"Letting Go"

[pureinheart]

This is an exerpt from a book that has been very beneficial to me:

 

"The main cause of suicidal depression is the discovery that you are helpless. No matter what you do there is no way to make the other person love you.

 

The tragedy of of a lost love is the helplessness of not being able to do anything to change the other person's mind. In the past you were able to influence that person in every way.

 

Now you've broken up. Nothing will change your ex's mind. Not gifts, playing hard-to-get, withholding love, honesty, silence, flowers, temper tantrums, bullying tactics, even courting.

 

Manipulations don't work either. Nor does jealousy, seduction, rage, threats, tears, cajoling or even sex.

 

It's a shock to find out that all of the things you've done in the past to maintain the relationship no longer work. Messages through loved ones, children, pastors, friends. It's all for naught. You're doing the things that always worked before, and nothing is happening. You're depressed because you feel there is nothing to do. You feel helpless.

 

You may or may not get your old lover back, but even if you don't you'll be ok."

 

The rest of that particular paragragh addressed suicide, which IMO is very rare on this board.

 

Not every book has all of our individual "answers" although a lot of these books have so much to learn from. This particular book deals with taking destructive behavior and turning it to something possitive.

 

This particular exerpt spoke to me because I remember feeling helpless when feeling the person I loved was slipping away. It hurt bad...there was like a withdrawl period that I would go through because of sharing so much (depending on how far the relationship had progressed).

 

I am still letting go of many people, places and things. It's just a really weird, scary time for me right now and I am posting this in hopes that this will speak to those who need it as it did me.

 

I didn't realise how much I needed to let go of a lot of stuff, and based on what I am seeing out there, there are a lot of people hurting.

 

Please use this thread to release the things you know you need to let go of....I wish you all peace.

[Kismetly]

This is an exerpt from a book that has been very beneficial to me:

 

"The main cause of suicidal depression is the discovery that you are helpless. No matter what you do there is no way to make the other person love you.

 

The tragedy of of a lost love is the helplessness of not being able to do anything to change the other person's mind. In the past you were able to influence that person in every way.

 

Now you've broken up. Nothing will change your ex's mind. Not gifts, playing hard-to-get, withholding love, honesty, silence, flowers, temper tantrums, bullying tactics, even courting.

 

Manipulations don't work either. Nor does jealousy, seduction, rage, threats, tears, cajoling or even sex.

 

It's a shock to find out that all of the things you've done in the past to maintain the relationship no longer work. Messages through loved ones, children, pastors, friends. It's all for naught. You're doing the things that always worked before, and nothing is happening. You're depressed because you feel there is nothing to do. You feel helpless.

 

You may or may not get your old lover back, but even if you don't you'll be ok."

 

The rest of that particular paragragh addressed suicide, which IMO is very rare on this board.

 

Not every book has all of our individual "answers" although a lot of these books have so much to learn from. This particular book deals with taking destructive behavior and turning it to something possitive.

 

This particular exerpt spoke to me because I remember feeling helpless when feeling the person I loved was slipping away. It hurt bad...there was like a withdrawl period that I would go through because of sharing so much (depending on how far the relationship had progressed).

 

I am still letting go of many people, places and things. It's just a really weird, scary time for me right now and I am posting this in hopes that this will speak to those who need it as it did me.

 

I didn't realise how much I needed to let go of a lot of stuff, and based on what I am seeing out there, there are a lot of people hurting.

 

Please use this thread to release the things you know you need to let go of....I wish you all peace.

 

I made a serious, very nearly successful suicide attempt when I was 17, after a particularly difficult couple of years of family issues where I wasn't able to live at home with my parents and a relationship breakdown. I remember the complete despair ... the complete inability to believe that there was anything left in my world to hope for or that I could ever feel happy again.

 

In hindsight, I think what depresses me the most, is that despite how happy or successful the intervening years have been ... and how far I think I've come, I'm still that f'd up little girl obsessing over what decision an ar$ehat boy/man will make and how that will affect my life.

 

Thanks for posting this Pure. It reminds me that I'm in charge of what happens to me and how I feel about it. I needed the reminder.

[Spark1111]

Sweet post, PIH!

 

As for the suicidal, doubt they are posting here at LS seeking help, unfortunately.

 

Suicide and murder are more common after discovery of infidelity than most would imagine.

 

I had to let go of the marriage and family life I thought we shared, but we have forged a better one in its place. For that I am grateful, but I still wish I never had to go through this pain to get here.

 

I had to let go of my children. It was as a mother I felt truly important and I was good at it; but letting them go was in their best interests to grow and lead their own lives.

 

I had to let go of the notion that my mother would want to cure herself of her mental illness to be the parent I wished she would be for me. Who doesn't need their mother? But it was not to be, so I have accepted it and try to be the best daughter I can be to her without having any expectations of a return. She is sadly not capable and never will be.

 

I had to let go of my ego, a healthy one, which was pretty good at shouting: WHY ME? and making me really, really angry for a while there. I had to learn that bad things happen to good people and in that came some hard won wisdom. Intellect, status, work ethic, appearance or shrewd investments will not keep you immune from heartache.

 

I'd like to let go of another 15 lbs and a nasty smoking habit leftover from the early journalism days....but that may be REALLY HARD to acheive in the New Year!

[pureinheart]

Kismetly, it takes time. I do the same thing (obsessing) and still see that hurt little girl that had to hide everything because who the hell would listen anyway?

 

I'm still taking my power back. Noone is trying to take it away now because most have been eliminated from my life that were just takers or abusive...it is the past, the past times that I lost my power.

 

I'm not sure if this will make sense or if anyone has gone through this before, although I am having a hard time differentiating the past from the present...like this last summer there was a lot of "re-connection" happening. My ex MIL came out and all of the family got together...it was like no time had passed at all, but with the "ex" thing going on some things were awkward. It was the awkwardness that threw me off...too weird. Also I have run into a lot of people from my past that have been filling in the gaps of a repressed memory. It is difficult to describe, I just don't know what to do with all of the recent reuniting.

 

Your right Spark, I bet very few communicate attempts or even thoughts of suicide. Most suffer silently unfortunately until an actual attempt. My heart goes out to anyone in this state:(

 

You speak of your mother...wow...(everything you spoke of is hard, although would like to explore your mother). My mother had mental issues because she never dealt with anything. During the Depression era people sucked it up and that is how they lived their lives afterwards even. My mom turned to Prozac to "fix" her with no counceling. She saw "doctors" as gods and did whatever they said...she was on several meds (I'd say about 12 or 13. Due to unresolved issues and no attempt to resolve her issues she contracted many illnesses. I am not saying that all illness is from past issues, although I strongly believe hers were.

 

The meds started to make her crazy and enhanced all of her fears. She lacked knowledge of where she was at emotionally and lashed out a lot towards the end and operated in imaginations. I strongly believe all of her issues under councelling could have changed the direction of her life.

 

Ok now her gods (doctors) decided to change all of her meds...she immediately went into severe withdrawl and she was 74...most of the meds she had been taking for over 20 years. Talk about insanity, I cannot believe they did that. At the time I had no knowledge of withdrawl from anti-depressants and B/P meds and others, I only knew of narcotic withdrawl.

 

People today are just so ready to take whatever is given to them, at least most of the people I know without looking at alternatives like diet and exercise...but that's another issue.

 

I too am battling with 20lbs ...Spark, you can do the ciggs, although it has to be the right time, a time when YOU are ready and not when everyone else is ready for you.

 

Everyone who knew me said I'd never quit because they saw how addicted I was...cigs were my friends. I smoked between 1 and 1/2 to 2 and 1/2 packs a day (VERY expensive)...when I found out about my last exH escapades I smoked 5 packs a day for about 7 days.

 

Spark, I used the patch. ExDM and I quit together, although we damn near killed each other. I would suggest using an aide to quit when you do..it took several years and A LOT of prayer to get to the place of quitting. I liked my smokes.

 

You guys got my thoughts and prayers concerning the things you deal with...none of this is easy, although love will get all of us through!

[LilMissMovinOn]

Some do talk about having suicidal thoughts. Then we shut up again & if we are lucky (I have been so far) wait it out until they pass.

 

My view is that suicidal ideation is an indicator of probable depression. Depression is a serious illness & people need to seek help to deal with it. That's how I roll anyways... (until the homocidal thoughts kick in... kidding...sort of...LOL)

[pureinheart]

Some do talk about having suicidal thoughts. Then we shut up again & if we are lucky (I have been so far) wait it out until they pass.

 

My view is that suicidal ideation is an indicator of probable depression. Depression is a serious illness & people need to seek help to deal with it. That's how I roll anyways... (until the homocidal thoughts kick in... kidding...sort of...LOL)

 

I would venture to say that the majority has had a suicidal thought at least one time in their life. It is a touchy thing, and must be handled correctly. There are some people that are more than willing to push a person right to the edge...I see it everyday.

 

I'm very glad you roll that way because I think depression/hopelessness are the precursors to suicide and actual physical and mental illness.

 

LOL, the bolded...and not to make light of a very serious issue, although me too, sort of:D

[Gentlegirl]

I have had to learn to let go of two major relationships in my life in the last three years.

 

Yes, I agree that powerless is the feeling. Nobody feels happy about being powerless. It is a hopeless feeling. It makes you lose interest in life, yourself and those around you. Black Hole.

 

Somehow, you have to get yourself together and suck it up. I do believe if you don't depression is on the horizon. Suicide is looming also. That's why we should always be kind to each other.

 

Who knows what somebody else in suffering inside? They could be in agony with a smiley face pasted on.

 

GG

[pureinheart]

I have had to learn to let go of two major relationships in my life in the last three years.

 

Yes, I agree that powerless is the feeling. Nobody feels happy about being powerless. It is a hopeless feeling. It makes you lose interest in life, yourself and those around you. Black Hole.

 

Somehow, you have to get yourself together and suck it up. I do believe if you don't depression is on the horizon. Suicide is looming also. That's why we should always be kind to each other.

 

Who knows what somebody else in suffering inside? They could be in agony with a smiley face pasted on.

 

GG

 

I have come to the place that all is well with me, knowing that if I have to let go of whatever type of relationship it is, that God will fill that particular void.

 

It's scary. No matter what the relationship is that one is letting go of...

 

((((hugs)))) I am thinking you have healed from these 2 relationships? I really hope so:)

[Gentlegirl]

No ....I am still working on the healing. Dual grieving can be confusing and a intense.

 

I am getting there though. My back bone is made from steel and there is no doubt that I get better and better each day.

 

LS has been a great support. Take what you can and leave what you don't want.

 

I do not believe that every person in an A is evil or sociopathic. Maybe some are and some just fall from their life's pathway. You get the good , the bad and the ugly here.. just like anywhere else.

 

Best wishes PIH,

GG

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh my goodness, I am very glad to see a thread like this one up.

 

I have done so much growing in the last three years from trying to keep my marriage together. I think I have compassion for just about everyOne I come across, adulterer, BS, and OW/OM alike. I think much of that has come from the intense suffering of not being able to completely end my dysfunctional relationship with my H.

 

You know that feeling of heartbreak you get when a relationship ends? It kind of feels like the world is coming to an end? I have had that probably 1/3-1/2 of the time over the last 3 years. I have no idea what that has done to me spiritually and neurologically. But I will say this: I can tolerate a Hell of a lot more.

 

Plus things going on with my daughter that I can not bring myself to be able to talk about.

 

It has prepared me for so much and I no longer feel suicidal because I know that my own happiness is often a choice despite circumstances. I can still pull myself together for the most part and appreciate the truly small little gifts everyday in life. I have been blessed and am able to relate to so much more now in life. In order to have a window out onto the world, a hole in my soul had to be carved away first.

[skywriter]

(((DOT)))

 

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Or it really pisses us off.....

[skywriter]

Or it really pisses us off.....

 

....and that's ok, especially if you can take the energy, from being pissed

off and make it work in a positive way for you and your daughter!

[dreamingoftigers]

This thread and a couple others have helped me to realize today that I have to let my husband go. I just have to. He needs to figure his stuff out and where and who he wants to be.

 

I am not sure if that means a wife and family (I mean me and little daughter) are in his future or not. I may have moved on by the time he gets a clue.

 

I love him, but this isn't fair to any of us anymore. It's sad, but it's the best choice.

[bentnotbroken]

This thread and a couple others have helped me to realize today that I have to let my husband go. I just have to. He needs to figure his stuff out and where and who he wants to be.

 

I am not sure if that means a wife and family (I mean me and little daughter) are in his future or not. I may have moved on by the time he gets a clue.

 

I love him, but this isn't fair to any of us anymore. It's sad, but it's the best choice.

 

 

Love means that you are doing what is best for you and your child. It will hurt for awhile(maybe a long while)but when you can breath without that elephant sitting on your chest...you will have climbed the mountain. Many blessings.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you, truly.

 

The elephant has been ont chest for three years. The only time it tajes a break is when I am already convinced he is gone and not coming back.

[Heather1]

I get tired, I have 2 mentally ill parents, one REALLY bad & we can't get power of attorney w/out being responsible for his financial wreckage. He gives my #, so I can't answer my home phone anymore. It's been a lifelong nightmare for me. Hopefully he'll be ok soon, we backed him against a wall so he'd be safe & fed & we can see him again.

 

I've had many friends either die or commit suicide, it's awful. It's how I got involved w/ OM & how I haven't been able to grieve people who are still alive in my life. I'm hoping I kind just grieve OM now & not lose anyone else close in the process. I need to move on & yes, finally let go.

 

As for suicidal thoughts, yep. Sometimes I wonder about what my future, my kids financial future, my breaking their hearts over a d or living another day M'd? It does occur to me. I think about my friend from grade school who just died w/ similar family circumstances, M'd w/ 2 boys same age as mine. Basically beat all odds against her except for cancer & I ask her @ night what to do? What would she do if she'd lived??

 

I haven't taken anything, I mostly go on my Forrest gump runs & that is a HUGE help!!! Eat right, maybe too much caffeine?

 

Letting go of OM has been so hard for some reason? Maybe because I isolated myself, have kept it secret. am grieving & kind of, "hey? Where did everyone go?". Where did I go?? Time to start over...

[pureinheart]

Oh my goodness, I am very glad to see a thread like this one up.

 

I have done so much growing in the last three years from trying to keep my marriage together. I think I have compassion for just about everyOne I come across, adulterer, BS, and OW/OM alike. I think much of that has come from the intense suffering of not being able to completely end my dysfunctional relationship with my H.

 

You know that feeling of heartbreak you get when a relationship ends? It kind of feels like the world is coming to an end? I have had that probably 1/3-1/2 of the time over the last 3 years. I have no idea what that has done to me spiritually and neurologically. But I will say this: I can tolerate a Hell of a lot more.

 

Plus things going on with my daughter that I can not bring myself to be able to talk about.

 

It has prepared me for so much and I no longer feel suicidal because I know that my own happiness is often a choice despite circumstances. I can still pull myself together for the most part and appreciate the truly small little gifts everyday in life. I have been blessed and am able to relate to so much more now in life. In order to have a window out onto the world, a hole in my soul had to be carved away first.

 

What a way cool post!!!!!

 

Your post brings to mind when my third exH left me for OW (which I didn't know at the time).

 

I laid on the couch for a couple weeks straight...all freaked out and one day said screw it and got up and started cleaning and fixing things. He had left me with a mess and emotionally I couldn't go to work. It took a few weeks to get things back in order, BUT...through a very weird sitch I ended up getting called back to my old job (where I made really good money), got a really large inheritance and the most drop dead gorgeous guy at work....it didn't take long for me to forget the ex!

 

Hey DOT, I am really sorry about your ended marriage:(. I know you tried so hard...it sound like you are ok? How's the baby?...again I am so sorry ((((((((hugs)))))))) you got my thoughts and prayers if that is ok

[pureinheart]

This thread and a couple others have helped me to realize today that I have to let my husband go. I just have to. He needs to figure his stuff out and where and who he wants to be.

 

I am not sure if that means a wife and family (I mean me and little daughter) are in his future or not. I may have moved on by the time he gets a clue.

 

I love him, but this isn't fair to any of us anymore. It's sad, but it's the best choice.

 

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

[pureinheart]

I get tired, I have 2 mentally ill parents, one REALLY bad & we can't get power of attorney w/out being responsible for his financial wreckage. He gives my #, so I can't answer my home phone anymore. It's been a lifelong nightmare for me. Hopefully he'll be ok soon, we backed him against a wall so he'd be safe & fed & we can see him again.

 

I've had many friends either die or commit suicide, it's awful. It's how I got involved w/ OM & how I haven't been able to grieve people who are still alive in my life. I'm hoping I kind just grieve OM now & not lose anyone else close in the process. I need to move on & yes, finally let go.

 

As for suicidal thoughts, yep. Sometimes I wonder about what my future, my kids financial future, my breaking their hearts over a d or living another day M'd? It does occur to me. I think about my friend from grade school who just died w/ similar family circumstances, M'd w/ 2 boys same age as mine. Basically beat all odds against her except for cancer & I ask her @ night what to do? What would she do if she'd lived??

 

I haven't taken anything, I mostly go on my Forrest gump runs & that is a HUGE help!!! Eat right, maybe too much caffeine?

 

 

OM has been so hard for some reason? Maybe because I isolated myself, have kept it secret. am grieving & kind of, "hey? Where did everyone go?". Where did I go?? Time to start over...

 

Wow Heather, you are going through soooo much and I am sooo sorry. I don't know what to say, just that I understand what it's like to get hit on all sides (seemingly).

 

Bold- I have a similar sitch, just different family members. Let's just say I feel ya. Man that is crazy, isn't there something you can do? Like file for bankruptsy (sp?)...((((((hugs))))))

 

Hey Heather, maybe a councelor could help? Your cool with the suicide thing right? Meaning those are just empty thoughts? Just checking love....

[Heather1]

Oh..I'm fine, just a lot at once is all. Luckily my dad's financial ruin hasn't affected me besides finding him care....because I haven't signed anything. I'm the exact opposite, I'm really good w/ $$ & live well below my means. In a way, my dad taught me a huge lesson about how NOT to be. I'm as tough as nails, just hard sometimes dealing w/ all of it.

 

I go on vacation next week solo, which I'm really excited about!! Long overdue....

[Gentlegirl]

Oh..I'm fine, just a lot at once is all. Luckily my dad's financial ruin hasn't affected me besides finding him care....because I haven't signed anything. I'm the exact opposite, I'm really good w/ $$ & live well below my means. In a way, my dad taught me a huge lesson about how NOT to be. I'm as tough as nails, just hard sometimes dealing w/ all of it.

 

I go on vacation next week solo, which I'm really excited about!! Long overdue....

 

Heather I go alone all the time. It's great not to have to think about anybody else for a while.

 

You certainly deserve it.

 

GG

[carhill]

I remember the MC saying it was time to 'let go' of my unhealthy attachment to MW/OW. I was going 'are you fµcking crazy? That's my life preserver!' Heck, the only reason I ever contacted her in the first place was because it was either that or 'checking out'. I wanted to live so I contacted her.

 

So, I had a whole bunch of shyte to 'let go' of during the MC process, essentially 'letting go' of all the women I loved in one year, one voluntarily, one to divorce and one to death. Thank god for good MC.

 

Enjoy your vacation Heather.... I've walked some of your path, just with only one demented parent, now deceased. Taking care of yourself fends off the grim reaper and/or going crazy. Make it job #1. Good luck.

[pureinheart]

Oh..I'm fine, just a lot at once is all. Luckily my dad's financial ruin hasn't affected me besides finding him care....because I haven't signed anything. I'm the exact opposite, I'm really good w/ $$ & live well below my means. In a way, my dad taught me a huge lesson about how NOT to be. I'm as tough as nails, just hard sometimes dealing w/ all of it.

 

I go on vacation next week solo, which I'm really excited about!! Long overdue....

 

Heather I go alone all the time. It's great not to have to think about anybody else for a while.

 

You certainly deserve it.

 

GG

 

Really......that is cool, and wish I could bring myself to doing that. If you both read this, would you share your past experiences concerning vacationing completely alone. I am unable to picture myself dining alone and touring alone...not sure what I would do with myself. I tend to isolate (lol, with my daughter, her hubby and three grandchildren and four dogs and 5 birds, with family sometimes in and out all day!) at times, but for the mostpart have always been a people person and like to have a lot of people that I know around me...thinking I'd be lost to vacation alone!

 

You two rock!!!!!!

[pureinheart]

I remember the MC saying it was time to 'let go' of my unhealthy attachment to MW/OW. I was going 'are you fµcking crazy? That's my life preserver!' Heck, the only reason I ever contacted her in the first place was because it was either that or 'checking out'. I wanted to live so I contacted her.

 

So, I had a whole bunch of shyte to 'let go' of during the MC process, essentially 'letting go' of all the women I loved in one year, one voluntarily, one to divorce and one to death. Thank god for good MC.

 

Enjoy your vacation Heather.... I've walked some of your path, just with only one demented parent, now deceased. Taking care of yourself fends off the grim reaper and/or going crazy. Make it job #1. Good luck.

 

That's a lot CH...(((((((big hugs to you)))))))

 

Interesting, I was going to pm you (but forgot) to ask if you had any info on Heathers sitch concerning the finances of her dad. I know you have a lot of knowledge in many areas (I have witnessed this in many of your postings). Isn't there something that can be done? Can his financial issues hurt her later on? Can she do something to free him from his current situation in order to get him care?

 

 

I know Heather, I too live way below my means...there were so many hard times that I am reluctant to spend money frivolously.