Girl never initiates contact/having trouble reading her!

[BenH1000]

OK, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month now. We've gone on 6 dates and have had a lot of fun together. The last few dates, I've really tried to increase the amount of physical contact -- i.e. arm around her waist when walking, occasional hand-holding, etc. We've now had two "short" make-out sessions on the 5th and 6th date, and I can tell that she enjoys it when we kiss. My issue is, she's very difficult to read much of the time.

 

To begin, when I touch her, she doesn't move away, but she also doesn't reciprocate. When I put my arm around her waist, she doesn't really get closer to me. Other issue is, I'm always the one initiating texts/calls. She'll respond to all of my texts/calls, though. With that said, her texting habits are a bit odd. It usually takes her anywhere from 10 mins to a few hours (large range, I know) to respond to a text. I figure she's busy, so it's not an issue for me. Besides, I have gotten in the habit of matching her texting patterns so I don't seem overly eager. But why doesn't she ever text/call me first?

 

I just finished our 6th date together on Friday and, though we had a very quick make-out session, she did not invite me into her apartment. I am not in a rush to have sex with her, but it seems odd she hasn't invited me in yet (I've had her over my place). At the very end of the date, I didn't say anything about calling/texting her. I want her to contact me. Am I taking the right approach here? How can I make sure things are heading in the right direction between us? How can I better understand what she's thinking?

 

I haven't reached out to her since I saw her on Friday. I haven't yet received a text/call from her either. I am on the fence about the next step of communication. If I text her, I have to then "wait again" for potentially another couple days to see if she'll initiate contact. And I'll have to sit with the fact that, again, it was me that reached out to her. Going 7 for 7 will make me feel almost "needy", which I'm not.

 

On the flip side, I can keep waiting. Only problem is, if I wait "too long", it may make it look like I'm not interested. She may just "figure" I'll text at this point since I've gone 6 for 6 on communication initiation, so why wouldn't I keep up the trend? I think I'd give it till tomorrow night (a full 3 days) before I'd just send her a text/give her a call. Hmm...

[carhill]

Lukewarm interest would be my opinion. When I was young, I'd press on. Enough experience has taught me, if discerning this pattern, to move on to other potentials. I think it's fine that she's not 'inviting you in', but her desire for and interest in you should be evident and I'm not getting that sense. It doesn't 'feel' right.

[BenH1000]

Thanks for the response. Just weird that she's eagerly accepted my offers for next dates and has seemingly enjoyed our make-out sessions. She sends certain signals (flirtatious hair-flicking, laughing at things I say even when they're not THAT funny, witty back-and-forth) that also tells me she's interested. So that's why I'm hesitant to say it's "lukewarm" at best.

 

But. 6 dates ALL initiated by me (and planned, although I took the lead on planning them...but again, I set them all up, so it's only natural to then plan them as well). 5 weeks of dating and not one initiation text/call. And then, very little initiated physical contact (occasional hand on arm...that's about it, and usually that happens after I start touching her). Do you think she's just shy when it comes to this stuff?

[USMCHokie]

I honestly wouldn't have made it to the third date if she never initiated any kind of contact. I expect an equal amount of effort in any kind of relationship. This not only reflects her lack of interest, but also how she is as a person...

[The_Joker]

But. 6 dates ALL initiated by me (and planned, although I took the lead on planning them...but again, I set them all up, so it's only natural to then plan them as well). 5 weeks of dating and not one initiation text/call. And then, very little initiated physical contact (occasional hand on arm...that's about it, and usually that happens after I start touching her). Do you think she's just shy when it comes to this stuff?

 

This! Not ONE, even ONE initiation text/call?! Even mundane conversation asking how your day has been type of thing?

 

And then only an occasional hand on arm? My friend (girl) who I haven't seen in months has done even more than that. Maybe she is just shy? I don't know, it sounds like over a month, there should definitely be more than just that when she initiates.

 

I would say, wait, do not text her, obviously you have shown her affection and that you like her, so she knows you are interested, she will not think you are no longer interested if you stop contacting her, especially if you have already initiated the past 6 dates. I agree with carhill, lukewarm interest at best, and even say, she was interested in the relationship, are you OK with this relationship being the way it is?

 

Yes, girls like guys who take the lead, initiate/plan dates, but to guys they are actually interested in, they would at least text or call.

[TheFinalWord]

But. 6 dates ALL initiated by me (and planned, although I took the lead on planning them...but again, I set them all up, so it's only natural to then plan them as well). 5 weeks of dating and not one initiation text/call. And then, very little initiated physical contact (occasional hand on arm...that's about it, and usually that happens after I start touching her). Do you think she's just shy when it comes to this stuff?

 

Question: how old are you? How old is she?

 

Why not ask her? There's no way for us to know the answer for 100%. The only one who does know is her.

 

Call her and before ending the conversation..

 

"Hey it's okay for you to initiate contact with me too." in a friendly way. She'll get the hint (hopefully).

 

If she's given you 6 dates, she has to be at least mildly interested. If you can't even ask her why b/c of some type of fear, then there is probably not much potential for a relationship.

 

If nothing else, at least you'll have an answer

[SJC2008]

I had a thread on the same topic and the consensus ranged from not interested to being traditional/conservative. You're 6 dates in so odds are she is interested and she's traditional/conservative. A woman can still take it slow even though she initiates contact so I don't see why some of them do this. I don't like it and I'm going to start a new personal rule where if they dont't contact me 1st at least once after the 3rd date I'm out. Now I'm not saying I'm expecting her to ask me out but I'd expect a hey text or a quick call.

[carhill]

Good point on 'traditional/conservative'. OP, would you say her perspective is common amongst women you date in your locale? Also, what do you know about her relationship and family history?

[xpaperxcutx]

Does she have an ethnic background?

 

I wouldn't pin her for the traditional type, that just seems like a copout for why she never initiates. If she has a smartphone, chances are she's at least technologically savvy enough to text and call.

 

I know for a fact if anyone is interested regardless of gender and sex, they will find a way to contact you. Remember, if s/he is not calling you, they're just not interested.

[BenH1000]

Question: how old are you? How old is she?

 

Why not ask her? There's no way for us to know the answer for 100%. The only one who does know is her.

 

Call her and before ending the conversation..

 

"Hey it's okay for you to initiate contact with me too." in a friendly way. She'll get the hint (hopefully).

 

If she's given you 6 dates, she has to be at least mildly interested. If you can't even ask her why b/c of some type of fear, then there is probably not much potential for a relationship.

 

If nothing else, at least you'll have an answer

 

Thanks -- If I don't hear anything from her by tonight, I'm going to give her a call. I will definitely drop a hint that she can initiate contact with me. I don't want to be too forward about it, but I also want to make sure she gets the message. I'm really leaning towards "this girl is shy, but definitely interested". I'm not ready to move on just yet.

[volkl1996]

I went through this recently with a girl I met online.

 

7+ dates, some kissing, no hand holding..could not read her. Dates were a lot of fun.

 

In the end I told her it seemed she was more interested in a friendship. She admitted in the beginning she was though she started to like me. Unfortunately for me by then I was losing interest and had moved on.

 

You may just want to call her, no more texts, and have a talk about where things are and what your expectations are. Or plan a lunch to have a talk.

[BenH1000]

I went through this recently with a girl I met online.

 

7+ dates, some kissing, no hand holding..could not read her. Dates were a lot of fun.

 

In the end I told her it seemed she was more interested in a friendship. She admitted in the beginning she was though she started to like me. Unfortunately for me by then I was losing interest and had moved on.

 

You may just want to call her, no more texts, and have a talk about where things are and what your expectations are. Or plan a lunch to have a talk.

 

Wow, well it's good to hear I'm not alone. Do you think it's ok to just come straight out and ask her what she's looking for, what her interest level is, where things are/expectations, etc.? Not really my style to bring those kinds of questions up (usually just let the answers come out naturally), but at this point, I'm really tempted to ask. Just not sure how to ask 'em haha.

[carhill]

Are you ready to accept any answer?

[volkl1996]

My answer is yes, and pay attention to what carhill is asking. Be prepared to hear what you may not want to hear.

 

I actually heard what I wanted to hear, she was into me, she thought I was not into her, though for me it was a little too late as I had moved on emotionally. So it was all probably for the best for me.

[stillafool]

How old is she and how old are you?

[BenH1000]

Are you ready to accept any answer?

 

From her or from one of you guys in this thread? If the latter, I really like Volk's answer because it offers a method for solving the question of what this girl is looking for, whether she's interested, etc. If the former, I'm ready for an answer from her, absolutely. Though I will say, I'll be surprised if I hear that she isn't interested in me or a relationship given the positive signs she's sent across.

[xpaperxcutx]

Wow, well it's good to hear I'm not alone. Do you think it's ok to just come straight out and ask her what she's looking for, what her interest level is, where things are/expectations, etc.? Not really my style to bring those kinds of questions up (usually just let the answers come out naturally), but at this point, I'm really tempted to ask. Just not sure how to ask 'em haha.

 

6 dates onward is definitely an incentive to have some kind of communication about being on the same page. The worst thing is expecting her to understand by ' hinting". Be forward and firm about your needs so her answer will not end up being wishy washy.

 

If she feels the same way, there shouldn't be any hesitations.

[xpaperxcutx]

From her or from one of you guys in this thread? If the latter, I really like Volk's answer because it offers a method for solving the question of what this girl is looking for, whether she's interested, etc. If the former, I'm ready for an answer from her, absolutely. Though I will say, I'll be surprised if I hear that she isn't interested in me or a relationship given the positive signs she's sent across.

 

Being receptive doesn't equal positive. Because if it was truly " positive" you wouldn't be having a problem with her.

 

I agree with Carhill, are you ready for any answer? In a way, having a talk with her will come across as confrontation. Be prepared it might go 50/50 either way, between yes and no.

[BenH1000]

How old is she and how old are you?

 

I'm 24. She's 22.

[BenH1000]

Being receptive doesn't equal positive. Because if it was truly " positive" you wouldn't be having a problem with her.

 

I agree with Carhill, are you ready for any answer? In a way, having a talk with her will come across as confrontation. Be prepared it might go 50/50 either way, between yes and no.

 

Yeah, and that's what I want to try to avoid. I want to be able to bring this up like I'm not "ambushing" her. Suppose I could just say at the end of the conversation "hey, so there's something I wanted to ask you..." -- a bit softer than just coming outright and asking it.

[xpaperxcutx]

I was " seeing" a guy a few months back who was very wishy washy with dates. I was always the one initiating, yet he was receptive to my contacts. However, when it came time to setting up a date, he backpedals and cancels on me at the last minute.

 

I dropped him.

 

There is only so much attention you can give someone. It's never too much to ask that they act in kind, but when you're putting in at most 80% of the effort, you're better off dating yourself.

 

Don't be afraid to " talk" with her. I can tell you are a very honest person thus it shouldn't be hard to voice your concerns and hope that she can work on herself in that area. In a way you're giving her chance to change, if she doesn't come around after this, you can walk away knowing that it's not you, it was her.

[carhill]

From her or from one of you guys in this thread? If the latter, I really like Volk's answer because it offers a method for solving the question of what this girl is looking for, whether she's interested, etc. If the former, I'm ready for an answer from her, absolutely. Though I will say, I'll be surprised if I hear that she isn't interested in me or a relationship given the positive signs she's sent across.

Here's what I was responding to. Sorry for any confusion.

 

"Do you think it's ok to just come straight out and ask her what she's looking for, what her interest level is, where things are/expectations, etc.?"

 

When one asks such a question, one should be in a place emotionally to embrace any answer as the current truth and accept it as such and make a healthy decision upon that information.

[BenH1000]

Here's what I was responding to. Sorry for any confusion.

 

"Do you think it's ok to just come straight out and ask her what she's looking for, what her interest level is, where things are/expectations, etc.?"

 

When one asks such a question, one should be in a place emotionally to embrace any answer as the current truth and accept it as such and make a healthy decision upon that information.

 

Thanks. Yeah, I'm going to approach it gingerly. I see it as a win-win either way. If I ask her questions and get answers telling me she's interested -- great. That's the best case scenario. If I ask her questions and get answers telling me she's not interested -- I can also stop worrying and move on. But definitely need to get some answers.

[carhill]

The OP wrote:

 

"The last few dates, I've really tried to increase the amount of physical contact -- i.e. arm around her waist when walking, occasional hand-holding, etc. We've now had two "short" make-out sessions on the 5th and 6th date, and I can tell that she enjoys it when we kiss"

 

I presumed no lovemaking yet. OP?

[volkl1996]

Be careful..a buddy of mine is going through exactly this right now. The girl keeps telling him she is interested though something is always coming up when he tries to plan the next date. He keeps texting her back saying things like "I am flexible", which I have encouraged him to not do. He has show he is interested, it's her turn now.

 

Honestly, for me, when the "games" start early or you are left wondering "what's up" this early, something is not right and it's time to move on. Easier said than done I know.