Why dumpers eventually want to reconcile; why dumpees eventually don't

[smokey bear]

Great post, BA! And I think you're doing better sticking to your own observations than citing to external sources, because your proposition that it's a high that wear out is different - and in my opinion more correct- than the idea of basal happiness. The difference is rooted in the content of the newly gained freedom, i.e. that it's not as great as theu thought. By contrast, the basal happiness theory rests on the notion that no matter how rich or poor you are, you'll be equally happy or miserable after the high wears off. That's actually not quite true.

 

I think this is a GREAT observation, and if MMM allows me, I'd like to simplify it to make sure it settles in. I think what MMM is saying is that the dumpers (who are usually serial dumpers) can't find true happiness with anyone because there is something substantial lacking in their own foundation. So they jump from one relationship onto another, looking for "the one" and admitting but one mistake they've ever made: hooking up with the wrong people.

 

The dumper profile we're discussing here is the GIGS-er; we're excluding dumping for valid, legit reasons. The GIGS-er as a personality type is usually the one that's the wrong person for everybody. They expect from others to be flawless and ironically, usually hook up with the worst people after dumping the one with a flaw. They're not relationship material because they refuse to look within themselves and accept the remote possibility that maybe, just maybe, it's them who always screw up.

 

 

 

OUCH!!! this is a good one, completely 100% correct.

Spot on the money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RecordProducer]

18-25?????

 

People SHOULD be GIGS-ers ate that age. They shouldn't settle for anything or settle at all! - since they know nothing about life. 18-25 is kindergarden age when it comes to choosing a life partner or lover. I applied my standard to people of more mature age (30+).

 

What was "unfixable"? Obviously in a marriage/relationship people have different beliefs on what is fixable and what is not. My exW told me if I thought our relationship could be fixed I was "clueless".

It's too long to explain, plus this was not in the US and most of the unfixability had to do with our different mentalities. I was very young (22) and he dumped me when our twins were babies. Logically, there was nothing to fix. I progressed in my life after our divorce (not immediately, though) and he regressed. That was my 1st ex-H.

 

With my second ex, I thought things could be fixed, but he didn't think so. Now I think he can't be fixed, but I am working on fixing my own flaws so I can be a better partner to someone who is right for me. Also, my 2nd ex is just plain mean. He used to intentionally do things just to hurt me. I can't believe I put up with his emotional and mental abuse. I'm so glad the nightmare of our marriage ended and I can't believe I wanted him back for so long - what an idiot! (me)

 

I don't agree with the premise. Perhaps it is valid among those (a small minority) who are into clubbing, drinking, etc. That just isn't my social circle.

I took "freedom" to mean whatever it means to the dumper, not to OP. But the GIGS-ers are probably more likely to look for a greener grass outside than sit at home and play video games.

 

And most mature individuals understand the consequences of breaking up. They don't go back but move on.

I think sometimes it makes sense to go back when people have a long history together or when the love is there. People break up because they stop loving each other - and one of them notices that.

These type of breakups are usually led on by emotionally immature people. Those that lie to themselves. One of the most difficult things with these types of breakups is that you can look them in their eyes and see they are lying to themselves.

Why do you think they lie to themselves? And about what? Just trying to hear your theory and experiences... Cuz I think deep down they now they suck.

 

he kept just loving her more because he thought if he loved her enough maybe she would become happy with herself.

This is what I thought about my ex, but the more I loved him and the sweeter I was the more he pushed me away.

 

Anger and sadness in its purest form are positive emotions. A lot of people do not understand this. Instead of embracing anger and sadness, they tuck it away and hide it. You can be angry and sad in a relationship, it doesn't mean that the relationship has to end, it means something needs to change with yourself usually it has nothing to do with the other person at all. Its about that person either accepting something or letting it go.

Well, relationships are not about you alone; it takes two. It's an enterprise. Just like they're not all about making YOU happy, they can't be all about accepting the other person the way s/he is and letting them make you miserable all the time. Even though my ex dumped me, I should've been the one who dumped him. And frankly, I think that's why he dumped me - because he knew I would dump him sooner or later. Not to mention, I am almost two decades younger than him and quite attractive to the opposite sex.

 

Nothing is unfix able. That term unfix-able is reserved by people with so much resentment built up, that they wall off.

It's much easier to run away than to fix. That's why people like my ex jump from one woman onto another their whole lives. It's like wanting to have a car that will never see the shop - ain't gonna happen. So they always look for a new "car" (partner).

 

I am not going to pry and bash people on this very thread but there are some people that need to just let go of resentment. Life's too short to be angry and self centered all the time.

I don't know what your experiences are but for years, I kept forgiving my ex and finding excuses for his mental abuse. Resentment is helping me deal with the reality: that he is bad news, that he did horrible things to me, and that I need to move on. That seed of love you're talking about, I planted it and he kept watering it AND walking all over it. But the bastard (the seed of love) kept growing because it's nature - love is natural and exists for as long as you grow it no matter how severe the conditions may be. I finally ripped that seed out of the ground so it can't grow and hurt me anymore. The answer is not love but detachment. And detachment comes when you realize that someone was bad enough - for you to benefit from moving on. And you can't conclude someone was bad without feeling resentment.

 

But, I do agree with you that that resentment has to be relinquished at some point. It took me about two years to get over my first ex-H. With the second, the problem was that wekept seeing each other for a couple years after we split. But I cut that habit a year ago. Meanwhile, he found another woman and I think that helped me to see him for who he always was. I let go of all the sweet and forgiving feelings once I saw him with another woman, and the result was: once those sweet feelings were gone, he was not covered by them, he was no longer an illusion of happiness. the bubble of him being a god burst and what's left is a mean, insecure, miserable, selfish, abusive loser.

 

One day right after that 2 month mark, it hit me, I was angry at myself, not at my ex and I had been for a long time, it wasnt because my ex lied to me, or cheated on me, it was because I walled off and quit feeling, quit being me.

Can you explain more? This is interesting. I too quit being me during my marriages. But I never stopped feeling.

At the same time, I have my own life to live, if I hear from her one day, great, if not, I'll move on.

What do you mean by that? Are you hoping for reconciliation? Edited December 17, 2011 by RecordProducer

[ZimboGon]

I like your posts, RecordProducer. There's nothing more in the world i would want more than reconciliation and you're making me feel like that is possible haha.

[RecordProducer]

I like your posts, RecordProducer.

Thanks, Zimbo.

 

There's nothing more in the world i would want more than reconciliation and you're making me feel like that is possible haha.

Oh, I am making you feel like it's possible? Well, I am no expert on reconciliation whatsoever! Thank God. Because I am glad my two ex-husbands dumped me. I see it as God speaking through their actions to me: to move on. As my quote #2 suggests.

[wilsonx]

Well just for the record on this thread, this concept of GIGS and dumpers eventually wanting to reconcile does happen.

 

There's a member of this forum that ex contacted today after 2 years and begged this guy to go out with her tonight.

 

My manager at work has done this to a guy she left and came back after 2 years and told him that if he ever wanted to date again, she would be interested.

 

This happened to my dad over 30 years ago, his ex fiance dumped him on vacation in aruba and she wanted to go party with other guys, he left, disappeared out of her life and about the 20 month mark, she came begging and pleading for almost a month every day at his house for him to take her back. Obviously he made the right choice because he was just starting to date my mom at the time.

 

I have had this happen to me 6 years ago after 5 years apart. My brother had this happen to him

 

I was a bitch to my ex the very last day my ex was here and I said, you know what they always come back. Its part of my blood. Even the one girl I broke up with came back.

 

Not all breakups are the GIGS related that homebrew posted in his thread last year. People try to place force their ex's etc into that category.

 

There's a specific person that lies to themself or convinces themself that they aren't in love anymore and they are in love with someone else. Its like they can just flip a light switch and its off over night. Its that quick too. One of the things Im good at is watching people who lie to themselves and seeing it. Even people on this forum. The reason I was so ****ing confused with my breakup is because I watched the physical indicators of interest or attraction in my ex but it was like she was convincing herself she wasn't so she could go **** around with this other guy. Unlike smokey's ex, I wasn't stupid. I saw this coming almost 2 months out but was hearing one thing and feeling another. This is what a GIGS breakup is.

 

I asked smokey bear if she lied to herself and she said no which I knew was bull**** and I called her out on it later and she said "she convinced herself she wasn't in love anymore" These people "serial dumpers" mistake love for infatuation and thats why these breakups suck if you really pay attention. they get bored in the relationship and go outside to find some excitement

 

I told all my friends I wasnt done with my ex watch, I wasn't, and I know Im still not

Edited December 18, 2011 by wilsonx

[ZimboGon]

Well, my girlfriend jumped ship to another guy that was obsessed with her when she felt our relationship wasn't working anymore(i graduated, so we saw each other less and she saw him everyday due to class). She kept crying, saying she couldn't ever imagine losing me, and then the second this guy talked to her she was putty in his hands because he was something new and exciting. Stupid chase honeymoon phase. Even after the break-up when i asked her what happened, she told me things were getting stale and she guesses she just wanted a change.

 

Something new she could of worked on with me, because i was a really loving, supportive boyfriend. But whatever, i've cut her out of my life and am doing NC until she realizes what the hell she wants. She's been dating him for a few weeks now.