Apollo432 Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I dont think she wants me back. I hope she is thinking about it but, I dont think that that was her intention yesterday. I honestly have no idea what she is thinking and can only hope it is about me. Everyone that I have talked to says about 2 mos is when they realize that they miss you. I guess that is b/c the bars, drinking and partying get old after awhile. It could take a long time for those feelings to come into view espically if your girl was as confused as mine is. I dont think she knows what she wants.
Author Blah Toolz Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 Originally posted by jw32802 do you think that is what takes them a month or 2 months to realize it,? because all along they think you will call and then as the weeks go by and you DONT, they think you're moving on and they are thinking you're gone for good/? maybe thats why they seem to realize it after a few mths Well in my case... it's been four months since we've broken up. She did try to call me... wanted me to go to her little brother's baseball game with her -- wanted me to go to her house one night at about 12am. This was about two weeks into the no contact. I don't know what her motives were though. She probably wanted to see if she still had me on the string, because the first time she called me over that late, we ended up in her room. I told her that I had to get going, but she begged me to stay, like we were still together. She started changing right in front of me, and I did my best to ignore it... watching TV. She tried like a freaking woman possessed to flirt with me, everything, started to kiss me on the cheek with open mouth about four times. Then on the neck. I moved in for a kiss on the mouth, but she turned her head away. Said that friends just kiss on the cheek. So that's why I didn't want to hang out with her again after that. I thought she was just going to **** with me again. So it's been almost two months of no contact for me, and I don't know if she is showing any signs of regret. She is a stubborn girl, and she probably thinks that this break-up was the best thing for her. Maybe she was right. The past few nights I've been pretty depressed... I think about her a lot. I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly let her go... but I think I've already tried my best to show her that I still love her. No sense in going after her now if it's going to be like same-sided magnets.
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 i wonder what it is about 2 months. DO you think that even if they have a rebound person, the 2 mths will be when the rebound wears off too and they know what they lost?
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Blah Toolz Oh it must be so hard for you, and you say you seem to be thinkinga bout her more lately. Im really sorry mornings seem to be the worst for me
Draco Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Awesome forum guys! I've been reading but now I can't wait to join up on the discussion. What amazes me is that the women in our lives can throw such curveballs that drive us nuts but when you compare all of them, the patterns are so clear and similar... I, too, am a victim of a very confused girl. (They are either genuinely confused and needy, or they are evil and want to string you along until your soul is sucked dry...I give my girl the benefit of the doubt) Here is my story...guaranteed to entertain, it's like a soap opera. I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago. We had a 2 year relationship. For the later part of it, we had to do a long distance relationship, and that is when things got shaky. Our insecurities showed and jealousy ran rampant...ended up fighting on the phone most of the time. About a month ago I moved to NYC for a research project, I was under the mentality that I'm starting over. I was ready to meet more people and stride out there with my A-game in the city...which I did. So I met girls the first week I was here, got their number, and started dating. The 2nd week I was here, my life turned into live soap opera. My ex got accepted into grad school here and is coming as well. As she was getting in, she called me, asked how I was doing and wanted to meet up. So we met that first night she arrived in the city. We had a great time, strolling in central park at night and checking out a couple of the lively shopping district. At the end of the night she lays the bombshell that she is seeing some other guy she met back home and now they have a long distance thing going, he is planning on coming every weekend. My first reaction was, what!? so soon? then I realize this is what happens most of the time, when a girl is finally ready to break up, she usually does it quick and with a vengeance...all her backup boys are already all lined up. So that was all expected. What I did not expect was her saying that she had actually wanted to meet me to slay her "old demons," to sort of confirm that I am not right for her so she can move on with her merry life with the new guy. But as she was seeing me on this very evening, instead of getting the closure that she wanted, she said she actually started to feel the old feelings for me back. (Mind you I really dressed hot for this night and maintained Cary Grant composure the whole time as my ex was telling me about how wonderful her new boyfriend was, so that probably did the trick) At the same night, she for some damned reason starts to tell me how her boyfriend is completely insecure about her still remaining friends with me and all this is driving him nuts. Although this was music to my ears, I realized that I simultaneously made my own life harder by not moving on and getting sucked right back into her craziness. The next day she called again and wanted to hang out again. I told her that I was uncomfortable doing that b/c of my respect for her new relationship. I told her I wouldn't like it if my new girlfriend kept seeing her ex. She ended up getting really upset and cried as she called me again saying that she really missed our friendship and had apparently convinced her boyfriend that it's okay to see me. So we would go out and meet some of her new classmates on this day, things went fine and I didn't ask many question. At the end of this day I decided I invited her to dinner. And on the third day I took her to dinner at a nice place with live jazz. Turns out when she went back home and called her boyfriend and told her we went out, he totally flipped out. The boy started to cry and throwing tantrum and eventually made demands and gave her an ultimatum-- either me or him. And since they just started this relationship, she decided she needed to give it a try and choose him. (which required her to have absolutely no contact with me) Two nights after this decision of theirs (on a Saturday night), the boy actually calls me at 4am in the morning and cursed and made threats at me! To quote, "She is my girl now, she is in my arms right now, I get to go home with her...you don't f%%king matter anymore, she is completely devoted to me so get the f%% lost and stop contacting her." To this nonsense I replied (with the mental capability of someone who's woken up at 4am), "you're such a loser! Guess what, I'm never gonna stop trying to stay friends with her and I haven't been the only one making the phone calls either." He got really pissed, swore at me some more, told me my ex's not gonna respond to me anymore and hung up. A day after this fine night, she calls me again. She wants to find ways to see me w/o letting this fool know. Isn't this some dramatic sh%t or what? Now I know my ex is all trouble, b/c any woman who can claim she loves two men usually are. But there seem to be some wicked satisfaction inside me to see how I can drive this new dude nuts. (I know, shame on me) Plus, deep down, I still have feelings for her. Right now we've cut down on meeting each other (still behind his back), I'm focusing on lab work and dating these two other girls. But I have a feeling that there's one roller-coaster of a summer yet to come. one specific question: 1. Do you guys think this is all whack and I should start implementing the "no contact" policy with her asap? Or do you think she is genuinely having second thoughts and it's time for me to hook her back in and away from this insecure dude's arms? If so, what level of contact will be appropriate? any comments will be appreciated!
jw32802 Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 No, this exact same thing happened to me too. First of all, who broke it off ? Did you?? This same thing happened w/ me, i dated so then my ex started dating. Then he told me he wanted me back but i was too hurt that he was already w/ someone new and SLEEPING w/ her already , so i did what you did, i said "I wont be w/ you while you're with her, and im hurt that you jumped too fast w/ her" so i changed my phone number and its been 2 weeks. I think you should do nc, because then she will see what life is like w/ out you. THis other guy is just like MY ex's new girl. She was like "Im coming there to smash in his tv and spray paint "cheater" all over his walls!" I was hoping she would so that he would see what a freak she was. Here is my take on it. I am just going to let him play it out w/ her because deep inside i know im better than her. If it takes him dating her to realize that, then so be it. think about it, if you stop contacting her, she will constantly be comparing him to you. She will constantly be thinking abotu you and wondering if you are dating. I promise you she will be crawling back to you but STOP ALL CONTACT. We can email each other if you'd like to help each other out! [email protected]
Author Blah Toolz Posted July 21, 2004 Author Posted July 21, 2004 No-contact is tough... but if I can do it, then you guys can too. It takes pretty much every ounce of my strength sometimes not to call her. Today was a close call, I was on the way to the gym, and her work is about 5 minutes away. I almost drove to her work, and felt like I had to go in and see her so badly. But I changed my mind at the last second. I've been thinking about her a lot the past few nights... but I just tell myself I'm only having bad days. I've already gone this far with no-contact, so why stop now? If she really wanted to be with me, or was thinking about me, she would call me, right?
mr_miner Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 "I've already gone this far with no-contact, so why stop now? If she really wanted to be with me, or was thinking about me, she would call me, right?" I hate to plant this seed, but: you assume that because she hasn't called you she doesnt think about you or miss you or want to be with you. But...you haven't called her, yet you still think about her, miss her, and want her back.
spacjaam Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Mr miner has a very reasonable point there, I've sort of held onto the idea that you can't assume the lack of contact on her end means anything but that you don't know how she feels. Might never really know even in the future how she feels right at this point in her life. The slight difference between the dumper and dumpee in this regard however is that all the questions surrounding contact exist because of a decision made by the dumper. In your mind (Blah Toolz) this fact that she has teased with your heart after the breakup and IMHO proven to be a ****ty person to you helps to give birth to those feelings that she doesn't call because she is simply done with you. I don't know, I guess still caring about the other person forces us to have to live in wonderment (maybe for the rest of our lives), but I believe he who was dumped def has an easier time hanging on calls. She might be done, she might hurt over and miss you but be reluctant to shake her pride (which usually is the prime suspect for making these things last), we can never assume either of these as an almost positive truth though. The only thing I can understand about it all is that when you're talking about love, or a real loving relationship (if she loves you and doesn't know it, it sounds unfortunately like it might take her a few years to mature enough to realize this), you'll hear from her again and the contact will mean something to both of you. It's one of the hardest things in life to push off thoughts of inferiority or worthlessness (or burning jelousy) from knowing your ex might be living happily and productively with someone else, but letting pain and past regrets consume us is stupid, and there's really no two ways around this. I don't think I really believe in fate between people or for us individually, I do think however that if the person we suffer over now will ever better our lives in the future and consentually love us how we love them, they will come back and until then we have to realize that no matter what nobody ever forgets these things. You have affected years of her life and her you, that won't change. I apologize for this holier than thou rant, I just read it back to myself, but I stick by my last post, don't talk to her unless you are ready for what she might do to you. I have to do this too, but always remember not to be consumed by the idea of NC as something you're building up and have to protect, it's the right thing to do at this point but making it a wall around your heart only allows it to be destroyed. It's silly, but how the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rings the truest of all for BOTH parties, in all of our situations. Sometimes that's all it is, we'll only later find out if it's more.
Draco Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Hey guys, Here's my deal. Some days are very very hard and some days are not so bad. I agree with spacjaam, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." In fact, another quote I came cross rings true as well, "absence is to love like wind is to fire, it extinquishes the small but rekindles the great." HOWEVER, I believe a lot of all this depend on the circumstances of the breakup and the people involved. In situations of bitter breakups or extremely prideful persons, even if the fondness came back, getting back together is still very difficult. For example, in my case, I know for sure that as time went on, both me and my ex start to think about the happier times we had rather than the bad. Just the other day she left me a message on my voicemail saying how she has been looking at pictures of us when we went on our trip, etc. And I have been doing the same (although I don't recommend it, it is hard not to...) But enough time needs to pass. If not, inevitably, when the two people meet again and interact, they will remember the bad again...and that is why both time and no contact is important if getting back together is ever in your heads. It is also so difficult because pride often gets in the way, and this notion that many of us, guys and girls alike, have that it is regressive to go back to an ex. I personally think this notion is unhealthy in that you can pass on something that is wonderful just because of a stupid rule. But nevertheless lots of people believe if it didn't work once, there must be a good reason. I am an optimist that believe people change for the better...but only when they realize they are changing to become a better person and not become a better bf/gf for the ex. In fact, there are some changes my ex mentioned to me that I actually think could make me less than who I am...or at least not who I am. Another thing I often ponder about is why my ex and I do this pursuer/distancer dance. When ever I show interest left in her, she plays it cool and give me the cold shoulder, and whenever I don't call or give her the cold shoulder, she can't stop calling me. I am frankly getting pretty tired of all this. I'm pretty sure her new boyfriend is too, but sh%tty thing is he actually is kept in the dark about all this. Ahhh....the drama continues.
Author Blah Toolz Posted July 21, 2004 Author Posted July 21, 2004 Your posts are all very interesting ways to look at the whole situation... thank you. I suppose if she didn't miss me at all, or think about me at all... she would be some sort of unfeeling machine. I know she probably does miss me. Otherwise we wouldn't have been together for the 2 years. I suppose it's just the drastic change that makes me feel as if she doesn't care. She would call me every day, probably 4-5 times a day or more if we weren't together. And now nothing at all. It's hard to ignore a change like that. As for your post Draco, you said that "enough time needs to pass." I know there is no prerequisite for amount of days or months... but in your case, how much time passed? What do you consider to be a good amount of time? I know she has been dating a new guy, although I don't know how serious it is. That's the part that hurts a lot, but I think you are also right, spacjaam, I can't dwell on the past too much. Thanks for the posts... they make me realize that although she did **** around with me during our break-up -- she still does harbor feelings. And I'm not instituting the no-contact rule just as some part of a game or just for the sake of following a set of rules -- I'm doing it because of the pain that I experienced by trying to talk with her after the break-up, and because I don't want to do anything stupid. I don't want to end up going to jail because I bashed some dude's cranium in.
james_1989 Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 hey guys, havent posted for awhile. im doing quite a bit better. me and my boys have been playin basketball and hittin the gym almost everyday. it feels pretty good to finally be past the sad stage. im not through with all this yet though. im pretty pissed because her new bf told a friend of mine how my ex complains to him of how terrible of a bf i was. thats really hurts because i tried so hard to be want she wanted me to be. to be there for her and everything and her just say i was horrible at being a bf. school starts back up in little over a month and im pretty excited because shes gonna see how much ive grown and changed. for everyone out there that is contacting there exs and dont want to tell them the truth on how much they hurt them since the breakup dont do that. every now and then bring up fond memories and ask her this question: since weve been apart are you happy, i mean has it been everything you wanted it to be? that seems to be the best thing i will say when we talk. because either she will anwser with a no and then think to herself that maybe you guys were meant to be and she wants you back. hey blah toolz how long have you been broken up with your chick?
nikkicam71 Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 Left this post on another thread...couldn't find you guys for a minute. Just having a ****ty day. Feelin' sorry for myself today, I am, I am... :::All ex's are evil. I believe my ex is the devil. Beelzebub, all dressed up in a swarthy physique and a stunning countenance. They say the devil is the embodiment of all of our secret, most forbidden desires...everything we want, but can't have unless we betray ourselves and sell our souls....MY EX!!! Why not yours too?? I'm working on a manuscript titled, "Death of the Stinky Fishman". 101 ways and methods to kill your ex (hehehe). Fun putting on paper what you've longed to do each time you're angry or hurting. I predict it will be a HUGE bestseller...you all will buy a copy won't you? Help put me on the Times Best Seller list?? So, I went to the DMB concert last night w/ my friend, Bonnie. LOVE DMB. The day that I bought the tix, my ex's sis said, "Isn't D going to that concert?" NOOOOOO!! He has no friends that like DMB...he knows I LOVE DMB...he took me to a concert for our second date, burned me a CD, etc. So I go like, "...so what? I don't care!" Bullsh*t! So later his sister tells me that D is taking another girl, a friend of his older sister's....oh, but they're "just friends".....YEAH! So not only was I PLAGUED by memories of our second date last night, memories of all of the things we did and how much the music reminded me of "us", I was hella paranoid...kept thinking that fate was going to kick me in the teeth and out of the HUNDREDS of people sitting on the lawn at the concert, I would run into him, WITH HER....and I would melt into a puddle of humiliation right there on the proverbial hill. I did NOT run into him and her. Thanks be to God! But "knowing" he was there, with another girl, probably kanoodling...to OUR sexy music, when the last time he was at a DMB concert it was with me....was killing me. He was there, I was there...we weren't there together. Because he doesn't want to be with me ouchouchouchouch. I cried myself to sleep last night. Damn, I'd been doing so well. Today is day 21, No Contact. I told him not to call unless he missed me and wanted to see me. We will never speak again. keep your collective chin up for me today, kids. I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this damn water in my eyes. I want to call him so freakin' bad. ~Nikki
Author Blah Toolz Posted July 22, 2004 Author Posted July 22, 2004 Originally posted by james_1989 im pretty pissed because her new bf told a friend of mine how my ex complains to him of how terrible of a bf i was. thats really hurts because i tried so hard to be want she wanted me to be. I know how you feel there... I'm not positive that mine is saying all this, but she thinks that I neglected her and I'm sure she's been venting to someone about it. I tried so hard as well... I just can't spend 24-7 with someone. If we had one day apart, she acted like it was the end of the world and would put massive guilt trips on me. But look at it this way, if you were starting to date a new girl, and she was complaining about how bad her old boyfriend was, what would you think? You would think "Jebus, shaddup already about that guy. What are you not over him or something?" If a girl is respectful to a new guy that she's met, she wouldn't bring up an old boyfriend at all. Originally posted by james_1989 hey blah toolz how long have you been broken up with your chick? About 4.5 months now. The pain is still there... and sometimes it seems like when I've taken a few steps forward, I've taken a few steps back the next day. I've been thinking about buying a card, and just writing "Hey, what's up, etc" inside of it, and dropping it off at her house. I love her more than anything still.... I wish I could have a second chance. Does anyone think the card is a bad idea?
Draco Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 Sup guys, First to answer a few questions. My breakup occured 2 months ago. It was sort of initiated by me but finalized by her. By that I mean I said to her "things are not working out, we should take a break." Two weeks later she finalized it by saying we should just break up. And then this damn colleague of hers sneaks in 2 weeks after that and asks her out. Apparently he had a crush on her since they first met a year ago. I think the poor dude jumped the gun and got into a nasty rebound relationship...he has no idea what he got himself into. As for how much time is enough. Wow, that is a million dollar question. I say it depends on the type of person and the type of breakup. Harsh breakups will take longer for people to be able to see the good times again. I think all of us are inately positive people, and since we all want to be happy, we naturally take the bad times as a learning experience and treasure the good ones. I think our ex-gf's will eventually do the same. On the other hand, the prognosis of getting back together with an ex depends on a whole different range of things. Sorry to lay down a harsh one here, but the outlook is not good. Take it as a motivation to go out and meet new people. For me, I remember there was a time not even the hotest chicks will interest me b/c I was so caught up thinking about my ex every single second. But time, hobby, and work dilutes all that and you find that the human brain can only take so much of sadistic self-abuse. Now I find myself checking girls out again, so I take it as a good sign. Not only that, dating others have become an actual enjoyment now- rather than the forced chore that it was about a month ago. So since I have been finding myself genuinely interested in other women, the no contact thing became much easier. It has been over a week of complete no contact on my part already. By the 3rd day in, my ex started calling. 7 voicemails and 2 text messages later, I still haven't returned her call. Now to the point where I actually feel I am really rude. But I really don't know why I should go for another round of self-abuse. I feel that I not want to talk to her unless I get a definitive and genuine "let's try again" sentiments. Any else will just be more self-torture. But the trouble here is that her pride will get into her way so she won't actually say that on the message. This is where I would really like to get your opinions. The last message I got from her was- "I've been looking at photos from out trips together again, thanks for taking all those pictures" Do you think this is a clear enough que that she is thinking about trying again? And...one more curious question- Does anyone even know anybody who actually got back together with their ex? Does this phenomenon even exist? Lastly, my advice to previous postings- 1. Get out there and force yourself to meet new people. Just like the way you force yourself to run when you get fat, you need to get of the damn sofa and meet. Like working out, at first it is gonna be a sh%tty experience, but once you get the momentum, things get better. 2.No ultimatums- I think "only call me back when you miss me or want to see me" sets a huge blockade because it goes against your ex's pride and male-ego. What if they want to call you (b/c they miss you) but don't want to admit it? Do we really need to have that attitude of I will only take him back if he loses all his pride? 3.If you ever get one phone call back- this is your only chance to performe a miracle. It's like bringing someone back from CPR when they are clinically dead. What you need to do is truly sound like you are enjoying your life w/o them. Don't tell them you are missing them at all but at the same time show interest in them- so your actions do the talking. Have fun, crack jokes, keep things light. If they have a pleasant conversation with you and get this feeling that you don't miss them, they usually start to miss you again. The miracle sparks from there. Good luck.
james_1989 Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 hey blah toolz, ive been broken up with my girlfriend for just around 5 months also. school starts up and when i see her for the first time in 3 months i know her curiousosity is gonna be sparked but i dont even know if i wanna get back with her. since i was such a 'terrible' boyfriend i guess i couldnt give her any better. it really pisses me off to how she seems to be so in love with her new bf. the thing with her is she has major family problems and is stressed by her parents constantly on her back about school and volleyball that she needs someone there to vent and love her and i guess since this guy showed some interest she jumped right in it. as for you i mean there is no time limit the door will always be open for a new relationship you just gotta find out to talk to her without it being iniated by you. are you gonna see her for sure within the next month? keep your head up dude you seem to be doing fine, within the next couple weeks you will be feeling more and more better, just look forward to that.
nikkicam71 Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Originally posted by Draco 2.No ultimatums- I think "only call me back when you miss me or want to see me" sets a huge blockade because it goes against your ex's pride and male-ego. What if they want to call you (b/c they miss you) but don't want to admit it? Do we really need to have that attitude of I will only take him back if he loses all his pride? That's not quite how it went...sorta out of context. I actually tried being friends w/ him for five weeks....he called ALL the time. I couldn't take it anymore, it really hurt too much, so I simply told him that friendship wasn't a reasonable option for me right now...BUT, if something changed for him, if he missed me and wanted to see me, or wanted to spend time together and see where things might go, by all means, give me a call. that's how it went...and I had to stop him calling me all the time. I couldn't get past how much I love him and each time he called I'd sink back into depression and cry non-stop for two days. He completely understood and was cool about it. ~Nikki
ScarredSoul Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Draco I actually have a friend whos girl broke it off, and then about 1 1/2 years later they got back togethor, now they are enguaged and getting ready to marry. If you want more detail let me know. Blah Toolz I can't help but read your story and sympathize with you. I really believe that when you've found "the one" you know, and as much as many people belive that there are so many other people out there, everyone is totally unique. I really feel your pain, my story in case your interested is under break ups, "Young and In Love etc...) It's unbelievable how much something like this hurts, and how hard it is to deal with. I wish I had some awesome words of inspiration for you, but unfortunatly all I've got is, your not alon,...and you gotta have faith. Take care.
Draco Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Hey Nikkicam, May I ask you who broke it off? I'm going through very similar stuff. Ever since implementing no contact, my ex keeps calling. 1-2 messages a day initially generates hopes of getting back together for me. But I keep having friends telling me that some people just need to keep control over their ex's or worse, that some people just needs emotional output from their ex's until they fall in love again..with someone else. Right now it's been 10 unanswered messges, and I almost feel like I'm being rude. But like you, it is really hard for me to answer. If I answer and she starts saying things like I just miss your friendship, it's gonna hurt, and I'm not ready for another round of self-toture. What do you guys think would be a reasonable hint from the girl that she really wants to consider a second chance but not just want to string you along...?
nikkicam71 Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Draco, He broke up with me. It wasn't a bad ending or anything...we never argued. It was wierd..but yeah, he dumped me and then stayed away for two weeks before calling/emailing. Then he called every week. It does hurt too much...in my situation I did manage to leave the door open. Actually, we both did, kinda. I told him if he ever missed me and wanted to see me to call, and he asked me to please call if I felt like maybe I could be okay w/ friendship. So there was no door slamming....just time and space to heal. At least for me. I needed it. ~Nikki
Author Blah Toolz Posted July 23, 2004 Author Posted July 23, 2004 LOL, I have a pretty decent story to tell you all about. It's not a good story... but just something that has definitely opened my eyes up to the type of person my ex is. I'll type it out when I have some more time, probably after the weekend is over. Let me just say... reconciliation is something that has exited my mind. The brain and heart can only take so much from somebody.
james_1989 Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 hey guys, i have no idea what to do. i mean i want to get back with my ex so bad but then memories of our last days together flood into my head and i realized how mean and cold she was. she said whenever i was around her she went numb. i tried to talk to her after our breakup and she yelled get the f**k away from me in the halls in front of everyone. i dont understand how she could be like that after all the good times we had together. i hear bout how i was a ****ty boyfriend and all but i still yearn to be with her. i want to work things out but can i really trust her anymore. i dont know what to do im so confused. james
mr_miner Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Well, some absolute craziness occurred two nights ago. This post just goes to show that you never, ever know what to expect... Some background: My ex and I broke up over two months ago. Two weeks after it ended, we both decided that no contact was the best way to move on from things. Right after we made that decision, things we're initially pretty rough for me. I missed her a lot. I wanted to call her up. I bugged out because she wasn't calling me. But I just sucked it up and tried to stay strong and things eventually got much easier. I reached the point where I didn't want to call her, didn't miss her, and didn't mind at all that she wasn't calling me. I was on the right track with things. But then out of nowhere she called me up, shattering the perfect little world I was beginning to build. That was two weeks after we opted for no contact. Since then, she's called me on average about once a week. And everytime she does it produces the same awful cycle: initial happiness/elation, feeling bad, feeling really bad, then eventually feeling better again. And just as I'm feeling better, that I'm back on track, I get hit with another call. (I've never called her up first, I only respond to her calls.) The weird thing is that even though I know that her calling me is the worst thing for me, it's the thing I want the most. Before she contacted me two nights ago, we hadn't spoken for over two weeks. I just had finished going through the above described awful cycle and was getting back on even ground again, ready to keep moving forward and rid myself of her. But then she calls. We went to the movies. Later on, as we're leaving the theatre, I'm getting ready to hale her a cab home. She just grabs me and starts hugging me really tightly. And soon enough she's kissing me. It felt so good to be in contact with her body again. Without even thinking about it, I just kissed her back and ended up asking her if she wanted to go back to my place to hang out for a bit. We went back, talked for while--not about the relationship--and ended up sleeping together. I hate to admit it, but I got that same ole feeling when we were hooking up. That spark was still there, that emotion was still there. It felt so right on. The next morning, we woke up and talked for a bit--again, not about what had happened or the relationship. She wanted me to hang out with her for a little bit during the afternoon, but I had something else going on and couldn't go. So now I feel pretty confused about everything. We broke up mutually because the relationship just didn't work. We had a solid friendship underneath the relationship and great chemistry in bed, but we'd always end up arguing a lot. So I'm not really sure I even want to get back with her. But what makes the decision more complicated is the fact that I don't even know what she wanted out of this: Did she just want to have sex and nothing more? Or is there some sort of interest on her part, however vague, in getting back with me? This was the first time we've had physical contact like this since we broke up. Doesn't it seem strange that after all that time, we end up getting together?
faux Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 I attempted to read your responses from the beginning of this thread, Blah Toolz, but after the first three or four pages, I had to skip to the end. I believe that I have gathered enough to get a decent understanding of what your situation may be. I have to admit that, if I am not too far off the mark, I've been in similar predicaments before. From your initial post, I noticed that you were getting more involved with exercise and friends, and just keeping your time occupied. You started out very well, and you were able to maintain that no contact. When your ex contacted you, however, the mistake you made was in actually accepting that invitation, and talking to her. This brought about old feelings, more confusion, and just general mayhem for yourself. The only thing that I can really advise is that you again discontinue contact with this woman. The more that you communicate with her, the more it seems to hurt you. I notice that you seem to be constantly thinking about what she says, or what she may do, which is unhealthy for you. Breaking off communication with her at this point may be difficult, but I believe it may pay off in the end. Just be certain that if she contacts you again, you don't respond. You have the option to talk to anyone that you wish. I, however, would not choose to speak with someone who would cause me such emotional stress. It may take months to fully get over this. There was a time when I had to take seven months to get over something, because I was not wise enough at the time to know that I should not attempt to talk to my ex. I ended up initiating a lot of contact, but then slowly stopped. When I did cease talking to her, she popped up again, and I responded. Talking to my ex only caused me more pain, and hindered my being able to move on. The situation actually blew up and ended up in court, because I was blamed for actions that another person she had been with did. Had I not spoken to her at all, she may not have accused me. Had I not spoken to her, I would have perhaps healed faster, and gotten quite a bit more done with my life. I make it a point not to talk to recent exes until a few months have passed. I find that there has to be a rather large time period, during which both parties can move on and heal from the past, before the two can attempt to be friends or hold a pleasant conversation. It is too hard to live life for yourself when you bring up the past with an ex. Taking her out of your life is going to be quite difficult, but it will be child's play compared to you talking to her one moment more. I don't think that you need to, or should, say goodbye to her, or provide her with an explanation. There is no longer a relationship and you no longer have any obligations to her. Just let her stay in the past where, I think, she belongs. You were very successful with your initial period of no contact. She was the one who contacted you, and you decided to respond. This time around, I'm certain that you can handle not talking to her again. After all, you went a month without talking to her in any way. I also think that, if she were to reach out to you again somehow, you will be strong enough to ignore her. I wouldn't read one word that she writes to you, answer one phone call, or stop to chat if you ran into her. If the telephone rings, and you pick up to find her at the other end, it would be best, I think, to say you need to go and to hang up. Good luck. I understand that other people's input on these situations may be beneficial. However, I also understand that you may have to make a few mistakes, despite our advise, so that you can learn on your own. Whatever happens, be sure that you use this experience to better yourself, and retain any knowledge for such predicaments in your future. I apologize for taking a day or so to respond to your request for my input. Unfortunately, I ran into some things I had to deal with in my life. I did, however, promise a response. I hope that what I have said is at least somewhat helpful to you.
Recommended Posts