standtall Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Jstub, Your wife is laying down impossible terms for you swallow. The fact that she even attempts to ask you for that sort of living arrangement is damaging to the marriage itself as it shows an utter lack of respect for you. You just may have to face the fact that you're going to have to divorce this woman with all the unpleasant consequences. IMHO, continue your 180, particularly after her odd suggestions/lala land dreams last night and do not yield any ground to her. BTW, another thing IMHO, do not meet the other man. At best, it adds legitimacy to his presence in your marriage and around your wife...besides they will just co-ordinate their lies together...treat him as less than nothing to you. At worst, he may end up with a broken face an you in jail.. 2
worldgonewrong Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Standtall speaks the truth. Also, Jstub - keep in mind, it will get worse before it gets better, judging by the way she's acting. She's doing a slash-and-burn with you, the family, by degrees. So gird your loins.
volkl1996 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I read your initial posts...I have not read all of the replies. The simple answer is move out. You need to start moving on, both of you. You can find creative ways to work out the kids and the finances. No disrespect to you and your situation...I have friends who say the same "but for the kids...I would move out". Move out now...you are making things worse in the long run for you AND the kids.
Gotti25 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Jstub this woman is walking all over you. What pisses me off is how dare she even has the guts to ask you to re pare her OM software is she insane? I don't care if I would be left with $500 dollars a month I would not tolerate this kind of behavior is unexcused for. Put your foot down and tell her ass to get a job instead of flaunting around the house naked and probably making phone calls to the OM behind your back while you are at work. She is nothing but a manipulative worthless whore. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but please open your eyes and don't let her abuse you like this! Don't worry she will realize in the long run what she lost and it will be to late while you my friend will be better off with someone else that will love you and respect you!
Steen719 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Steen. At this point I am not living with her by choice. I don't want to leave the house because hell why should I? I want to be with my kids. I wasn't saying that you needed to leave. Only you can decide if that is a good idea. Do you have family you could stay with if you sell the house? She actually likes that because she gets to relax and do her own thing while I watch the kids. So now? Do I punish my kids to punish her? I am not willing to do that. I just did some basic calculations of child support and spousal support and it looks bad. I'd be left with $1200-$1400 a month to live in California. What am I supposed to do? I can't live on that - rent for a room here is $600. Not even a studio. So I feel trapped. Oh, what a mess! There are some posters on here from California who might be able to discuss those issues. I just don't know....does she have an education? Has she ever worked? It really seems so unfair that she will have what she wants at your expense. I would talk to a lawyer anyway. Since the consultation is free, go to a good one and have your income and questions written down so you can use your hour to your best advantage. She doesn't feel much guilt or remorse at how she is treating you, so you will not have that advantage when going forward with a divorce. I did and XH was furious when he finally decided that he wished he had gone after me with a vengeance, getting my annuity and going for support...UGH..it was too late. The @#$% cheater! Too bad.
volkl1996 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Oh, what a mess! There are some posters on here from California who might be able to discuss those issues. I just don't know....does she have an education? Has she ever worked? It really seems so unfair that she will have what she wants at your expense. I would talk to a lawyer anyway. Since the consultation is free, go to a good one and have your income and questions written down so you can use your hour to your best advantage. She doesn't feel much guilt or remorse at how she is treating you, so you will not have that advantage when going forward with a divorce. I did and XH was furious when he finally decided that he wished he had gone after me with a vengeance, getting my annuity and going for support...UGH..it was too late. The @#$% cheater! Too bad. You are not trapped...nobody is. Get in fropnt of a lawyer now, stop forecasting, stop thinking "poor me", stop thinking "what if". Take steps to end this and move on. You will be glad you did. Yes, it's painful, yes it sucks, yes there will be anger and arguments, but do it. Life is too short my friend..stop wasting it away in this situation.
maybealone Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Steen. At this point I am not living with her by choice. I don't want to leave the house because hell why should I? I want to be with my kids. In my opinion, you need a really, really good lawyer. Or, rather, a "shark." Obviously I don't know the laws in your state, but I would think that if a case can be made for you keeping the house, then she could be removed. And again, not familiar with your laws, but I've never actually witnessed a divorce where a nonworking spouse was not given a time limit to find a job. Just to keep the house she would have to refinance in her name only and pay you half the equity in the house -- would that even be possible with alimony as her only source of income? And I realize a lot of men don't leave bad relationships because of fear of not having their kids 100% of time, but you should think about what's healthy and what's not healthy for them.
worldgonewrong Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 And I realize a lot of men don't leave bad relationships because of fear of not having their kids 100% of time, but you should think about what's healthy and what's not healthy for them. Yes. and to underscore that thought - I have a better relationship with my kids now than before. The time is compromised, it's not the same as it was, but the quality of our interactions/togetherness matured together; I wouldn't want to trade that aspect for anything.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Jstub, Your wife is laying down impossible terms for you swallow. The fact that she even attempts to ask you for that sort of living arrangement is damaging to the marriage itself as it shows an utter lack of respect for you. You just may have to face the fact that you're going to have to divorce this woman with all the unpleasant consequences. IMHO, continue your 180, particularly after her odd suggestions/lala land dreams last night and do not yield any ground to her. BTW, another thing IMHO, do not meet the other man. At best, it adds legitimacy to his presence in your marriage and around your wife...besides they will just co-ordinate their lies together...treat him as less than nothing to you. At worst, he may end up with a broken face an you in jail.. I know what she is asking is impossible. She just wants to make it easier for her, she wants to use me to fulfill her dreams. Every time I stand up for myself and tell her to buzz off, she goes mental. She hates that obviously, she wants to be in control. At this point, I am in the process of accepting the fact that the woman I knew is no longer there. I know I have to divorce her.
Owl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 OK...here's my view. First off...tell your wife that she has the choice (right now, you may end up taking it away later if she takes no action on it). She can either live WITH you, as your wife...or she can live WITHOUT you, free to pursue her dreams in whatever manner she manages to put together. She doesn't get to have something in the middle. The only reason she's seeking something in the middle is to make herself feel like the kids aren't going to suffer for her actions that led to the end of your marriage and the destruction of their family. That's it. That's why she is fighting so hard to keep you in the house, but under her terms. You need to refuse that, point blank, up front, unmistakeably. Tell her that she's got the choice you outlined above. If she can't make that choice...you can. As far as pursuing her dreams...I'm sorry, but while OM may HELP in her pursuit of that, if she's got any talent, he's not CRITICAL to her success. If nothing else, she can ask him to refer her to ANOTHER author in the same genre that could potentially take her under their wing. Since she's engaged in an EA with him...she's burned the "professional" bridges for that route already. If she wants you in her life...she removes him, and she chooses to work with you to fix the marriage. As part of that on your side, you should be willing to consider MC to help ensure that you aren't "too controlling". (You probably aren't...this is a common reaction among women in your wife's position...I heard the same from my wife while fighting to save our marriage after her EA...it went away once she got her head on straight). Set these boundaries clearly with her. Make it clear she doesn't have long to decide either. And be ready to enforce these boundaries as needed. DO NOT leave your house. File for divorce, and request the courts to have her removed if needed. 2
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I read your initial posts...I have not read all of the replies. The simple answer is move out. You need to start moving on, both of you. You can find creative ways to work out the kids and the finances. No disrespect to you and your situation...I have friends who say the same "but for the kids...I would move out". Move out now...you are making things worse in the long run for you AND the kids. I am not trying to find excuses to not move out. I am not using the children as an excuse to hold on to the situation. My point is, SHE is the one who wants to pursue her dreams, SHE is the one who wants to leave me. Why doesn't she leave and go get a job and pursue her own dreams? At the same time, I do consider moving out just for her to see what it would be like. She can barely handle the kids by herself. I take care of them in the morning while she freaks out because she has a headache and go pops some vicodin. However, I do worry about the kids, what if she is in a bad mood and does not take care of the kids properly? I know it would be her fault, but wouldn't I be at fault too?
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Jstub this woman is walking all over you. What pisses me off is how dare she even has the guts to ask you to re pare her OM software is she insane? I don't care if I would be left with $500 dollars a month I would not tolerate this kind of behavior is unexcused for. Put your foot down and tell her ass to get a job instead of flaunting around the house naked and probably making phone calls to the OM behind your back while you are at work. She is nothing but a manipulative worthless whore. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but please open your eyes and don't let her abuse you like this! Don't worry she will realize in the long run what she lost and it will be to late while you my friend will be better off with someone else that will love you and respect you! Thank you Gotti. I don't think she will realize anything, she is too full of herself. She twists and turns everything and blames me for it. Yesterday when we were arguing, I said I am trying to be nice to you, but you are being a bitch - she said, I was trying to be nice to you for the past 5 years. She just talks some crap to justify her actions.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Oh, what a mess! There are some posters on here from California who might be able to discuss those issues. I just don't know....does she have an education? Has she ever worked? It really seems so unfair that she will have what she wants at your expense. I would talk to a lawyer anyway. Since the consultation is free, go to a good one and have your income and questions written down so you can use your hour to your best advantage. She doesn't feel much guilt or remorse at how she is treating you, so you will not have that advantage when going forward with a divorce. I did and XH was furious when he finally decided that he wished he had gone after me with a vengeance, getting my annuity and going for support...UGH..it was too late. The @#$% cheater! Too bad. I have my brother that I can stay with. He lives close by and he told me I can stay with him.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 In my opinion, you need a really, really good lawyer. Or, rather, a "shark." Obviously I don't know the laws in your state, but I would think that if a case can be made for you keeping the house, then she could be removed. And again, not familiar with your laws, but I've never actually witnessed a divorce where a nonworking spouse was not given a time limit to find a job. Just to keep the house she would have to refinance in her name only and pay you half the equity in the house -- would that even be possible with alimony as her only source of income? And I realize a lot of men don't leave bad relationships because of fear of not having their kids 100% of time, but you should think about what's healthy and what's not healthy for them. We do not own the house. We rent. As for the kids - We never argue in front of them. When I am with the kids and she is around, she acts very civil and I do too.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 Yes. and to underscore that thought - I have a better relationship with my kids now than before. The time is compromised, it's not the same as it was, but the quality of our interactions/togetherness matured together; I wouldn't want to trade that aspect for anything. That is a comforting thought.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 OK...here's my view. First off...tell your wife that she has the choice (right now, you may end up taking it away later if she takes no action on it). She can either live WITH you, as your wife...or she can live WITHOUT you, free to pursue her dreams in whatever manner she manages to put together. She doesn't get to have something in the middle. The only reason she's seeking something in the middle is to make herself feel like the kids aren't going to suffer for her actions that led to the end of your marriage and the destruction of their family. That's it. That's why she is fighting so hard to keep you in the house, but under her terms. You need to refuse that, point blank, up front, unmistakeably. Tell her that she's got the choice you outlined above. If she can't make that choice...you can. As far as pursuing her dreams...I'm sorry, but while OM may HELP in her pursuit of that, if she's got any talent, he's not CRITICAL to her success. If nothing else, she can ask him to refer her to ANOTHER author in the same genre that could potentially take her under their wing. Since she's engaged in an EA with him...she's burned the "professional" bridges for that route already. If she wants you in her life...she removes him, and she chooses to work with you to fix the marriage. As part of that on your side, you should be willing to consider MC to help ensure that you aren't "too controlling". (You probably aren't...this is a common reaction among women in your wife's position...I heard the same from my wife while fighting to save our marriage after her EA...it went away once she got her head on straight). Set these boundaries clearly with her. Make it clear she doesn't have long to decide either. And be ready to enforce these boundaries as needed. DO NOT leave your house. File for divorce, and request the courts to have her removed if needed. Owl, I don't even want to bother telling her she has a choice. She has already made her choice at this point. She says, we are separated unless a miracle happens! We are past that - I do not see any hope and at this point, a miracle indeed needs to happen for this to be all okay. I don't see it. This selfish behavior on her side is just so destructive. As for being controlling - I never asked her before, who you talking to or checked up on her FB or whatever. I found out by chance while trying to help her with her phone, saw some texts etc. That's when I got suspicious and started digging. Every time I confronted her with anything, that pushed her further away. I know that is not my fault, even though she would like for me to believe that it is.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 After last night's episode, I was in bed just browsing on my phone - she then sent me a FB message with an article or 2 for me to read. Then obviously she wanted to talk to me about them. The conversation started civil but that didn't last long - she brought up that I am playing a power game with her and that how dare I say that she treats me like a doormat when she takes care of the kids all day and cooks and cleans for us. I said you are delusional and walked out. She then told me that I have a couple of weeks to decide if I want to move up north or would like to go to Europe with her and the kids. We were planning on moving to Europe (she is from there) together, but obviously there is no way in hell I am going there. I do not speak the language of her country so I have to rely on her... haha good one.. She said, we would have to live together while she gets a job there and I would have to take care of the kids and learn the language. crazzyyy... When I told her I will not be moving with her, she flipped again. She said, I am the cause of her all headaches and that I need to move away for her to get better. I said, you honestly think I am the cause of your headaches? and she said yes... waawww. I think she now has a drug problem with her painkiller use. It's been 3 months of her being on that crap. Funny how side effects include: unusual thoughts and headaches...
2sunny Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 She sounds like she has a prescription medicine problem. Detox. Offer her that. If she's not willing to admit she has a problem - then there is nothing to help her with. Things will get worse before they get better. When you submit papers to the court - you can have a written order stating the kids can't leave the county without permission from the other parent. Be sure you always have the kids pass ports on you. And IF she says she doesnt have a drug problem - then tell her to get busy earning money- money she's gonna need when you divorce her. She's manipulating you - you need to NOT engage with her - that FB link was designed to get you to interact - see how that played out? She's doing it on purpose... SO - do not engage! Start by meeting with an attorney and making sure she doesn't have access to money... You need her getting desperate enough to work.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 She sounds like she has a prescription medicine problem. Detox. Offer her that. If she's not willing to admit she has a problem - then there is nothing to help her with. Things will get worse before they get better. When you submit papers to the court - you can have a written order stating the kids can't leave the county without permission from the other parent. Be sure you always have the kids pass ports on you. And IF she says she doesnt have a drug problem - then tell her to get busy earning money- money she's gonna need when you divorce her. She's manipulating you - you need to NOT engage with her - that FB link was designed to get you to interact - see how that played out? She's doing it on purpose... SO - do not engage! Start by meeting with an attorney and making sure she doesn't have access to money... You need her getting desperate enough to work. Oh my... how did I not think about this??? I HAVE TO GET THE KIDS PASSPORTS AWAY FROM THE HOUSE. Thank you so muchhhh for bringing this point across. Usually, she can not fly out of the country without a written consent from me, but regardless - better safe than sorry. As for the drug problem, she has always had a drug problem. Now it's prescription drugs, before it was something else, but the provider went to jail recently.
hotgurl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I would see a lawyer asap. She is acting erratic. I would def keep the kids passport on you at all times. If you are renting can't you just get a smaller place? When is your lease up?
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 I would see a lawyer asap. She is acting erratic. I would def keep the kids passport on you at all times. If you are renting can't you just get a smaller place? When is your lease up? Getting a smaller place is an option I have thought about. However, I can't maintain our big house AND get a small place for myself. She does not work and I don't want to jeopardize my kids' standard of living to punish her.
hotgurl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Getting a smaller place is an option I have thought about. However, I can't maintain our big house AND get a small place for myself. She does not work and I don't want to jeopardize my kids' standard of living to punish her. the reality if you two seperate you will have to let go of the big house. you two could both get smaller places. she needs to get a job asap.
Author Jstub Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 the reality if you two seperate you will have to let go of the big house. you two could both get smaller places. she needs to get a job asap. Once she gets a job the kids need to go to daycare. That's at least $1600 / mo.
volkl1996 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Once she gets a job the kids need to go to daycare. That's at least $1600 / mo. Please read all of your replies, your excuses. You are throwing up one financial excuse after another. Get in front of an attorney now, stop talking to us...take action, do something. You will "excuse" this to death and never do anything.
Owl Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 If you've already decided on a direction...in your case divorce...excellent. Then get moving in that direction...today. Given the recent information of her consistent drug problem, she poses a danger to the children. As horrible as this sounds, you need to use that to ensure that you get custody. See your lawyer, ASAP. Remove the children's passports (given her comment about moving back to Europe, this makes very good sense to do), and follow whatever advice the lawyer gives you for managing a divorce and removing her from your life. You're right...no decision for her to make, especially in light of the recent information. It's all yours...but...that means the ball is in your court to get busy making it happen, right now! Good luck.
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