Regaining confidence

[SpiralOut]

Yeah I guess so.

 

I'm really struggling with leaving my job right now. I feel infuriated all day, tell myself that I'll go to the library this very night and work on my resume. At the end of the day I'm exhausted. Too tired to feel up to it.

 

I make myself go buy some groceries. At the register I realize the money fell out of my pocket. So, nothing to eat tonight. I could go back I guess but I'm so tired I'd rather go in the morning.

 

I think I worry that I won't be able to find something better, so I just don't bother to get started. I understand on an intellectual level that I can do it but I just keep putting it off.

 

Tonight the plan was the heat up a pizza and work on a personal project. I found an opportunity for freelance writing that would be perfect for me. I've been putting off getting started. I keep getting dragged down by my fatigue. Oh and I can't go to yoga or my writing group this week because I have to work late this week.

 

Contacted an ex-colleage from my old work place to see if he still talked to anyone still working there. When I left, my boss at the time said to send him an email if ever I need a job and they could give me some work. But now that I think of it, I can't bring myself to go back. That was my plan. To just go back there if I get fired or can't do this job anymore. But I can't go back there and I can't stay where I am, so now what? I want so badly to just quit right now.

 

I'm becoming very outspoken at work, so much so that I worry I could get fired for it. People get let go for all sorts of reasons. It's impossible to know what could happen. But I would rather speak my mind than be a doormat. Today something happened that really upset me, but I'm okay now. I just feel alone.

 

I can't even talk to my family right now. They worry so much already, even though I don't tell them anything about how I feel. I don't feel like talking to people who just look at me and feel sorry for me without understanding that there's a reason for why I'm doing everything I'm doing. I'm so sick of the way they have always been "concerned" about me just because I'm introverted and reclusive and because I don't talk about boring things like "I went to lunch with sally today and we ate food and it was such lovely food and we had a lovely chat." oh god I think that's so boring to talk about. I hate how people treat me like I'm weird just because I'm not interested in talking about those things.

[SpiralOut]

This past week was so-so. I am in a different department at work for a couple of weeks. The atmosphere is so much more relaxed, especially now that that woman I have problems with has gone away for a few weeks. The days go by faster, I feel happier and more challenged. The only source of stress now is another woman who obviously hates me. I don't know if I did something to her, or if she simply hates me because she has become friends with the woman I don't like (the one mentioned earlier). It's possible for women to be weird that way, right? I suspect she was told false information about me. She has yelled at me in the past and now she gives me dirty looks. Someone else noticed her coldness/hostility towards me and he was shocked. He tried to make a joke about it to lighten things up but she ignored him, so I guess she doesn't care how she comes across. She is the only person who acts this way towards me. It bothers me but I don't know what to do.

 

I'm trying really hard to give myself a break today. I don't know why I make myself feel so guilty every time I choose to stay home instead of go out. Staying in makes me feel like I'm wasting my time, since there are so many other things I could be doing instead, like go to the fabric store, go to the bank, etc. But I just don't feel like it today. My ex used to give me so much crap for not wanting to leave the apartment, even though I was working and going to school full time and was hardly ever home to begin with. He didn't understand it at all! And my mother would always get on my case about how much time I spent on the computer, but she would never say anything to my brother or dad about the huge amount of time they spent watching TV. I finally have a day off, I just want to relax, surf the net, play a videogame. I don't really feel like leaving the house. But I have this feeling like I SHOULD. Am I being too hard on myself, or am I really doing something unhealthy/wasting my time?

 

I want to be really good at something. My identity has always been about being smart and creative, because I am those things. But that's not enough. I want to become an expert at something, so people can identify me as being that biking chick, or that photographer girl instead of just "the quiet one." I want to be good enough that people see me as someone they can approach to get advice, or to just talk to me about it if they do it too. That's why I've been focusing so much on my hobbies instead of on meeting people. Because how am I supposed to converse with people I don't know that well if I'm not doing anything interesting?

 

I feel like I'm being judged a lot, lately. Not sure what that means. Does that mean that I'm imagining things, and my self-esteem just dropped a couple more notches? Or does it mean that I really AM being judged and I've finally become more aware of it?

 

Or maybe I'm just worried about being judged again like I have been in the past. Because I honestly believe that

a) I had a good reason for not leaving the apartment often, so my ex was being a jackass for getting on my back so much about it. he basically excpected me to be a source of entertainment for him, always complaining about how bored he is. well go do something then!! it's not up to me to ensure you don't feel bored!!

 

b) Being on the computer a lot isn't that big of a deal, especially since it stimulates the mind more than watching TV. Giving me a hard time for using the computer, but not bothering other people who watch TV all the time makes no sense. It's the same thing as picking on someone.

 

c) As mentioned in a different post, I've had to deal with that weird chick telling me my hobbies are stupid, and acting as if I have no life even though the only thing she does every weekend is babysit her nephew.

 

I guess it just pisses me off to be judged by people who IMO don't know what they are talking about. There are many other examples. I have felt judged by people pretty much my whole life. I'm wondering if this is what holds me back. I am so nervous to move forward and try to meet new people because I'm worried about being judged once again. I need to figure out a way to deal with these feelings. Because right now I feel suspicious of almost everyone I meet.

[betterdeal]

Have you looked into emotional detachment as a technique? It may be of use for dealing with situations where people judge you. If you think of people like Ghandi, he was judged in court by a judge (it doesn't get much more judgmental that that!) and he didn't waver. He had accounted to himself for his actions to himself, and challenged the judge to account for their actions too.

 

Famous Speeches Of Gandhiji : Statement In The Great Trial Of 1922

 

And so long as you can account for your actions to yourself, that's what matters. Your sense of guilt may be that you feel you are obliged to account to these others: to live in their reality under their terms. Once you deal with that belief, if you can come around to thinking "walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me" then you'll be in a stronger, freer position. They may well still annoy you, but you won't feel guilty.

[SpiralOut]

Yeah I have. Some of my problems come from the way that I detached myself emotionally from so many people.

 

I just don't see why I should have to constantly shrug off stupid things that people say to me. Especially the examples of my mother and my then-boyfriend. They knew they were getting on my nerves but they didn't care. They just kept doing it anyway. That's so rude. Why do people think it's okay to be rude to me? I'm tired of it.

 

And what about all the people throughout my life who have given me crap for being an introvert. Trying to change me. Telling me they don't understand me. Complaining about me to other people right in front of me because they're upset I'm not talking enough (instead of just asking me a damn question to get me talking!!!). I'm sick of it. It's like a million little stones being thrown against a windshield. Eventually it's going to crack.

[betterdeal]

And what happens when it cracks?

[Forever Learning]

And what happens when it cracks?

 

Good point. I like your prior post about Ghandi as well. Good stuff as always.

[SpiralOut]

And what happens when it cracks?

 

SpiralOut writes bitchy posts on Loveshack about how sick she is of dealing with stupid people. That's what happens.

 

Really, I'm normally pretty good at just ignoring things. Sometimes it gets to be too much and I start to wonder if the whole damn world is against me.

 

Anyway, I'm feeling better today. I was feeling anxious, so went out for a run tonight after work. I also took care of some things today I've been putting off doing like calling the bank to fix something, finding myself a new chiropractor finally. Just the boring crap I put off because I hate doing it. Not doing it makes me feel I am not in control of my life. So yeah, feeling better now.

 

This whole week I have a student doing his co-op with me in the evening. It stresses me out but at the same time it is good for me. Here is this young and hopeful person and I am so damn jaded. Talking to him forces me to be empathetic.

 

I really want to get back into volunteering again somewhere, but not the same place as before. I've been checking my city's volunteer website to see if there's anywhere I can help by doing some writing. That's what I'm good at.

[SpiralOut]

So I attempted another date tonight. This time I made a better choice. The guy seemed really nice and we had good conversation. I don't think I'll hear from him again though. And it's probably a good thing since I didn't feel any chemistry.

 

It confirmed what I already thought; that I need to do more work on my life. I don't think I came across as completely pathetic. My life is decent, but not exciting or great. I don't know how to connect with people who just want to tell their funny stories of things that happen to them, and then they want me to tell my stories too. It just bothers me. I'd rather wait until I know someone better before sharing certain things. I know that it's normal for people to talk to each other that way but I'm not comfortable with it. Which begs the question of how the hell am I supposed to meet someone??

 

Right now i'm questioning how to handle my single status. I'm getting tired of it. What am I supposed to do, just be alone until I've decided that I'm worthy enough to be with someone? Can't I just be okay the way I am and find someone who thinks I"m great already? I'm starting to wonder what guy in his right mind would want to be with me right now anyway. But I'm smart and funny and all of that crap so why can't I just find someone I can go on more than one date with? Why is that so hard?

 

Anyway. I'm also coming to some conclusions about my career prospects. And it's kind of depressing. I just want it to be the weekend so I can have some time to think.

[SpiralOut]

Actually on second thought, the conversation wasn't all that great. Sure there was lots of it but it was mostly him talking about all the places he's travelled to. This was after I told him that I haven't been anywhere in 10 years and I'm not really able to go anywhere right now due to student debt. So I felt unable to connect with him. It also felt like he was bragging which was annoying.

 

I've decided that my current field isn't really doing it for me. I think that's why I've been putting off applying for another job. I want to switch into something more like editing/writing related but have no idea how to do that. Going back to school isn't an option, unless it's just a part-time course or two that I need. I've been spending my evenings doing research for an article that I have in mind. I'll be spending my weekend working on that and writing a pitch. In the meantime I'm becoming bored of my job but can't leave until I figure out how to jump into something better.

 

It's good to have a better idea of where I want to go, although frustrating to think that I'll probably have to take a lower paying job in order to do it. I'll post an update once I've made more progress.

[SpiralOut]

Just updating to say that I'm remembering that feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. Being able to walk around in nothing special, like jeans, sweatshirt and sandles and still feel like I look good. Coming home and not minding the piles of books everywhere, when they used to make me feel anxious.

 

I'm getting better at knowing if someone is being rude to me or not, and whether I should feel angry.

 

For the past week I've been walking around with a sense of calm. My life still kind of sucks, but something feels different now. I am not a party girl, probably never will be. I think I am more of a creative type, and I've been trying to fit myself in with people who aren't. I want to find people who are my type. I've been wanting to take art classes. So far I can't find any that fit in with my work schedule but I'll try looking again. I feel at home at my garden plot. I see a lot of creativity there and people obviously love growing things. The growing season will be over soon though so I'll have to find another outlet. November is national novel writing month and people in my city meet up a few times a week to write together so I'll probably do that.

 

Anyway I think am on the right track just by sticking to what I love to do and trying to have a life, even if I am alone when I do my interests. Oh right, I've also booked time off for a vacation next month. I need it really badly.

 

My date from last week is still in contact with me. I am shocked that he emailed me. I thought he was planning to never speak to me again. I still don't know if we're compatable but I'll keep talking to him and maybe we could end up as just friends or something. Who knows.

 

I'm also starting to remember the way I used to be. I remember as a teenager most of the friends I made were with people I just instinctively knew would be good friends. And I remember putting forth at least 50% of the effort. I don't remember feeling afraid. Maybe shy, but I still somehow managed to break out of my group and become part of another groupI had several groups, actually, with some overlap. Out of the original group, I was the one who spent the most amount of time with the other people. Holy crap, does that mean I was outgoing?? In a weirdly shy and introverted way?? I'm not like that at all anymore. How on earth did I do that??

Edited August 22, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I decided to not see that guy after all. His idea of a second date is to get really drunk so maybe I will be more talkative. He said that to me. How insulting. I don't think he even knows how insulting that is. I told him ahead of time that I am an introverted person, so I would not have to deal with stupid comments like that, but I guess he is one of those people who just don't get it.

 

I think my confidence issues stem from my introverted personality. I am also private. It is hard to find people who accept that about me. All my life I've had to deal with people complaining I don't talk enough, or trying to "help" me to change and just being ignorant and thinking that if someone is not like themselves then something is wrong. Nothing is wrong. I am very talkative once I feel close to someone. I hate living in a society that values extroverts and treats introverts like we are freaks. It just makes me want to hide from the world.

 

Someone is trying to befriend me at work and I like her. So I will not screw up this time the way I've screwed up with other potential friends that I just could not let down my walls for. There are many people in my past who tried to connect with me that I just couldn't let in and I wish that I would have. I have trouble connecting with people because I have trouble trusting others. I don't know where this lack of trust comes from.

 

This weekend was boring but at least I got out and did things. My anxiety about leaving the apartment isn't as bad as it used to be.

 

Something is changing with someone I have known for a long time. It is a complicated situation.

 

I am now trying to eat better. For the first time in months I am actually cooking meals. I stopped listening to music a long time ago for some reason, which is weird because it used to be a huge part of my life. I am listening to it again. I've also been keeping up with certain TV shows. I might get netflix or cable or something so I can watch things on my actual TV. I've been writing in my journal every morning for the past week.

 

I am still suspicious when people like me. It makes me wonder what do they want from me. I am trying to accept that maybe I am a likeable person. I was talking to my best friend the other week and she told me it's really cool that I do things like go to classes and join groups, and how she wants to start doing that too. It made me feel good to hear someone say that about me. I mean yeah so I don't have a lot of friends, but I still do things and am active in the community. I'm not afraid to go do something by myself where I don't know anybody. Next weekend I'm doing some volunteer work planting trees. How many people can say they do that? So I'm looking forward to that.

Edited August 27, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I'm finding it easier to talk to people. When I'm around someone new, I tend to get nervous and just say the truth when I'm talking. Making up lies to make myself look good is just too hard for me; I am a horrible liar. I can't even think of believable lies to tell, so I just don't bother to try. Or sometimes I will look for the best way to twist something so it sounds good while still being true. But I have to stand there thinking for a long time while someone is waiting for me to talk, which makes me look weird. So I can't do that. I just talk without knowing what I am saying.

 

So I think this is part of why I get nervous around people. Not feeling good about myself results in embarassing things coming out of my mouth. Feeling better helps me to say things that actually sound interesting and/or normal. The truth just comes out and it sounds good (usually) because I have some positive things in my life now. Although sometimes it freaks me out to hear the stuff coming out so goddamned frank.

 

Tonight at writing class I made more conversation than usual. I'm feeling more comfortable around this new group. There is a girl not too much older than me that I sometimes chat with afterwards while we unlock our bikes and get ready to go home. I know I probably come across extremely awkwardly but I don't think I've offended anybody yet so that's good. And it makes me feel really good to get compliments on my writing. This is something I need. I need to be around people who believe in this. One person there is a writer/editor which is cool to see that it is possible to make a living in this field. Unlike other people who tell me writing is only worth doing as a hobby. It pisses me off that I've been discouraged from it all my life.

 

I'm so mad at myself for not following my heart. My current career is not what I love. The only good thing about it is that I may be able to branch off into medical writing since I am in the medical field and all of my schooling is health stuff. I don't know.

 

Also figured out an easier way to get around downtown on my bike which feels awesome.

 

I just need to remember it's not too late to chase my dreams. Yeah I wish I wouldn't have waited so long. But I'm in my late 20s. I have many years left before retirement. When I am feeling at my lowest, this is the hope I hold on to. I have a talent and I know I can do something with it. Part of my talent is also the way that I see the world and the way the way I am able to predict what bits of information other people find interesting, what things other people should know. I want to give people something that will make their lives better, information that can change things. There's just a mental block that's been stopping me.

Edited August 29, 2012 by SpiralOut

[betterdeal]

Have you considered practising expressions, sounds and phrases to indicate you're thinking? Just a quizzical look, perhaps slightly exaggerated with a simple "mmm" to show the other person you are thinking. Or simply saying "Hmm, let me think". That's a handy skill to have: gives you time to think through your answer so you feel less impelled to say the first thing that comes to mind.

[SpiralOut]

Have you considered practising expressions, sounds and phrases to indicate you're thinking? Just a quizzical look, perhaps slightly exaggerated with a simple "mmm" to show the other person you are thinking. Or simply saying "Hmm, let me think". That's a handy skill to have: gives you time to think through your answer so you feel less impelled to say the first thing that comes to mind.

 

Yeah that's what I normally do. I take a very long time to think sometimes, so even saying hmm let me think still creates an awkward silence as I take a few minutes to think of how to answer normal, simple questions like what authors do I like, or do I like where I live. I should be able to answer those easily instead of feeling put on the spot.

 

I am now struggling with my emotions around someone who enrages me. Thankfully I only have to see him one more day and then he's gone, but I want to understand why I'm reacting so strongly.

His attitude sucks. Other people agree about that. And he shared some information with me that I did not ask about. I become very defensive when people I don't know very well tell me things they should not tell me. I seem to attract people who just want to share personal things with me. I must give off some sort of vibe that says "please tell me your problems." I'm just tired of it. I don't want to be a walking confessional booth. And I am struggling with setting up my own boundaries already. I don't know if being around people with weak boundaries is good for me.

 

I've noticed that certain people bring out the best in me. Certain friends, or coworkers, just give me a feeling of knowing what needs to be kept to myself, and it is easy for me to act with dignity and speak intelligently with them. Other people, for some reason, bring out this side of me that's a bit more immature and I hate who I am around them.

 

Certain people are now talking to me like I'm stupid. I'm not sure if I'm doing or saying things to make myself look stupid and that's why they do it, or if they just need someone to feel better than.

 

I'm noticing other people seem genuinely interested in getting to know me. So I am trying harder to make an effort back.

 

I don't tell people certain things about myself because I believe in being modest. But sometimes I wish I could say to others, hey you know what, in university I was invited by the school to apply for a job teaching statistics to third year students because my grades in that class were so high. Or, I used to work for a crisis line helping people who had emotional issues. I handled a lot of high-crisis calls like suicide threats, people having severe flashbacks or hallucinations. There were some people I made a real connection with and they told me they felt so much better after talking to me. My supervisors thought I was great. They gave all the volunteers giftcards sometimes, and they gave us coffee and tea and snacks for volunteering our time. I used to work at a job that paid more than any other job I have had and I left it so I can work at a job that treats me like crap because I would rather do something that can get me ahead. But I do miss that old job sometimes. They gave me bonuses four times a year and put money into a retirement fund for me. I hated the work but the company treated me well. I used to have lots of friends. I used to go out almost every night, and I always had something to do every weekend. And they were great friends who never put me down.

 

But I don't say any of that because it just makes me look like I'm trying to prove myself. I just miss that feeling, I guess. I wish I would have taken on the job teaching math. I wish I still volunteered for the crisis line but I had to stop because of my emotional problems. I used to feel valued by people.

 

I used to be a different person.

 

I am now an angry person. Not as angry as I used to be. I used to be in complete denial of it. And I've spent so much time around other angry people. It's an emotion that I'm coming to understand really well. I don't know if that's good or not. In a way it's good because the best stories I've written this year were the ones with an angry character in it. When I go to my writing group I am just drawn towards angry or misunderstood characters, and I feel like I can make important points with them.

 

This may sound weird but there's a certain TV character I am drawn to. Just the way she was portrayed was so honest and true. The writer used a contrasting character as a mirror so we can see her personality as clearly as possible. It showed how she used to be, how she became evil, and what she really felt inside and how she changed. It was disturbing. Not happy. But so goddamned real. It was an amazing storyline.

 

I want to be able to do something like that, to use my negative experiences to tell people something important.

[SpiralOut]

I just found a photo club to join. It falls on the same night as my writing group, so I haven't decided if I'll go this week or not. But I will still go to a couple of meetings to see if I like it. It's close enough for me to bike to after work and they do outings on the weekend which is what I'm looking for. Most of my activities right now are evenings. I need something to fill up the weekend, especially in the winter when I can't bike or garden anymore. There are tons of members which is good. I'm actually really excited to have finally found something that could help me to meet more people. I've been wanting to go shoot photos anyway but feel bored doing it alone.

 

I am struggling with the fact that I have made some enemies. But that's normal isn't it? I'm not sure of how realistic it is to go out in the world and expect everyone to like me. But it still hurts when people say rude things to me. I would rather be alone for now, than be around people who aren't good for me. I have already discovered a few untrustworthy people who pretend to be my friend. They can stay away. I won't let people bring me down.

 

Today I was feeling panicked. I went for a long bike ride, then stopped at the park and sat under a tree. I wrote down some things that I want to add onto my resume, basically a summary of my skills. Being outside in the sunlight, watching the trees drop their leaves and people play with dogs helped me to just feel better in general and all my stress melted away.

 

Now that I'm back inside, the stress is coming back. Not sure why. My apartment feels very comfortable since rearranging things again yesterday. For some reason it makes me feel sad. Like, this is what I've been looking for. Somewhere that feels comfortable. I've been feeling uncomfortable and out-of-place at every place I've lived for the past 3+ years.

 

I'm starting to wonder if certain people don't like me because our values are different. The people who make snarky remarks to me are the ones who do things I don't agree with. I don't really say anything about it, but I wonder if they pick up on my attitude. I glared at someone who made a joke about loving to look at other women's husbands. I couldn't help myself. Another woman (who had been laughing at it) glared at me when she saw my reaction. Well I'm sorry but that's an immature and wrong thing to say, period. Shame on you for laughing at something so stupid! I just walked away without saying a word. But what I really wanted to tell her was that I used to knwo someone who made jokes like that and she ended up sleeping with her best friend's husband. That would have been way too rude, though.

 

There were a few other incidents where I probably came across as being judgemental. It's not something I do on purpose. I just have very strong ideas of what I think is right and wrong. Like I told off somebody who criticized me for caring about the environment. Sorry for wanting to breathe oxygen and drink clean water. Actually, I still get along with that person anyway so maybe I'm not that bad. I like to think that I'm not a judgemental person. I don't think less of people for what they look like, what their background is, what they enjoy doing, their religion, if they're married or not, whatever personal problems are happening in their life, none of that stuff. But if someone says or does something I feel is inappropriate I just get so mad.

 

So maybe that's why some people aren't too fond of me. Others are befriending me though, so maybe they like that about me.

 

I am also writing more often. It's just personal little philosophical writings that make me feel better whenever I re-read them. I'm starting to feel like my own wisdom is the best advice to listen to right now.

Edited September 3, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I'm remembering how I used to handle things when I felt good about myself long ago. I remember getting so much crap from different women who would put me down for getting good grades, for being skinny. At one point I had frenemies who constantly snarked at me about my weight and told me all the time that I'm such a brainer.

 

I remember not thinking too much of it. I just thought they were annoying as hell. So I completely ignored whatever they said. I remember at one point this girl I didn't know too well made a snarky remark that was so stupid I literally rolled my eyes at her and turned my back to her to talk to someone else, as if she hadn't even spoken to me. I did it without even thinking and I remember the other girl being surprised/uncomfortable that I had done that but I didn't really care. I had no patience back then for that sort of crap.

 

That's what I should be doing now. Next time something like that happens I need to remember it is their own issue, not my issue.

 

I'm wondering how exactly my confidence was destroyed. I think it started the year my group of friends drifted apart and I was in a relationship with a guy who treated me with disrespect. I don't understand how I keep ending up in relationships with men who don't treat me with respect. Is it just something that all men do, or am I making wrong choices.

 

Something has happened this week that could be good or bad. I don't know. I wrote something at my writing group that was very personal to me. And I shared it. The exercise was to describe someone who had lost something important to them, and their reaction to it. So I wrote about something that happened to me. I made up a fictional character and changed some things, so technically it was fiction, but it was based on my true story. I think the honesty of it shone through. It scared me to be so honest about something like that. After I read it I just sat there feeling freaked out and scared of what they would think. I still feel scared about what they may think of me. I worry that I made a mistake.

Edited September 8, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I am feeling weird.

 

Keeping stuff inside is too hard. I've been letting stuff out with certain people. It's hard. I don't know how to be honest with people without being negative at the same time. It scares me to admit that I'm unhappy with my job and my career path in general because I fear being judged for it. I honestly feel like a failure for not being where I thought I would be at this point.

 

I met someone today that I really like. It has been a long time since I met a guy that I actually want to see again. I think things went well but I am now becoming very neurotic about whether I messed something up and whether or not he'll call me.

 

I am too uncomfortable to go back to the writing group this week so I'll do something else I've been meaning to do anyway. I don't want to see everyone right now, after I exposed a difficult part of my life to them.

 

I feel like I have been so messed up emotionally that I don't know how to communicate or connect in an authentic way. I don't want to overshare information, just because I was in such a bad place, but I don't want to keep glossing over everything. It's good to look on the bright side, yes. I try to see the good that I have accomplished and that I want to keep doing. But sometimes that feels too much like pretending everything is okay when it's not.

 

I've prided myself for controlling my feelings these past few years but it's hurting me now.

[SpiralOut]

I decided to just go after all. How am I supposed to make progress if I back off each time I get scared?

 

I am still nervous about the way I come across. My point of view tends to be depressing. Well I guess it can be funny sometimes, but mostly just feelings and views that are disturbing. I can't help it though. I've been dealing with a lot of anger and fear not only in myself but in people around me and that's just what I know. I can't pretend to be uplifting and happy.

 

I get vacation time next week, so I'll be seeing some old friends and family. I really need it. Right now I am just trying to surround myself with positive people. That way I don't need to worry so much about how I come across because I know people like that won't judge me too harshly.

 

Tomorrow I have a second date so hopefully that goes well. It makes me nervous that I need to balance being open with maintaining some privacy. Certain questions put me on edge. Trusting people is hard. That's why I'm happy about spending some time with people I've known for a long time. I can relax more with them.

 

It feels really good to be finally treating myself to some time off. I haven't done that at all in the past year and a half. I think getting away from it all will help to give me perspective. I probably won't be on LS or the internet that much.

[SpiralOut]

I just spent the past week with people I've been friends with for a long time. It felt good to just be around people who accept me for who I am. They can see that I'm not in the best place right now. They aren't stupid. I did the best I could to explain things without making myself look pathetic, but without lying either. I'm not going to pretend that everything is great. They said encouraging things and didn't make me feel bad in the least.

 

Visiting my hometown and being around those people reminds me of who I used to be and how much I've changed. I get along with them better now than I used to (we drifted apart for a few years) and I think it's because my state of mind is going back to how it used to be.

 

Even though it was good to see them, I'm feeling sad now. It sucks to not have any close friends in my city. The ones I used to have either moved away or drifted away or I had a falling out with them. I have only aquaintances here.

 

I think I made a smart move distancing myself from my coworkers. It would have been a bad idea on my part to allow them to know too much about me. My instincts told me to keep up a boundary and that's what I have done.

 

At this point I think it's best to just sort of stand still and be aware of what's happening. There's a photo club I want to join, just so I don't feel so bored when I go out to do photography. I want to update my resume and start looking at other jobs, just to see what my options are. Most importantly, though, is that I'm educating myself with what's happening locally. Local blogs, local news and events, local shops. I want to know what's happening in the community so I can figure out a way to be more active in it. I have an idea of how to link up my blogging with other local websites and bloggers. It will encourage me to keep doing it if I put a local slant on it. That's what I should focus on, and hopefully I'll meet some good people along the way.

Edited September 21, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

There's this girl that I can't stand. Even though she's done nothing to me, I just can't stand her at all. I've only met her once, yet she added me on FB (and hasn't attempted to talk to me on there) and I'm regretting accepting the request because the more I see how she behaves on there the less I think of her.

 

She is incredibly insecure. It's very obvious. I think maybe I dislike her because she reminds me that I am too. I wouldn't mind so much if she was low-key about it but she is just so in your face, it's like she has no dignity at all. Taking photos of herself nearly every day in the mirror with her phone camera and posting them online, constantly talking about how happy she is, how she loves her boyfriend so much, how much she hates haters. Certain people have told/asked her why does she do that, and she wrote a defensive update about why she does that and its no big deal, why are people questioning her on it. She says good morning and goodnight to facebook. Oh my god. It's so obvious she needs attention to feel good. It's like she's using this social media website as her private diary. And lets not forget the endless pictures/quotations about what a real man really is, what a real woman is, etc etc. The up-close photos of kissing on the lips. Holy geez, who are you trying to make a point to?

 

I blocked it all off. It still irritates me, though, that this girl just has no sense of privacy for herself and just doesn't understand or care how she's coming across as attention-starved. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. In a way, it reminds me of me and my ex and the way we would pretend to be so happy together when we weren't. When I look at her stuff it makes me think she's pretending to be happy. The happiest people I know don't ever brag about it.

 

Basically I'm updating because I think that learning to accept this girl is a big key to accepting myself. I haven't acted out quite so atrociously as her, I don't think (dear god I hope not), but still I think I should find some compassion for her. I just don't know how.

[SpiralOut]

I just reached out to my brother. We have never been very close. It is something that has always bothered me. Over the past few years we've been slowly getting closer. Today I called him and we had a long talk, a really good one. I asked if I could stay at his place this coming weekend and he said yes. I figured he would, but I was still afraid to ask, so I'm really glad I made myself ask. He's going to pick me up at the bus stop and I'll stay at his place.

 

My relationships with other family members, like cousins, aunts, grandmother, are very distant. I think I should work on fixing that. There are people I miss talking to. I have not seen many of these people in years, but my grandmother and my one set of aunt/uncle have always been so kind to me that I feel terrible about not staying in touch. I want to fix that before it's too late.

 

I think I've had everything backwards. I was trying to reach out and meet new people to befriend, when I have distant or damaged relationships hanging around in the background. How can I make new friends when I feel so estranged from my own family and from the friends I have had for years.

 

Next on my list is getting together again with some older friends, the group I used to be so close to years ago. I am ready to open up to them about some of what has happened with me. I'm nervous of being judged. I know they probably won't but I just feel embarassed to admit to them that my life has been so crappy. I feel pathetic. But I can't hide this anymore. I've been thinking about it almost every day this week. I'm still not sure how to say things.

[SpiralOut]

Something just shifted in my head.

 

Not sure what it is exactly. But I see now that I'm good looking. I've always known that from what people have told me but I never felt like it. Now I do. It changes how I see things. I am starting to wonder if my physical appearance changes the way I come across to others.

 

I hear myself differently when I talk. It's hard to explain. I hear myself better. It feels like I'm talking loud, but I'm not doing it on purpose. Not sure what that means.

 

I've been mostly observing these past few weeks. Everything somehow feels more something. More clear, I guess.

 

I'm also befriending someone. Not sure how that happened, I just sort of did it without thinking. It really surprised me how much she opened up with me. Nothing overly private or inappropriate or anything like that, but just, feels safe talking to me I guess. That feels significant somehow.

 

Oh right and I'll be applying to volunteer somewhere soon. Filling out the papers this weekend. I've been putting it off because I'm nervous. It just feels like, wow, this is it. This is what I've been looking for (I've been looking for an organization that I feel strongly about). Maybe I'm worried it won't be what I hope it to be.

[Pirouette]

I've read through some of this thread and just want to applaud you for your continued efforts to improve yourself.

 

Keep up the good work!

[SpiralOut]

I've read through some of this thread and just want to applaud you for your continued efforts to improve yourself.

 

Keep up the good work!

 

Thank you. I want to give up sometimes. But. I won't.

Edited October 9, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Pirouette]

Thank you. I want to give up sometimes. But. I won't.

 

I've dealt with anxiety and self-esteem issues and it seems to get to a point where you realize that you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. It hits you that living life like that for the rest of your days would be hell, so why not give yourself a fighting chance at happiness?

 

When I have off days, I remind myself of the above, and I think about the progress I've made from the first time I decided that I no longer wanted to be that weak, miserable person.

 

So I hope when you want to give up, you think about how far you've come from the person at the beginning of this thread. We're all supporting you.