separated but have to live together

[Owl]

Cocaine?!?!?!

 

Forget it. All she has to do is to point out any evidence she's got of you using, and BOTH of you forfeit rights to your children.

 

FWIW, I'll admit I'm absolutely against using. Honestly this information completely changes my viewpoint on this entire thread. Cocaine is hardcore stuff. There is nothing 'casual' about it.

 

I'm bowing out at this point.

[2sunny]

We're you doing coke the day you met up with the gal at the park?

 

Be honest...

[Jstub]

We're you doing coke the day you met up with the gal at the park?

 

Be honest...

 

No, I was not. I don't go out while under the influence. Let alone take my children out while under the influence. I feel like it's being taken in the wrong manner. Like the world stopped just because I got high.

[Jstub]

Cocaine?!?!?!

 

Forget it. All she has to do is to point out any evidence she's got of you using, and BOTH of you forfeit rights to your children.

 

FWIW, I'll admit I'm absolutely against using. Honestly this information completely changes my viewpoint on this entire thread. Cocaine is hardcore stuff. There is nothing 'casual' about it.

 

I'm bowing out at this point.

 

Owl, I respect your decision and I thank you for all your help. I call it casual, because I don't NEED IT. You have the wrong idea about cocaine I think. Yes, it's a hard drug, but don't mix it up with crack, acid bla bla. I can stop for long periods of time and my body will not request it, hence I say i am not addicted. Sure, you can say addicts don't admit. Don't be so close minded, just because I do a couple of lines once in a while, doesn't make me a monster. If i was using daily, sure.

[2sunny]

No, I was not. I don't go out while under the influence. Let alone take my children out while under the influence. I feel like it's being taken in the wrong manner. Like the world stopped just because I got high.

 

Not from my perspective. I appreciate the info... And if you can't stop and not do it again - you don't have a problem with it...so just stop.

 

I hope your W enters the detox TODAY.

 

She needs serious help.

 

Even if it works out for you two in the long run - I suggest you NEVER brings altering substances into your home again.

 

I haven't had a drink in more than 4 years - and never had an issue with drugs or pills - but I still CHOOSE never to take them. If I see a dr - I tell them straight up "antibiotics are ok for me - but no pain killers or anything that alters my mind!" NEVER! They LIVE to prescribe, that's what they get paid to do!

 

Meditation and acupuncture work wonders without drugs.

[Jstub]

Not from my perspective. I appreciate the info... And if you can't stop and not do it again - you don't have a problem with it...so just stop.

 

I hope your W enters the detox TODAY.

 

She needs serious help.

 

Even if it works out for you two in the long run - I suggest you NEVER brings altering substances into your home again.

 

I haven't had a drink in more than 4 years - and never had an issue with drugs or pills - but I still CHOOSE never to take them. If I see a dr - I tell them straight up "antibiotics are ok for me - but no pain killers or anything that alters my mind!" NEVER! They LIVE to prescribe, that's what they get paid to do!

 

Meditation and acupuncture work wonders without drugs.

 

Thank you for not judging 2sunny. I know cocaine doesn't help, plus it's pretty expensive. As I said, I can EASILY give it up. I have given it up for periods longer than a year and as I said it is CASUAL use. However, during this time it does not help at all.

 

Wife checks into facility today and I will call daily to make sure she is there and staying. Difference between me and her is that she uses daily. That is why she is checking in and I am not. just FYI.

[findingnemo]

I came home today and the kids were still napping. I sat outside and my wife came with some coffee. She was looking at me with such loving eyes, I had to ask her "why you looking at me like this" she said "because I love you and I am sorry". I was silent. She then continued and said "I broke it off with om" I was again silent. She asked me "aren't you happy?" I said "should I be?" she then explained that all om did was cause her problems and all he wanted to do was to go to a hotel with her and that even though she crapped on me with her actions I was the one who took care of her and om just didn't give a **** and he just wanted to go somewhere and have sex. She then said she knows he loves her but that's not real love, what she has with me is real love, because I cared for her when I shouldn't have. She then said, she would put me first even if we do get divorced, that om is not worth jeopardizing our good terms even with divorce. She said she refuses to go to a hotel and come home to see my face after I know what she was up to. I told her, I don't see us working things out and I hope she is sure she is not making a mistake. She said, if she thought what she had with om was real she would have pursued it.

 

What do you all think about this? I need opinions. Detox and now breaking it off with om. Is she coming back? Am I being too harsh? Should I stop the divorce procedures? Should I continue but wait till I sign? I am lost. I don't even know if she wants to make this work. I don't know if I want to make it work. I don't think she knows herself.

 

What do I think? Oh boy. First of all, is it normal for anyone to discuss their sex life with a OM with their H the way your W is doing? No way. She's crazy. She's in la-la land. She has to be nuts to think you will take this crap. I don't care what you said to her, if she has a little intelligence she must know that this whole conversation is just wrong.

 

Does she take you that much for granted, Jstub? Does she believe that you're willing to forgive and forget all this and rebuild this M? Drugs or no drugs, this is crazy behaviour. And I wouldn't trust that in a few years there won't be a repeat occurrence. She is playing a mind game. Not to good at it but still she plays. And I wouldn't stop the D proceedings if I were you.

 

ETA: Obviously I'm getting pi$$ed off on your behalf, Jstub. But even if she gets clean, I don't know how being on drugs explains everything. I've just read that she's in rehab. I hope she gets clean for good. I hope so for the sake of your kids.

Edited April 20, 2012 by findingnemo

[Jstub]

What do I think? Oh boy. First of all, is it normal for anyone to discuss their sex life with a OM with their H the way your W is doing? No way. She's crazy. She's in la-la land. She has to be nuts to think you will take this crap. I don't care what you said to her, if she has a little intelligence she must know that this whole conversation is just wrong.

 

Does she take you that much for granted, Jstub? Does she believe that you're willing to forgive and forget all this and rebuild this M? Drugs or no drugs, this is crazy behaviour. And I wouldn't trust that in a few years there won't be a repeat occurrence. She is playing a mind game. Not to good at it but still she plays. And I wouldn't stop the D proceedings if I were you.

 

ETA: Obviously I'm getting pi$$ed off on your behalf, Jstub. But even if she gets clean, I don't know how being on drugs explains everything. I've just read that she's in rehab. I hope she gets clean for good. I hope so for the sake of your kids.

 

That's exactly my opinion, you can't blame everything on the damn drugs. That's just like burying your head in the sand. I do not feel any love towards her at the moment, and I am not stopping any paperwork. Thank you for your words findingnemo. I appreciate it.

 

She is now in Rehab. Let's see how that goes.

[Jstub]

Wife is still in rehab, which is great. I have deleted all contact information of my source for cocaine.

 

Yesterday I received a 60 day to vacate notice, because my lease was up and I refused to sign a new lease - wanted to do month to month.

 

I guess things are moving. I have no choice but to get 2 apartments here in the area we are in (pretty expensive), or get a new job up north and get 2 apartments there (much cheaper). It's going to be very stressful.

[2sunny]

Any update?

 

Is your W still in rehab?

 

How/ what has changed for you - how are things since she's been gone?

[Jstub]

Hello everyone, it's been a long time since I updated this thread. I did not want to be busy with the topic, I just wanted to move on with my life. Things have been going great. Here it is:

 

I have been clean since April. No drugs whatsoever.

 

Wife is out of rehab and she is doing well.

 

When she first came out of rehab, she told me that she no longer wants to be married to me and that she is in love with OM and he is the man of her dreams. That he understands her without her even speaking and they have insane chemistry. I told her, I understand and that her choices are her own. We agreed on the divorce terms and filed.

 

It was hard for me to think about, him meeting my kids etc. but I figured he has raised 3 kids of his own, so he can't be that bad. I made peace with the idea. You can not stop love, if she is in love, there is nothing that can stop it, the children are part of her, so it's only natural for her to introduce the kids etc.

 

Me on the other hand, I started going out more, meeting tons of people every time I go out. Have made lots of friends in this short period of time. Been on a couple of dates here and there, just for fun. I love the excitement that I could just go out and do what I feel like and I don't know what the night will bring. I am not referring to having sex with a stranger here, just in general. Been golfing with my coworkers as well, just having a good time.

 

I do have weak moments, specially when I see her. She looks so beautiful.

 

We still have the house, I managed to extend the 60 day notice to move out etc. I mostly stay with my brother (don't have to worry about it being used against me in court, because we have already filed in agreement). We will be moving out end of July (or earlier than that).

 

Now, recently she asked me to meet her bf. I hesitated a couple of times and I finally said sure. I have to meet him, to judge for myself, if he will be good for my kids. Now, it was a crazy idea, but we actually lived under 1 roof for 3 days. She wanted me to assess him in a natural setting. I agreed to it. During that time, each one slept in their own room etc. out of respect etc.

 

I met her bf and I was completely SHOCKED. It was almost like a relief. I always thought, he is something better than me. I always felt threatened - when I met him, I just couldn't believe that my wife would fall for this guy. I knew instantly that he was full of sh-t. He is completely self centered and full of himself (and he looks hideous). I almost feel bad for him. I also instantly knew that by the end of these 3 days, things will change forever for them. I knew, there is NO WAY in hell, my wife will be able to put up with him. Guess what? by the end of day 2, my wife came to me and said, I can't wait for him to leave, I am sick of him, you are absolutely right. You always were. She said, she had never spent this much time with him, and she is about to attack him. That he is self centered and not really caring. Day 3, it was over between them. She said, when she saw us side by side, having a conversation, when she saw our actions side by side (me and OM that is), everything just hit her, like a hammer in the head. She apologized, and for the first time, it was genuine. She told me she loved me, and it was again, genuine. She said, she realized what kind of a man I am, and that she can't believe that she thought, OM was better than me. She wants to reconcile.

 

At this point, so much has happened, I feel that I can not go back. So much damage was caused.

 

We will be moving separately, I will keep my "heart open" for the possibility of reconciliation in a time. At this stage, I can not, even though, she is the one who wants to reconcile. 3 Months ago, that would have made me so happy, now, not so much. I am enjoying my life, I am somewhat happy - even though, I still hurt sometimes, it has gotten a LOT better.

 

Would I sign the divorce papers? Probably yes - If we fall for each other again, we can always get married again.

 

Thank you all for your precious advice. You were all very helpful during these hard times.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Jstub

[robf1971]

Hello everyone, it's been a long time since I updated this thread. I did not want to be busy with the topic, I just wanted to move on with my life. Things have been going great. Here it is:

 

I have been clean since April. No drugs whatsoever.

 

Wife is out of rehab and she is doing well.

 

When she first came out of rehab, she told me that she no longer wants to be married to me and that she is in love with OM and he is the man of her dreams. That he understands her without her even speaking and they have insane chemistry. I told her, I understand and that her choices are her own. We agreed on the divorce terms and filed.

 

It was hard for me to think about, him meeting my kids etc. but I figured he has raised 3 kids of his own, so he can't be that bad. I made peace with the idea. You can not stop love, if she is in love, there is nothing that can stop it, the children are part of her, so it's only natural for her to introduce the kids etc.

 

Me on the other hand, I started going out more, meeting tons of people every time I go out. Have made lots of friends in this short period of time. Been on a couple of dates here and there, just for fun. I love the excitement that I could just go out and do what I feel like and I don't know what the night will bring. I am not referring to having sex with a stranger here, just in general. Been golfing with my coworkers as well, just having a good time.

 

I do have weak moments, specially when I see her. She looks so beautiful.

 

We still have the house, I managed to extend the 60 day notice to move out etc. I mostly stay with my brother (don't have to worry about it being used against me in court, because we have already filed in agreement). We will be moving out end of July (or earlier than that).

 

Now, recently she asked me to meet her bf. I hesitated a couple of times and I finally said sure. I have to meet him, to judge for myself, if he will be good for my kids. Now, it was a crazy idea, but we actually lived under 1 roof for 3 days. She wanted me to assess him in a natural setting. I agreed to it. During that time, each one slept in their own room etc. out of respect etc.

 

I met her bf and I was completely SHOCKED. It was almost like a relief. I always thought, he is something better than me. I always felt threatened - when I met him, I just couldn't believe that my wife would fall for this guy. I knew instantly that he was full of sh-t. He is completely self centered and full of himself (and he looks hideous). I almost feel bad for him. I also instantly knew that by the end of these 3 days, things will change forever for them. I knew, there is NO WAY in hell, my wife will be able to put up with him. Guess what? by the end of day 2, my wife came to me and said, I can't wait for him to leave, I am sick of him, you are absolutely right. You always were. She said, she had never spent this much time with him, and she is about to attack him. That he is self centered and not really caring. Day 3, it was over between them. She said, when she saw us side by side, having a conversation, when she saw our actions side by side (me and OM that is), everything just hit her, like a hammer in the head. She apologized, and for the first time, it was genuine. She told me she loved me, and it was again, genuine. She said, she realized what kind of a man I am, and that she can't believe that she thought, OM was better than me. She wants to reconcile.

 

At this point, so much has happened, I feel that I can not go back. So much damage was caused.

 

We will be moving separately, I will keep my "heart open" for the possibility of reconciliation in a time. At this stage, I can not, even though, she is the one who wants to reconcile. 3 Months ago, that would have made me so happy, now, not so much. I am enjoying my life, I am somewhat happy - even though, I still hurt sometimes, it has gotten a LOT better.

 

Would I sign the divorce papers? Probably yes - If we fall for each other again, we can always get married again.

 

Thank you all for your precious advice. You were all very helpful during these hard times.

 

And let this be a lesson to all those that don't think the best way to get them back is to set them free, let them go and move on. All the best to you Jstub.

[2sunny]

Well - that certainly is an interesting turn of events... But has SHE addressed why she cheated? Has she addressed what is broken INSIDE of her that allowed her to cheat- to turn to drug use?

 

If she hasn't explored ALL of what caused her to CHOOSE that - or those choices - then she still has SO MUCH work to do.

 

She needs to do the part that looks like - discover - uncover - and discard...

 

Change is good.

 

She still has work she needs to take action on - since it was even HERchouce to bring him back into her life as a sober woman - and understand what has been missing in YOUR marriage that would make her "think" she needed him and not you...

[standtall]

Sounds good..until she finds somebody that is actually cooler, more attractive, and successful than you, then you will be on the other end..again.

[Jstub]

Sounds good..until she finds somebody that is actually cooler, more attractive, and successful than you, then you will be on the other end..again.

 

Hence, I said, I don't want her back.

 

If in a couple of years, things change, then let them change. I will never say never - that's all.

[Jstub]

Well - that certainly is an interesting turn of events... But has SHE addressed why she cheated? Has she addressed what is broken INSIDE of her that allowed her to cheat- to turn to drug use?

 

If she hasn't explored ALL of what caused her to CHOOSE that - or those choices - then she still has SO MUCH work to do.

 

She needs to do the part that looks like - discover - uncover - and discard...

 

Change is good.

 

She still has work she needs to take action on - since it was even HERchouce to bring him back into her life as a sober woman - and understand what has been missing in YOUR marriage that would make her "think" she needed him and not you...

 

2sunny. I am not even willing to listen to her excuses. The point is, she cheated. She sobered up and still went for it. Just because she realized something or it didn't work out, doesn't mean she can just assume, I will take her back. That makes me second choice, and that's simply not good enough. Maybe my thread was misleading, I am not taking her back, I am signing the divorce papers. I am moving to my own place. I just said, I don't know what the future will bring. It doesn't mean I am reconciling.

[worldgonewrong]

My brother committed suicide a few weeks ago. His ex-wife is in rehab (again) while I'm looking after the kids.

 

Good God, man, I am so sorry!

[Jstub]

I've been following your posts for quite a while.

 

The same thing happened to my younger brother. His wife had an affair, he threatened to divorce her, they separated, she moved in with the other guy but came running back. She went through rehab and for a moment, I thought that she had completely changed. My brother took her back, but 3 years later she cheated again when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

 

Same story all over again.

My brother committed suicide a few weeks ago. His ex-wife is in rehab (again) while I'm looking after the kids.

 

Frankly, I would advise you to do as you wish but remember:

 

1) Once a cheater, always a cheater. What if she cheats again? Do you want your children to go through this again?

 

2) Your wife is an ******* and a sociopath (forgive me). No women does this to her FAMILY. So she spent two more days sleeping with him and then decided that you were more interesting?

 

3) You probably realize that she's using you. She realized that the other guy couldn't provide the material benefits you could. Bail out now. She's manipulating you and she doesn't care for her own children. If she did then none of this would have happened.

 

4) Think about your kids. They need a loving (drama/drug/affair FREE) women to be there for them. Even if she's a foster/step mother (no offense meant).

 

The end-choice is yours. But remember brother, you only live once. Why spend your life with a miserable, lying, double-crossing, manipulative W**** when there are thousands of beautiful women out there who would love to have a caring husband like you and could act as loving mothers to your children.

 

 

"Fool me Once, Shame on You-Fool me twice, Shame on Me"

 

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I am happy that his children are being taken care of at least.

 

Thank you for your detailed post, trust me I do not take your words lightly. I have realized that my feelings for her have died down completely. I know exactly what she is doing and why she is doing it, and it's not going to cut it.

 

Let me be clear - I AM SIGNING THE DIVORCE PAPERS - they have been filed already, just waiting.

[Steen719]

Good God, man, I am so sorry!

 

Me, too. So sorry and so glad you have the kids. I hope you get to stay in their lives.

[2sunny]

I'm glad you didn't settle for being her second choice.

 

Stay strong - stay sober. Mental clarity is a huge gift - especially when things are difficult.

[Jstub]

I'm glad you didn't settle for being her second choice.

 

Stay strong - stay sober. Mental clarity is a huge gift - especially when things are difficult.

 

Thank you 2sunny. I am glad you took time to give me precious advice throughout this journey. I really appreciate it.