Serial cheater vs. one time cheater??

[zengirl]

Serial cheaters -- cheating itself is the problem.

 

One time cheater -- cheating is a symptom of the problem.

 

In both cases, the cheater is 100% absolutely in the wrong. However, I would say that someone who cheated one specific time in a particular relationship is less likely to cheat again than someone who is a serial cheater.

 

I don't think, "once a cheater always a cheater," but I do think, "repeatedly a cheater, probably still a cheater."

 

In terms of the damage done to the particular relationship where one cheated, I think it's impacted by more than just the sheer number of partners. Hypothetically: If my husband and I were going through a sincere rough patch, and he cheated on me once, and regretted it and came clean himself about it, I could see MAYBE getting past it with MC and such (not at this stage, since cheating early in a marriage to me seems like a HUGE warning sign, but if we were a decade or so in and I knew that the cheating was a symptom of a larger problem and he had remorse, I can see it). But if I found out hubby was cheating all along and he lied and he cheated on many other women, and that was just his nature. Well, that's unacceptable.

 

I think someone having a longtime affair with one partner is a separate category altogether. That's also just blanket unacceptable to the first R, but it is not the same thing as being a serial cheater. In fact, I have friends who actually were cheating (on both partners), who'd never cheated before, who then got married. They have 2 kids and have been married for 7 years so far. Never cheated. Not a good situation, granted, but I don't think it's the same as serial cheating.

[nofool4u]

I am just curious... what is the difference? I mean, a cheater is a cheater, right?

 

IMO, yes. Thats about right.

[nofool4u]

Serial cheaters are calculating predators.

 

They are only predators if they lied to the people they bed down about their marital/relationship status.

 

If the OM/OW know they are in a committed relationship, then they aren't predators.

[itsourchoice]

Really? I have a lot of doubts that an affair is frequently a parallel relationship to a marriage, or follows similar patterns. Maybe rarely. Usually, I'd think it would be an alternative relationship and the cheater would be consciously wanting it to be VERY different from his/ her marriage.

 

Perhaps, but it is still a relationship that runs along side the marriage.

[NoIDidn't]

They are only predators if they lied to the people they bed down about their marital/relationship status.

 

If the OM/OW know they are in a committed relationship, then they aren't the predators.

 

There, I fixed it.

[NoIDidn't]

Actually, the A IS a type of parallel relationship if you actually stick to the definition of one.

 

Its not two relationships happening at the same time, its two people in the same relationship experiencing a different relationship. One has one goal and the other has another. One thinks its love, and the other just thinks the sex is great and its cool hanging out with the other.

 

And I guess it doesn't matter if the MP is a one-time cheater or a serial cheat if this is the way they feel.

[donnamaybe]

Perhaps, but it is still a relationship that runs along side the marriage.

 

Actually, it kind of slinks alongside in the shadows.

[MissBee]

Actually, the A IS a type of parallel relationship if you actually stick to the definition of one.

 

Its not two relationships happening at the same time, its two people in the same relationship experiencing a different relationship. One has one goal and the other has another. One thinks its love, and the other just thinks the sex is great and its cool hanging out with the other.

 

And I guess it doesn't matter if the MP is a one-time cheater or a serial cheat if this is the way they feel.

 

This is a good point!

[beenburned]

IOC,

Are you saying that you think a MM in a long term affair with 1 OW is better than a serial cheater?

 

I think they both are equally bad for the BW/BH in different ways.

 

If the serial cheater has been having sex with multiple people without wearing protection, then the odds of giving his BW an STD is greatly increased.

 

A MM in a long term affair, has had to make many daily repeated decisions, in order to pull off deceit for many years. He is wasting his wife's life away with " his" fake marriage. There is no love, dedication, or loyalty to his wife.

 

The right and compassionate thing to do, in the case of a long term affair, is to divorce the wife and let her find an honest and loving man to marry.

[itsourchoice]

Actually I wasn't saying one was better or worse than the other. I really don't know which would be harder, or more difficult to deal with. I have never been in a relationship where my spouse cheated, so I don't have a reference point. That is why I asked the question. I have been the OW for about six months. This is new for me, was not planned, and we had resisted for a long, long time until we just couldn't stand the not knowing any more.

 

I am not saying either is right or wrong... But it would seem to me that emotionally speaking, a long term affair would be more hurtful to the BS. I know that if I found out someone had cheated, I would rather hear it was a one time thing, not a years long affair where emotions and love came into play. But, if it was several short term affairs or one night stands, that seems like it would be as bad as a long term affair. Just my opinion.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

This is new for me, was not planned, and we had resisted for a long, long time until we just couldn't stand the not knowing any more.

 

Hey itsourchoice,

 

Could you elaborate please? I was struck by this. You did not plan, you resisted but could not stand not knowing what?

[beenburned]

IOC,

Are you married? You stated that you have never been a BW.

 

So, are you asking in reference to how devastated MM's spouse will be when she finds out, or how devastated your H will be when he finds out?

 

I really don't understand why people that are not happy in their marriage, or with their spouse, can't just get a divorce.

[itsourchoice]

I am divorced. I was married for a lot of years, have six kids, two of whom are grown now, and divorced a few years ago. I am in a relationship with a MM. We have known each other for 16 years and have always had feelings for one another but fought it off until about six months ago.

 

I was just curious what people thought was the more difficult situation for a BS to overcome. It really didn't have anything to do with my relationship. Although I do wonder about my MM's BW...

 

He says all the things that I have read on this forum. She is an alcoholic. He is with her still because they have a child and he doesn't want to leave the child with her. He feels obliged to take care of her. I don't have any disillusions that he would leave her. I don't think he would. I just wonder what would happen if she ever found out. I didn't give any details because I wanted fresh views of people's own experiences.

[beenburned]

IOC,

Thanks for explaining your background!

 

The thing that bothers me about your MM is the fact his wife is an alcoholic.

I don't know how much he has tried to get her into rehab/help.

 

But if he uses her addiction to justify his cheating, without helping her, then he is a scumbag.

 

Any marriage where one of the spouses has some kind of addiction, is never a healthy relationship.

 

If he no longer loves her, he needs to divorce her. Sometimes people with addictions need to hit rock bottom before they realize how bad off they are.

 

He is only enabling her by staying and accepting her addiction.

 

I don't know what caused your divorce, but I hope your baggage from it, is not what is causing you to accept this fake limited relationship with MM.