Trickle Truth

[Spark1111]

Yeah, stay away from the booze as it fuels the angry craziness.

 

Stay away from your wife also for the next few weeks; no texts, no calls, no emails.

 

Look, had she told you the truth from the get go, you BOTH could have burned the damn couch together.

 

Sometimes I needed to take time off from the drama we had become.

 

Maybe you do too.

[2sunny]

The anger - this rage... YOU are still handing her so much power over YOUR happiness.

 

How do YOU intend to change this?

[stopdropandroll]

The couch didn't cheat.

 

Are you saying he should have burned his wife in the back yard instead of the couch?

[Spark1111]

Home from jail.

 

Got drunk last night. Got some more truth via text message. Came home. Burnt the couch in the backyard. Threw my wife out the front door when she refused to leave without the kids. Hello jail.

 

Court mandated no contact with the victim til my court date (two weeks). Found another place to stay. Guess I won't be seeing my kids.

 

Wife was scared to tell me. Horribly descriptive blog post. Ouch. Amazing to say I still love her and hope to reconcile. Perhaps I'll never learn.

I have two weeks to think about it. And so does she.

 

Spark, your posts are so accurate that it's scary. I can handle the hurt (although not when drunk) but trust has to be restored. The lack of TT kept me going. Turns out that thinking you're the exception is the rule. She did come out with some brutal honesty last night after my initial discovery. I truly think I have it all now. The depth of the affair doesn't kill me anymore. To some extent, my own "revenge" affair showed me how deep the rabbit hole goes and I can sympathize to a real extent. I'm worried about the present. Who knows if there is hope for us now. Would've been in a much better position without the whole domestic battery. Geesh.

 

Don't need much counsel but nice to know someone is listening.

 

There is ALWAYS hope. If you love her and she loves you, there is always hope.

 

Take the high road. If you feel you should apologize for craziness, then do so.

 

But not the feelings; just the manner in which you expressed them were frightening and physical. No excuse for that, EVER.

 

But the feelings were real, and you have a right to them.

 

Hey, I'm not perfect, but I try to take the high road. I didn't smash his car when it was parked in her driveway, but I sure as hell wanted to. I took pictures instead and sent them to everyone.

 

Like Bent has said, "No one got murdered and no one went to jail" so all in all, a good outcome.

 

You went to jail for manhandling her. Knock it off. But continue to get in touch with your feelings. Only you can ultimately heal you.

[Kidd]

There is ALWAYS hope. If you love her and she loves you, there is always hope.

 

Take the high road. If you feel you should apologize for craziness, then do so.

 

But not the feelings; just the manner in which you expressed them were frightening and physical. No excuse for that, EVER.

 

But the feelings were real, and you have a right to them.

 

Hey, I'm not perfect, but I try to take the high road. I didn't smash his car when it was parked in her driveway, but I sure as hell wanted to. I took pictures instead and sent them to everyone.

 

Like Bent has said, "No one got murdered and no one went to jail" so all in all, a good outcome.

 

You went to jail for manhandling her. Knock it off. But continue to get in touch with your feelings. Only you can ultimately heal you.[/

 

Did a lot of taking the high road today. Determined to continue.

 

I do value my feelings, though, to be sure. I believe the relationship to be reparable. She came clean with many hard things that night. I believe it's all out and I finally have no questions remaining. It was very validating to confirm the TT and gaslighting. I am more sure about my own view of the world and confident that I was not and am not crazy. How we move forward is going to require the hard work that I've been wanting from her all along. Avoidance won't work.

 

But I also got a lot of a lot of confirmation about her current commitment. I now know that this was her only affair.

 

But manhandling her is no more justified than her affair. I had a choice to confront or divorce and chose something unjustifiable.

 

We both have a lot of work to do and we both have to be willing. Tall order. Ut I agree that with love, it remains possible. Gonna be a few weeks before I know anything.

[Kidd]

I contacted my FIL (my kids are there). He finds my actions reprehensible and isn't willing to work with me right now. Can't blame him. Not pushing but at least had the chance to let him know how I feel. Being patient. Gonna be a long two weeks. Attorney consult tomorrow. Prepared for the worst, hoping for the best.

[Kidd]

She indicated no intent to prosecute during the arrest. The state takes things into their own hands. Charges are very likely dropped but it certainly depends on her input and my actions. I cannot afford a mistake on my part and hope to find grace coming from her direction. I am choosing to have faith in my wife and our 18 years together.

[2sunny]

Anger is always masking fear. What are you so afraid of?

 

Since you say you are in touch with your feelings - it won't be a difficult question to answer...

[Fabian Montenegro]

I am choosing to have faith in my wife and our 18 years together.

 

I wouldn't recommend it. Remember what happened last time you tried that?

 

Anger is always masking fear. What are you so afraid of?

 

Nah. Plenty of people out there that are just angry.

Edited December 29, 2011 by Fabian Montenegro

[Kidd]

Anger is always masking fear. What are you so afraid of?

 

Since you say you are in touch with your feelings - it won't be a difficult question to answer...

 

I was afraid I might sit on the couch.

 

More seriously, I agree that anger is rarely a "primary" emotion. In this case, I think it was. The couch had to go. My wife clearly understood and even helped me get it out of there (I would have dragged the house with it, if necessary). I wish it had stopped there.

[2sunny]

Be mad at the couch all you want.

 

It's really your wife's actions that should be the target. Why aren't you mad enough at her and her actions - enough to throw her out with that couch?

[Kidd]

Be mad at the couch all you want.

 

It's really your wife's actions that should be the target. Why aren't you mad enough at her and her actions - enough to throw her out with that couch?

 

Um, I did throw her out.

 

The more real answer...love. She was afraid to tell the truth. For good reason. It was embarrasing and wrong and she knew it. Sucks but it was the real reason she disn't come clean. She wanted to avoid the setback. WE are the ones with the PhD enough to know better.

[standtall]

Kidd, <sigh>I thought you were smarter.

 

BTW,Anything can be fixed if you throw enough money at it. Get the most expensive criminal defense attorney that you can afford and if they don't drop it, see if you can have the court "take it under advisement".

[2sunny]

I don't see how it's useful to keep loving someone that intentionally caused you such harm - calculated too! THAT isn't my idea of love - at all.

 

Benn there done it - ended a 20 year marriage knowing I deserved better than his lies and betrayal. He kept up the facade of happy happy to the end... The "pretending" is what sent me over the edge when I found out his truth.

 

How could he act like he lived me, buy me flowers every week, have great sex every day and be kind and loving while doing her behind my back?

 

I didn't even wait for an answer to the questions in my betrayed head - he's selfish and self serving at the cost of his entire reputation and is a farce.

 

Why are you willing to consider reconciling?

[Bryanp]

"I choose to have faith in my wife of 18 years". This is the same wife that brought her lover to have sex with in your home behind your back. What is wrong with this picture?

[Kidd]

I don't see how it's useful to keep loving someone that intentionally caused you such harm - calculated too! THAT isn't my idea of love - at all.

 

Benn there done it - ended a 20 year marriage knowing I deserved better than his lies and betrayal. He kept up the facade of happy happy to the end... The "pretending" is what sent me over the edge when I found out his truth.

 

How could he act like he lived me, buy me flowers every week, have great sex every day and be kind and loving while doing her behind my back?

 

I didn't even wait for an answer to the questions in my betrayed head - he's selfish and self serving at the cost of his entire reputation and is a farce.

 

Why are you willing to consider reconciling?

 

I think you ask the most basic question about why ANY of us would reconcile.

[Kidd]

"I choose to have faith in my wife of 18 years". This is the same wife that brought her lover to have sex with in your home behind your back. What is wrong with this picture?

 

Is there a difference between the past and the present?

[2sunny]

Maybe he has faith that she will betray him further?

 

Since she hasn't OFFERED her truth (was forced from her) - and she hasn't done the actions necessary that give evidence that she intends to repair the damage she caused - and he is willing to turn the other way and embrace fear, anger and denial - they may live in denial heaven... Knowing that more heartache and betrayal is just around the corner.

 

She's gonna help you? Ahahaha!

[2sunny]

I think you've misplaced your self respect.

 

Hand her all your power - she will betray again. Guaranteed. If you don't respect yourself- why would she? She won't! You are the official doormat now.

[Kidd]

I think you've misplaced your self respect.

 

Hand her all your power - she will betray again. Guaranteed. If you don't respect yourself- why would she? She won't! You are the official doormat now.

 

A lot of absolutes mixed in with an "I think." It's going to take serious work on. Oth parts to reconcile with me.

 

I'll grant you that it's hard to envision a worse scenario, except those that I read about every day.

 

Do I deserve better? Sure. She grants me that reality. What about forgiveness?

[2sunny]

She cheated - you had a revenge affair right?

 

None of it is good. You will get what you allow.

 

You've had choices - and the choices you've made in the past few months are only growing negative energy bigger. That is evidence for disaster.

 

I hope you make better choices for YOURSELF in the new year. Counting on a woman who betrayed you - to have your back and be supportive - doesn't look promising.

[2long]

I remember doing this...

 

coming 2 an infidelity discussion forum 10 years ago and complaining about my W's choice 2 cheat on me, and then vehemently defending her against the posts urging me 2 divorce her.

 

We just celebrated our 36th anniversary this week. She really did end her affair before d-day, though contact continued for YEARS after. I was trickle truthed, and have confirmed that I've not been given the whole truth even now.

 

Our marriage is very different from what it was before the affair. That's a good thing! Neither one of us has that naivete we had when we're young. We're both much more sure of ourselves and what we want and will accept in our own lives. I doubt my wife would ever cheat again, but I wouldn't be nearly so affected as the last time if she did. I wouldn't stay married 2 her, though.

 

Kidd will have 2 make his own choices and struggle through his own hard-knocks lessons.

 

...but hell, I'd have burned the bloody couch, 2!

 

-ol' 2long

[reboot]

Do you feel better now?

[Bryanp]

"is their a difference between the past and the present?". Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

The problem that I see Kidd is that she brought her lover to your home and had sex with him in your home. This is an example of someone with a complete moral compass breakdown. Actually it sounds more of a person who is amoral. I really do not think that you realize the multiple layers of symbolism of a spouse engaging in this behavior with their lover in your home. Nevertheless I wish you luck.

[reboot]

I feel better than you, if that's what you're driving at.

 

And now you're claiming omnipotence. Should I pray to you now?