Ex-Girlfriend has begun calling again

[sid3]

So Blah Toolz, she does miss you. She just doesn't want to show it to you because she knows this is what it takes to stop hurting as soon as possible.

 

are you suggesting that it is her hurting she wishes to stop, or his? Your right about the reason most people feel rejected when dumped, it is true, it's so often about the person who is doing the dumping. That is my situation, I'd say 80% her issues, the other 20% issues she had with me.

 

BT, I think not mentioning the other dude (competion) is the best thing, like DG said not mentioning the past at this time would probably be wise as well. Last book I was reading was saying to make eevery meeting a pleasant as possible, that way your starting to leave her each time with good , fun memories, you already have the (time in with her) that the other dude can't compete with.

[dreamguy]

"are you suggesting that it is her hurting she wishes to stop, or his?"

Most likely hers.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah... the fact that she actually still might care is the furthest thing from my mind -- just because of the way she acted.

 

And if she still loved me, or is just confused about everything -- then why another guy in her life? I remember her trying to contact me again late at night to hang out with her... but I rejected her offers, because I didn't know if she was genuine, or still just playing games.

 

Now that she's dating a new guy, I just think like it's too late.

[estakado]

What up BT:

 

Yeah I mean her actions are key in this situation here, how hard is it for her to get a hold of you anyway? So yeah it still goes back to the decision of wanting her back or keep going. Personally, I think you should just keep going and move on. Its already gonna be like July soon and you've already been on the road to recovery. If you try to get with her now and she says no then you might have to start back at 1 again. Which will suck but at least you will be more clear on what you have to do.

 

This worked in my situation because I needed answers and I needed to know if this was really worth my time to still hold out for my girl. I still miss her and love her but I no longer feel guilty or feel that I am responsible for her now. So yeah you gotta decide something and just stick with it.

 

On her end, she needs to face up to what she really wants to do. I cant believe that she is still with that dude, she seems just drunk with honeymoon phase and she doesnt realise what she is missing out from you. Yeah she cries about you but is she doing the right thing and at least try to get a hold of you? I think you know the answer.

 

Getting her back would take some work especially since you gotta watch your attitude and emotions when dealing with her. So you gotta put some thought into that mission too.

 

I am looking at my calendar and starting to fill out dates of days that I wanna do stuff....kinda weird but keeping busy does help. The great thing about moving on now is that once you do find that new girl in your life, you can put all the energy and effort that you woulda used in your ex to this new girl that would totally appreciate it.

 

Make them miss us! Yeah worst summer ever! [jokes!]

 

Get back at us.

[james_1989]

hey blah toolz or whatever i dont know if youll read this or not but i think im goin through the exact same thing with variations, ill explain my situation and if you wanna talk bout it then i guess say somethin i dunno, i am new to this site.

 

okay me and my first love had been together for a year and half and i lost my virginity to her and she lost hers to me. we were so strong together and it was beutiful. we hung out all the time and i loved just laying in the bed with the music turned down soft next to her without a care in the world. she always told me how much she loved me and gave me some really memorable gifts and she planned out our honeymoon and house/kids playfully a lot. whenever we hooked up in bed sparks would fly and there is no one else i ever want to experience this with. we were so in love. well about 3 or 4 months ago(ive been so depressed, ive lost track of time) i broke up with her on the phone while i was at a friends house. i heard she was cheating on me and i blew up and dumped her and didnt tell her why. that crushed her and i was fine later that day and was chillin with my boys but then night came and we usually talk or hang out then and thats when i realized she was gone. i called her up and we talked and argued for a like 2 hours. we both cried and towards the end of the convo things seemed to be on track but the phone started to die. i said i would let it charge for a bit and call her back but i fell asleep. well i told her how much i loved and missed her, you know the story but she didnt want to get back together so soon. she kept tellin me that during the summer we could give it a shot. this carried on for a month or so, i always called her crying and begging for her back. we hung out one time and i kissed her on the cheek and she sort of pulled away and i knew this wasnt the same girl. well she started to hang out with other guys and never wanted to hang out with me and whatever and i was so upset that she could throw away what we had and not want to give us the time to repair it but instead go hang out with some random dude. well this sort of behavior out of her went on for a week or so then she told me some guy was gonna take her to prom. i said i reall felt uncomfortable lettin her go but what can i do im not her bf anymore. well time went by and i saw myself fading out of the pic so i called her up to see what was goin on and she told me how wonderful of a time she at prom and she likes this guy and what not. well i started begging again and tellin her how much i loved her and it wasnt working, i didnt understand how she could throw us all away... i went to drastic measures to get her back i told her i was sick with cancer or somethin and hoped that she come back to me. she started crying and told her parents and they called my parents and they found out i lied and a big whole mess started. she went out with prom boy just 1 month after we broke up and bad rumors started goin around and she had nothing to do with me. that was about 1 and half months ago. i havent heard a word from her since. her new boyfriend is a joke but she seems to be happy. we had such a strong relationship now shes been totally cut out of my life and we dont talk. i lost a lover and my best friend. i have lost the urge to call her but im so lost without her and it kills me to think of her and her new bf. i dont think there itimate yet but they have messed around and its not a pretty picture to think of your old girl with some dude. im starting to tell myself that she will break it off with this guy and realize she misses me and come back but i dunno anymore. i feel though that if this guy could tear what we had apart then maybe we just werent meant to be. im not sure of anything right now. i love her so much and i dont know how she could get over me. well dude its been long but i needed to vent, i hope you write back, i need to talk to someone about this and i read your stuff and you seemed like the right guy

[estakado]

Hey james_1989:

 

Check out the begining of this thread and start NO CONTACT with your ex right now. Dont call her at all. Use the No Contact time to heal and get your feelings straight. Instead of calling her or doing crazy thoughts or stunts just post here.

 

From there we can think of what options are that you have left. Right now though you dont want to contact her because all you will do is make her sick.

[james_1989]

hey,

im on the no contact plan right now. we havent talked for a month a half but i still hear about her and her new bf. this guy has cheated on her and talks nasty bout her behind her back. i know im the last person she wants to her this from but i want her to find out so she can decide if she wants to be with him. i just dont understand. she looks unhappy when they are together and i catch her looking my way and im trying to hard to be happy and loud and hang with my friends and everything. on the other hand i hear bout how her and her bf are hanging out all the time and they go everywhere together and that kills me. its so hard picturing her with someone else but me. while we were together she told me that if we ever broke up i would always and forever have a place in her heart and she would never forget what we had. it seems like she has forgotten, we dont talk at all. i feel though that she realized how much of a loser her bf is she would realize that what i could give her if so much more than this guy and she will want to contact me again...i hope or has she had enough and done for sure? i want her to know that her bf is cheating on her though. my plan was to have this kid call her and ask if they were exslcusive or not because he saw him with some other chick and that he saw this a couple days ago but really wanted to think about it or not and he decided to tell her cause he would want someone to tell him if his girl was cheating on him. i was also gonna have him say that he saw what he saw and its her decision if she should break up with her bf or not. then once it all happened and i found out about it was gonna act suprised like i didnt know so if i did get back to her she wouldnt think i was behind it. good idea or not...??? oh yeah and my feelings are so messed up because if she did want to get back together i dont know if i would right away because she had other experiences with someone else besides me. whats the best way to look upon that situation?

[Blah Toolz]

Hey James... I can feel where you are coming from bro, but you need to lay off. I know exactly how you feel... I wanted to call her back everyday, show that I still loved her... I even felt like driving my car off a cliff or something, just to show her how badly she hurt me.

 

But none of that is going to solve anything. By calling her all the time and telling her you love her, or pulling that "cancer," stunt, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole. She doesn't see it as heartwarming or sweet, she just sees you as being selfish.

 

I know it hurts man... I still can't believe my ex ended it the way that she did. After a little more than 2 years... she doesn't come to me with her problems or anything, she just says "It wasn't working, we need to be friends for a little while." Maybe she had some crazy idea in her head that I was ready to marry her at this age and stage in life... and when she realized I wasn't, she tossed me away like garbage.

 

I think you should keep going with the no-contact, James... if she still cared about you, she'd give you a call back sometime when she realizes that you've stopped calling her.

[Blah Toolz]

Originally posted by estakado

What up BT:

 

Yeah I mean her actions are key in this situation here, how hard is it for her to get a hold of you anyway? So yeah it still goes back to the decision of wanting her back or keep going. Personally, I think you should just keep going and move on. Its already gonna be like July soon and you've already been on the road to recovery. If you try to get with her now and she says no then you might have to start back at 1 again. Which will suck but at least you will be more clear on what you have to do.

 

This worked in my situation because I needed answers and I needed to know if this was really worth my time to still hold out for my girl. I still miss her and love her but I no longer feel guilty or feel that I am responsible for her now. So yeah you gotta decide something and just stick with it.

 

On her end, she needs to face up to what she really wants to do. I cant believe that she is still with that dude, she seems just drunk with honeymoon phase and she doesnt realise what she is missing out from you. Yeah she cries about you but is she doing the right thing and at least try to get a hold of you? I think you know the answer.

 

Getting her back would take some work especially since you gotta watch your attitude and emotions when dealing with her. So you gotta put some thought into that mission too.

 

I am looking at my calendar and starting to fill out dates of days that I wanna do stuff....kinda weird but keeping busy does help. The great thing about moving on now is that once you do find that new girl in your life, you can put all the energy and effort that you woulda used in your ex to this new girl that would totally appreciate it.

 

Make them miss us! Yeah worst summer ever! [jokes!]

 

Get back at us.

 

I'm still debating whether or not to call her, bro... but your post really made me think. I think that if she rejects me this time... I won't be going back to square one of recovery. I think I will realize that pursuing her is pretty much out of the question... and that she really would rather be without me. As much as that hurts.

 

"Yeah she cries about you, but is she doing the right thing and at least try to get a hold of you?" That really made me think. I always thought that if I broke up with this girl... that we could still be close. I want more than anything to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with her still. But if she has stopped calling me, what does that mean? It's been exactly 20 days now since she's called me, and that was only because it was my birthday. It's just such a drastic change going from being with someone for 2 years every single day... sharing pretty much every single facet of your life... to being completely dropped. Left in the dark, not knowing how they are feeling or doing.

 

I am getting to the point now where the hurting and emptiness inside of me is still there... but I can think about it with more of a clear head now. I'm starting to think that the reason she broke up with me is because I liked to party with my friends. We argued about that... I would tell her that I wanted to chill with my friends for a night, and she would act like I was ditching her. I mean... I probably hung out with my friends like that twice a month, if that. She said I was going to go to the party, get drunk, and fool around with a girl. I told her that was ridiculous... she had to have some trust in me. So sometimes she would go with me... and demand that we leave when she wanted to leave. If I said no, then it turned into world war three.

 

Despite that, I still love her. I still can't believe the way that she broke up with me though. She never came to me... never told me she wanted to break up... just tossed me away like ****. I just don't think it's right to do that to someone after 2 years. I still think about her all the time though. It hurts... everyone tells me that I will have no trouble meeting someone new and better, but in my heart -- it's like all I want is her.

 

I think what we had was worth working for... but she hasn't been calling me, 3 months since we've broken, and it's been about a month and 10 days since I've seen her physically... so is it getting to that point now where it's past the point of reconciliation?

[sid3]

so is it getting to that point now where it's past the point of reconciliation?

 

I don't think there's been too much time that has past for a reconciliation, I've heard about them happening anywhere from a month, 5 or 6 months to a year and longer. It does suck to go from sharing everything about your day to not knowing what they are thinking. That too me is the hardest part.

At least if you knew what they were thinking/considering you could be able to move more positively in the right direction, which ever one it may be. Not knowing is the worst. Knowing that you had something that you think was/is working on is good. Our ex's may have taken for granted that the other side of the coin would be that they are with someone that does them like the did us. I am hopeful that it is not only the dumpee that realizes what they had.

Estakado hit it right on the money when he mentioned why girls say guys are jerks. Could very well be because they've been hurt and throw out like the trash. Pretty tough to deal with, loving and missing someone like nothing else in this world and all you can do is wonder what they are thinking.

[estakado]

james_1989: Think about it, if you do wanna get back with your girl you have to forgive her for the way she was with the other guy. Are you at that point to where you are ready to do that? She'll call you bro, keep your end up and try not to be where she kicks it at. You have to give her time to miss you.

 

BT: Oooh dont walk on that path bro where you start blaming yourself because you didnt leave SHE DID, and you did nothing wrong because you wanted to work things out. She's the one that just jumped on the next ride outta your town with some loser. She's the one that is crying about this loser but cant bring herself to call you and do the right thing and try to work it out. They always make us try and feel like we were the worst Boyfriends ever and we all know that is not true. Again the contacting you issue comes to play here. If she wants you she can find you. Still at the same place and still at the same number right? Thats what I think about, I just started my new job today and I just talked/ended with my ex last Thursday....did I get a call today from her? Nope? I wish I did but I didnt, Now I just wanna get to the part where I dont even care about her anymore. It sux to let go but that is just something that you are gonna have to decide to do and/or contact her directly and see what the answers are. From my point of view it looks like she is sticking with her weak decision to stay with that dude. Its not totally over, but you have to admit that you need to let her go for now to see if she made the right choice, and you have to let her go in order for you to make yourself complete again. Just like on my end, I cant wait for my ex to fall just so that I can be there to decide. Yeah it hurts and I broke down today, but you know what there is soo much going for me that I should try and enjoy, I just got a new job and I went out on a date with a wonderful girl. Right now just try and focus on having fun and if you can just keep moving.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah... I think you are right. My heart keeps telling me to chase her... to fight for a girl that I love being with and don't want to be separated from -- but my head tells me to let her go.

 

It's tough... like inner turmoil. I am realizing something though... some of my everyday activities... and even partying with my friends now -- I can actually enjoy them, without thinking that I'd like her to be there with me.

 

It is tough letting go... like you said. I don't know if I'm going to call her. I want so badly for her to come back to me... but I think you are right -- she made the decision to leave, so if she really wanted me back, wouldn't she still be calling back? It's been almost a month now since she called... maybe I should just move on? It hurts to completely separate yourself from someone that you care so much for... but she doesn't want me there, so I have to have the attitude of letting her go.

 

So... don't call her? Heh.... tell me what you guys think.

[estakado]

Dont call, give it some more time

[Blah Toolz]

Letting go of her completely, has been the hardest for me, bro... I can remember being able to just drive to her house and hold her tight in my arms if I needed to -- would make me feel happier than anything.

 

I have to move on for the meantime, like I have been though. I won't call her now... and I don't know if I should. It's just still so hard to believe that she basically threw me out of her life after 2 years... without even talking to me about it. Nothing in my life will ever make me feel more betrayed.

[estakado]

I totally agree bro, today and its always sometime in the afternoon, like I would just think of her....I even met a girl at work today that reminded me of her and how easy going and fun her attitude was....Cutting off the thoughts aint easy, thinking of her made me almost tear up in a group meeting...good thing I stopped it.

 

Yeah the nights arent easy but I know that it will get better. I just try and think of just the little things ahead that will get me through the day such as doing great at my job, making sure that I eat and making sure that I read something cool on my breaks.

 

Start thinking of the future on where you wanna be in life and what career goals [if any] or what immediate goal that you can attain. Gettin and meeting a girl is easy if you are not really struggling. Maintaining her and keeping her interested would be easier too if you are not struggling. I know money cant buy love but it sure can give you freedom to do things.

 

You will get past this bro, you just got to believe that. Letting go sux but what is the alternative? More crying? More wanting to call her and then calling her and getting her all upset? That is not a good scene. We gotta keep whatever dignity and pride we have and hold on to it and build it up so that we can get a better girl that appreciates us and/or if our ex'es come back we are able to decide.

[sid3]

They always make us try and feel like we were the worst Boyfriends ever and we all know that is not true

 

We need to remind ourselves about this, I think they do it to justify their actions and lessen the guilt. Not calling even though you want to is tough, but at the end of the day you'll feel good that you have taken some of the control back and know that your pride is where it is at when you started the day.

[james_1989]

hey guys,

i did pretty good today. i didnt think bout her much at all but its not nightime yet. i hate the night worst of all. i just lay there with my headphones on and my eyes closed and think bout what we used to have and that i might never experience that with her again. one thing i did think about today is a couple months ago about 1 month after our breakup. she had begun hanging out with other dudes and stopped calling me. so i decided it was time to move out of her locker. i came early and packed my stuff up. i had been working out a bit and got a haircut and she walked up to the locker and her jaw dropped. she was like wow you looked totally different/good. i shrugged it off with a thanks and got my stuff from the locker. i looked at her and noticed her eyes, they were watering. i asked what was wrong and she said that this was the end and she was scared. i said the end of what and she said us or somethin. i knew all she wanted was for me to just hold her and tell her everything will be okay. i was so overwhelmed that she was showing signs of missing me that i freaked out and just took my stuff and left. i should have said that we didnt have to do this. i didnt have to move out of the locker. we could hang out and work things out. well after i remembered all this today it made me a little stronger and i didnt think about her for the rest of the day. one thing im bothered by is this new guy. im on vacation right now so i dont have to see them together back at home. my trip ends in just less than a week then i go back to alaska and i dont know if im strong enough to see her with this loser.

 

my question from my last post wasnt anwsered. her new bf cheated on her so i was gonna have this dude call her up and say this: hey are you and mike(new bf) exclusive? well i saw him kissing this other chick at his job a couple days ago. i would have told you sooner but i wanted to think bout this. i saw what i saw and i think you deserve to know that your dude is cheating on you. i know i would want someone to tell me if that was happening behind my back. you can even tell mike(new bf) that i told you because i saw what i saw and im not afraid. i just hope you make the best decision. blah blah blah.

 

 

i know that will break them up. once they are broken up im pretty sure she will want to contact me. i miss her so much but i dunno if i can forgive for what she did to me but i want to be with her badly.

[estakado]

Hey james_1989:

 

If that dude really cheated on your girl then right now she really needs like a friend instead of some ex [you] gettin mushy and tryin to get her back with you. Your best bet would be to see if this rumor is true and find out from other people to see how she is really feeling first. If she is really sad from that, then yeah contact her and let her know that you are there for her, but no trying to get with her because it will drive you nuts if she rejects you. If you play it right she might see the guy that she liked in the 1st place. But you gotta find out if your source was true or if it was some simple love spat that she will get over and then get back with dude again.

 

Keep workin on youself and your feelings bro. Try to decide the best route for you to follow.

[mr_miner]

estakado, how have your struggles been going man? hit us with an update.

[estakado]

Its weird that this week was actually pretty good and that I only broke down a couple times, I am thinking about here less and less and sometimes I forget how or what she looks like.

 

After being about 2 months removed and 1 week from making a real decision [to move on] and sticking to it, I am starting to feel okay again. Like I said before, I used to be kinda scared of being by myself, but I keep busy by trying to do the things that I like....when I get home, I get to watch all the TV that I want, workout, read as long as I like, talk on the phone with friends more....stuff I liked doing before her.

 

A new job and/or environment change will do wonders for you. Try and change your everyday life for a small second and you will see a difference.

 

I had a couple dates and they were really really good, I dunno if anything pans out as far as a relationship goes....I kinda dont trust women for a while now....but a fling here or there dont hurt.

 

Yeah its kinda hard still but I push through it, She still is in my heart, and I keep my focus knowing that I will be a better person in this.

 

You can do it bro, it is possible and I will be living proof.

[sid3]

Sounds like your progressing, that's great. I know your pain, and it isn't easy, but your right, we are going to better for having been through it. Yeah definately a little hard to trust women right now, but they should earn it just as we do!

[james_1989]

hey estakado,

thats great to here that you doing better. im actually finding myself improving to. i still have feelings towards her and i would like to pursue a second relationship with her and work things out but if it doesnt happen i think ill live. well i just started this loveshack thing but its helping tons. estakado, would it be cool if you gave me some background info on your breakup/coping story? and yeah my ex's bf did cheat on her for sure.

[estakado]

Hey james_1989:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41192/ <---Has the short version of my deal. If you do a search on my screename I think you'll find some posts that I made. I pretty much came through this site around the same time as Dreamguy, Blah Tools, Sid3 and mr miner or AKA the BBC Broke Boys Club..ha ha.

 

The thing about breakups is that even though some people say its mutual, there is still a person that is gettin more than their share, it is rarely ever equal in the pain. Someone is always on top of the situation, whether they fake it or not depends on the breakup.

 

On your end you just gotta make a decision and stick with it, time is the best option right now unless you need immediate answers. If that is the case then I suggest you hope for the best but expect the worst. She may not want to work anything out at all.

 

From looking at my own situation, my girl straight up killed me, she dumped me and then moved on with some dude within the next 2 weeks....I didnt get any recovery time and I didnt contact her much after the initial breakup.

[james_1989]

hey estakado,

dude i read your whole story and all the responses that you got and i wanted to say thanks. thanks a lot. it helped me to realize there was someone that felt like me and that gave me strength to know that i will get through this just like you did. im just takin it one day at a time. deep down in my heart i miss being with her and connecting with her like we used to. i reread your decision to give it your 'final shot' several times to know if i should do that. but there is no need, i dont have immediate questions that need to be anwsered. one thing that differs from our problems is that wondering if we will get back together actually helps me. it takes away all my thoughts from being sad to improving myself and thinking that it might actually happen and we might be together later on. im willing to work things out with her down the road but i need clarification on her side that she did make mistakes and sort of an apology of some sort. being here and listening to your stories has helped me so greatly. screw dr phil and all of those people. you guys are the real pros. we have been through breakups and sadness. your support is awesome and i have strived off of it. all the girls that we sit here stressing over lost something great in each of us and its there loss. they are the losers because if they would have stuck around we could have offered them so much more. thanks a bunch guys!

[james_1989]

hey guys havent from anyone in while i just wanted to see what was goin on with you. im having a little trouble but i can work it out i guess. umm start postin guys i need it