lilyblue Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Has anyone here been an inconsiderate dumper at some point in their life? How did you feel after you did it? Did you get over your own actions? Did you apologize to the dumpee eventually? Any experiences?
fucpcg Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Once. The issues really related to me a 36 year old dating a 27 year old. I was marriage seeking, she wasn't close to settling down, although she thought she was. I ended it with her twice. The first time she was really asking for it. Ran into her bout 6 months later, we talked thru it and gave a second try. She was better, but not there yet. I was really upset with her the second time, and more or less threw her out of my house. It was fair enough on my end, but should have handled with more maturity than I did. I bumped into her a few times in passing after, bur she rushed past me, even though I tried to stop and talk and be nice. Eventually one day she took time to talk to me, and we are back to being good friends.
Author lilyblue Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Interesting. Thanks for your response. Do you think you would have sought her out for friendship if you hadn't run into her? Or was it just a product of circumstance? Did you feel guilty at all for the way you had handled the situation?
chados Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 i know that he left you in a bad way.. but honestly, it doesnt always feel great to hear stuff like.. we will always be friends etc. nothing of this is your fault, and you will feel better if you let go. its not always that easy, but you just have stop look for answers why he did this. i think you already understand why. he didnt wanna face you, he was scared to look you in the eyes. he took the easy way out plain and simple. i dont know if this counts, but ive been doing stuff like this when i was a teenager. and yes i did felt bad about it. ive also been through a rough breakup where we had a talk about it. but the thing here is that before the breakup she acted like another person, if i told her i loved her she would say, thats great with a smiley face.. i mean that was to me the worst of all the breakups.. she is a nice girl, and ive always treated her great. what did i do?, well my first reaction was to get her back of course.. but after 2 months with her initiating contact. ive told myself.. if she wants me its her problem. i called her up, told her to not contact me anymore, i respected your decision and i believe this is the best thing to do right now. she's actually been trying to talk to me on some occasions. but for me this is it. i dont want someone that isnt able to work on the problems. and i dont wanna talk with someone that gets mad everytime i tell her she's wrong about something. there are two in a relationship and if one doesnt appreciate it, its their problem.
fucpcg Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Interesting. Thanks for your response. Do you think you would have sought her out for friendship if you hadn't run into her? Or was it just a product of circumstance? Did you feel guilty at all for the way you had handled the situation? I always seek to remain friends with an ex. Dating is the closest form of relationship you can have with someone. Anyone who feels you are with someone, or you never talk to them again because you broke up, is someone I disagree with totally. Why were you with them if you didn't really care about them? And if you did, how do you explain not wanting to ever talk to them again. There is always some regret in a breakup, on both ends. I do not feel guilty about either breakup, but the 2nd breakup, I do wish I handled better, but its not guilt, it was clear we weren't in the same place in life.
Author lilyblue Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 I always seek to remain friends with an ex. Dating is the closest form of relationship you can have with someone. Anyone who feels you are with someone, or you never talk to them again because you broke up, is someone I disagree with totally. Why were you with them if you didn't really care about them? And if you did, how do you explain not wanting to ever talk to them again. There is always some regret in a breakup, on both ends. I do not feel guilty about either breakup, but the 2nd breakup, I do wish I handled better, but its not guilt, it was clear we weren't in the same place in life. I share the same outlook as you do on exes. Maybe it's not always possible if there's too much hurt, but there's a reason why this person was a part of your life. I talk to my two most significant exes (not including the last one) at least a few days a week each, and they are important to me. Maybe it's a moot point if you always seek to remain friends with exes, but do you think you would have sought her out out of regret for the way you handled the situation if you hadn't run into her? It sounds like maybe you would have sought her out just to stay in contact either way.
immitable Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I was always a dumper in my previous relationships but I always stayed friends to some degree and there is mutual respect. I guess I am not a bad person, never strung my gf along and tried all possible means to save the relationship as well as to validate reasons etc. The last breakup caught me by surprise, really, since my ex left me cold heartedly and brutally after 5 y relationship. NC the whole time (8 months now). This was a mega lesson for me though. The first red flag which I ignored was when she told me (she was married before and her marriage lasted 3 years) how she just cold heartedly presented divorce papers to him and the poor guy was in shock as he came from a different continent to live with her. I never asked her details thinking not to pry the information out of her. I ignored that, we knew each other kinda since we were kids. She really is a terrible communicator.
Emilia Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 I was probably a bit mean to the last guy I dated - it was only for about 6 weeks or so - but had such a terrible time with him I just wanted to get it over with and didn't want a conversation. I was quite angry with him because he presented a different side of him before we started dating (we were friends before) and I felt tricked in a way. Of course with time I realise he didn't do it on purpose, he just didn't know better but at the time I felt I didn't owe him an explanation. I did communicate my issues to him before the breakup though.
Author lilyblue Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 I was probably a bit mean to the last guy I dated - it was only for about 6 weeks or so - but had such a terrible time with him I just wanted to get it over with and didn't want a conversation. I was quite angry with him because he presented a different side of him before we started dating (we were friends before) and I felt tricked in a way. Of course with time I realise he didn't do it on purpose, he just didn't know better but at the time I felt I didn't owe him an explanation. I did communicate my issues to him before the breakup though. Sounds like a hard situation. What made it so terrible? Would you consider being friends with him again in the future?
Emilia Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Sounds like a hard situation. What made it so terrible? Would you consider being friends with him again in the future? Well aspects of it I can't tell him about without offending him so I suppose that's why I don't want to talk to him. The sex was really bad and sort of degrading though I don't think he saw it that way, he also tried to control me and slowly influence me to mould me into something that would fit his life. Because he is softly spoken no-one who knows him would believe what I'm typing up here. Anyway, I got fed up with it fast and cut contact. I really don't fancy having a conversation with him about any of this though and because of the hideous sex I feel sort of creeped out still. Guess that's a no. I'm friends with most of my exes though.
Author lilyblue Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 Well aspects of it I can't tell him about without offending him so I suppose that's why I don't want to talk to him. The sex was really bad and sort of degrading though I don't think he saw it that way, he also tried to control me and slowly influence me to mould me into something that would fit his life. Because he is softly spoken no-one who knows him would believe what I'm typing up here. Anyway, I got fed up with it fast and cut contact. I really don't fancy having a conversation with him about any of this though and because of the hideous sex I feel sort of creeped out still. Guess that's a no. I'm friends with most of my exes though. Ah, yeah, that's a hard topic and can definitely color your opinion of the person. Do you think he knew that you weren't enjoying the relationship? Or did you pretend everything was fine?
CopingGal Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I left a phone message breaking up with my ex. I had no choice. He kept ignoring my phone calls and would not call me. For a long time I wished I had told him face to face in a calm matter. In an email I did apologize for blind siding him. I found out later he was ignoring me because he was cheating on me.
Author lilyblue Posted January 21, 2012 Author Posted January 21, 2012 I left a phone message breaking up with my ex. I had no choice. He kept ignoring my phone calls and would not call me. For a long time I wished I had told him face to face in a calm matter. In an email I did apologize for blind siding him. I found out later he was ignoring me because he was cheating on me. Yeah, sounds like he was the awful dumper, not you.
fucpcg Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 I share the same outlook as you do on exes. Maybe it's not always possible if there's too much hurt, but there's a reason why this person was a part of your life. I talk to my two most significant exes (not including the last one) at least a few days a week each, and they are important to me. Maybe it's a moot point if you always seek to remain friends with exes, but do you think you would have sought her out out of regret for the way you handled the situation if you hadn't run into her? It sounds like maybe you would have sought her out just to stay in contact either way. As discussed, I'd always seek a way to keep friendship with anyone I dated of significance. With her it would not have been from regret. I handled ending less appropriately than I should have, but I ended it ultimately because of her behavior, and I never questioned myself there.
BettyBoop Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Has anyone here been an inconsiderate dumper at some point in their life? How did you feel after you did it? Did you get over your own actions? Did you apologize to the dumpee eventually? Any experiences? I was and I felt bad. I did apologize three years after it ended. I got over my own actions because I have matured since then - my actions when we broke up were those of a spoiled and insecure girl who was used to getting what she wanted. Looking back, there were sooo many times I could have been more understanding or trying to work at our problems. So I decided to tell him that and contacted him on email. However, after sending some messages back and forth I realized that although I am a different person now - he's still the same. Also, he told me stuff about his current g/f that told me additional stuff about his character... so, still was a good decision to end it.
CopingGal Posted January 21, 2012 Posted January 21, 2012 Yeah, sounds like he was the awful dumper, not you. I actually told him that. He insists I was the dumper and that he loved me up until I left him. I was so touched, knowing that he ignored me, lied to me, and cheated on me with love.
Frank13 Posted January 22, 2012 Posted January 22, 2012 I actually told him that. He insists I was the dumper and that he loved me up until I left him. I was so touched, knowing that he ignored me, lied to me, and cheated on me with love. Not to make light of your situation, but I saw your other post saying he ignored you because he was cheating on you, so this post of yours made me LOL.
Author lilyblue Posted January 22, 2012 Author Posted January 22, 2012 I was and I felt bad. I did apologize three years after it ended. I got over my own actions because I have matured since then - my actions when we broke up were those of a spoiled and insecure girl who was used to getting what she wanted. Looking back, there were sooo many times I could have been more understanding or trying to work at our problems. So I decided to tell him that and contacted him on email. However, after sending some messages back and forth I realized that although I am a different person now - he's still the same. Also, he told me stuff about his current g/f that told me additional stuff about his character... so, still was a good decision to end it. Wow, 3 years is a long time. Were you young when the break up happened? And just to clarify what I was asking for everyone - I wasn't meaning to imply that dumpers are awful. Just wondering if there were people on here who handled the situation badly and realized it. I'm sure in many cases it was the right decision to break up.
hopeful4someday Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I've usually been the dumper. I've felt guilty about it sometimes, and sort of afraid of the fallout (not wanting to hurt someone, etc.), but ultimately I always felt it was the right thing to do and in hindsight I'd do it again. I've never been one to apologize, though usually after enough time has passed, I've talked to them again on a pretty superficial/social level.
ZimboGon Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Yeah, i've dumped 3 people before. I don't usually ask girls out. Normally they get attracted to me, come onto me, and then they ask me out. Normally due to boredom, curiosity and whatnot, i say yes. This happened all three times. First one i left after three weeks. She noticed after my decline of contact i wasn't interested in her and she broke up with herself. The second after 5 days, and she left her boyfriend to be with me. I told her i just didn't like her that way. The third after two weeks. She asked me out, but i was still in love with my ex who broke up with me(the only girl i ever asked out). I said yes, and we were together for awhile until i realized i couldn't do it anymore. I left her, contacted my ex and she and i are back together. I left these girls without looking back. They all fell really hard for me, and the first one has tried several times to win me back.
stillafool Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I always seek to remain friends with an ex. Dating is the closest form of relationship you can have with someone. Anyone who feels you are with someone, or you never talk to them again because you broke up, is someone I disagree with totally. Why were you with them if you didn't really care about them? And if you did, how do you explain not wanting to ever talk to them again. There is always some regret in a breakup, on both ends. I do not feel guilty about either breakup, but the 2nd breakup, I do wish I handled better, but its not guilt, it was clear we weren't in the same place in life. It's not that they have anything against still being friends it's just that there aren't enough hours in a day. If you breakup with someone normally you move on to a new relationship. With work, chores, family, friends and a new relationship, it doesn't leave much time to hang out with an ex. That's why they call it a break-up.
Kamila Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 We had an argument on the phone about living together. He told me he didn't want it anymore and that he hasn't have time for kids and stuff. He had doubts and that I wasn't his priority anymore. So I said to him that we have nothing to talk about then. He wanted to meet with me, but I refused, I thought he wanted to break-up with me face to face. I felt so scared. A week later, I called my ex-bf to demand a get together. I practically plead him. I wanted to talk to him and apologize for wanting him to come over to my house to explain himself. He just kept yelling at me and after I started crying, he accepted the get together. When we meet he was all nice again, but something changed. He said he has been dating another girl he meet months ago on FB. He told that other girl that we were broken up because he didn't want kids. He didn't gave signs that he wanted to give our relationship a new chance. He was already in post break-up mode. So I just listened to him and accepted the break-up.
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