OliveOyl Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I have a friend who has had a long-term (several years) affair. The affair partner lives out of town, and they see each other a few times a year. Up to this point, the affair has fit the criteria of "success" that OP was asking about. I do think it is causing an impact on if not the marriage, then at least my friend's conscience and well-being, but outwardly, there is no obvious impact and the marriage appears intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I have a friend who has had a long-term (several years) affair. The affair partner lives out of town, and they see each other a few times a year. Up to this point, the affair has fit the criteria of "success" that OP was asking about. I do think it is causing an impact on if not the marriage, then at least my friend's conscience and well-being, but outwardly, there is no obvious impact and the marriage appears intact. Just because the affair isn't blown out of the water yet, doesn't mean it's in any way positive or successful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 SMO, I don't mean to be rude, but I coudln't help reacting. Nothing rude about sharing your opinion. This is a lame rationalization of how the marriages work. No. It was a discussion on how some actual marriages work, based on my personal knowledge of those marriages. So you think that As may not affect the M ? Actually, I know for a fact some A's don't effect some M's. Kind of like the old military "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. As I stated, I have known some married couples who live very separate lives from each other, usually due to their careers, sometimes by choice. I know couples who only live together on the weekends. I know couples who spend months in a row living apart each year. I have known, or strongly suspected in some of those cases, that during that time apart, one or both of them "date", without the knowledge of their spouse. Well your M was very much affected, otherwise you'd been still married today, don't you think ? Yes. My STBXW's affairs very much had an impact on my decision to end our M. I'm not sure how that relates to what I was talking about, as she and I didn't not have an M where we spent any amount of time not living together. I am also unsure of what you'd find humorous about it. Perhaps you could share your joke with the class. What surprises me most is that, considering you are a fBS, so-moving-on from your wife's A, you are ok being an OM to a MW that doesn't give a $h#t about you and you keep posting/telling us that you still love her. I wasn't aware you knew my GF. How did you determine she doesn't give a **** about me? Are you sure you didn't mean to be rude? Link to post Share on other sites
DonVee Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 My exHusband had a very successful affair that resulted in a VERY successful divorce! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I wasn't aware you knew my GF. How did you determine she doesn't give a **** about me? Are you sure you didn't mean to be rude? I apologize SMO, I was really rude... No comment with the rest..whatever makes your boat float. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 A's happen while the spouse isn't around? Well isn't that something! I never would have guessed! Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 A "Successful Affair". Sounds like a political faux pas that somehow turned out right. That someone, a married person, can have an affair that is successful is an oxymoron to me. A successful R yes. One that is open, lasts a long time, brings lots of joy and happiness and ends well (preferably through death). Even Francois Mitterand's mistress wouldn't have called his A "successful". It wasn't open. I have a hard time with language. I love words and usually give them their due weight. "Successful" is a good word. "Affair" in the context of which we speak, the opposite of good. So it sounds weird to me. Perhaps from a WS' point of view, one could have a "successful dalliance"? Don't you love the English language? Link to post Share on other sites
MoneyWorld Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I had an affair close to 20 years ago, married my affair partner (she was in a relationship at the time as well), and have been very happy ever since. I'd consider that successful, but your opinion may be different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I had an affair close to 20 years ago, married my affair partner (she was in a relationship at the time as well), and have been very happy ever since. I'd consider that successful, but your opinion may be different. In order to marry your AP, you would need to commit bigamy, no? Seriously, by the time you married her, you were divorced and so was she. In other words, you were in a R, not an A. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Wow. Brand new poster, one post, and that's it? Hmmm.... Link to post Share on other sites
MoneyWorld Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 No, not bigamy. I was in a marriage when I met my current wife, as was she. We carried on our affair, hidden from each of our spouses, for roughly a year before we decided to each end our marriages and commit to each other. We lived together for about a year and then married when each of our divorces were finalized. And yes, first post as I saw a topic that I actually wanted to comment on. I came across the forums not long ago while searching for date ideas for married couples and have stuck around as a lurker since then. Link to post Share on other sites
Stillgrowing Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I just read a post from a fOW-turned-W 4 years ago, and she was posting about how much pressure she feels to keep things spicy to keep the fWS engaged. I can't imagine the pressure you must be under after 20 years. I hope you found what you were looking for. Why if there is pressure with one fOW to keep it spicy must there be pressure with this fOW, everyone is different. She hasn't posted what their respective relationships were like, they could have been relationships where if it had been posted about, everyone would have been yelling to run for the hills. I like these forums because they can give you a dose of reality without all the bias that comes from asking family and friends who are entwined in the RL drama but, sweet Jesus, there are so many snap judgements that are made it's a little ridiculous. There is also a lot of bitterness that lies behind some of the posts. Every OW is not a whore. I'm not advocating affairs, but in my book, it's kind of like abortion. I'm personally very much against it for ME, but I don't walk in anyone else's shoes and can't make decisions for their uterus' or marriages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MoneyWorld Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 For what it matters, my first marriage was bad due to both of us feeding off of each others misery. I'm not going to sit here and say it was all her fault - we both had our issues and we use to (in hindsight) antagonize each other just for the sake of making each other miserable. Do I feel bad that I cheated on her? Yes, somewhat. Do I regret it? Not for a second. Do I think it was a mistake or would I change it? Not on your life. My wife was in an abusive relationship, mostly mental with some minor physical. Both of our relationships were on the rocks before we met, neither of us was looking for an affair, but when we met it was just instant attraction for both of us. She saw things in me that I didn't see in myself at the time, and I saw things in her that she didn't see in herself at the time. We took comfort in each others company and after a couple of months it became a full blown affair. From there it took about a year before we both pulled the trigger and took steps to end each of our marriages. I'm sure that many here can relate that bad relationships aren't always easy to leave, especially if you have some kind of mental attachment to a bad situation. As stupid as it sounds, it seemed like I needed my ex to push my buttons and I needed to push hers. Rightly or wrongly, I didn't get to the place where I was mentally sound enough to get out of the marriage until the affair was a year old. My wife was in the same state with her marriage (the mentally sound enough to get out for about a year that is). And now, closing in on 20 years together I'm just as attracted to my wife I was on day 1 if not more so, all of our old issues have faded, and we are both very strong and mentally solid, enjoying our lives together every day. Arguments are few and far between and not serious, and we continue to enjoy each others company day in and day out. I cringe to even think about where I would be today if I hadn't had an affair and if I would have stayed with my first wife (and I hate to think what my wife would have done / what would have happened to her if she hadn't got out of her first marriage). And the comment about keeping things spicy, that is reading far too much into it. I was just looking for interesting things to do, not out of necessity but out curiosity. We have done so many things together over the near two decades together, lots of great "date nights" (I hesitate to even call them that as every night is date night, even if we do nothing but sit at home and watch TV together) and lots of varied and interesting things. I was just looking for other unusual things that I haven't thought of. Pedal boat on the lake, picking up shells on the beach, flying a kite in the park, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I guess I just find it odd to come to a site like this to find date ideas but not post a thread asking for them. To each his own I guess. Anywhooo... I can't imagine not having done nearly everything there is to do after being married 20 years. Start at the beginning and do it all over again! One of my favorite things is to take a romantic walk somewhere (river's edge, nice forest, whatever...) to a place where you can share a nice meal, then walk back. We have a place where I live where you can park your car and take a nice walk on the water's edge to various and sundry restaurants and then walk back. A good, long enough walk, but not so long that you dread the return, if you know what I mean. Happy dating! There. Was that "useful"? Link to post Share on other sites
Stillgrowing Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Well, one might consider having an affair an abortion of class and integrity, but the comparison ends for me there. Of course You cut my quote a little short and thereby removed the point. I said: I'm not advocating affairs, but in my book, it's kind of like abortion. I'm personally very much against it for ME, but I don't walk in anyone else's shoes and can't make decisions for their uterus' or marriages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I guess I just find it odd to come to a site like this to find date ideas but not post a thread asking for them. To each his own I guess. Anywhooo... I can't imagine not having done nearly everything there is to do after being married 20 years. Start at the beginning and do it all over again! One of my favorite things is to take a romantic walk somewhere (river's edge, nice forest, whatever...) to a place where you can share a nice meal, then walk back. We have a place where I live where you can park your car and take a nice walk on the water's edge to various and sundry restaurants and then walk back. A good, long enough walk, but not so long that you dread the return, if you know what I mean. Happy dating! There. Was that "useful"? Okay. Not useful then, or perhaps date ideas aren't really the purpose for the visit here. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 moneyworld, Welcome to the forums! Even if you had never met your now W, there was no reason why you had to stay married to your first W. I don't understand why people don't just file for divorce when they have a bad marriage, rather than having an affair. The hurt to the dumped spouse would be less, than if they found out they had been cheated on before the divorce. I'm glad you are happy in your long 2nd marriage. But everyone grows, matures, and changes throughout the years, so you really can't speculate whether you or your now W, would have stayed miserable in your first marriages.Especially if you had not met each other at all. Just food for thought, from a long time married person.(30+ years) Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Money world, reading your story, I now understand why you said you had a "successful" affair. It was successful in that you found the woman you love, married her and have been together for decades. I still have issues with the phrase because it is a standard oxymoron in my books. And...welcome to LS. To the OP: what exactly do you mean by a successful affair? Pairing those words makes for controversial conversation because it's open to all sorts of interpretation. If the A partners are in love and leave their Ms, then they are in a R. At least that's how I see it. They are no longer in an A if it's open. My first impression was that you meant someone having an A for years and years without being caught, without hurting anybody, without the usual fallout. Is that it? Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 nemo, I think the original poster meant an affair without a d-day, as in the spouse never found out. He assumes no d-day means no pain or hurt to the BW/BH and kids. We have numerous threads here where BW/BH talk of all the bad things they experienced during the time their spouse was actively cheating! Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 nemo, I think the original poster meant an affair without a d-day, as in the spouse never found out. He assumes no d-day means no pain or hurt to the BW/BH and kids. We have numerous threads here where BW/BH talk of all the bad things they experienced during the time their spouse was actively cheating! Thanks, BB. Well if that's the case, then I'll just say that only the WS could ever think an A "successful". That is, successful because he/she got to have fun, his W or her H had no idea and couldn't care less whether the OW/OM hurt or not. I'd like to know the statistics of how many married people actually have As just because of lust and are so callous as to not care about anybody else's feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitsune77 Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 I just thought SMO expression was funny. Kitsune, I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
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