robf1971 Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 I an ok with dealing with the paper work but the emotional side is difficult. Have had no contact, his texts say I AM YOUR HUSBAND i have not being unfaithful, please instruct what you want me to do. I dont know how to respond mr even if I should. I am getting on with life but its always with me. Ignore him , make him sweat it out for a change.
Author Tibby321 Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 I wrote to him to ask if he wonted to wait the year then divorce mr as if is a chritodelphian just legally seperate.
Author Tibby321 Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 HELP! I have received a letter from my husband (very long) he says he is innocent and has given an explanation for the recording which is plausably. What i dont understand is when work was completed on my property last August, which he insisted on doing to put a better price on it, why hasn't he put his on the market. He was always saying he had things to sort out. Paper work to sort through, things to sell on ebay, put things in boxes to take to his dads to un-clutter. These things he wanted to do anyway. He has not done any painting etc. He has not worked in the last 2 months. It doesn't look to me as if he was making any positive moves to be with me as man and wife. Yet still he says he does not want us to part. I am confused. Surely a man would want to be with his new wife? 9 months on and we live apart unless while my children are away at uni I make the effort to be with him which means a 1 and half hour to 2 hour drive to work each way. And if says i am being unfair. Is it me?
michelangelo Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 You don't play it. You TELL him you know he is cheating. You TELL him that is continued denials is only making you respect him less. You Act based on what you know, not what he says. You retain an excellent divorce lawyer (the best your financially secure self can afford) and you find out where you stand and how you can protect yourself in the event of a divorce. As long as you are arguing with him about what you know and begging him to tell you the truth you are dealing with your marriage from a powerless position. Stop expecting him to verify that your reality is real, just KNOW that it is and act accordingly. I agree. BTW, if you do decide to share the evidence, for godsake only give him copies, not the originals!
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I have received a letter from my husband (very long) he says he is innocent Do you believe him? In your first post you seemed pretty convinced that he was having an affair. We can't tell you whether he is or not, you are the one who has the relevant information. Maybe it would help if you share the evidence with us? The question you have to ask is not whether HE wants to stay married, but whether YOU do. If you don't then you should wait 3 months and get a divorce. You do not need his permission or co-operation for this. Don't ask him what he wants. Just do it. If you do want to stay married then you 'll need to work very hard to fix this mess - and he will have to work hard too.
turnera Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Do you need me to list the reasons why you shouldn't be married to him? It's pretty obvious to the rest of us. And don't just say 'but I love him!' - that's the voice of a codependent victim.
stillafool Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I agree. Except she should save the P.I. money for lawyers because it seems pretty clear to me what's going on. Maybe he just wants to wait to divorce to give him more time married so that perhaps he will be entitled to your money down the road.
Breezy Trousers Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Google "psychopathy awareness", "narcissism," "toxic or malignant narcissists," "women who love psychopaths," "betrayal bond," "safe relationships," "love fraud." If you don't, you're in for one hell of a ride. We may sound harsh here, but trust me, Tibby, life will be far harsher if you don't listen.
Author Tibby321 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 I will be filling for judicial seperatin, to protect myself, regardless of how he is saying he wonts to make this marriage work. He has said 'that on the morning i have the recording for he was trying to get a video recording, he took, to run on the Tv but if I heard the Tv all the time it must of being the recorder it's self'. We are meeting on Saturday, he wonts me to listen to it. There are many issues here and no I dont want to remain married if they cannot be resolved. I cannot stay if we cant be happy and where i am so fearful. Better on my own. I just feel sorry for him at the moment.
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I will be filling for judicial seperatin Seriously, there's no point. If you will be divorcing in 3 months time then filing for judicial separation is a waste of time and money. Just wait 3 months and divorce. We are meeting on Saturday If you have decided to divorce then what is the point of meeting?
Author Tibby321 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Judicial seperation will give me what i need for peace of mind financially. He can divorce me later if he so wishes. I have a couple of reasons why i wont go for divorce. Meeting because i need to pick up things left at his and maybe to say my good byes. I need to feel this has come to a conclusion.
waytogo Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 HELP! I have received a letter from my husband (very long) he says he is innocent and has given an explanation for the recording which is plausably. What i dont understand is when work was completed on my property last August, which he insisted on doing to put a better price on it, why hasn't he put his on the market. He was always saying he had things to sort out. Paper work to sort through, things to sell on ebay, put things in boxes to take to his dads to un-clutter. These things he wanted to do anyway. He has not done any painting etc. He has not worked in the last 2 months. It doesn't look to me as if he was making any positive moves to be with me as man and wife. Yet still he says he does not want us to part. I am confused. Surely a man would want to be with his new wife? 9 months on and we live apart unless while my children are away at uni I make the effort to be with him which means a 1 and half hour to 2 hour drive to work each way. And if says i am being unfair. Is it me? Tibby, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and for the stress in your marraige when you should be enjoying life as newlyweds. Please consider, if he had this plausable excuse, why didn't he give you that immediately when you confronted? He's had time to start creating something you are now supposed to believe he had from the beginning but didn't share with you?!?! The man doesn't work, contribute to your lives or wrap up his personal business and he is a threat to what you've worked for for you and your children. That would be reason enough to leave while he has no ground to ask for support after divorce. In addition, you KNOW what you heard. He had nothing to prove to you you didn't hear what you did at first. No after being separated, he has 'something' for you to listen to. Besides all the non-fidelity reasons you have to leave, he's cheated on you in less than a year and you know it. You also suspect he only married you for financial reasons as he wasn't responsible enough to create his own security. Unfortunately it doesn't sound you hold yourself high enough,(and I hope you will at some point) please at least consider what this con will be taking from your children if you let him.
veggirl Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Sounds live the perfect setup for a man (your husband) to live a double life. He has you, yet he has all the trappings of a single guy to impress his ow so she won't suspect he has a wife. I'd bet 100 bucks his ow doesn't even know that he is married. If you think that men don't do this, (live a double life) you are in for a shock. It happens more than you can imagine and because of your living situation, it's not hard at all for him and if he can keep you sweet, he has it made. For all you know, this guy may even be married to you and her. You really need to hire a PI and see what he is REALLY up to. I agree with all of this. I will be filling for judicial seperatin, to protect myself, regardless of how he is saying he wonts to make this marriage work. He has said 'that on the morning i have the recording for he was trying to get a video recording, he took, to run on the Tv but if I heard the Tv all the time it must of being the recorder it's self'. We are meeting on Saturday, he wonts me to listen to it. There are many issues here and no I dont want to remain married if they cannot be resolved. I cannot stay if we cant be happy and where i am so fearful. Better on my own. I just feel sorry for him at the moment. THAT is his "plausible" excuse? That is WEAK. And took long enough to think of, geez. Not plausible at all. These issues cant be resolved. He is surely cheating on you. He is using you for $$ since he isn't working (or even looking!). Why do you feel sorry for him? I feel sorry for you
Author Tibby321 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 I am sacred! Met yesterday for what I thought would be a brief-ish meeting. He cleverly drew it out. Of course i had the 'i love you, want this to work and I have never being unfaithful. He is using poor me, 'I so many health problems, cant cope with the problems between up. Just wish i was dead. Then snow happened so could not get home. I have done what I can to try and make him understand I can not be with him, in a kind way. We will never work this mess out. I have to divorce rather than judicial seperation to send clear message. When some one throws every thing back and tries to make you guilty and talks about killing themselves, it makes it tough. Very scary. Dont know what he will do. There will be no further meetings-you were right Pete. He didnt produce his vidio he said was what I heard.
Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 Now he threatens suicide? That is the height of pathological manipulation. Get out now.
Breezy Trousers Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 Tibby, read The Sociopath Next Door. The personality disordered (PD's) use pity ploys to manipulate. Lacking empathy, PD's deliberately target "nice" people who test high in empathy. Using an extreme example, Ted Bundy lured his "nice girl" victims by putting on fake arm casts or walking around with crutches, asking for their assistance. Many experts say PDs have "radar" for quickly detecting empaths, even in a crowd of 200 people! Experts call this ability "negative empathy." PD's view empaths as stupid, weak and easy to exploit. Empaths feel sorry for PD's, believing their love can save them (grandiosity). In the beginning stages of the relationship, the PD's believe this too (idealization), but then it becomes apparent it won't happen. That's when D&D occurs (devaluation & discarding) and a new partner is eventually sought out.... Only a PD can save him/herself, but most don't believe they have a problem. They perpetually go from one body to another, searching for The One to make them happy & keep them stimulated (they require extreme levels of stimulation), dropping the last relationship like a toy they've gotten bored with -- or keeping it percolating in the background just for back-up.... Break-ups & reunions are ways of keeping the stimulation high, too. PD's lack empathy so they don't view their partners as human beings with needs & feelings, merely as SUPPLY -- sources of attention & support to be mined. If the partner is deemed to be an inadequate source of supply (and, in time, they always are), the PD's true colors will come out. That's what is so shocking to their partners -- finally recognizing the lack of empathy at the core of a PD. The partners usually project their own capacity for caring onto the PD, not realizing the PD isn't experiencing the same thing .... And PD's can cry -- just not for you. NO CONTACT is the only way to go here. In the meantime, Google and gain awareness of this stuff. This guy is an important teacher for you. Though you are not at fault for who you are, it's your responsibility to learn how you may be drawing unsafe people to you without realizing it. You can't take responsibility for something you can't see, and taking responsibility is where you take back control. Sidebar: After studying the nature of affairs and of PDs separately for a couple years, I couldn't help but be amazed at how closely they resembled one another. I now believe many affairs are systems sharing the exact same markers as personality disorders -- e.g., incapacity for self-honesty (blaming others for unhappiness), poor boundaries, sense of entitlement, high investment in fantasy, lack of empathy, seeking sources of narcissistic supply (attention), high need for stimulation & excitement, belief in specialness, etc. No contact is recommended for both because both are highly addictive processes to break free from once engaged.
robf1971 Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 . The personality disordered (PD's) use pity ploys to manipulate . Or maybe the guy's just a loser. Either way it shouldn't be Tibby's problem anymore.
Breezy Trousers Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 (edited) Or maybe the guy's just a loser. Either way it shouldn't be Tibby's problem anymore. I agree. Naturally, it's easy for us to say. We're not in the situation. Tibby is. Merely writing someone off as "loser" doesn't always help you in the next situation -- and there often IS a next situation. Awareness & self knowledge does. If people found it as easy to write people off as "losers" and simply move on with their lives, there would be no need for LoveShack. Edited February 5, 2012 by Breezy Trousers
Author Tibby321 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 It will be my problem for a while longer. He flipped yesterday. I had over and over again 'I have done nothing wrong, I have not being unfaithful, you imagine things, you miss heard what you heard- the women you heard must of being walking by' it like a form of brain washing, he almost had me believing him. He did give me his video recording he said I must of heard but none of it was what I heard. I have being reading as suggested and found nothing fits exactely but very close. He is a very sacred man due to the fact he is a Christadelphian. He stated in a letter (back to his sweet self) that he hopes they will be understanding to me as well as to him. Sure I am in for a rocky road here as I am not sure what he will report to.
stillafool Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 It doesn't matter what he says, does it? Who do you believe him or your own ears? It is pretty clear what he is doing to you which is gaslighting. Why are you even questioning what you know to be the truth? Since you have decided to file for divorce why even concern yourself with his lies anymore. Just move on and away from him already. Why even converse with him anymore when you know he is lying to you?
turnera Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 No matter what he says - now that he's been caught - you still know the truth. He lies. You deserve better than that.
melenkurion Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 The fact that he is gaslighting you is really appalling behaviour. It is incredibly cruel to make someone doubt their sanity. All the stunts he is pulling don't matter one little bit. He is not your problem any longer.
PegNosePete Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Tibby, Another huge reason not to get a separation agreement. Lets say you do get one. That means you are legally separated. So in a few months time, you want to get a divorce (when it is 12 months since your wedding). How are you going to file for divorce? You could try unreasonable behaviour. But what is a court going to say to that? They are going to say, "how can you find his behaviour unreasonable? You are legally separated. His behaviour does not affect you!". They will refuse the divorce. You could wait for 2 years separation. In 2 years time your ex could simply say "no". 2 years separation requires his consent so the divorce will fail. So you will need to wait for 5 years separation. 5 years is a very long time. This is why a separation agreement is a very BAD idea. It makes much more sense to wait a couple of months and then divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. He will not be able to prevent you from doing this. A divorce does not require his permission or co-operation. If you do a separation agreement then you will be making a rod for your own back.
Author Tibby321 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Why is it a rod for my own back. The judicial seperation with a consent order will give me the 'clean break' i wont. Took advice - he Will contest a divorce petition on the grounds of religious reasons he can not do that with seperation. So we remain married, that does not bother me. I have good NC and finally no more texts, phone calls, letters or e mails. He still may contest seperation and clean break order. He could Try to claim maintenance but he could do that with divorce. If i get the clean break i wont, if he them wonts a divorce if wont be able to claim.
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 he Will contest a divorce petition on the grounds of religious reasons He will not get anywhere with that argument. A court does not give 2 hoots about religion. If you want a divorce then you can get one - as long as you do it right. So we remain married, that does not bother me. You say that now but are you really prepared to stay married for 5 years?? That is what you're signing up for if you get a judicial separation. 5 years is a very long time! He still may contest seperation and clean break order. He could Try to claim maintenance but he could do that with divorce. If i get the clean break i wont, if he them wonts a divorce if wont be able to claim. You cannot get a clean break with separation. Any financial agreement you make at separation can always be revisited at divorce. That is the problem with separation -- it is not FINAL.
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