Buttercup84 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Since he contacted me again after dumping me in July Ive been a mess . He wanted me back , said all the right things , wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and me being the best thing that happend to me , then he went cold , saying he has depression and should have never contacted me . Now he is being distant again and all those things he said seemed like a lie . And like a fool , I believed him and really thought we could work it out , he really wanted me back . His own words . Now I'm heartbroken again , can't imagine life without him . Like geegirl said , I worship him . I'm scared I'm bi polar or have some kind of mental health problem for still loving him . I'm in therapy , go to the gym all the time and keep myself busy . I was stable before he said all that , if it was just a " how are you " I'd be sad but know he just asked me that . Now I'm posting here again and it's been 7 months and I should be over him , yet a future without him depresses me .
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Your "illness" is love, but it's not an illness... but a gift You know he emotionally abused you for a long time and did things just to hurt you. He continue to try and assert his control over you and keep you from healing, as he seems to show the "just gotta win" trait that many dumpers have. He continue to come back for reassurance, but when he gets the reassurance he needs from you he changes his tune. You need to stop responding to this person as you know that during the relationship he was emotionally abusive and treated you poorly. Your heart is a wonderful thing, not an illness. Once you have healed you will one day find that person who will truly cherish your heart and not play games with it. One who will guard it and not abuse it or bring it pain.
esteem-jam Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 So what? You may have a prejudice, like, "if I have manetall illness nobody will like me"... thats wrong and people here continiously tell you how lovable you are. If a person likes you, he likes you with all your faults. And definition of mentall ilness is very liquid- while one could say for sure that epilepsy is epilepsy because they have seen you pass out, but one could not say thay that you have bipolar or schizopfrenia or depression. Ok, maybe OCD is more visual and the person knows this himself. Opinions are just that, opinions. You decide what to do with them, you are free to experiment with meds, because its your life, and in your life your happiness matters. I am diagnosed with schizophrenia. One of the things I can say for sure- I overanalyse things, trying to see patterns everywhere- like what she said, why she dressed so, why the photo is like that. And I have anger issues sometimes. Anti-psychotic meds are made to combat that, but for now im taking 20mg of Lexapro.
lalalandman Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 He's just feeding you a bunch of crap. Like Phil said, he's only looking for reassuranceand once you've filled his meter, he's ok to walk merily on his way, all chipper like he's just been on the cover of Sexiest Man Alive. You're letting this chump control your emotions. Just play it cool. He's the one who is confused. Screw it. If anything you should be feeling sorry for him. So take the power back, now. The reins are right in front of you. Just take them, for god's sake.
Ajax Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Well, I'm not a doctor and cannot diagnose a mental illness, but it doesn't sound to me as if you're mentally ill based on the situation you're describing. Like Philosoraptor said, you were in love. I know it seems like it, but seven months really isn't that long. It takes time and hard work to move on, and it may take longer than seven months to move on. It took me about seven months to just feel OK, and that was with complete NC since two weeks after the breakup. But even when I felt "OK" I certainly wasn't over it. Not by a long shot. Please don't judge yourself too harshly or think that there must be something "wrong" with you. I followed your thread when he sent you the email, and agreed with what most posters said. He said everything that dumpees want to hear, and then yanked the rug out from under you. That would make any one of us stumble. You may have discussed this in other threads that I haven't seen, but what are some things you've done for yourself in the past seven months? I would at least recommend doing something or going somewhere that you wouldn't have been able to do/go when you were with him. Start making new memories, and eventually the old memories won't hurt so much. Good luck Buttercup!
geegirl Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) Since he contacted me again after dumping me in July Ive been a mess . He wanted me back , said all the right things , wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and me being the best thing that happend to me , then he went cold , saying he has depression and should have never contacted me . Now he is being distant again and all those things he said seemed like a lie . And like a fool , I believed him and really thought we could work it out , he really wanted me back . His own words . Now I'm heartbroken again , can't imagine life without him . Like geegirl said , I worship him . I'm scared I'm bi polar or have some kind of mental health problem for still loving him . I'm in therapy , go to the gym all the time and keep myself busy . I was stable before he said all that , if it was just a " how are you " I'd be sad but know he just asked me that . Now I'm posting here again and it's been 7 months and I should be over him , yet a future without him depresses me . There's no other reason for you to feel this way but for the emotional attachment that you have for this man. There is no timeline when it comes to breaking away. You spent 7 months pining for him rather than grieving and finding ways to reach a realistic view of what you really had with him. You've idealized consistently and I've said this before that you have to reprogram your mind. Oh, he wanted to have kids is countered with does he have what it takes to be a great father and husband. Nip romanticizing and start really thinking. When you start with a sullen thought, it creeps like weeds and before you know it, you're stuck in victim mode, dwelling. Don't hide behind a label because you can't reason why you need to keep him in your life other than your need to be loved and validated. An abusive relationship is much harder to detach from because you've been conditioned in a way that keeps you craving for toxicity because that is all you know. I am a product of child abuse. It was normal for me to go to school with a neck brace while everyone was looking in horror. Oh, I fell down the stairs. Oh, I deserved it. I grew into an adult accepting abuse, in all forms as normal. You are doing the same thing. You have been conditioned to accept ill treatement as love and you have been conditioned to keep going back for more because that is all you know. The dire need to feel accepted and loved overrides basic logic. You worship him because you don't love yourself. An abused woman, after being hit will always say, "Oh it was nothing, I know he loves me." This was my mother. This was me as a child. You're in this thought pattern Buttercup. Clinging to a man, any man to accept you because all you want is to be loved and accepted. The sad part is, you don't even love yourself. What do you think you are projecting when you feel this way about yourself? Your self-esteem is broken. I don't know what your past has been like before this man entered your life but you really need to work on rebuilding yourself and if you are in therapy, your therapist needs to be finding the root rather than engaging with you about this guy because he's just the surface of your issues. Stop trying to dig a bigger hole by planting a seed in your head that you probably have a mental issue. Your issue is you don't want to let go. Your issue is dependency. Your issue is you can't see your value. He's devalued you and there you will stay. You can fight and get out of victim mode. Yes, you've spent 7 months. Get back on track. He will never change. The situation will never change. You can if you want to. All you need to do is accept that this is the end and you cannot keep doing this anymore. You don't want to be posting here a year from now with the same musings. What's the alternative? Engaging in a vicious cycle or breaking it? You said you were feeling better before all this happened. Invest more time and you will double those good feelings. You just need to stop derailing yourself. Block him from communicating with you. Edited January 26, 2012 by geegirl
shayla Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Mental illness? I don't think so, not if this is the only indication. I've read several of your threads Buttercup, and all I see is that you are being manipulated by a game playing man. The hot cold game, the push pull game, it's all a mind f*ck designed to make him feel good about himself because he actually feels so low. His ego boost from knowing that you love him and that you want him back even though he is grinding your mind up like wheat into flour means more to him than anything else, and he will keep poking you with a stick until you stop responding to him for good (or you go absolutely insane, which this game can and will do to you if you let it). Recognize the game. Recognize him for what he is, and never believe anything he has to say again. Never respond to him no matter what he says, better yet, shut down every means of communication he uses so you don't have to see or hear anything he has to say again. Otherwise, you will keep getting this foolishness and you will continue to react to it. Dude will have you twisted like a Twizzler for as long as he can keep you playing his game.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Mental illness is contagious and he gave it to you. Well, not exactly but in a way. I suffered similarly. My relationship with someone you had a weird complex I didn't understand could exist and my own belief that I could resolve everything by just arguing it out with logic with her, turned me into a complaining, sad, and mentally unwell and self-medicating person. The trouble is not that mental illness like depression, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, and others are contagious, it that we are completely ill-prepared to recognize them in others and take the steps to insulate ourselves from such people. You can not love him. You are caught up in disappointment and want for the person you had hoped or believed him to be. He is not that person. You are probably not mentally unwell--put perhaps could be assisted by some professional help and one of the newer anti-depressants meds for a while to help you clarify your understanding of both your own self and who this person really is. You don't have to qualify as mentally ill to used proper medicine to sharpen your mind and thus your emotions. Been there. It works.
carhill Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Is your therapist a psychologist? IME, the best way to focus is to black hole NC the person whom the unhealthy attachment is with, focus on the therapy and yourself and be open to the process. A good psychologist will refer you out (generally to a psychiatrist) if s/he wants a second opinion on your mental state and whether it is organic or situational in nature. Overwhelming emotions can make one feel 'crazy'. Sometimes one can learn to cognitively process those emotions differently to a different place, and sometimes medical intervention is required. The people best equipped to help you in those areas are professionals. We'll be here for support and to share our experiences. Good luck
immitable Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 You're not ill. I'll try giving you a little different perspective than everybody else gave you here. I won't say he's not for you, I won't say you pant him black, I won't say move on. These things are not easy and he has shown that it is not easy for him as well. What you need to understand is that you are heartbroken and thus acting needy and pining. When he reached to you he wasn't expecting to see that neediness to show imediately. In other words you shouldn't have reacted immediately to his e-mail/text. It just shows that you haven't had any life on your own ever since the breakup and this is an attraction killer btw. My advice to you would be to try to have fun, regardless what you do, stop each thought of him immediately and go out and about, get on with your life. By you being happy and independant, you become attractive to others. Botteom line Buttercup, love yourself a little more.
immitable Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 You're not ill. I'll try giving you a little different perspective than everybody else gave you here. I won't say he's not for you, I won't say you should paint him black, I won't say move on. These things are not easy and he has shown that it is not easy for him as well. What you need to understand is that you are heartbroken and thus acting needy and pining. When he reached to you he wasn't expecting to see that neediness to show imediately. In other words you shouldn't have reacted immediately to his e-mail/text. It just shows that you haven't had any life on your own ever since the breakup and this is an attraction killer btw. My advice to you would be to try to have fun, regardless what you do, stop each thought of him immediately and go out and about, get on with your life. By you being happy and independant, you become attractive to others. Bottom line Buttercup, love yourself a little more.
immitable Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 You're not ill. I'll try giving you a little different perspective than everybody else gave you here. I won't say he's not for you, I won't say you should paint him black, I won't say move on. These things are not easy and he has shown that it is not easy for him as well. What you need to understand is that you are heartbroken and thus acting needy and pining. When he reached to you he wasn't expecting to see that neediness to show imediately. In other words you shouldn't have reacted immediately to his e-mail/text and continued conversation as if nothing happened. It just shows that you haven't had any life on your own ever since the breakup and this is an attraction killer btw. The old relationship ended and maybe thre is going to be a new one with him, who knows, but the old patterns needed to be broken. My advice to you would be to try to have fun, regardless what you do, stop each thought of him immediately and go out and about, get on with your life. By you being happy and independant, you become attractive to others. Bottom line Buttercup, love yourself a little more.
lalalandman Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Agree with Shayla. He needs to **** or get off the pot. Stop allowing his behavior by 1. Responding and 2. Reacting emotionally. Immitable is also correct. Go live your life and stop allowing him so much control over you.
immitable Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I seriously didn't intend to post three times, something is wrong with the server.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Buttercup, You're going to be ok, trust me, I know what you are going through, no one here understands, you are going to come out just as emotionally strong as me. Keep posting and self talking darling, you're doing good. You are not bi polar, I assure you. If you have any questions send me a pm
Dust Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 You're not mentaly ill unless you believe you are. Go to a doctor and they'll diagnose you with something wether with some disorder wether it be anxiety or what ever and start you on life long medication. If I were you I'd just stop being so hard on yourself. No need to label and judge yourself. Just feel what you feel and let time heal you.
Dark Phoenix Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 For those of you that do not see it and are typing out essay long responses to her posts, she's self talking. Her last series of posts here have been all self talk. I assure you, shes not reading any of them. When I went through this, I may have read the posts, but I didnt "READ" them. Look at the titles "I" In every title and she has I through out the posts. She's telling herself the battle going on with herself. This has nothing to do with the ex. That last post had nothing to do with the ex, it was a mask for her own internal conflict. When she says shes bipolar, shes talking about the split ego, good and bad ego fighting each other battling for control. Shes in a Burnout.
Surfer Girl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Buttercup What man does that....once again he emotionally abused you....leading you on...when you were just beginning to get over him.....it is not you it is him...I would have responded too an email you thought was sincere....yuk. His loss...now he puts you back with his words.....you were strong once you will be strong again.....
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 Thank you all again for reading and answering my post . I know I am messed up and need to get my **** together . I did not mean to make light of mental illnesses with this post . I know I write too many threads and I will try and stop.Thank you xxxxx
shayla Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Buttercup, if starting threads like this one is what you need to fight out the battle you are having, who are any of us to say that it's wrong? If this is what you need to do, please do it. All i'm going to say as advice is to ignore that man that is hurting you and stop his mental masturbation in it's tracks. All the feelings you are having are coming from your reactions to what he is doing. The only thing that will stop him, and ultimately stop you from feeling this way is you. Good luck.
geegirl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Thank you all again for reading and answering my post . I know I am messed up and need to get my **** together . I did not mean to make light of mental illnesses with this post . I know I write too many threads and I will try and stop.Thank you xxxxx Write as many threads as you want if this is where you are able to express and process your feelings. This forum is here to provide you support. Use it anyway you see fit.
shayla Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I have read Buttercup's threads over the last year speaking of her relationship with this man and I do not believe for one second that she is the reason he did this to her. I do agree that she should have ignored him completely. That is what you do when a man spent a relationship being abusive, then throws that relationship away. He knew who Buttercup was before he wrote that email. He knew that she has a weakness when it comes to him and he needed that validation because he's in a bad place for the moment. He ran when she responded because he got what he needed. I'm not going to sit here and make judgments and blame her for what he did. It's wrong to keep kicking her when she is down.
betterdeal Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 If you think you're mentally unwell, and you know he is as well, maybe the cure is to separate the sufferers from each other so they don't cross-infect one another. Just as laughter and yawning are infectious, so can other mental states be. If contact with him results in you feeling as you do now, maybe not being in contact with him is better for you? In my mind, his words to you were maybe kind sentiments, but not the answer for his malady or yours. He needs help from people who can give it. If he broke a leg, he'd see a surgeon to get it fixed, not you. Now he is unwell in another way, he needs to seek people who can help him with calm, caring yet detached attention, and who have necessary support for themselves. People like family, friends, professionals who are in stable positions themselves, and who have the energy to spend, and who won't become too attached. The same goes for you. You're going to be okay.
shayla Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 You know what Flourescent, you are absolutely right. I apologize for taking your other post the wrong way.
NSDNQ Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 it really is amazing how similar the two are aint it? actually if you look at the brain scans of people who have been recently dumped they resemble a schizophrenics brain more than a sane person's. you think, feel, and sometimes do some crazy f*cking things when you're in love. and everyone moves on at they're own pace. I've been here almost a year.
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