Girl never initiates contact/having trouble reading her!

[BenH1000]

I would have texted back saying "Can I call you?" If she is in to you the answer is "Yes!" That is not coming across as desperate in my opinion...it shows confidence and interest. The good ones like a man who is chivalrous and takes the lead...at least in the begininng.

 

Texting in my opinion has made dating soooo confusing and frustrating.

 

True. But then again, she didn't answer my call and really has only answered about half of the time I've called in the past. Not to mention, she hasn't called me even once.

 

And re: chivalry and taking the lead...in the beginning -- did you read the part where I initiated all 6 dates, plans for those dates, and all accompanying communication? Not sure how much more I can take the lead.

[BenH1000]

Oh -- One thing I'd also failed to mention was this: on the dating site we "met" on, she was the one who initiated contact with me! So she's definitely not so shy that she can't "re-initiate" contact at this point in dating.

 

I dunno...she was just so hard to read. Hate to think I've ruined any potential future dates, but come on, how can a girl be too shy to say hello every now and again. To me, a failure to do that or initiate anything just indicates lack of interest. Especially when I know she's not too shy to initiate the INITIAL contact on a dating site!

Edited March 6, 2012 by BenH1000

[SJC2008]

Well the one I was dating blew me off. I called her a couple of days ago and she always got back to me the same day so like I said in an earlier response if they can't drop a simple hey text or what are you up to uninitiated before the 3rd date I'm out. I have no problem pursuing and planning dates but if she can't conribute any communication on her own screw that. What if things progressed and we wound up a couple and she was always like that with never calling. Pluck that man, men need to feel wanted too.

[xpaperxcutx]

It was never about placing the ball in her court, it was about asking her to be a team player. Big difference.

 

Now if she doesn't contact you for a date, what will you do? Either way, texting was bad form to start with. You could have at least asked her if it was okay for you to call her. 6 dates already and you still feel calling her is agressive? Well it's even worse to be passive aggressive.

[USMCHokie]

It was never about placing the ball in her court, it was about asking her to be a team player. Big difference.

 

Now if she doesn't contact you for a date, what will you do? Either way, texting was bad form to start with. You could have at least asked her if it was okay for you to call her. 6 dates already and you still feel calling her is agressive? Well it's even worse to be passive aggressive.

 

This. When you called and she didn't answer, did you leave a voicemail asking her to call you back? That is an absolute MUST...if I leave the voicemail and she just texts me back, it is equivalent to her having never responded to me. No respect. I would have been done with her a long time ago...but if you have no other options, then I can see why you'd stick around...

[BenH1000]

It was never about placing the ball in her court, it was about asking her to be a team player. Big difference.

 

OK, you mind explaining the difference? In this particular case?

 

Now if she doesn't contact you for a date, what will you do?

 

Move on. It'll be a clear indication that she's not interested, so why should I be?

 

Either way, texting was bad form to start with. You could have at least asked her if it was okay for you to call her. 6 dates already and you still feel calling her is agressive? Well it's even worse to be passive aggressive.

 

Yes, texting was bad form, but again, I called her and she texted me back. If she was ok with talking on the phone, she would have called me back. No, calling her is not too aggressive, but I figured she seemed more comfortable with texting last night, so why would I call her again?

[BenH1000]

This. When you called and she didn't answer, did you leave a voicemail asking her to call you back? That is an absolute MUST...if I leave the voicemail and she just texts me back, it is equivalent to her having never responded to me. No respect. I would have been done with her a long time ago...but if you have no other options, then I can see why you'd stick around...

 

Nope, didn't leave a message. Suppose I should have, but again, she only answers her phone like half the time (at most it seems).

[BenH1000]

Call her again to mess with her now. Since you now see she is not that in to you, at all, you got all the cards, since the emotions are not involved. Now you can play with her, any way you like. She is your play thing now bro. Call her like 3 times a day or text 10 times..just to mess with her and see her react...it is much more fun, when feelings are not involved.

 

Ha, don't know about that man. I mean, of course I'll be tempted to call her within the next few days, but I want to see if she reaches out to me before making a move. Not expecting her to, if the past 5 weeks have been any indication.

[xpaperxcutx]

OK, you mind explaining the difference? In this particular case?

 

Move on. It'll be a clear indication that she's not interested, so why should I be?

 

 

 

Yes, texting was bad form, but again, I called her and she texted me back. If she was ok with talking on the phone, she would have called me back. No, calling her is not too aggressive, but I figured she seemed more comfortable with texting last night, so why would I call her again?

 

You wanted her to participate in initiations, not play tug of war. The difference is explaining and adking her to be on the same page, not expecting her to get the hint by dropping lines like " going out again soon".

 

Clearly moving on is a last resort and you'rr not there yet. It'll just be a shock and a blow when she doesn't get back to you.

 

This is not about her being comfortable this about you asserting your needs. Don't fal in that trap and end up a doormat.

[punkinthetrunk]

Call her again to mess with her now. Since you now see she is not that in to you, at all, you got all the cards, since the emotions are not involved. Now you can play with her, any way you like. She is your play thing now bro. Call her like 3 times a day or text 10 times..just to mess with her and see her react...it is much more fun, when feelings are not involved.

 

Right, so a woman doesn't reciprocate interest so what do you do?

 

Play mind games!

 

Actions like that are why you don't let crazy stick its dick in you

[volkl1996]

Oh -- One thing I'd also failed to mention was this: on the dating site we "met" on, she was the one who initiated contact with me! So she's definitely not so shy that she can't "re-initiate" contact at this point in dating.

 

I dunno...she was just so hard to read. Hate to think I've ruined any potential future dates, but come on, how can a girl be too shy to say hello every now and again. To me, a failure to do that or initiate anything just indicates lack of interest. Especially when I know she's not too shy to initiate the INITIAL contact on a dating site!

 

 

"Hate to think I've ruined any potential future dates" this comment speaks volumnes...move on, she is not interested. Get back on the dating site and have fun.

[snug.bunny]

You wanted her to participate in initiations, notplay tug of war. The difference is explaining and adking her to be on the samepage, not expecting her to get the hint by dropping lines like " going outagain soon".

 

Yes, but he's asked her out and planned all of their dates, calls/texts her and initiates physical affection, so I think that is why he feels more comfortable at this point with the "I hope to see you soon" route. I can understand that coming across as passive if he did that initially, but, it doesn't sound like it since he's asked her out consecutively and planned dates and put the I-Like-You-Sexy-Time moves on her. Yes, she is being receptive and obliging, perhaps she is letting him drive the car and doesn’t want to interfere by telling him to pull over for directions.

 

I think he can explain his desire for her to be more proactive, that her lack of initiative is sending mixed messages and uncertainty. Or, just not say anything at all and forget about it altogether.

[BenH1000]

Yes, but he's asked her out and planned all of their dates, calls/texts her and initiates physical affection, so I think that is why he feels more comfortable at this point with the "I hope to see you soon" route. I can understand that coming across as passive if he did that initially, but, it doesn't sound like it since he's asked her out consecutively and planned dates and put the I-Like-You-Sexy-Time moves on her. Yes, she is being receptive and obliging, perhaps she is letting him drive the car and doesn’t want to interfere by telling him to pull over for directions.

 

I think he can explain his desire for her to be more proactive, that her lack of initiative is sending mixed messages and uncertainty. Or, just not say anything at all and forget about it altogether.

 

This. Nuff said.

[SJC2008]

@BenH1000: I'm not trying to steal your thunder as we are in identical situations so here goes. 3 dates in no initiated contact from her. She always got back to me in a timely manner but the last time I texed her and called her she did not respond. Two days later I texted her saying I'm getting to the point where I'm asking myself if I need to take a hint but you don't strike me as the type of person to ignore someone. Just be honest about the way you feel and I won't be mad at you. She texted back saying she was not ignoring me so I immediately felt like an arse and did not know what to say but managed to smooth it out. Long story short we'll see eachother again. When we go out again I'm going to tell her she does not have to ask me out or be at my beck and call but if things are going to progress I belive in mutual interest and and hey or what's up texted every now and again would be highly appreciated/expected. Now are these woman testing us to see if we really like them? Who kows? Yours is 22, mine add 10 so the one I'm dating is probaly testing me to see if I really like her because whe she want's to knock this one out of the park if you know what I mean, and I'm fine with that. The truth is we will never know, everyone is different and we don't know their motives. I'm shocked she didn't tell me to go fly a kite though after I was strait forward with her so I think she does like me. I don't think it's a validaton issue because the last girl I dated told me she was not ready to date after 3 dates and I did not give an eff. Either way I hope it works out for you man.

[BenH1000]

@BenH1000: I'm not trying to steal your thunder as we are in identical situations so here goes. 3 dates in no initiated contact from her. She always got back to me in a timely manner but the last time I texed her and called her she did not respond. Two days later I texted her saying I'm getting to the point where I'm asking myself if I need to take a hint but you don't strike me as the type of person to ignore someone. Just be honest about the way you feel and I won't be mad at you. She texted back saying she was not ignoring me so I immediately felt like an arse and did not know what to say but managed to smooth it out. Long story short we'll see eachother again. When we go out again I'm going to tell her she does not have to ask me out or be at my beck and call but if things are going to progress I belive in mutual interest and and hey or what's up texted every now and again would be highly appreciated/expected. Now are these woman testing us to see if we really like them? Who kows? Yours is 22, mine add 10 so the one I'm dating is probaly testing me to see if I really like her because whe she want's to knock this one out of the park if you know what I mean, and I'm fine with that. The truth is we will never know, everyone is different and we don't know their motives. I'm shocked she didn't tell me to go fly a kite though after I was strait forward with her so I think she does like me. I don't think it's a validaton issue because the last girl I dated told me she was not ready to date after 3 dates and I did not give an eff. Either way I hope it works out for you man.

 

Nah man, it's all good. Always nice to hear of someone in a similar situation as yourself. The problem is, we're conditioned to play these games when dating. And since everyone is different, they therefore react differently when presented with said games. Hence creating confusion, communication issues, and other unnecessary actions (or inaction) and then **** like this happens. Sucks, but guess it's part of life.

[RedRobin]

There is some bad dating advice targetted towards women that says in the early stages she should be 'mirroring' the man, but not intitiating. Like, somehow, that lets him be the 'man' and she is not emasculating.

 

I don't like it. I think it is bad advice. Just like I think it is bad advice to tell women never to make the first move. But don't ask me. I'm single I make the first move when appropriate... I share the load in terms of initiating and paying. Here, I was thinking I was being all fair and 21st century... In return, I've been accused of taking away a man's 'job' in dating and even trying to undermine his manhood (gasp!!). So, it is really tempting to just play the game instead of being authentic and sharing.

 

It is very possible she is following some bad dating advice, and nothing more.

 

Communication is the key. I'd suggest asking her how she feels about initiating dates and calls.

[RedRobin]

Some enlightenment... Check out a site from this guy Evan Marc Katz and you'll see what I'm talking about.

 

He tells women that it is ok to initiate on a dating site, but tells them to quickly take the back seat after that to avoid emasculating a man. We so-called strong, smart women don't want to scare you men away.

 

Take a peek at some of the posts here on LS. When women do share the load, alot of you guys think we are out to control you, or are needy, or some ball-bustin gal. It really is kind of sad.

 

I'd like to think most of you gentlemen aren't really scared little bunny rabbits and can manage some reasonable conversations and back-and-forth without freaking out... or assuming a lady who knows what she wants and likes isn't out to run your life.

 

I'm probably expecting too much

[xpaperxcutx]

Some enlightenment... Check out a site from this guy Evan Marc Katz and you'll see what I'm talking about.

 

He tells women that it is ok to initiate on a dating site, but tells them to quickly take the back seat after that to avoid emasculating a man. We so-called strong, smart women don't want to scare you men away.

 

Take a peek at some of the posts here on LS. When women do share the load, alot of you guys think we are out to control you, or are needy, or some ball-bustin gal. It really is kind of sad.

 

I'd like to think most of you gentlemen aren't really scared little bunny rabbits and can manage some reasonable conversations and back-and-forth without freaking out... or assuming a lady who knows what she wants and likes isn't out to run your life.

 

I'm probably expecting too much

Glad to see someone reads his posts. I follow a lot of his posts and tgey fo have some very detailed advice on being successful in dating.

[SJC2008]

Yeah dating is so hard, we're worried about appearing overzealous, we wonder if they like us etc...I'm going to have a good talk with her and tell her what I'm looking for and that I'm not pressuring her and will let things progress at their natural state. If she runs for the hills good, I'll know that she doesn't want what I want.

[veggirl]

There is some bad dating advice targetted towards women that says in the early stages she should be 'mirroring' the man, but not intitiating. Like, somehow, that lets him be the 'man' and she is not emasculating.

 

I don't like it. I think it is bad advice. Just like I think it is bad advice to tell women never to make the first move. But don't ask me. I'm single I make the first move when appropriate... I share the load in terms of initiating and paying. Here, I was thinking I was being all fair and 21st century... In return, I've been accused of taking away a man's 'job' in dating and even trying to undermine his manhood (gasp!!). So, it is really tempting to just play the game instead of being authentic and sharing.

 

It is very possible she is following some bad dating advice, and nothing more.

 

Communication is the key. I'd suggest asking her how she feels about initiating dates and calls.

 

Mirroring at the beginning isn't about NEVER initiating contact. It's about following the mans lead, not initiating MORE than he does. This girl isn't initiating at all, it's totally different.

[SJC2008]

I think it could be a that they want to make sure the man really likes them and isn't just wanting sex. I guess it worked on me because if the last girl I dated did this to me I would of been gone a long time ago so tells me it's not a validation issue and that I do like her. But at the same time she risked (I know it's early on) running off a great guy, not to sound arrogant or anything. Men have thier limits too, I'm not going to let my feelings grow stronger for her if she isn't going to show mutual interest. I think veggirl has an excellent point about mirroring. She can follow the mans lead while "mirroring" and initiate at the same level the man does. And when the man increases if she increases thats an obvois sign she's interested. There has to be a better way for a woman to gauge whether a man likes him instead of ignoring him to see if he'll pursue or take a hike.

[RedRobin]

I dunno. The standard approach pitched to women is that they let the man do all of the date initiation in the beginning. And the mirroring is applied to how she responds. The tone, enthusiasm, etc.

 

The woman Mr. Katz ended up marrying didn't initiate a single phone call for the first month, for instance.

 

I'm not saying I agree. I'm saying that is the advice given out to women alot. Not just the site I mentioned above... and that some women are responding to that.

 

Personally, I think it throws us back into the 1950's. I'd prefer both men and women share the load... in initiating, paying, etc... Seems like a better start for people who want an equal partnership in a relationship, and I do. Which is why I'm not following conventional wisdom. I'm not going for the leader/follower model.

 

I blew it with a guy I was interested recently... he mentioned that he had a 62 corvette sitting in his dad's garage that needed some work. I told him I'd volunteer to help him work on it, and that it was always on my bucket list to rebuild a car. I got silence at the other end.

 

I'm thinking what he had in mind for me was building cherry pies... not cherry corvettes. Oh well. He'll never find out that I can build cherry pies too. Very good ones.

 

Next!!

Edited March 7, 2012 by RedRobin

[BenH1000]

Sent her a text today saying I hope her week is going well. If I don't hear back from her, I'm 100% done. I've given her too many opportunities to display interest to me through communication.

[SJC2008]

Sent her a text today saying I hope her week is going well. If I don't hear back from her, I'm 100% done. I've given her too many opportunities to display interest to me through communication.

 

Yeah let us know what happens. I really like mine, I have no idea why as she never texts/calls and any other woman I woulda been gone with the wind. I want to tell her her neutrality is holding me back from taking the next step but that may be a surefire way to run her off. Men have feelings too and I'm not going to start investing emotioally and liking her more and put myself out there if she's not going to reciprocate. Whether it's to test my interest level or see if I have the balls to take it to the next level without her doing anything or what. What happened to the good ol days when 2 people just liked eachother?

[RedRobin]

What happened to the good ol days when 2 people just liked eachother?

 

I hear ya! There is this scene from Drew Barrymore's character in "He's just not that into you" where she's complaining about how there are just so many ways to get rejected these days...email, text... how it is just exhausting.

 

Now add to that, Facebook, twitter, blah blah. So many opportunities to analyze things and get/give confusing signals. Ugh.

 

I think from now on, I'm just going to tell men that I don't give or get texts... at all... I kinda got sucked into it myself, and I can see how it could screw things up.