Wife made stupid mistake

[DazednConfused]

Guys!

 

I really do appreciate both of your stands on this issue, as well as your willingness to take a stand.

 

TMCM - I have read your posts for quite some time, and I nearly always agree with you. But in this case, you are with out some information that WW has simply because WW and I share some things privately. In other words, I have shared more details w/ her privately than I have shared within this thread.

 

I truly do mean it when I say that I have committed myself to making this work and am giving it an honest 150%. This is not like some who say, "I'm staying until the kids are out and then I'm gone!" Mine is more of a goal-setting. "When my daughter finishes school, I will then fully evaluate where I stand in relation to my wife."

 

The fact is, that she had a year-long emotional and sexual affair is the most devastating thing I have ever experienced, and that includes the loss of my brother to suicide. Some people do all the right things and never do get past or over the betrayal. Some do. I don't know at this point which category I am. But I do think it reasonable to place a time in the future in which I will take a hard look and decide if the reconciliation has progressed enough to continue or to let the ship sink.

 

You want intimacy from your W but secrecy for yourself. I'm sorry but this smacks of manipulation on your part.

 

There is no manipulation here. In fact it would be manipulation if she was working against a deadline.... "Do this by this time or else!" Frankly, I am not interested in getting anything from her through coersion or any other way except that she realize it is the right thing to do. In the end, the choice is mine, how could I trust anything she did in the final six months if she knows she is against the wall?

 

Yes. The choice will be mine. I know what she wants, which is to remain married to me. Hopefully, she will still want that in a couple of years. In this case, however, my wants were not taken into account when she decided (and they do decide, it doesn't just happen.) to have an affair. Consequences to me and my psyche were not considered nor solicited. So I suppose in this single respect, you can compare my deadline to her affair.

 

So, while I do appreciate and understand your viewpoint TM, I respectfully say that imposing this timeline for myself is one of the few things I am absolutely sure is correct in this entire fiasco of my life.

 

-Dazed

[Tristram]

Dazed, I am impressed by your vigilence and overall calmness. I think you have the right idea. I have done something similer to that myself. She does'nt know and will not know untill the time has passed. Why can't they understand that lieing just makes matters worse? They think telling the truth will when the exact opposite is true. And you can even tell them that over and over, yet still they do not get it.

[binarysys]

Dazed -

 

Thanks for your reply. I am glad you were able to read what I wrote and think about it. I thought maybe I had come off as to harsh.

 

I can see your point about a personal deadline. I might not agree with it, but I see your point. The reason I do not agree is the fact that you are setting a timeline to judge your wife against that she has no clue. People deal with serious issue like this differently. What happens if she has her 'light bulb' the day after your daughter graduates? I mean I am being facetious here...but does the point come across? She might feel secure in the fact that she can deal with these issues on her own timeline, never knowing that she is running out of time.

 

But then it comes back to her also. I also see your point in needing to know all the detail of what happened, that you have asked many times IN THE BEGINING, and she has yet to come 100% clean. So you still ask. And new things come out. Even if she has her own timeline on how to handle the issue, I think I need to look at things from the other PoV. Why does she hold back and hurt you again and again? If she has not learned yet that these things have a way of coming out no matter how much she tries to hide them, then logically it follows that the rest of the secrets will come out and it will hurt you all over again. Does she really have a lack of understanding that if you do the same thing the same way, you get the same results?

 

I dunno, it almost sounds like she is not in the recovery 100%. Maybe putting a verbal timeline will spur her to move forward with you. Or, maybe you know deep down from her actions lately that she will fail your personal timeline and so you have a good 'out'. The - See I tried everything and she didn't work hard enough- out. Not that you need one...I think the A was a good enough reason to leave.

 

It would seem to me that if she really had full remose, she would go up and beyond to try to make sure she did not hurt you anymore. No matter what it took, within reason.

 

I wish you the best. You have made this woman vow to make sure my husband never hurts in this way. He is too good of a person.

[whichwayisup]

But then it comes back to her also. I also see your point in needing to know all the detail of what happened, that you have asked many times IN THE BEGINING, and she has yet to come 100% clean. So you still ask. And new things come out. Even if she has her own timeline on how to handle the issue, I think I need to look at things from the other PoV. Why does she hold back and hurt you again and again? If she has not learned yet that these things have a way of coming out no matter how much she tries to hide them, then logically it follows that the rest of the secrets will come out and it will hurt you all over again. Does she really have a lack of understanding that if you do the same thing the same way, you get the same results?

 

I dunno, it almost sounds like she is not in the recovery 100%. Maybe putting a verbal timeline will spur her to move forward with you. Or, maybe you know deep down from her actions lately that she will fail your personal timeline and so you have a good 'out'. The - See I tried everything and she didn't work hard enough- out. Not that you need one...I think the A was a good enough reason to leave

 

Good insight.

 

The thing is, how many times does he have to tell her to be upfront about it? It's like she doesn't fully see the whole picture, she's caught up in hurting him. Well, she IS hurting him more by not coming completely clean and is aware of it.

 

Sadly for Dazed, he is the one who seems to be suffering more. And he doesn't deserve it after all the bending and accepting he's done. Much of this now is in her hands and she's not doing ALL she can to fix things.

 

Hang in there D.

[mental_traveller]

Aren't you are in danger of making a serious mistake here? From your posts would I be right to say that your wife is still not coming totally clean even 1 1/2 years after the affair was discovered? Isn't that a red flag? What guarantee do you have that she won't do this to you again? How would you feel then? You've invested over a year of effort and turmoil to try and rescue a permanently scarred relationship with someone who you cannot even rely on not to cheat again. If she had been totally honest and sincerely apologetic since the affair, then I think you'd have some reason for trying to patch it up. But it seems like she's still not being totally truthful. Don't you worry that you might be completely wasting your time? Only you really know the true situation, but to an outsider it looks like you're spending an awful long time barking up what now appears to be the wrong tree.

[DazednConfused]

If she had been totally honest and sincerely apologetic since the affair, then I think you'd have some reason for trying to patch it up. But it seems like she's still not being totally truthful. Don't you worry that you might be completely wasting your time?

 

I guess this is one of those things that you have to be there for. The sincerely apologetic part is there in spades. in fact, i think she would take her own life rather than cause me this pain again.

 

Again, i can fault the totally truthful part only in the sense of omission. What she answers, she answers honestly and to the best of her knowledge; it becomes a matter of asking the right questions. I can't fault her motive of trying to protect me and herself, it's human nature.

 

Completely wasting my time..... nah, people have gone thru and endured far worse than I. I have posted my time limit, and I will stick to it. I certainly will not spend twenty seven years on it.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, but not all is black and white.

[sylviaguardian]

I guess this is one of those things that you have to be there for. The sincerely apologetic part is there in spades. in fact, i think she would take her own life rather than cause me this pain again.

 

Again, i can fault the totally truthful part only in the sense of omission. What she answers, she answers honestly and to the best of her knowledge; it becomes a matter of asking the right questions. I can't fault her motive of trying to protect me and herself, it's human nature.

 

Completely wasting my time..... nah, people have gone thru and endured far worse than I. I have posted my time limit, and I will stick to it. I certainly will not spend twenty seven years on it.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, but not all is black and white.

 

It's also human nature to want to know about the 'double-life' that your spouse has led and not knowing makes you feel shut out. Therein lies the problem. The BS wants to know ALL the details, the WS knows that ALL the details will cause more hurt, humiliation, rage etc and wishes to avoid it so says nothing.

 

Dazed is right. It isn't black and white. Welcome to the real world

[mental_traveller]

I guess this is one of those things that you have to be there for. The sincerely apologetic part is there in spades. in fact, i think she would take her own life rather than cause me this pain again.

 

Again, i can fault the totally truthful part only in the sense of omission. What she answers, she answers honestly and to the best of her knowledge; it becomes a matter of asking the right questions. I can't fault her motive of trying to protect me and herself, it's human nature.

 

Completely wasting my time..... nah, people have gone thru and endured far worse than I. I have posted my time limit, and I will stick to it. I certainly will not spend twenty seven years on it.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, but not all is black and white.

 

Ok, that makes sense - obviously I can't know just from reading posts here how it is. Good luck to you, I hope it works out!

[Owl]

Dazed-

 

I'm sure you remember my story my friend. Wife had an online EA...etc...

 

I can understand your feelings my friend. My wife pretty much HATES to talk about what she did at all. It was six months AFTER we began to reconcile that I found out that she had called OM twice way after I had THOUGHT that they're last phone conversation was. She didn't admit it to me...I found it because I had to go through our cell records to make some choices on how to modify our plan. When I brought it up (in a VERY non-confrontational way) she got VERY upset that I had mentioned it or that it bothered me...because to her it was IN THE PAST THAT SHE WANTED TO FORGET.

 

I've reached a point where I'm sure that there are some things that were said and done that I've not learned about yet...but I've also decided that it really doesn't matter to me. I'm working on our present and our future. As long as I don't have to worry about going BACK to that kind of situation, I can live without knowing all of it. It won't make it go away, it won't fix the situation...and I know that she's not going to get into another A again, so I'm working on that 'what's done is done' philosophy now.

 

Why does not knowing these details bother you now, my friend? Is it because you feel that you can't trust her if she doesn't come completely clean? This is NOT an attack at all...I hope you remember me well enough to know that....it's simply a question so that I can understand why you feel what you feel and have chosen the path that you have. Knowing WHY you feel and react the way you do is the best way to help yourself to heal...because then you can either modify your own behavior if it needs it, or you can clearly understand WHY something has to be a certain way...and hopefully clearly articulate that to your wife in the hopes of getting her to understand what's needed, why, and what the potential dangers are if it's NOT needed.

 

Make sure that you clearly decide if knowing this information is a 'need'...or simply a 'want'. And if getting the information is worth the pain it will cause your wife...or contrarily, if not having the information is worth the end of your marriage.

 

Good luck regardless my friend...simply wanted to help you to work through this if I could.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I've reached a point where I'm sure that there are some things that were said and done that I've not learned about yet...but I've also decided that it really doesn't matter to me. I'm working on our present and our future. As long as I don't have to worry about going BACK to that kind of situation, I can live without knowing all of it. It won't make it go away, it won't fix the situation...and I know that she's not going to get into another A again, so I'm working on that 'what's done is done' philosophy now.

 

I kinda in the same boat here....

 

the more I really think about what went on....and the little bits I get when we DO talk...the more I KNOW I dont know EVERYTHING that went on.

 

Ex: She intially said to me that it was mostly emo....and that they only had oral sex about 12 times....and that they did it in his car...a mustang?...yeah right....so the other day...I duuno..I just made a comment about I aint stupid, a mustang is kinda small to do that.....I bet you guys had a place somewhere that you went and I bet you did it in our mini van too. SHE got very defensive and said, its over and in the past I dont wanna talk about it. I just replyed I aint stupid honey...a mustang is too small to do that....

 

Also...in the beginning...she stated that it was mostly OM that wanted the sex part....but the other day during one of our small talks....she said that sometimes it was HER chasing heavy for the sex....

 

SO...with all that said....I KNOW, that I dont KNOW the whole details of the sexual side of the A.....and I dont know the TOTAL extent of the EA....

 

 

BUT like Owl said....for me to heal....I must focus on the now and future....hard to do...but i am getting better at it.....

 

it is what it is....she had an affair.....now I am either IN or OUT of this M.

 

I choose to be IN....so my actions must follow that choice....I cant choose to be IN...and have my actions and attitude show that I am OUT....

[Spectre]

Honestly, why do you wanna make it work? why would you wanna continue to have a relationship with a slut?

[whichwayisup]

Spectre, HOW you are helping by saying that. Have you actually read this WHOLE thread of DazednConfused? Or just glanced at it and formed a quick opinion.

[Spectre]

How is it helping? by bringing everyone back to reality, ill admit, i didnt read every page of this massive 14 page thread, but I read through the posters original post, which is all I needed, his wife had an affair with him, for a good amount of time, lied to him about it countless times, slept with another man

 

shes a slut, bottom line...why forgive? why would u wanna raise children with some skank who goes out and humps the first guy to give her attention? sorry, I feel no pity for people who cheat, and theres no damn excuse for it, then this chick has the balls to read this topic and get upset? please, if any female treated me like this her ass would be out the door in a hurry

[whichwayisup]

OK fine, but you could show some respect for Dazed. As hurt and angry he has been towards his wife, he's never called her names nor disrespected by calling her what you keep calling her. Noone is telling you to feel sorry for her, she brought it on herself...But don't condemn him for wanting to make it work because of their daughter, because he still loves her. It's not so cut and dry - Until one goes through something similar, you can't just sit there and say "I'd do this or I'd do that." Noone knows for sure until they're smack in it!

[Spectre]

OK fine, but you could show some respect for Dazed. As hurt and angry he has been towards his wife, he's never called her names nor disrespected by calling her what you keep calling her.

 

Well maybe he should? maybe she needs to hear those things

 

 

Noone is telling you to feel sorry for her, she brought it on herself...But don't condemn him for wanting to make it work because of their daughter, because he still loves her. It's not so cut and dry -

 

its not so cut and dry..she was boning some other dude for a year, seems pretty cut and dry to me, and oh yes! when she was out ridin some other guy she suuure was showing how much she cares for her family, I'd LOVE to grow up knowin mommy was a wh*re

 

To me, if you CAN get the images of your wife humpin some dude out of your mind? then the marriage isnt worth it, and if you CANT get the images out of your mind, the marriage isnt worth it

 

bottom line: if you love someone you dont spread your legs for someone else..I dont see that happening here, unless i missed the page where shes mind controlled into being that way..? then she has an excuse, otherwise? nope

 

Until one goes through something similar, you can't just sit there and say "I'd do this or I'd do that." Noone knows for sure until they're smack in it!

 

Havent dealt with chidlren, but ive dealt with skanks, and i know exactly what I'd say "ta ta"

 

im actually in the situation right now where some girl thinks she can pull the wool over my eyes about her ways

[whichwayisup]

If you want to debate, start your own thread. I'm not hijackin' Dazed's thread to argue with you...Seems you're not really offering him advice, and I don't feel like getting into this tonight with you.

[binarysys]

Spectre - I agree with whichwayisup...start your own thread if all you want to do is show how little respect you have for women. And don't go trying to blow smoke up our a$$ saying it is only those that cheat. You obviously have been hurt and now the language you use to describe even your girlfriend gives your anger away.

 

Owl and whichwayisup - I agree with you also in your methods to move on, and your commitment to be IN the marriage. I still respect Dazed, but to me it just still doenst sit right. I dont think that he is there 100%.

[DazednConfused]

Spectre. You do NOT get to call my wife a whore, a slut, or anything else that comes into your ignorant little brain. You do not know her. You do not know me. Take your insecure little self back to the hole that makes you happy. You have no clue about anything, and I have nothing else to say to you. Ever.

 

To Owl; I want pertinent truths. I think I deserve them. I have no desire to know every position, etc. too disturbing. Why do I want them? For precisely the reason she hides them. I would rather face the pain and get over it than live with an axe waiting to fall. We all know the truth has a nasty way of sneaking out on it's own. I choose to face it while I am prepared than to find it down the road when I am relaxed and secure.

 

Of course I will not know everything. I can live with that. I should know what I want to know because I have one of the involved parties right here.

 

 

Binary; You may be correct, I will have to take a hard look at myself yet again.

 

Thanks for your thoughts guys; I appologize for the delay in keeping up, having some employment change things going on that is taking much of my time.

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

Something just rang out at me. WHY should you have to look at yourself, yet again? I probably know the answer to this already, maybe it's the way it just jumped out at me on the screen - But really, how can you DO more when you've just about done it all? Know what I mean?

 

Probably send you a PM or something later. Stay well D.