frenchmanfl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I thought it was time for me to contribute, because I went through a similar story as yours, just two days ago in fact. I needed to come here for a mental re-alignment too. Fortunately across two threads I had some very cool people come and contribute advice and thoughts that were both educational but that also understood where my heart was at. It's all too easy for people to say " forget him...he is a loser " etc. but that kind of advice is too hard to receive when your heart is broken and your deeply in love. I won't get into the whole story, except that my exgf and I got back together after a 6 weeks split and she came at me with a barrage of reasons why she didn't trust me ( very minor infringements that would have been quickly overlooked in a normal relationship ) and that she needed to move slow and see if we could be friends first. Note this was only an 8 month long relationship. Anyway after several weeks of push / pull behavior and some dialogue, I decided I couldn't go with the " friends " arrangement and proceeded to send a sweet letter expressing my thoughts on the matter. That I needed some form of commitment and understood if she wasn't ready for that but that I needed to pull away emotionally in order to move forward. That if she had a change of heart, I was looking at the future ( basically saying work what you have to work out and if... ) Note that I went through a couple of days of NC after she pulled one of her three days of silence after my leaving a message. Suddenly after not returning her first call she was calling me three times a day and sending texts. Well after my email, all hell broke loose and within the space of 2 hours I was blamed for not being loyal, everything was my fault, I needed therapy, was likely bipolar. She had been the one playing games. Then she said I am not interested in you anymore, please don't communicate with me again. goodbye. She did the same thing the first time we broke up. In short, while I was pulling away from her a couple of hours before, suddenly being " done " was on her terms. I am not going to get into the mental illnesses aspect except to say that they were not a secret but for the hardest hitting one which was never discussed but became obvious after some help from friends on this site. I bring all of this up because you mentioned " depression ". I am not going to render a diagnosis but it certainly sounds like your boyfriend is push/pulling and it is important to understand that this is not a vindictive move or meant to hurt. Instead I believe your boyfriend did and does miss you but that your charge back caused engulfment. Too much emotional stimuli. When this happens they go straight into shut down mode. It's too much emotional data for them to process. One would expect that feelings of love would be welcomed but not in this case. Problem is that with push/pull there is no medium ground. Anyway I won't go any deeper. If he reaches out again to you then try one last time and play it cool. I can't see immitables posts on this page but I liked his responses better. My issue with my exgf was not that I wanted to rush into happy times and as if nothing went wrong but simply because I expected this to happen as a committed couple. The commitment was too much. She had done the three days silence to me before we broke up. At the time I didn't understand it but one day finally asked her and she said that she was mentally exhausted and needed rest that it had nothing to do with me. At that time we were a committed couple but it is not hard even then to wonder if they might be losing interest. The friend thing and some other detail I won't get into made my head spin too hard during those days of silence, after the return to the " relationship " so I put my foot down. She had confirmed that she has OCD and I know that drawn out social interactions drain them and can throw them into a depression. It very well may have been that her silences were a result of this ( after the return ) but the lack of commitment was simply not acceptable. There is a lot more to this story, but this is not meant to be about my situation but yours. It's very convoluted but it certainly sounds like your exbf has some underlying issues. I assume some people will yell at me here for making assumptions but if you hadn't mentioned his admitted depression I might not have gone where I am going. Depression is rarely the only problem. Rollercoaster ride is the expression most often used in these relationships. Up down up down and you either learn to go with the flow or you get crushed every time their minds take things in an unexpected direction. I am not asking you to go down a path but you obviously love this guy so it's something to think about. If the signs are all there ( which only you can determine ) then it can help de-personalize their behavior. It could very well be that your exbf is just a jerk but it all sounds too familiar and extreme, especially how far he took his approach. It sounded like he was trying to get back in and then panicked. Men who are jerks tend not to be able to hide that they are jerks for very long and I am assuming that a smart girl like you would not have fallen in love with a jerk. Ultimately my point is that when you are confronted by these mind screws it is completely standard to feel like you might actually be the one who is crazy. You can get spun around so fast that you need someone to bring you back to reality. Let him chill and then hopefully come back around and this time maybe even apologize for having maybe coming off too strong, that you were just happy to be back in contact but that you want to take things slow, get to know each other again etc. Know that if he does suffer from something, which includes serious depression that if things do work out you should do tons of research and decided whether you are ready for a lifetime of roller coaster rides, if he chooses not to get help. I cannot tell you how many stories I have read from people who were even in long term marriages who didn't realize, till near the end of the relationship that there were mental issues with their partners. Should this relationship go further, and you make your own determination that many of the signs are there ( by this I do not mean reach and make connections where there are none ) then I want to at least have you rule out the possibility or help you prepare. Once again I am not rendering a diagnosis but after what I have been through I know that there are differences between a jerk and someone who suffers from emotional issues. It sure sounded like your ex was doing more than playing with you. Your choice on how to run with it. Again I like immicables post. I have also received some sage advice on the need to move on regardless. The need to heal yourself. I will not be making the same mistake this time around, whether I might still hold out some hope that down the road my exgf and i can get past all of this and try properly is another matter, but I have to move on for myself and not wait around either physically or mentally. No matter how scary it is to think of letting go for your own health, because I know that it's hard for me, it is unfortunately the only way forward. You can't stay stuck in the same groove. My two cents.
frenchmanfl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 ps it helps to call them names ( when you are walking around your house, under your breath ) and to think about the things you didn't like about them. Ultimately, these things would never be deal breakers for me, but it can help you pull away. Remember if the love is there, just because you pull away doesn't mean you can never feel for them again. True love never goes again but it can be shelved.
RecordProducer Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I'm scared I'm bi polar or have some kind of mental health problem for still loving him. OMG, you're completely nuts and should be locked in the nut house before you pose harm to society! Butter, it took me a long time to get over. Seven months is nothing. It's the hot-cold, push-pull that keeps you on the roller coaster. It kept me, too. You know what helped me most? I read Downtown's posts and realized that even if we were together, I would never be happy with my ex because he's defective. He has BPD. There is a way to get over and you have to find that way for you. I searched for it for years and finally, I am at peace with the divorce because I know now that our relationship could have never worked and will/would never work no matter what. After my first divorce, I had similar phases: denial, agony, hope, grief... but the healing began when I realized I was more miserable with him than without him. The fact is if these people were right for us, we would've been with them. But things weren't right no matter how much we tried to make them right, so we shouldn't grieve. I know it's easier said than doen, but a lot of it is in our minds - more so than in our hearts.
Sugarkane Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Buttercup you aren't mentally I'll, it just feels like it coz you went through a breakup! If anything your ex should be diagnosed with mental illness.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 OMG, you're completely nuts and should be locked in the nut house before you pose harm to society! Butter, it took me a long time to get over. Seven months is nothing. It's the hot-cold, push-pull that keeps you on the roller coaster. It kept me, too. You know what helped me most? I read Downtown's posts and realized that even if we were together, I would never be happy with my ex because he's defective. He has BPD. There is a way to get over and you have to find that way for you. I searched for it for years and finally, I am at peace with the divorce because I know now that our relationship could have never worked and will/would never work no matter what. After my first divorce, I had similar phases: denial, agony, hope, grief... but the healing began when I realized I was more miserable with him than without him. The fact is if these people were right for us, we would've been with them. But things weren't right no matter how much we tried to make them right, so we shouldn't grieve. I know it's easier said than doen, but a lot of it is in our minds - more so than in our hearts. Haha thanks for that it made me laugh . I think I think too much and can't relax . What you said about being more miserable with him than without him is true . Apart from missing him and all that , my life is a lot better without him , I am doing a lot more than I did while with him . I am in a good space now and while it won't last , at least I think clearly now .
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