Should he still talk to his ex now?

[chelsea2011]

He can't stand hurting people's feelings and he can't stand when someone he built a relationship with - friend, customer, ex-girlfriend, family - is angry or cuts him off.

 

Umm...even at the expense of his relationship with you? This is his issue and looks like a potential road block for your relationship. He needs to figure this out otherwise it will continue to be an issue in your relationship. The only problem is that you can't force him to figure it out - you can only point it out - he has to do that on his own.

[G8rKelly]

The latest is that he understands why I am upset now. He doesn't necessarily agree with me, but at least he gets it. His point of view, apparently, is that he believes that anyone he might see that he's gone out with in the past already knows that we are together.

 

He hosts a sports radio show, and he has mentioned "his girlfriend" and my name specifically on the air several times. He also tweets about me and shares about me on Facebook, and has photos of us and a public relationship status with me.

 

So I guess he feels like any further mention of it would be beating a dead horse and also might seem rude or weird.

 

He's also said that going forward, any female friends he has will be well aware of his relationship with me, and that if I don't want him to have lunch/coffee or otherwise hang out with them individually, he won't. He also said that in the future, if he actually keeps in touch with anyone from here, he would have no issue with introducing us.

 

I think he is making some reasonable concessions. One of my best traits is loyalty, but it can also be a fault, because I would ditch any guy friend in a heartbeat if it was upsetting to my relationship with my boyfriend or husband.

 

Anyway, he says he is going to do some other things, too, to demonstrate his commitment and that I'm his priority. Thanks everyone for your input... most of you were helpful and I appreciate it.

[2sunny]

The latest is that he understands why I am upset now. He doesn't necessarily agree with me, but at least he gets it. His point of view, apparently, is that he believes that anyone he might see that he's gone out with in the past already knows that we are together.

 

He hosts a sports radio show, and he has mentioned "his girlfriend" and my name specifically on the air several times. He also tweets about me and shares about me on Facebook, and has photos of us and a public relationship status with me.

 

So I guess he feels like any further mention of it would be beating a dead horse and also might seem rude or weird.

 

He's also said that going forward, any female friends he has will be well aware of his relationship with me, and that if I don't want him to have lunch/coffee or otherwise hang out with them individually, he won't. He also said that in the future, if he actually keeps in touch with anyone from here, he would have no issue with introducing us.

 

I think he is making some reasonable concessions. One of my best traits is loyalty, but it can also be a fault, because I would ditch any guy friend in a heartbeat if it was upsetting to my relationship with my boyfriend or husband.

 

Anyway, he says he is going to do some other things, too, to demonstrate his commitment and that I'm his priority. Thanks everyone for your input... most of you were helpful and I appreciate it.

 

Does that mean he's not going to be in contact with his old GF that bothers you? Or is he still planning to keep in touch with her?

 

B clear. I can't tell what you're typing because you're mentioning too many things.

 

Stick to the issue at hand.

[g450]

I think so, too. I have even told him that I wouldn't think it's so terrible if he had shared with them that we are together. We got in a fight this morning about it and now he is at a work event for a couple hours. I guess I have to talk to him about later.

 

I even facebook chatted with his female cousin who's a friend of mine, and she agrees that if he doesn't tell them about us that it is not right of him to be seeing them.

 

I texted him to suggest that instead of seeing them individually he have a going away dinner/party and invite everyone, including me. That way he can ensure that they are "just friends", but still see everyone and at the same time they will obviously know he and I are together.

 

My gut says he won't go for it though.

 

If he wont then you will have your answer. Went through this with my GF as well. She wanted to chat with an old FB. So I called him and invited him and his WIFE out for dinner. He went into panic mode. Seems his wife did not know anything about his history with my GF. I told him that if he wanted her he could come over to my place and help her start packing. That was the last my GF heard from him.

 

When people do this they are keeping options open. In his mind he could still have his FB if his marriage didnt work out or if my GF and I didnt work out he could have her on the side like he did before. Luckily I nipped that in the bud. Had to do something similar with her XH.

 

If your BF has a need for approval (attention whore) then he should be glad to go along with your party idea. If he rejects it then you will know what his real motivations are and you can start to exit the relationship for your own good as nothing good will come of it.

[2sunny]

I want him to move to Atlanta. His job here sucks. He and I have talked about goals such as getting married, buying a home and having kids some day. We'll never be able to accomplish those if he stays in this job. The Atlanta job is much better for him and for us as a couple.

 

Additionally, he has said repeatedly he wants me to move there with him. He has encouraged me about job-seeking there. He's asked his future employer good places to consider renting or buying homes. He is living with family temporarily to save money and to see if I might be able to move up there, too, before he gets a place on his own.

 

His moving is completely irrelevant.

 

I wasn't really talking about his physical move. I'm talking about his emotional connection to you - mainly his ability to NOT consider YOUR feelings when he engages with these gals.

 

And you can't make him say his or not say that! You can't! He talks to THEM because HE WANTS TO! He doesn't care that he's hurting your feelings by doing it!

 

THAT is enough for any gal to know!

 

Then you acting so controlling is just -ugh!

 

When you have to beg a man to treat you with kindness and decency - its already OVER!!!!!

[sigurpol]

When you have to beg a man to treat you with kindness and decency - its already OVER!!!!!

 

That goes for anyone, IMO. If you really had to take charge of a party and control the RSVP for the sole intent as to not have fun, but to show everyone that you two are together.. its too forced, its meaningless.

 

Not that you would do that, I'm just chiming in here.

 

But, I don't know, as I read through the rest of the story, it looks pretty damaged. Its turning into a power struggle. I would look into an escape route, as much as you want it to work out and want the best, getting out will keep you happier in the long run.

[Emilia]

I don't understand OP why you got back with this man after he dumped you for another woman back in 2006 or 2007. Where is your pride? You practically have to beg him to give you any sign that he cares about you and committed to you. He is an attention whore who keeps his options open. Sooner or later another girl will come along for whom he will fall hard and he will leave you.

[blueskyday]

I think he is trying to placate you, but not really fixing the underlying problem. A LDR is very difficult, and requires an incredible amount of trust in order to work.

 

For me, I see some dealbreakers:

 

1. He broke up with you to go back to an ex. Um, no.

 

2. He needs validation from other women, and other people in general. These kinds of people generally have bad boundaries and are easily swayed by flattery.

 

3. He doesn't put you first without a huge fight, and even then, I'm not so sure he puts you first. He seems self-centered.

 

4. He has no problem keeping certain things secret. What a load of BS about not telling these coffee meet up exes, that you two are together. I wouldn't even trust him if he tells you that he has told them. The fact is, he should have told them on his own.

 

5. None of my successful married friends have a husband who has a bunch of gal pals. Couple friends, yes. Old friends from before the marriage, yes, but as you say, they are "friends of the relationship," and of the wife, too, now, at least in spirit, even if they don't hang out.

 

I would focus on how all this makes you feel. It's very hard to figure out other people's motives. It makes you feel uncomfortable, and that should make him fix it.

 

Be careful, here. This is your life, and your future. Think hard about how much more you want to depend on him. If he doesn't go for the party idea, then there you go....he's not willing to compromise, and that in itself is a deal breaker, girl. He has no need to meet up for coffee with these girls. No need at all.

[blueskyday]

Oh, and if he needs to be friends with the ex he has been obsessed with, on FB or chat on the phone with her EVER, after all the trouble it has caused, then dump him.

 

Huge red flag. Huge!

[G8rKelly]

I really appreciate your words, bluesky. A lot of what you said made sense. And you are right; it does make me uncomfortable. If I said I was going to end things today, I'd be lying, but I most definitely have some very important things to consider here.

 

I reached a point in 2009 where, just as you said, all I knew was that I would never be happy with my bf being in contact with that particular ex. I think I may be getting nearer to that point again now, where I just see clearly I'm not going to be happy with some things going on.

[RiverRunning]

You have stated YOUR preference. He blew you off and did/does what HE wants - knowing it WILL hurt you.

 

Is that the kind if guy YOU want? Because that IS the kind of guy he's proving to be.

 

Why would you want a man who intentionally hurts you?

 

 

 

OP, most of your post reads like my last relationship. It's simply not worth it to bang your head on walls, always wondering (even when he stops the behavior causing your jealousy) if he's still talking to her, if he still has feelings for her, etc.

 

I get that there are people out there who still want to talk to their exes, etc. - but I also think they need to be very realistic and so many of them need to stop acting absolutely shocked when they learn that their current partner isn't OK with it. I will never again date a dude who's in any kind of contact with an ex, or who still has feelings for his ex. When you get into relationships with people like that, the end result is that you're invariably dancing and singing and pulling off an amazing show to try and get him to see you as #1, but he never will.

 

The fact that this other woman has a husband and a child doesn't mean anything. Really, it doesn't. There are countless women in similar circumstances who would cheat in a heartbeat if the ex would go for it. She's shown a lack of consideration for your relationship before, knowing how much damage she's causing. What would make it different this time? She's never going to bow out.

 

I also think it's troubling that he's not telling his other little gal-pals about his relationship. Why does he need to keep in contact with all of his little flings anyway? I do very much think the "I'd like to keep in contact with my ex" bit, 99% of the time, really means, "I haven't moved on from my past/I still love my ex/I want to be with my ex again." I have yet to hear of a story where those three possibilities aren't obvious explanations for wanting to contact the ex.

 

I've mentioned in other threads that I've met lots of people who shaped my life in marked ways. And then things fell apart - this goes for friends as well as exes - and that was just that. I moved on. I appreciate the good times we had, I appreciate the times they helped me, but the relationship has died and I have moved on. It's kind of surprising to me how little people are able to do that. It doesn't mean I'm cold-hearted and that at one time they didn't shape my life and I didn't love them - but you have to survive and move on if you want to have a future.

 

You guys have been in this dance now for 6 years you said? You've been doing this since your late 20s. I can't imagine having such a shaky relationship in my 30s - at first based on all the craziness I thought this relationship must have spanned from the ages of 16/17 - 22/23 or so. That's usually when such craziness starts to die down. I don't blame you for being tired of this crap.

 

Now, you do have to ask yourself why you're staying. It's clear this isn't going to work in the future. Frankly, this guy reeks of a player to me - and you will always be the one he's CURRENTLY with while you hang out with his harem of ex lovers and ex-girlfriends, knowing someday you too might be looking from that group and staring at your boyfriend's new girlfriend.

 

Are you afraid you can't meet anyone else? Is it your age? If we can get to the bottom of that, maybe you'll find the strength you need to pull away and find someone who will treat you like #1 all the time.

[G8rKelly]

I know you are correct. I went through that whole thought process in 2009 when I finally broke up with him over his contact with the ex who broke us up. I knew I would never be happy with him in touch with her. I knew (based on what he told me) that he was never going to stop talking to her. So, the answer was obvious - we had to break up.

 

It is becoming clearer now, although I'm not yet to the "let's break up" step yet. I do feel it's somewhat inevitable though. I'm not happy.

 

I want to be in a relationship where my boyfriend or spouse feels so much love and respect for me that he would rather build up our relationship than stay in touch randomly with an ex.

 

All these little things are just proving to me that maybe he does love me, but he doesn't love me enough to be all in. He always finds little ways to keep one foot out the door. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter.

 

Makes me super sad. He is moving next weekend to Atlanta. I'm thinking this will be the last weekend I see him.

 

Addition: Yes, I think part of it is my age. I have beautiful, accomplished friends in their late 30s/early 40s who haven't found someone to build a marriage with, and I really want that. I wouldn't say I'm desperate, but I do want to be married and someday have a family of my own.

 

I suppose I'm afraid that since I'm now 33, the pickings are getting pretty slim. Plus, I do really love him and could see a life with him. But if he is not on board with that, then I need to move on.

Edited March 9, 2012 by G8rKelly

[petal28]

I know you are correct. I went through that whole thought process in 2009 when I finally broke up with him over his contact with the ex who broke us up. I knew I would never be happy with him in touch with her. I knew (based on what he told me) that he was never going to stop talking to her. So, the answer was obvious - we had to break up.

 

It is becoming clearer now, although I'm not yet to the "let's break up" step yet. I do feel it's somewhat inevitable though. I'm not happy.

 

I want to be in a relationship where my boyfriend or spouse feels so much love and respect for me that he would rather build up our relationship than stay in touch randomly with an ex.

 

All these little things are just proving to me that maybe he does love me, but he doesn't love me enough to be all in. He always finds little ways to keep one foot out the door. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter.

 

Makes me super sad. He is moving next weekend to Atlanta. I'm thinking this will be the last weekend I see him.

 

Addition: Yes, I think part of it is my age. I have beautiful, accomplished friends in their late 30s/early 40s who haven't found someone to build a marriage with, and I really want that. I wouldn't say I'm desperate, but I do want to be married and someday have a family of my own.

 

I suppose I'm afraid that since I'm now 33, the pickings are getting pretty slim. Plus, I do really love him and could see a life with him. But if he is not on board with that, then I need to move on.

 

Big hugs to you Kelly. You're not alone in this. I hope things work out for the best. Keep us up to date with your decision.

[G8rKelly]

Big hugs to you Kelly. You're not alone in this. I hope things work out for the best. Keep us up to date with your decision.

 

Thank you very much! I really appreciate your kindness.