Husband won't put me on title for new home

[johan]

No, what I seek to avoid is those people who'd have no qualms about using me for my money & there's no shortage of them.

 

You seem like that is priority #1. Relationships are ultimately about money for you.

[Theresa9297]

He doesn't have trust in the relationship. On the other hand, if you are not contributing financially he is within his rights. Some states, have community property laws, so you are responisible for his bills and he is responsible for yours. Property of a husband and wife are always shared. If I were you, I would be cautious. Put some money aside in you own name with another person you trust not your husband on the account with you, maybe a parent or a sibling.

 

Be prepared for him to walk out and take everything. It's what happened to me after 20 years of marriage. I wish I had not been so trusting.

 

Theresa

For divorce advice call:

888-727-9257

[carhill]

You seem like that is priority #1. Relationships are ultimately about money for you.

Someone, through action of law, took part of her life's work and continues to take it. Money is just the numerical counter of that dynamic. Since we don't hear much about your personal life, how about you tell us about your marriage or divorce and how it went. Share a little.

[nofool4u]

Ok, fair enough, if i were to remarry and my new spouse demanded to be put on the deed and threatened that if they weren't they'd never pay a dime towards living here, my decision would be quite easy. Divorce lawyer here we come. My then soon to be ex-spouse could go find a new free place to live elsewhere.

 

Well I wouldn't expect anyone to be put on a deed that married someone that already had a house. That was before marriage. Understandable in that case.

[soserious1]

You seem like that is priority #1. Relationships are ultimately about money for you.

 

Well, ultimately in divorce court marriage is all about money! Sorry but expecting that an able bodied adult will pay their personal bills & 50% of our shared expenses is totally reasonable.

[maybealone]

I haven't read the thread but I'm guessing you either do not live in the U.S. or you live in one of the few states that the marriage license doesn't automatically attach you.

 

Most states do treat inheritance as being separate from marital money.

 

Doesn't matter, a primary residence is the main place most people build equity. If he is going to exclude her from that, then she need not put any money into taxes, insurance, anything. And if she does, then it can be seen that she maintains the property and she is then entitled.

 

Renters don't build equity, but their money goes to paying someone else's mortgage and property taxes. Not saying she is a renter or that she should be treated as such, just pointing out that we don't always get to build equity.

 

Well I wouldn't expect anyone to be put on a deed that married someone that already had a house. That was before marriage. Understandable in that case.

 

My parents' wills predate my marriage. If they had passed away before I was married and I bought a house with the inheritance, it would be okay for me to keep it in my name only but if I did the same thing while married it would be wrong?

[johan]

Someone, through action of law, took part of her life's work and continues to take it. Money is just the numerical counter of that dynamic. Since we don't hear much about your personal life, how about you tell us about your marriage or divorce and how it went. Share a little.

 

It wouldn't be relevant.

 

Well, ultimately in divorce court marriage is all about money! Sorry but expecting that an able bodied adult will pay their personal bills & 50% of our shared expenses is totally reasonable.

 

I would never want to see dollar signs when I look at my mate. People bring other things to a relationship. Sometimes those things are even worth more than money. It seems like the best way to convince someone you don't care so much about them is to bill them. "Sorry, you agreed to pay half the utilities. I care more about that than I do being happy with you."

 

For me the bigger picture matters. All the benefits of having someone in my life go into the equation. If things aren't financially equal at all times, then we find other ways to maintain balance. We care that we aren't taking advantage of each other. We aren't just trying to protect our hoards.

 

You think the hoard comes first, and you preach that should be true for everyone else. It isn't. Sorry about what happened to you in your divorce. There are some good points that you make. It's definitely thought provoking. But I still don't think it's necessary for someone to become greedy and stingy in order to protect themselves financially in case things don't work out.

[soserious1]

Someone, through action of law, took part of her life's work and continues to take it. Money is just the numerical counter of that dynamic. Since we don't hear much about your personal life, how about you tell us about your marriage or divorce and how it went. Share a little.

 

I'm not advocating that anybody fail to do things to protect their spouse such as leaving them the house in the will, nor am I saying that one should refuse to support or care for a legitimately sick or disabled spouse.

 

The idea though that we must prove our love by just forking over 50% of everything we own & that we're horrible bad people if we refuse offends me deeply. If you really love & respect me, why not prove it to me by paying your fair share instead of expecting me to do all the fiscal heavy lifting?

[denise_xo]

You seem like that is priority #1. Relationships are ultimately about money for you.

 

With the amount of alimony soserious is paying every month, I'd be pretty money conscious in a relationship, too. My H and I share all finances and we've never had problems with that. But given her circumstances, I can understand where soserious is coming from.

[Els]

With the amount of alimony soserious is paying every month, I'd be pretty money conscious in a relationship, too. My H and I share all finances and we've never had problems with that. But given her circumstances, I can understand where soserious is coming from.

 

I feel for her, but I personally think she's taking things to such extremes that it would sadly preclude her from ever being in a healthy and accepting relationship. Charging your spouse rent to live in a house that you own, for example, is something that would cause most normal people to reconsider the partner they are with, IMO. Her situation is akin to someone who has been cheated on by an ex in the past, insisting on checking their current partner's phone and email multiple times a day. You can understand why they do it, but that doesn't mean you should not call them out for their own sake.

[soserious1]

It wouldn't be relevant.

 

 

 

I would never want to see dollar signs when I look at my mate. People bring other things to a relationship. Sometimes those things are even worth more than money. It seems like the best way to convince someone you don't care so much about them is to bill them. "Sorry, you agreed to pay half the utilities. I care more about that than I do being happy with you."

 

For me the bigger picture matters. All the benefits of having someone in my life go into the equation. If things aren't financially equal at all times, then we find other ways to maintain balance. We care that we aren't taking advantage of each other. We aren't just trying to protect our hoards.

 

You think the hoard comes first, and you preach that should be true for everyone else. It isn't. Sorry about what happened to you in your divorce. There are some good points that you make. It's definitely thought provoking. But I still don't think it's necessary for someone to become greedy and stingy in order to protect themselves financially in case things don't work out.

 

My lawyer informs me that if I don't take steps to protect my assets that another divorce could possibly leave me destitute & in jail for contempt of court because I wouldn't be able to shoulder 2 sets of alimony payments.

 

So, if wanting to make sure that I have a place to live & enough assets to live decently in my retirement years means I'm "greedy and stingy" so be it, I can live with that.

[soserious1]

I feel for her, but I personally think she's taking things to such extremes that it would sadly preclude her from ever being in a healthy and accepting relationship. Charging your spouse rent to live in a house that you own, for example, is something that would cause most normal people to reconsider the partner they are with, IMO. Her situation is akin to someone who has been cheated on by an ex in the past, insisting on checking their current partner's phone and email multiple times a day. You can understand why they do it, but that doesn't mean you should not call them out for their own sake.

 

Name a place aside from a skid row shelter where I can go and live rent free for the rest of my life, I'll move there.

[carhill]

Soserious1 and I are both at an age where the fruits of our life's work are important assets to protect, as we don't have many years of productive labor in front of us and perhaps would wish to pursue other, less laborious pursuits. When someone takes your life's work through operation of law, it affects one, especially when that work is not easily or quickly replaced. Personally, I calculate I'll be 60 before I'll recover to the state of affairs I enjoyed prior to becoming married 12 years ago. I had looked forward to retiring three years from now. That isn't going to happen, no way, no how. Someone else benefited from 20+ years of my life's work prior to getting married, simply because of how laws are written and because of my ignorance of them at that time. That's my responsibility. It won't happen again. I count this as another blessing of marriage. I truly accept women for who they are now and marriage for what it is. Hopefully the OP will find the path that is healthy for her.

[johan]

I feel for her, but I personally think she's taking things to such extremes that it would sadly preclude her from ever being in a healthy and accepting relationship. Charging your spouse rent to live in a house that you own, for example, is something that would cause most normal people to reconsider the partner they are with, IMO. Her situation is akin to someone who has been cheated on by an ex in the past, insisting on checking their current partner's phone and email multiple times a day. You can understand why they do it, but that doesn't mean you should not call them out for their own sake.

 

This is my point, too. It's what I see as the flaw in her line of reasoning. "if you're going to be in a relationship, at least protect yourself by undermining the relationship."

[soserious1]

I feel for her, but I personally think she's taking things to such extremes that it would sadly preclude her from ever being in a healthy and accepting relationship. Charging your spouse rent to live in a house that you own, for example, is something that would cause most normal people to reconsider the partner they are with, IMO. Her situation is akin to someone who has been cheated on by an ex in the past, insisting on checking their current partner's phone and email multiple times a day. You can understand why they do it, but that doesn't mean you should not call them out for their own sake.

 

If a romantic partner ever had the nerve to stand here and "call me out" because I refused to let them live here totally rent free, there butt would be hitting the curb so fast they wouldn't know what hit them.

 

Fact: Most adults pay a rent or mortgage, you have to live somewhere & if a guy wasn't living here he'd be writing that housing check once a month, expecting that I'm going to take over that bill simply because I own this house is beyond entitled.

[soserious1]

This is my point, too. It's what I see as the flaw in her line of reasoning. "if you're going to be in a relationship, at least protect yourself by undermining the relationship."

 

if another marriage goes bad it will fiscally bankrupt me, I could easily end up homeless, in jail & have 2 sets of alimony payments on my back.

 

So sorry, I'd rather "undermine" the relationship than undermine the security of my retirement years. You're looking for a sugar mama so you won't have to pay rent or basic expenses for yourself? Better ease on down the road because it won't be me.

[denise_xo]

I feel for her, but I personally think she's taking things to such extremes that it would sadly preclude her from ever being in a healthy and accepting relationship. Charging your spouse rent to live in a house that you own, for example, is something that would cause most normal people to reconsider the partner they are with, IMO. Her situation is akin to someone who has been cheated on by an ex in the past, insisting on checking their current partner's phone and email multiple times a day. You can understand why they do it, but that doesn't mean you should not call them out for their own sake.

 

Yes, it gets a bit extreme in its expression. However, I think a lot of the basics are not that unreasonable. Personally, when I moved in with my ex partner in his house it was my strong intention to pay rent, even though I lived on a meagre student loan and he made sh_t loads of money. To me, it was a question of dignity. I wanted to contribute and pay my share, and if I hadn't lived with him, I would have paid my rent somewhere else. He refused, but I would gladly have done it.

 

I was the bread winner and paid all the bills in my marriage for a long time, so I'm not at all opposed to sharing finances. But I've also never had any assets. If I actually owned stuff that was worth something, then I would probably want to secure them somehow, given the high divorce rates (especially if I lived in the US - we don't have these kind of alimony laws where I live).

[nofool4u]

Renters don't build equity, but their money goes to paying someone else's mortgage and property taxes. Not saying she is a renter or that she should be treated as such, just pointing out that we don't always get to build equity.

 

Yes, I am fully aware there.

 

But if someone "rents" it is because they went that direction. When someone marries, its suppose to be with the understanding that they both are "building" a life together. So if she is cut out of the deal with the home so to speak, then she should get something of her own without him laying claim to it.

[beenburned]

carhill,

You brought up a very good point about age, and not having enough time to replace money for retirement.

 

Since we are getting closer to retirement, we are having to plan everything more carefully, since the economy got so bad. For most baby boomers, I see medical insurance being the large ticket item.

 

Also as parents to grown children, we have witnessed several bad situations happening after deaths in some families. We have wills, medical poa, and financial poa, but we still need to educate our children on current laws, and how it will effect them later.

 

Everything seems to be so much more complicated than it was in our parents generation!

[denise_xo]

I'm getting much more conscious with age as well. I've consistently taken a lot of career and life decisions that were not conducive to financial security. I have absolutely no regrets because I've gotten so many nonmaterial things back from it, but now I find myself thinking more about putting money into my pension scheme and creating a secure financial base for myself, especially because the last three years have been financially challenging and I got fed up with working three jobs and still not being able to make ends meet.

[soserious1]

Yes, it gets a bit extreme in its expression. However, I think a lot of the basics are not that unreasonable. Personally, when I moved in with my ex partner in his house it was my strong intention to pay rent, even though I lived on a meagre student loan and he made sh_t loads of money. To me, it was a question of dignity. I wanted to contribute and pay my share, and if I hadn't lived with him, I would have paid my rent somewhere else. He refused, but I would gladly have done it.

 

I was the bread winner and paid all the bills in my marriage for a long time, so I'm not at all opposed to sharing finances. But I've also never had any assets. If I actually owned stuff that was worth something, then I would probably want to secure them somehow, given the high divorce rates (especially if I lived in the US - we don't have these kind of alimony laws where I live).

 

I have friends in 2nd & 3rd marriages, situations where one partner owns the house are quite common. In all cases I'm familiar with personally the other partner does indeed pay "rent" but it's actually a token amount that in no way reflects the true cost of housing in the areas they are living in.

 

Rents in this area for places without a yard or much in the way of amenities are approaching 2K a month, expecting somebody to toss $750 or so into the pot a month for a place big enough that they could have a room to use as their office or den, with a large yard, fully modern kitchen, washer & dryer, hot tub, heated towel racks etc isn't unreasonable.

[Els]

Yes, it gets a bit extreme in its expression. However, I think a lot of the basics are not that unreasonable. Personally, when I moved in with my ex partner in his house it was my strong intention to pay rent, even though I lived on a meagre student loan and he made sh_t loads of money. To me, it was a question of dignity. I wanted to contribute and pay my share, and if I hadn't lived with him, I would have paid my rent somewhere else. He refused, but I would gladly have done it.

 

I was the bread winner and paid all the bills in my marriage for a long time, so I'm not at all opposed to sharing finances. But I've also never had any assets. If I actually owned stuff that was worth something, then I would probably want to secure them somehow, given the high divorce rates (especially if I lived in the US - we don't have these kind of alimony laws where I live).

 

Oh, I agree that many couples secure their own assets, etc. That's a highly personal choice, and fairly normal from what I've observed, and I don't see any fault in it, if that is how two people want it to be. I simply cannot understand what would be going through someone's mind to CHARGE their partner rent to live in a house that has already been paid for, in a room that would probably have just been a study or guest room otherwise. IMO charging rent, as she said she would do, is different from wanting to pay rent, which is what you have done. It's sorta the difference between paying for your own food and telling your bf/gf, "You'd better pay for your own meal", y'know? To me, if a partner of mine does either of the above (as opposed to merely accepting my offer to pay my share), it would speak volumes about their character and the way they view relationships.

[johan]

if another marriage goes bad it will fiscally bankrupt me, I could easily end up homeless, in jail & have 2 sets of alimony payments on my back.

 

So sorry, I'd rather "undermine" the relationship than undermine the security of my retirement years. You're looking for a sugar mama so you won't have to pay rent or basic expenses for yourself? Better ease on down the road because it won't be me.

 

I'm honestly sorry to hear about that.

 

Not everyone is in your circumstances or ever will be. Marriages have to be about more than money.

 

All the people who are against same-sex marriages should take note that more has been done to erode the value of marriage as an institution by subjecting people to what you have gone through than a billion gay couples could ever achieve. When you look at the bigger picture, gay marriage looks pretty inconsequential.

[soserious1]

Oh, I agree that many couples secure their own assets, etc. That's a highly personal choice, and fairly normal from what I've observed, and I don't see any fault in it, if that is how two people want it to be. I simply cannot understand what would be going through someone's mind to CHARGE their partner rent to live in a house that has already been paid for, in a room that would probably have just been a study or guest room otherwise. IMO charging rent, as she said she would do, is different from wanting to pay rent, which is what you have done. It's sorta the difference between paying for your own food and telling your bf/gf, "You'd better pay for your own meal", y'know? To me, if a partner of mine does either of the above (as opposed to merely accepting my offer to pay my share), it would speak volumes about their character and the way they view relationships.

 

Ah! so because the space is simply here & I own it, I should let a man live in it rent free or I'm a horrible person?

 

Okay, I can live with that, guess he'll have to go find another fairy Godmother to "gift" him with free housing

[johan]

I've never seen an ATM machine dispense a mortgage, have you?

 

No. But I have seen them offer Spanish as a language option.