. Do what you have to do to get her admitted in a facility right away. Report her to her doctor, her family, yours, everybody. Thats what people do when dealing with drug users. Then figure out if there are any low cost rehabs she can go to. This will not only get her help, it will also be documented evidence of drug use. This can help in custody hearings. Once that is accomplished, use the time she is away to consult a lawyer and come up with a divorce and custody plan. I don't know how much you've read on the boards but there is rarely such a thing as an amicable divorce. Your W's behaviour leads me to believe that she will declare war and make your life very very difficult. Decide what you want now with regards to the kids, to whatever assets you have and go to war.
Author Jstub Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Jstub, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Your W definitely has issues. One of them is the drug use. But the drugs may not explain all the events. She seems very manipulative based on what she did and said at the beginning of your posts. She had a plan although she obviously underestimated you. She isn't as scattered in her thoughts as you think. She wants to move North specifically...if that fails, she wants to go home. Do not make the mistake of underestimating her. You've been in full control and I think you've done very well handling her. The drugs do not in my mind explain all her behaviour and therefore I'd advise you not to forget that while drugs are an issue, her infidelity is another one. At first I thought she wants to move to be closer to OM. But that does not make sense, because OM lives 3 hours south and if she moves up north OM will be 8 hours away. So, this is definitely not about the OM. She has always wanted to go to the country side and we were always planning. Now, her relationship to the OM is a big mystery to me. I know they text each other, obviously she guards her phone and deletes messages so I don't know what the subject is. My wife is the type of person that would use her beauty to make men do all kinds of stupid things. It may be that she is leading this man on to get what she wants.. it's a possibility. It may also be that she is actually having an affair with him. I have my doubts for both directions, but I am not sure at this point. It really does not matter though - I have a plan and i am sticking to it. As for drugs explaining her behavior, I am not blaming the drugs for everything. I just know that they are a big influence. I know for a fact that when you are on drugs, you do not act like yourself. She has big problems, she has had a terrible childhood / teen / early twenties. Has been with a lot of *******s that have mistreated her. She has tried to seek therapy before, but the psychologist fell in love with her and was trying to pursue a sexual relationship with her. At this point she says counseling is a bunch of BS. Not surprised after her last encounter.
findingnemo Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Okay. It would be interesting to find out what she hopes to find up North...in the country. Whatever it is, she's given it a lot of thought. I hope you have hidden the children's passports. This is one important piece of advice you received. What's your plan? (if you don't mind me asking)
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