Author Tibby321 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Thank you Pete! Spoke with a different solicitor today who agrees with you. He said what the 1st solicitor may of ment was that it would be unlikely he would be successful with a claim. I have managed with the help of a very kind lady at the courts to retract my seperation partition and will submit again in April. Again many thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 I have good NC for over 2 weeks had loads of texts, phone cal and a couple of letters. Then nothing but they started again this weekend. Came home Sat after shopping to find flowers on door step. I havenot being reading texts or letters but read a couple today. He is still saying he loves me with all his heart but if i dont want him any more then please text and let him know. I could of sworn that i said that a few times. When I got married it was with all good intention and this is hurting me. You cant turn off the feelings in such a short space of time. I read other posts where BS wants to believe that things will work out and usually the response is negative. I have had a few calls from other members of his Christadelphian church. Do i meet with him? The advice i have had is NC at all from counceller. Is she right or am i being cruel? I have a good life, friends, family. Have already arranged a trip to US to see brother. I feel sad that he appears to be some what lost. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If he was serious, he'd be looking at himself to change, not you to take him back. It's still all about him. Nothing changed. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Cruel? He is the one who is cruel. He cheated on you and ruined your marriage less than a year after taking his vows. So anything you do is not cruel in comparison to that. He is the one who caused all of this. If he does not like the consequences of his actions then he should have thought about that before cheating. If you do a crime you get put in prison... if you cheat on your wife she will divorce you and never speak to you again. Everyone knows that, it's common sense. You certainly don't have to meet or speak to him if you don't want to. What reason is there to do so? He's just going to lie and beg... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Just got home from work. Huge bunch of flowers on door step in a most amazing vase. That does not sway me. Letter through door saying he is willing to seek help either alone or together. He also said he would consider judicial seperation if that would put my mind at rest. (i know that judicial seperation would not give me total freedom from him financially now but if possiblly does ou know that). Could this be the start of a change in him? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 No it's just him taking the steps that he expects will get a REACTION from you. Text him and say 'let me know when your therapist thinks you have crossed a bridge.' Remain Pitch Black contact otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 'laugh' yes it's illegal here. Never mind maybe the drink will kill him Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 . Could this be the start of a change in him? You honestly believe that? Link to post Share on other sites
astraith Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I did lots of detective work and did find out that my new hubby is cheating on me. I told him part of what i know but not how I found out. He is always saying the same thing, that he loves me, has no one else and I am imagining every thing. I left but he wonts me back but only If i am happy with him. How can I be happy when he wont tell the truth. I have a voice recording of them when she visited him while i was at work. I've told him i know she was there and at what time. Why is he denying it? He is not in the right frame of mind right now. My wife -- who also cheated on me -- denied it. Was actually ANGRY that I looked on her Facebook besides coming to her first. AND HAD THE BALLS to tell me how I SHOULD BE FEELING. What I found help was I left. She hurt and pissed me off, and said some things that was very hurtful and I decided I can't be with her. So I left. I went to my friends house. Stayed there for a couple days. By day two she was deactivating her Facebook and begging me to come home. If you haven't all ready done that, it be best. We still have a lot of work and I know you will too if you want to make your relationship work. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 He has arranged a meeting with a Chritadelphian relate counceller. I will go and with an open mind. The advice I have been given is meet him there and leave on my own. He is asking that I met with him before hand but i will not. I have not replied to this request that he text, should I? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 I wish you luck also Astraith. I have read about what is called the 180 to get a partner back. It was not my intention when I went NC and started moving on with my life. I wanted to be away from him for good - the 180 works 'laugh'. My gut feeling is that nothing will change plus I am feeling tons better being away from him. Sad really 'cause it used to be the other way round. I cant meet with him this week end any way as i have planned a trip to Swansea to see my daughter, she is great company and I know she will enjoy the freeb meals (smile, think i'm joking). Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 He has arranged a meeting with a Chritadelphian relate counceller. I will go and with an open mind. The advice I have been given is meet him there and leave on my own. He is asking that I met with him before hand but i will not. I have not replied to this request that he text, should I? Yep meet him there and leave on your own. It will definitely be interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 He has arranged a meeting with a Chritadelphian relate counceller. I will go and with an open mind. The advice I have been given is meet him there and leave on my own. He is asking that I met with him before hand but i will not. I have not replied to this request that he text, should I? No, definitely do not meet up with him beforehand. Don't reply to his text. Two questions: 1) Do you share his Christadelphian beliefs? 2) What do you hope to achieve from this meeting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 26, 2012 Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 I am a Chritadelphian but i am tied of him quoting scriptures. What i want from this meeting tomorrow? I have to answer that i'm not too sure. Could be he could never claim i refused to go. Maybe i need someone to say to him what you have all been saying and that i am doing the right thing by waking away from some one who has 0 respect for me. My last say maybe to him within a safe environment (final closure - getting letters every day again). He may not turn up as he is requesting earnestly to met up before hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I am a Chritadelphian but i am tied of him quoting scriptures. What i want from this meeting tomorrow? I have to answer that i'm not too sure. Could be he could never claim i refused to go. Maybe i need someone to say to him what you have all been saying and that i am doing the right thing by waking away from some one who has 0 respect for me. My last say maybe to him within a safe environment (final closure - getting letters every day again). He may not turn up as he is requesting earnestly to met up before hand. I would not meet beforehand, but I would attend any session with a presiding brother. I would stay dignified, calm, and assert that you, like Christ, want to judge this man by his actions; he has deceived you repeatedly and you know longer trust his words and are afraid to trust his actions over the short haul; that you intend to proceed with walking away because he is NOT a man of integrity and faith. While you do believe in forgiveness, you are not stupid and will not forgive today, tomorrow or even next week. Temptations are internal and until he has fixed himself and proven himself trustworthy, you are afraid to stay married to him, be subject to his lying and his deceit any longer. You will encourage all to be patient with you as you heal and you are not available for begging for your forgiveness, not yet. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I would not go to this meeting at all. I am afraid I do not know much about religion but I will tell you what I have seen from my experience and what I suspect is going to happen. Your ex has been talking to the - forgive me I don't know the correct term - priest? who will be the "councilor" for this meeting. He has said that he wants to fix the marriage and probably cried a whole bunch of crocodile tears while lying through his teeth about never having cheated. He is going to totally play the victim and portray you as a confused lost sheep who needs to be brought back to the flock. The priest is going to completely do your head in with how you must forgive your husband and the sanctity of marriage etc etc. Rather than telling your husband to be honest and confess his infidelity and do the right thing, YOU are going to be portrayed as the one who is destroying the marriage, and put under great pressure to "do the right thing" and give him another chance. You are very vulnerable right now and I think this kind of pressure will affect you greatly. I do not think that any of your reasons for going to this meeting are going to happen, in the slightest. You stand to gain NOTHING by going to this meeting. It's all about him him him. Yes, if I were you I would definitely tell him that you are not going to go to this meeting, that in 3 months time you will be filing divorce papers, and that if he wants forgiveness for his actions then that is a matter he should take up with God. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I agree. I would NEVER go to counseling from a religious organization over a DEGREED psychologist who spent their whole college term learning PSYCHOLOGY. I watched a nice young woman go completely berserk because her 'religious' therapist convinced her that what she had been doing (being married, honoring vows, etc.) weren't good for her. They simply don't have enough training to not guide you in their personal belief system. And that's no better than any other guy off the street who took 2 college classes in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 I went to meeting. Hubby did the religious angle. Counciller pointed out that no religion would be brought into the meeting. Husband doing the victim and blaming but again counceller was not playing to that one. He picked up my anger which i thought i was not showing; he said to my husband that he needed to listen more rather than go on the defensive. He asked that we meet with him again next week. I will give it some thought. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Call the counselor and tell him that you will attend another meeting AFTER your husband admits to cheating and takes a polygraph. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I am still confused what you hope to gain from these meetings. Do you want to carry on with the marriage or do you want a divorce? It seems you didn't really get anywhere in the first meeting. If your husband is not prepared to be honest then do you really think you'll get any more from the 2nd? Or the 3rd, 4th or 5th? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Of course you are all right. I have the divorce forms ready to post on the 14th of April. I will get nothing out of the next meeting on Monday other than it may help him. I do feel sorry for him and he does need help. I have already said to him that the couple councilling is not what he needs that he should get help on his own for his addictions. This was said to me here and so right. Once he has reach a bridge of recovery then and only then will I consider seeing him again. This coming meeting will be to highlight his drinking, death threats, poor life style, lying in the hope that the counciller will point him in the right direction. I can not and am not equipped to deal with him. He needs help. He has nearly dragged me down to total despair but no more. I suppose I just need someone to take the burden away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I suppose I just need someone to take the burden away from me. Do not expect people to be queuing up for the job! Nobody will take the burden. You have to shed it yourself. You are not responsible for his welfare. He took that into his own hands when he cheated on you. He threw all compassion and consideration down the drain. He can't expect ANYTHING from you when he has treated you like a piece of rubbish in the street. You have to think what is best for YOU. And that is to say "I have no interest in going to this or any other meeting with you. Expect to hear from my solicitor on April 14th. Goodbye." Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 YOU are the only person who can remove that burden from yourself. Respect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Share Posted March 6, 2012 It is very clear to me that he is very clever. How he manipulates to get his own way, how he is racking his brains to get what he wants. How he was on Monday evening with the counciller was quite an exceptional act. I wont be going again but thats what he wonts. He can say to those at the church 'well I tried but she wont'. I'm passed caring and fed up of playing his game. So- new phone, post returned unopened, new e mail. Etc. WILL he back off, how long? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Who cares? If he doesn't, file a restraining order against him. Link to post Share on other sites
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