Single and looking ladies, and options

[Els]

Interestingly, I'm finding a bit of dark humor in this whole thread.

 

Here's a man (SD) who is willing to be celibate rather than be with a woman with small(er) breasts.

 

Here's a woman (V) willing to be celibate rather than take the initiative in asking a guy out or simply responding to friendly PM posts.

 

We all have our blind spots. I'm just wondering what whacked out thing I'm doing that is keeping me single. Hmmm... I can think of a few things. Wow. This was really helpful.

 

Glad you got something out of it

[HeavenOrHell]

So even though a woman might be loving, kind, sexual, fun, generous and many other wonderful things, you wouldn't be interested if she had small boobs?

 

What I'd prefer is someone who loves me for who I am and not how big my boobs are, I wouldn't be with someone who wished I had big boobs, he wouldn't be my sort of man at all, I prefer someone with a personality and who loves me the way I am, it's called love.

 

 

 

Pretty girl and I saw your profile picture too.

 

Sadly, I can't control what I like. I would never be able to get over it.

 

I'm sure your thinking that it's no loss at all, and you're right considering my reputation on this forum.

 

Though tell me this, would you prefer a man who is completely into the way you are, or somebody who wished for something different?

[zengirl]

Well I can say that except for my philosophy group, if i go to a meetup group it is to meet people, but the downside is that when I come home again and I feel no closer to my goal of meeting that special someone, I actually feel a bit worse.

 

By only doing things I am really interested in though, I find I seldom meet people and spend most of my time alone. So I reason to meet someone I have to make the effort to get out there.

 

I found this as well. Most of the hobbies I most prefer, except reading (and many book clubs suck -- out of the dozens on Meetup, I found one good one in my area where everyone REALLY reads the books and started one more with my friends), are relatively solitary. I still do them, but I don't expect to meet people. So, I went to other things to meet people. Some of them actually surprised me and became things I REALLY had fun doing. Others did not, but I met cool people. Sometimes it was boring and I met no cool people and that was a bummer, but that's life.

 

Interestingly, I'm finding a bit of dark humor in this whole thread.

 

Here's a man (SD) who is willing to be celibate rather than be with a woman with small(er) breasts.

 

Here's a woman (V) willing to be celibate rather than take the initiative in asking a guy out or simply responding to friendly PM posts.

 

We all have our blind spots. I'm just wondering what whacked out thing I'm doing that is keeping me single. Hmmm... I can think of a few things. Wow. This was really helpful.

 

The difference, of course, is that SD blames women, whereas V doesn't actually blame men; rather, she blames herself (in a way I'd say isn't healthy but is at least less annoying than her blaming the whole male gender would be). Oh, and SD is also usually unwilling to take the initiative or ask girls out, unless he's been mooning after them for awhile.

 

And I don't think everyone who's single has such blind spots --- maybe if you're a longtime single? --- because everyone has been single. Sometimes it's just about timing and luck and not meeting the right person or being in the right place just yet.

[RedRobin]

My last relationship was about a year ago. I've dated since then. I've been divorced for about 10 years.

 

The wierdest thing I do that baffles my friends is immediately ditching men who Google me or attempt to Facebook friend me very early on. It might sound crazy, but I've found it has a very strong correlation with men who have anger/control issues.

[verhrzn]

Interestingly, I'm finding a bit of dark humor in this whole thread.

 

Here's a man (SD) who is willing to be celibate rather than be with a woman with small(er) breasts.

 

Here's a woman (V) willing to be celibate rather than take the initiative in asking a guy out or simply responding to friendly PM posts.

 

Everything I've asked a guy out, it's gone very, very badly for me, on top of the usual rejections and mockery.

 

Cause guys don't just turn me down with a polite "no"... they go on dates with me and spend the whole time complaining how hot girls don't want them. Or they mock me in front of their friends. Or even if they date me, it turns out they were doing so because I pursued them and they thought," Eh no other offers," and then dumped me when they found someone they wanted (ie, hotter.) Just like "He's Not That Into You" says... if a guy isn't pursuing you, he ain't interested.

 

Rejection can be difficult enough, but when it's so often coupled with mockery and deceit, it just really, really isn't worth it.

 

Additionally, I've been told I actually turn guys OFF by being so intimidating (aka, masculine.) By approaching them and hitting on them, I am emasculating them, and I am FORCING them to interact with me, which is why they have to call me a cow, to get the respect of their friends back. ("Oh my god, the fattie likes you!")

 

On top of rejection, mockery, and deceit, I am also breaking the social rules of conduct (men are active, women are passive) which only the attractive can get away with. Breaking social rules makes me feel uncomfortable already, which decreases what little confidence I have. At least guys can look for nonverbal signals and subtle come-ons from women; women smiling at them, holding eye contact, looking away bashfully, all that stuff. Guys don't give off signals. So I walk blind and unknowing into every single encounter. There is no way to figure out which guys I should approach.

 

I just don't understand why people give this piece of advice. It's really not fair to call such a thing a "blind spot." Some girls can get away with approaching men. I am not one of them, and it isn't constructive to continually shove me in that direction.

Edited March 1, 2012 by verhrzn

[RedRobin]

Everything I've asked a guy out, it's gone very, very badly for me, on top of the usual rejections and mockery.

 

Cause guys don't just turn me down with a polite "no"... they go on dates with me and spend the whole time complaining how hot girls don't want them. Or they mock me in front of their friends. Or even if they date me, it turns out they were doing so because I pursued them and they thought," Eh no other offers," and then dumped me when they found someone they wanted (ie, hotter.) Just like "He's Not That Into You" says... if a guy isn't pursuing you, he ain't interested.

 

Rejection can be difficult enough, but when it's so often coupled with mockery and deceit, it just really, really isn't worth it.

 

Additionally, I've been told I actually turn guys OFF by being so intimidating (aka, masculine.) By approaching them and hitting on them, I am emasculating them, and I am FORCING them to interact with me, which is why they have to call me a cow, to get the respect of their friends back. ("Oh my god, the fattie likes you!")

 

On top of rejection, mockery, and deceit, I am also breaking the social rules of conduct (men are active, women are passive) which only the attractive can get away with. Breaking social rules makes me feel uncomfortable already, which decreases what little confidence I have.

 

It's really not fair to call such a thing a "blind spot." Some girls can get away with approaching men. I am not one of them, and it isn't constructive to continually shove me in that direction.

 

You realize, I hope, that men experience exactly the same things when they approach women. And somehow they manage. Somehow a few of them even find partners.

 

Just like the guys, you'll get better at picking who is nice and who is not nice to approach. I'm not saying you need to do ALL the initiating. Just suggesting you might think about adding a few new tools to your dating box.

 

I saw the other thread talking about all the ways women can make themselves approachable, because I don't want to do all the initiating either. Sitting there thinking 'like me! like me!" ugh. Not my style at all. Haven't we progressed ANYWHERE??

 

Breaking social rules (the ones that need breaking... like women doing geeky things and asking men out)... I do get some pleasure out of that, yes. Turning conventions on their heads so that people are forced to reevaluate them. That sounds like fun to me!

 

I've never knowingly been ridiculed for asking a man out. I have had people think I'm a bit out there for trying this stuff, but oh well. That's me.

[RedRobin]

Verhzn,

 

I apologize if I sounded blunt in my prior post. I tried to go back and edit, but someone else had already posted.

 

I'm very sorry if you've been ridiculed and mocked. I've been ridiculed for lots of things. Asking a man out hasn't been one of them, but I know what it feels like.

 

Wondering if you could turn your anger about being ridiculed into sympathy and empathy for the truly nice men who have been ridiculed by not-so-nice women. He's (figurative 'he') is probably a shy guy too.. and one who might need a little nudge to come out of his shell after being hurt. Since you know where he's coming from, you could relate.

 

On the other hand, I believe I witnessed what appeared to be a mild form of mocking of men here who reached out to you via PM. I realize that words on a page don't often have the tone we intend it to. That was the impression it had on me though.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So even though a woman might be loving, kind, sexual, fun, generous and many other wonderful things, you wouldn't be interested if she had small boobs?

 

 

I KNOW. And, sorry to keep beating on this poor dead horse, but the thing that drives me nuts is how sd constantly criticizes women for turning down men "with nothing wrong with them."

 

According to him, women are messed up for even wanting to feel a basic attraction or to LIKE a guy, as long as "there's nothing wrong with him."

 

Yet he is comfortable rejecting women who probably have dozens of suitors, like EH, because of boob size?

 

The hypocrisy boggles.

 

I'm fine with his requirement, though just the fact that he has it would make most of the women I know reject him; he's entitled to reject anybody for any reason and to go for what he likes. I just wish he could see that other people (female ones) have the exact same prerogative, and if it's okay for him, it's okay for them.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think things like big boobs or a handsome face play more a role in attraction - a healthy man might be drawn to a woman with the boobs, but once he gets to know her, the size of her boobs plays much less of a role in the relationship.

 

Sd's thing about the boobs seems to border on a fetish. I also always notice that the ONLY "requirements" he has are physical. At least a B cup, not obese, and cute. And he says that ANY girl who has these qualities would "get a shot." No mention ever of any other things he values.

 

Sd, I really think you will need to get some help to re-set your perspective, or you will be unhappily alone.

[fortyninethousand322]

After reading some of the posts in here, I can't defend SD's fixation with breast size. I mean, whatever floats your boat but seriously, you're 30 and have never been in a relationship. It might be time to broaden parameters.

[aj22one]

I think things like big boobs or a handsome face play more a role in attraction - a healthy man might be drawn to a woman with the boobs, but once he gets to know her, the size of her boobs plays much less of a role in the relationship.

 

Sd's thing about the boobs seems to border on a fetish. I also always notice that the ONLY "requirements" he has are physical. At least a B cup, not obese, and cute. And he says that ANY girl who has these qualities would "get a shot." No mention ever of any other things he values.

 

Sd, I really think you will need to get some help to re-set your perspective, or you will be unhappily alone.

 

I'm a dude with his own fetish, though not with boob size (mine's probably worse and more exclusionary to be honest) yet I've not had half the problems Somedude81 has had. If he places breast size as priority number one then he's going to have to realize that rejection is a part of the game. When I was single I faced it routinely, but finding what you're looking for is worth it.

 

So, Somedude, expand your standards or face rejection.

[verhrzn]

Verhzn,

 

I apologize if I sounded blunt in my prior post. I tried to go back and edit, but someone else had already posted.

 

I'm very sorry if you've been ridiculed and mocked. I've been ridiculed for lots of things. Asking a man out hasn't been one of them, but I know what it feels like.

 

Wondering if you could turn your anger about being ridiculed into sympathy and empathy for the truly nice men who have been ridiculed by not-so-nice women. He's (figurative 'he') is probably a shy guy too.. and one who might need a little nudge to come out of his shell after being hurt. Since you know where he's coming from, you could relate.

 

On the other hand, I believe I witnessed what appeared to be a mild form of mocking of men here who reached out to you via PM. I realize that words on a page don't often have the tone we intend it to. That was the impression it had on me though.

 

I apologize for being blunt as well. I write forcefully at the best of times, and when I get passionate about something, it spills over. This topic is just a trigger for me, because it feels like nothing I do is satisfactory.... if I don't approach guys, then I'm doing something wrong, but if I approach a guy and it turns out he isn't into me, then I'm STILL doing something wrong because I should have figured it out when he wasn't pursuing me. UGH. Still, it being a hot button issue isn't an excuse for me to get snappy, so I'm sorry.

 

I do have sympathy for shy guys. I've sat and listened to male friends go on for HOURS about how shallow women are, and how ruthlessly they've been rejected. And I certainly don't mind giving a guy a nudge... but it just seems like approaching isn't the way to do it. Approaching seems to make things WORSE... I've now put the guy on the spot, and shone a light on his "inadequacy" (he's shy), and if he doesn't like me, he now has the unpleasant task of rejecting me, which he... might not get around to for a while.

 

Seriously, one of my exes dated me for 6 months even though he didn't really like me, but being a passive and shy guy, was terrified of conflict and "didn't want to hurt my feelings."

 

Outta curiosity, what did you read as me mocking any posters who PM me?

[zengirl]

I'm a dude with his own fetish, though not with boob size (mine's probably worse and more exclusionary to be honest) yet I've not had half the problems Somedude81 has had. If he places breast size as priority number one then he's going to have to realize that rejection is a part of the game. When I was single I faced it routinely, but finding what you're looking for is worth it.

 

So, Somedude, expand your standards or face rejection.

 

I think one of the worst things about SD's fetish is that he doesn't even think it's a fetish. That's the creepiest, honestly.

[somedude81]

And of course, nobody actually bothered to read, and comprehend what I wrote.

[ThaWholigan]

I think one of the worst things about SD's fetish is that he doesn't even think it's a fetish. That's the creepiest, honestly.

 

I have a fetish. My fetish is women, full stop .

 

I can honestly say I don't really know completely what I want in a woman, unfortunately (product of never dating perhaps). Physically I am attracted to all sorts, women with long legs and short, women with big booty, or little cute ones, women with big boobs and small, black women, white women, mixed raced, asian, hispanic women etc. and yes, fat girls too .

 

Perhaps in terms of mental attraction I will know more once I start to date properly, to form my boundaries.

[zengirl]

I apologize for being blunt as well. I write forcefully at the best of times, and when I get passionate about something, it spills over. This topic is just a trigger for me, because it feels like nothing I do is satisfactory.... if I don't approach guys, then I'm doing something wrong, but if I approach a guy and it turns out he isn't into me, then I'm STILL doing something wrong because I should have figured it out when he wasn't pursuing me. UGH. Still, it being a hot button issue isn't an excuse for me to get snappy, so I'm sorry.

 

FTR, I strongly disagree with the bolded premise. I know you didn't 'make it up' and that it's out there, but a lot of negative ideas are out there and we can choose not to integrate them into our core beliefs. I never felt bad about approaching a guy who wasn't interested and any man who ridicules you for it is an *******, just like any woman who ridicules a man for approaching her is a bitch (this is all assuming approaching doesn't mean 'constantly stalking' or 'not hearing no,' of course, but actually just approaching).

 

That said, I'm not suggesting you approach if you're against it or have that bad a taste about it, I'm just suggesting you stop berating yourself for being rejected. Being rejected is hard enough without feeling bad about even trying because of it!

 

V, I honestly wish I knew you in real life or lived anywhere near you. I seriously think I could help you change your social perspective and fix these things a bit if I could actually take you out and about and show you new social scenes and such. Perhaps you just need better friends? Whenever you speak about your friends, they don't seem supportive or like they do much to 'build you up.' I know my friends do that for me. Some people don't think friends have to, and maybe you don't think that's 'realistic' and won't even let anyone do that (I could see that---you're a tough person to talk to sometimes), so maybe it's just that it's exhausting for friends to try to help you in that way. I can see that, too. I just don't know. But I think what you need is just to experience these perspective changes, rather than being TOLD them, though all we can do is "tell" over the internet.

[somedude81]

I think one of the worst things about SD's fetish is that he doesn't even think it's a fetish. That's the creepiest, honestly.

---------------

Uh, no.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/312449-women-have-easier-than-men-final-thread

 

What happened to big breasts, no LDR, long hair, and a few other things I've seen you mention?

No LDR should be a given. The vast majority of people marry somebody who lives in the same town they do. Or at least within 20 miles.

 

Long hair, yes shoulder length hair is a requirement but it's not exactly hard for a woman to meet.

 

Big boobs:love: Such a fetish of mine. I would be ecstatic to date a girl who was thinish and D or larger. But it's not a requirement. I guess a B is fine. Beggars can't be choosers right

[xxoo]

SD would rather be single than to date someone fat, or with small breasts.

 

That's fine.

 

The only problem is all the whining about being single, and "unfairness".

[zengirl]

---------------

Uh, no.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/312449-women-have-easier-than-men-final-thread

 

Then, why do you act as though it's a perfectly normal, okay requirement. I think maybe you don't know what "fetish" means then, since you spent so much time in this and other recent threads asking why it's so "wrong" and saying it's what makes a woman a woman after all and so forth.

 

SD would rather be single than to date someone fat, or with small breasts.

 

That's fine.

 

The only problem is all the whining about being single, and "unfairness".

 

Oh, true. I'm not saying he should date anyone he doesn't want to date!

[verhrzn]

FTR, I strongly disagree with the bolded premise. I know you didn't 'make it up' and that it's out there, but a lot of negative ideas are out there and we can choose not to integrate them into our core beliefs. I never felt bad about approaching a guy who wasn't interested and any man who ridicules you for it is an *******, just like any woman who ridicules a man for approaching her is a bitch (this is all assuming approaching doesn't mean 'constantly stalking' or 'not hearing no,' of course, but actually just approaching).

 

That said, I'm not suggesting you approach if you're against it or have that bad a taste about it, I'm just suggesting you stop berating yourself for being rejected. Being rejected is hard enough without feeling bad about even trying because of it!

 

I know there are jerks and players out there, and that rejection from them shouldn't be given a second thought. What really gets to me is that these are "nice" guys... Guys who supposedly yearning for female attention. The fact that the same three scenarios happen over and over again just sends me into a tailspin of doubt and frustration. I mean, the common scenario in all of these is me, but I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. The rejections are just always SO cruel... It just makes me wonder why my life is so different than other people's (the overly cruel rejections, the never getting approached or flirted with, etc.) It's hard not to go," Okay, what the f- is wrong with me?"

 

V, I honestly wish I knew you in real life or lived anywhere near you. I seriously think I could help you change your social perspective and fix these things a bit if I could actually take you out and about and show you new social scenes and such. Perhaps you just need better friends? Whenever you speak about your friends, they don't seem supportive or like they do much to 'build you up.' I know my friends do that for me. Some people don't think friends have to, and maybe you don't think that's 'realistic' and won't even let anyone do that (I could see that---you're a tough person to talk to sometimes), so maybe it's just that it's exhausting for friends to try to help you in that way. I can see that, too. I just don't know. But I think what you need is just to experience these perspective changes, rather than being TOLD them, though all we can do is "tell" over the internet.

 

I probably do need better friends. My friends are frankly pretty self-absorbed. If I disappeared tomorrow, I think it'd take them a few months to notice. I know how to make friends; I just have no idea how to make GOOD friends. The more I do the things self-help books tell me to do (ask questions about the other person, do nice things for them, be there for them) the more people seem to take advantage of me.

 

Experience is always preferable to being told. I've thought about hiring a "life coach" but they're ungodly expensive, without a good guarantee that they could help, or are even decent at their job. Guess for right now I'm just stuck.

 

Maybe we should all try an LS meet-up sometime.

[somedude81]

SD would rather be single than to date someone fat, or with small breasts.

 

That's fine.

 

The only problem is all the whining about being single, and "unfairness".

I'd rater be single than date somebody who is very overweight.

 

Small breasts would not keep me away from a girl but I don't feel I could be completely into her because of it.

 

Then, why do you act as though it's a perfectly normal, okay requirement. I think maybe you don't know what "fetish" means then,

Is it wrong to have a fetish?

[aj22one]

I know there are jerks and players out there, and that rejection from them shouldn't be given a second thought. What really gets to me is that these are "nice" guys... Guys who supposedly yearning for female attention. The fact that the same three scenarios happen over and over again just sends me into a tailspin of doubt and frustration. I mean, the common scenario in all of these is me, but I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. The rejections are just always SO cruel... It just makes me wonder why my life is so different than other people's (the overly cruel rejections, the never getting approached or flirted with, etc.) It's hard not to go," Okay, what the f- is wrong with me?"

 

A shy guy who acts like a complete f*** head to you is not a "nice guy" he's a shy guy who's a f*** head. Seriously we've read your posts where you describe what these guys say and do. Just because they're shy and don't go on dates that often doesn't mean they're nice people.

[verhrzn]

A shy guy who acts like a complete f*** head to you is not a "nice guy" he's a shy guy who's a f*** head. Seriously we've read your posts where you describe what these guys say and do. Just because they're shy and don't go on dates that often doesn't mean they're nice people.

 

True, though I always thought they were nice because that's how all of their friends describe them, and the guys (aside from me) treat their girlfriends like queens. Maybe I turn genuinely nice guys into jerks??

 

Outta curiosity, what's your "fetish"?

[somedude81]

Is it wrong to have a fetish?

Of course, keep in mind that my fetish doesn't hurt anybody or put any one in danger nor is it anything illegal.

[aj22one]

True, though I always thought they were nice because that's how all of their friends describe them, and the guys (aside from me) treat their girlfriends like queens. Maybe I turn genuinely nice guys into jerks??

 

It's more likely that their dirty laundry is kept behind closed doors.

 

Outta curiosity, what's your "fetish"?

 

Brown women (Middle Eastern, Indian).