Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Why would you be involved with such a selfish self serving MM for 8 years? Because I AM STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Mutual friend? But, don't you see, you knowing those types of details of their life and what goes on IN IT, only feeds your anger and resentment? It isn't healthy for you. If this is a mutual friend and they 'knew' of the affair, maybe think of telling them to not tell you stuff that goes on there.. No it was not a mutual friend......a friend of a friend of a friend and NO THEY DON't know about the A.....Just something that was said in passing! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Well call his W and tell her your truth. And anytime anyone speaks of them just say "please don't speak of them, I don't intend to know about their life!" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 All I can say is, if his wife is ill and whatever is going on - the last thing she needs to deal with is finding out about an 8 year affair. I know some on here, respectfully I disagree in this case, due to her illness and *could be* severity of it, are encouraging you to tell, but I wouldn't.. It's up to you, just know that if you choose to tell, there WILL be a huge fallout and more consquences, drama that will affect you as well - And, are you prepared to face her - talk to her, in detail and explain why you chose to have an 8 year affair with her husband? And after all this time, now you chose to tell her? Knowing that her health is poor? BE 100% sure and know your reasons. Are they pure and honest, do you truly feel she needs to know - Dig down deep..Or is it revenge and you feel he isn't worthy of her love and trust, so therefore you're taking matters into your own hands and want him to suffer, even though it'll end up tearing a family apart. YES I know he did this to her to begin with by having an 8 year affair with you, but you knew all along that he was married, with children and that didn't stop for nearly a decade. Will you feel at peace once you tell? Or regret it, wish you kept your mouth closed and let go of all this..Forgiven yourself and moved on? Again, be sure of your motives behind this and whatever your decision is, be OK with it either way. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I believe most illness stems from emotional imbalance. She could be sick due to denying what she already knows! Understanding what's real could help her make sense of so many things that never made sense to her before. Having peace of mind - and knowing truth is freedom. The lies you participated in may actually be contributing to her being sick... Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Let it go. Him suffering isn't going to help you to heal any faster. If he ever tries to contact you again, give him complete silence. Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Dude u kno wat...sorry 2 b crude but this guy went home after sticking his c**k into anotha woman and stuck it into his wife, FOR 8 YEARS!!-looked his kids in d eye, spent cash on u , spent time on u tht shud hav gone 2 his kids. Probly put his wife thru hell. Girl he is a POS. Now if u tel her u r givin her a bit of respect, sumone for once is givin her a bit of respect, he probly made her feel like a POS for yrs, and yea, it wont make a wrong a rite if u tell her, uve gone 2 far for a rite, but u r givin her sum respect. U need 2 do tht girl, u need to stand up n get sum caracter n do d rite thing. Mayb if u dont wanna tell her urself u can tell sumone close 2 her and thy will brake the news. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 It has been a long while since I have seen or talked to xMM...and the one thing that keeps creeping into the back of my head is: HE HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH MURDER......an affair that lasted almost 8 years and his W never found out....It just creeps me out that he can go on like nothing ever happened and he was leading a double life for so long and then he just conveniently goes back into his M and she will NEVER know......I just don't think that is fair....She should know what kind of husband she is married to....but I did get a great piece of advice from a friend of mine.... She said...It might not happen today or tomorrow or even next year.... BUT EVERYTHING COMES OUT IN THE WASH!!!!!! and she will find out someday!!!! Oh my I actually feel sorry for his wife...... I agree with your friend. We don't know people's consequences and the lessons they need to learn and when that will happen for them. Some people are oblivious and some want to be oblivious....but trust and believe, that every dog has it's day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 I believe most illness stems from emotional imbalance. She could be sick due to denying what she already knows! Understanding what's real could help her make sense of so many things that never made sense to her before. Having peace of mind - and knowing truth is freedom. The lies you participated in may actually be contributing to her being sick... You know what 2sunny...I thought this EXACTLY and so did my girlfriend that knows of the A she had also stated the same exact words that you wrote!!!! but he had told me back in July...the last time I had talked to him....that she had been suffering with low grade fevers since around May....and has been tested and tested but they have found nothing. But from what I understand her sister had a lymphoma of some sort in her forties and she underwent treatment and is healthy now. So he seems to think that she is following in the same pattern as her sister...It is hereditary.....I just could not go on anymore and had been wanting to get out of this A for quite some time...(But I didn't want to hurt his feelings (yeah I know I am a dope) so her being ill gave me the perfect out....Cannot do this anymore, and now that she might be sick...I feel even worse!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Dude u kno wat...sorry 2 b crude but this guy went home after sticking his c**k into anotha woman and stuck it into his wife, FOR 8 YEARS!!-looked his kids in d eye, spent cash on u , spent time on u tht shud hav gone 2 his kids. Probly put his wife thru hell. Girl he is a POS. Now if u tel her u r givin her a bit of respect, sumone for once is givin her a bit of respect, he probly made her feel like a POS for yrs, and yea, it wont make a wrong a rite if u tell her, uve gone 2 far for a rite, but u r givin her sum respect. U need 2 do tht girl, u need to stand up n get sum caracter n do d rite thing. Mayb if u dont wanna tell her urself u can tell sumone close 2 her and thy will brake the news. Phillyfan.....I SO AGREE WITH YOUR STATEMENT!!!! Maybe I can give her the respect that she deserves!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 All I can say is, if his wife is ill and whatever is going on - the last thing she needs to deal with is finding out about an 8 year affair. I know some on here, respectfully I disagree in this case, due to her illness and *could be* severity of it, are encouraging you to tell, but I wouldn't.. It's up to you, just know that if you choose to tell, there WILL be a huge fallout and more consquences, drama that will affect you as well - And, are you prepared to face her - talk to her, in detail and explain why you chose to have an 8 year affair with her husband? And after all this time, now you chose to tell her? Knowing that her health is poor? BE 100% sure and know your reasons. Are they pure and honest, do you truly feel she needs to know - Dig down deep..Or is it revenge and you feel he isn't worthy of her love and trust, so therefore you're taking matters into your own hands and want him to suffer, even though it'll end up tearing a family apart. YES I know he did this to her to begin with by having an 8 year affair with you, but you knew all along that he was married, with children and that didn't stop for nearly a decade. Will you feel at peace once you tell? Or regret it, wish you kept your mouth closed and let go of all this..Forgiven yourself and moved on? Again, be sure of your motives behind this and whatever your decision is, be OK with it either way. Whichway......NO I have decided AGAINST saying anything to her.... If she is ill she does not need this on her plate also...She has enough to deal with being married to him. I am at peace, it came just today...but it has come. What will be will be with his M, I don't want any parts of it or xMM. Thank you Jesus! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 She has the chance to get well IF she knows truth... Yet you will keep it from her? Denial manifests in so many ways...especially elusive illnesses... If you are firm about not telling her, I respect that decision...but then the next step would be to let go of ANY feelings about your xMM. Become neutral - get to a place where you just don't care if he's pompous or not = completely unaffected - THAT is freedom! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 She has the chance to get well IF she knows truth... Yet you will keep it from her? Denial manifests in so many ways...especially elusive illnesses... If you are firm about not telling her, I respect that decision...but then the next step would be to let go of ANY feelings about your xMM. Become neutral - get to a place where you just don't care if he's pompous or not = completely unaffected - THAT is freedom! 2sunny! I hear what you are saying but I have 2 reasons that I WILL not tell her.... 1st: Don't know what her sickness is stemming from...I am not a doctor... 2nd: They CAN rekindle their relationship. They have "Roots" and he does love her and his children. He always said he would never divorce her and I think they can get back what they had....Marriages go through peaks and valleys but what they do have is a very tight familial unit one that he or she would never let go of NO MATTER WHAT! I am actually hoping that their marriage survives..and if she doesn't know about his A...he is VERY GOOD AT COMPARTMENTALIZING.....in the end they will come back around TOGETHER! And things could be better than ever!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 LIL, From my real life experiences, most MM that cheat and don't get caught, go on to have other affairs when the opportunity presents itself. They never stop or grow up because they have never had to face all of the consequences for their actions. And when a wife finds out her H was nothing but a serial cheater for most of their entire marriage, she is devastated. She feels like her whole life has been stolen from her. Because if she had know the truth she would have made entirely different decisions about her future. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 HO, You mentioned lacking integrity in other parts of their life. Can you give examples? Most of these types of MM are like con artists. They are very charming, good looking, charismatic, hard workers, sweet, and even loving. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 I wish my xMM's wife had warned me he was a DOG! The fact that he is married & cheating proves that he is a dog. No warning from wife required. And most OW would never heed a BW's warning anyway (because in her mind, BW is jealous & trying to break them up). The reason most MM seek A's is to get the admiration and validation that their wife no longer provides for them. Most of the time, it's not because he is a neglected husband. It's because a long string of disappointments have caused his wife to see him as undeserving of her admiration and validation. OW, on the other hand, doesn't really know him yet so she is happy to fill that need for him, too blinded by the love and attention to see his issues and flaws that the BW has been dealing with for years. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 I wish my xMM's wife had warned me he was a DOG! Betrayed wives miss red flags, no less than OW's do Uh, the red flag is that he was married, and you knew this:o Point being,cheating is not the first sign that someone is capable of being a cheater. So helping yourself to a cheater didn't tell you he was a cheater? I have just one question about that. Uh, what?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 LIL, From my real life experiences, most MM that cheat and don't get caught, go on to have other affairs when the opportunity presents itself. They never stop or grow up because they have never had to face all of the consequences for their actions. And when a wife finds out her H was nothing but a serial cheater for most of their entire marriage, she is devastated. She feels like her whole life has been stolen from her. Because if she had know the truth she would have made entirely different decisions about her future. BB - Good Morning! I have to agree with this....But xmm always said HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT AGAIN!!! But ya know what I think he really NEEDS to. He can't live without the ego boosting, validation, sex, so yes, I think he will cheat again. I'd put money on it! He always stated that he and his W have grown apart, either you make it or you don't! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 The fact that he is married & cheating proves that he is a dog. No warning from wife required. And most OW would never heed a BW's warning anyway (because in her mind, BW is jealous & trying to break them up). The reason most MM seek A's is to get the admiration and validation that their wife no longer provides for them. Most of the time, it's not because he is a neglected husband. It's because a long string of disappointments have caused his wife to see him as undeserving of her admiration and validation. OW, on the other hand, doesn't really know him yet so she is happy to fill that need for him, too blinded by the love and attention to see his issues and flaws that the BW has been dealing with for years. Quiet Storm... So agree with the statement! But if the OW ever would wind up with the married man she would also come to the same conclusion at some point and time just as the wife had that he really isn't "ALL THAT GRAND"! I always told xmm that if I lived with him I would KILL him!!!! Couldn't deal with him on a 24/7 basis. So yes, she can have him..... And yes at some point and time he will need to cheat again because of the validation, and ego boosting not to mention he needs to get laid.... He is a on a power climb up the corporate ladder and he needs that dick sucking and hey look at me I am great person to survive.. Not for me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 HO, You mentioned lacking integrity in other parts of their life. Can you give examples? Most of these types of MM are like con artists. They are very charming, good looking, charismatic, hard workers, sweet, and even loving. BB...you have just described my xMM. Con-artist.. good looking, hardworker, sweet and loving.....BUT CHEAP!!!!! and he makes fantastic money...Can't handle a cheap man! Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 LIL, It doesn't matter how much money you make, if you don't know how to manage it. Most people I know that are well off, have always been frugal with their money. Most people that have huge homes, luxury cars, name brand clothes, etc. are so far in debt that they will never climb out. There is a big difference between being cheap and being frugal. In what ways was your XMM cheap? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 LIL, It doesn't matter how much money you make, if you don't know how to manage it. Most people I know that are well off, have always been frugal with their money. Most people that have huge homes, luxury cars, name brand clothes, etc. are so far in debt that they will never climb out. There is a big difference between being cheap and being frugal. In what ways was your XMM cheap? I actually meant Frugal...But he came off as being REALLY CHEAP! He admitted that to me a long time ago, that he was cheap! I asked him if he still had his 1st grade recess money! One way he was cheap, hmmm let's see....he had sent me roses one year for valentines day and I thought it was so sweet, they were beautiful, when I had called to thank him for the beautiful gift he had to mention to me a FEW times how much they were...it took the whole beauty out of why he had sent them....I told him a few months later PLEASE DO NOT EVER send me flowers again.....only to complain about the $$!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I actually meant Frugal...But he came off as being REALLY CHEAP! He admitted that to me a long time ago, that he was cheap! I asked him if he still had his 1st grade recess money! One way he was cheap, hmmm let's see....he had sent me roses one year for valentines day and I thought it was so sweet, they were beautiful, when I had called to thank him for the beautiful gift he had to mention to me a FEW times how much they were...it took the whole beauty out of why he had sent them....I told him a few months later PLEASE DO NOT EVER send me flowers again.....only to complain about the $$!!! Well right there, in that one act, you learned what his W lives with on a daily basis: His gifts come with strings attached and price tags you had better admire. Mmmm, yuck. In counseling most cheaters learn that it WASN'T that they weren't getting enough in their marriage; it was that they weren't GIVING enough....you know, time, attention, respect, consideration, kindness....sexual gratification. Because in any relationship, you have to give that to get it. And the less you give it, most likely, the less you get it. So I think you are right. He will continue the pattern of probably being a s##t H and find another OW who is, at first, oh so impressed with him, and in time he will prove himself to be a s##t BF to her. Why should a leopard change its spots if life circumstances doesn't for it to? Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 XMM got away with MURDER... haha wow exagerate much? Especialy considering cheating spouses have been known to be MURDERED by the BS. I would put a little more reflection on your own life because after all those are the only actions you can control. As for a cheating MM and his BS they both know whats going on. I'm not saying some one likes being cheated on or can 100% avoid it. What I am saying is that after even a short ammount of time of some one cheating on you it can be stopped. You don't need 100% proof that they cheated. If they're out of the house all the time doing odd things then if you need your 100% proof it won't be hard to get. I mean some one who just goes out and fcks a hooker from time to time would be harder to catch. and even this type of activity would become obvious over 8 years. Do what ever will make you happy. Telling her 8 years later is just a little to late. Should have told her at the 7 year mark. Also these women who stay with this type of man get something out of it. Don't for an instant see them as victims. Some of them don't like sex and are happy not to be hounded and just play house. Some of them couldn't be with a guy in one on one. For all we know she's been cheating on him haha. I mean really we treat the BS like a baby on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinlife4now Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 XMM got away with MURDER... haha wow exagerate much? Especialy considering cheating spouses have been known to be MURDERED by the BS. I would put a little more reflection on your own life because after all those are the only actions you can control. As for a cheating MM and his BS they both know whats going on. I'm not saying some one likes being cheated on or can 100% avoid it. What I am saying is that after even a short ammount of time of some one cheating on you it can be stopped. You don't need 100% proof that they cheated. If they're out of the house all the time doing odd things then if you need your 100% proof it won't be hard to get. I mean some one who just goes out and fcks a hooker from time to time would be harder to catch. and even this type of activity would become obvious over 8 years. Do what ever will make you happy. Telling her 8 years later is just a little to late. Should have told her at the 7 year mark. Also these women who stay with this type of man get something out of it. Don't for an instant see them as victims. Some of them don't like sex and are happy not to be hounded and just play house. Some of them couldn't be with a guy in one on one. For all we know she's been cheating on him haha. I mean really we treat the BS like a baby on this forum. No Dust I don't Exaggerate AT ALL!!!!!! And please go back and read my posts on this thread...I WILL NOT tell her. He is HER problem. And yes she is very happy "PLAYING HOUSE". She is very INTO her children and her lifestyle. She does have a good life if you can call it that, she lives in a beautiful home, new car, doesn't have to work, and he TRAVELS CONSTANTLY all over the world, so yes he can get it ANYWHERE! She would be a fool to leave that! No matter what he is doing! xMM and W were very tight at one time (but he had always said that something was missing) YEAH A WHORE!!! lol lol) and I hope that she and he can get back there again or at least something better! They both said they would NEVER divorce....NO MATTER WHAT!!!! He said to me that he lives in a "CORDIAL ENVIRONMENT"! Hey if they can achieve that, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
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