She did it AGAIN!! And here we go AGAIN! Merry-go-round. see this text..

[Moonless sky]

something all my friends have said to me is that she will regret what she's done.. and not only that they say that I have set the 'bar' high, HIGH HIGH HIGH, in every respect, and I don't mean assets or money or anything like that - i treated that woman well, very well, i can stand up and say that, even when it comes to assets etc I could offer that woman any woman a nice life, but a loving one as well - and she knew that, and she'll find out in the wilderness that NOT all guys are like that. But for some reason she still wanted to be part-free, and not do the hand holding and stuff. Anyway you guys know all this.

 

abitlost,

There are believe it or not women out there that would respect what you've done for them. She will regret, but if she chooses to show you this it doesn't matter because you gave her many chances for years it looks like. Time to walk away and hold your head up high.

[a_bit_lost]

Thanks all.

 

I'm typing on my phone so sorry for poor spelling. I was approached by a middle aged woman in a bar last night who is the work 'mother' of her, a woman that she confides in. She approached me and put her hand on my shoulder asking if I was ok, I said yes of course. She was very sweet to me, we spoke for some time and I explained she'd messed me around for a year and this woman agreed whole heartily with everything I said, I told her a lot of the things I've said here and boy did she agree, everything I said she validated such as me pushing her away in the club, this woman said to her apparently 'well what did you expect'.. Seems this woman very much likes me and even said 'if I was 30years younger' blah blah. She said 'can I tell you something', I said 'do I want to know' and she replied it's ok it won't hurt you, apparently the other day the ex went to her for a long chat as she does and unloaded a load of problems with this woman and she said 'well I don't know what to do now next with him as he pushed me away', this lady had replied to her 'you do nothing'. So it seems shes still thinking about stuff I guess and then I thought urgh this isn't the end given that and at some point she may contact me I thought to myself.

 

And then just now, my friend just text me saying he saw her in town today hand in hand with some other guy. The pain.

[a_bit_lost]

utterly, utterly deflated after hearing this - shes has a new BF it seems already. Urgh the pain. Holding back the tears and up and down with complete anger.

[jerbear]

utterly, utterly deflated after hearing this - shes has a new BF it seems already. Urgh the pain. Holding back the tears and up and down with complete anger.

 

Hey buddy, don't let her get to you! Cry and don't hold back. Let that anger out on a pillow or something. Your actions is a good first step and will help you get over her.

[a_bit_lost]

i know but its hard, its f***ing killing me today - my mind is awash with all this in light of the latest news. In fairness this was going on before during the other times we split its just this time I now know - All cozy'ed up holding hands was what my friend had text me. Great.

[a_bit_lost]

as my username. A bit lost - beyond all scope of everything today. Shes moved on and i'm left behind TOTALLY licking my wounds.

[jerbear]

as my username. A bit lost - beyond all scope of everything today. Shes moved on and i'm left behind TOTALLY licking my wounds.

 

Take your time, take a vacation, meditate and maybe find someone. Someone to lick your wounds or keep you company. Get out and spend time with friends.

[MsNay]

Hey A bit lost

 

I just joined up with love shack just to respond to you.

 

It's terrible being in love with someone who can't really give a **** about you only when it suits them.

 

Trust me you will hear from her again but it is only because she has no other options at that point in time. But I guarantee you she will find some one real quickly and forget about you the second she... well you know.

 

Quite frankly this is the best thing she could have done for you - because you already know that she can't keep her...well you know and that you ain't what she is looking for or she would be with you instead of screwing with you emotionally.

 

This girl is the type you want to RUN from and never ever look back. Also any other girl that reminds you of this girl is the type that you should also run from in future. They are known as good time girls/guys and they are the one you have a good old time with in one area only and never engage with them on a personal level.

 

I am sorry if that is a bit harsh but you would already know this too since you have analysed this to death.

 

What you need to do is break any positive type of emotion that you have with her and every time you feel sad/longing etc for her immediately replace it with the word of the STD she gave you. That will quickly remind you of the person you are dealing with.

 

Also what you need to do is move on and get rid of anything that reminds you of her.

 

BUT whilst you sit here analysing the last few months you waste more months and there's how many girls that are passing you by that may be ten times better than that crap that you had before.

 

I suggest you start asking girls out. If your rejected your rejected - its nothing personal but at least you take a chance and get on with life...so get on with it! Or not confident enough yet -then at least start looking and smiling at all the women out there (just don't look like a weirdo when your doing it though )

 

FYI - my ex fiancee turned around about two months ago and told me that he was miserable living in this town, was trapped and did not want to work these kind of jobs and wanted to find his happiness - so he took off overseas to where his family live and left me with all the bills and no job.

 

So I took up every offer that people have given me to go out (even if I felt miserable on the inside) Took up extra games with my fave sport and made a list of all the things I wanted to do but didn't cos he was around - Like my fave is eating in bed watching weird as comedies (which he didn't like for both). Sure I cried but really at the end of the day who wants to be with someone who does crap like that? Not me - time to find someone who is happy in their life so I can enjoy it with them too. But time to make me happy first!

 

Oh and yes he did call me and said that he was miserable and leaving me was the biggest mistake that he made and he regrets taking me for granted - I told him well when you get back to this country maybe we could sort something out then but in the meantime I say my key phrase and it works

 

Sooo get on with life - now

[wilsonx]

I doubt he will hear from "HER" again. He's chasing her. That's what people are failing to read from his posts.

 

He's looking for the clown.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/278306-stop-looking-clown

[CaliBabe]

I doubt he will hear from "HER" again. He's chasing her. That's what people are failing to read from his posts.

 

He's looking for the clown.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/278306-stop-looking-clown

 

 

If he is in fact chasing her that is a big no no. You have to walk away and invest that time and energy back into yourself. DO NOT CHASE.

[a_bit_lost]

MsNay - Thanks for taking the time to signup and offer your help. I hear you and everything you say, I'm going to read this over and over that you've kindly written for me.

 

wilsonx - I am not chasing her per se, I am not, I do have overwhelming thoughts of her yes and have a very powerful force that makes me want to drive past her workplace or catch a glimpse so she can see whats shes missing, obsessive addition on my part yes, but i'm resisting, after the breakup 5 weeks ago I did go to her apartment a few days after and tried to patch it up but I left, there was a bit of residual angst until she said No contact - And then I simply stopped, this was all within a week - 5 weeks ago.

 

- A weeks later I had Unknown calls on my phone late on Saturday nights. I ignored.

 

- Two weeks later she emailed me saying she still cared and asked how I am, the same sh*t i've had before with her basically, I ignored - that same night she approached me in a club - I physically pushed her away eventually. She emailed saying how out of order I was followed by Unknown calls - I ignored. I replied saying *excerpt* 'I'm not interested, I want to erase this from my life'. She replied *excerpt* 'I could you see you were hurt as I am and i'm no longer interested either'.

 

- I saw her again in a club the following week, I ignored, walked past. Although I did talk to one of her male friends at length after. And some other douche told me he was talking to her on a dating website, I told him to stay clear and gave him an excerpt of the cr*p i've put up with.

 

- Last week - She texts me some BS about her brothers passport saying that the passport office may contact me as I was the countersignature, and she simply just wanted to let me know that they may contact me. I ignored.

 

- This weekend, I was approached by her close middle aged work confidont friend at a bar who first put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ok repeatedly, I didn't even recognize her at first, it took some time for me to work out who it was as i've only spoken to this woman once, to which I replied yes i'm fine and that shes messed me around for over a year, this woman agreed with everything I said, and I mean everything, you'll see in my above post, I told her shes crossed every boundary in my book and this woman agreed, she went on with this later:

 

Lady - Can I say something

Me - Do I really want to know?..

Lady - Its ok it won't hurt you.

Lady - She came to me the other day with all her problems and said she doesn't know what to do next because you pushed her away and I said to her you do nothing dear.

Me - I pushed her away because i've had enough of her messing with me

Lady - I said to her what did she expect

Me - Exactly

 

It made me think there and then shes still creating a method/reason to contact me if I read between the lines of what this lady told me - Not that I should care I KNOW GUYS. But she went to this woman the other day and then read the next line...

 

- Yesterday, my mate texts me saying he's seen her with someone else in town hand in hand looking all cozy.

 

Wtf..

 

Yes I have probably physically put myself in the lions den by going to bars/clubs over the town but there's only so many clubs etc..

Edited March 26, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[blindesided]

Wow I just read the entire thread. It sounds like she did a number on you. My question to you - is this your first "relationship" - Have you ever been dumped before? A lot of this sounds like wanting what you cant have & the awful ego-crushing blow of being rejected. You say so yourself - you are a good looking guy with a lot going for him. Could that be part of your issue? I know it is partly that way with me. I'm not used to being the one rejected & when I was - it was a brutal blow to the system. I cant eat, sleep - constantly obsessing over this person (who I have only been dating 6mos) My divorce of a 17yr marriage didnt take this much of a toll on me - because we both knew it was over I think. I'm not saying that is your entire issue - you do seem to have some kind of addiction towards this person - but maybe in therapy ask if that could be a reason of having a hard time moving on?

[Livin Lrge]

ABL

I'm feeling your pain dude, i'm going through the same Sh*t.

I've been No contact 7days now and feeling like she is out with some other dude but I don't know for sure and I found out some old news about her past and it makes me so angry that I spent three years trying to make it work with her.....

Like many poster have written.........

This girl falls under the party/good time girl when she wants it/ center of attention look how hot I am.... Type..... They will mess you around because the have commitment issues and a lot of insecurities.... that's why they do the things they do... they need to feel it as they don't love themselves so they need to keep trying to find attention any way they can... I really don't think they care about hurting others because there hurting inside so how would they care about anyone else.....

They are very selfish and cold hardhearted....

As much as I want her back we both need to ride this one out mate...

you have already been five weeks LC your doing good... keep it up

hearing the news of your ex holding hands would cut me up too.....

But its a good thing,,,, this may help you get over her as would you want her back after hearing this..... you know what else she was doing with him.... At least you know... your in a better frame to move on now as I can only guess what my ex is doing....

Girls would never ever move on after a breakup so quick if they gave a sh*t but then again she broke up cause she didn't want you anymore, so this in its self is enough reason to not even worry about getting back together...

Stay strong and read Suddendumpees old post this guy is a champ 6month NC....

Battle is still early but Victory is there if you want it......

until then keep posting and we will keep helping...

We are all with you....

LL

[Downtown]

I found out some old news about her past and it makes me so angry that I spent three years trying to make it work with her.

LL, your descriptions of your exGF -- here and in your Nov 2010 thread -- mention several of the BPD traits that BitLost sees in his Ex. Although you speculate in that old thread that "she may be bipolar," the behaviors you describe seem much closer to traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Rebel's thread to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would be glad to discuss them with you if you want to start a new thread (I was unable to post in your existing thread because it is so old that new posts are blocked). My posts in Rebel's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Take care, LL.

[Livin Lrge]

LL, your descriptions of your exGF -- here and in your Nov 2010 thread -- mention several of the BPD traits that BitLost sees in his Ex. Although you speculate in that old thread that "she may be bipolar," the behaviors you describe seem much closer to traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Rebel's thread to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would be glad to discuss them with you if you want to start a new thread (I was unable to post in your existing thread because it is so old that new posts are blocked). My posts in Rebel's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Take care, LL.

 

 

Downtown..

you are right on the money.......

I cant believed you picked up on that....

I though it was Bipolar but its not I had it all wrong...

All I can say is ABL and I need your help...

All in all I know is we need to run like hell and don't even bother to help them anymore and I need to work on my codependency issues...

I would really like you help

LL

[a_bit_lost]

blindesided - No, this isn't my first, I've had a few relationships where I've been like this after, but never had the turmoil of an ex's behaviour of coming back time and time again, its not in my vocabulary to understand if someone says they love you and want everything with you for me to doubt it, naive I guess to being treated like this - but when someone says these things I have believed it, I STILL cannot believe at the moment they were lies.. I shall ask my therapist.

 

Livin Lrge - Dude, me and you are clearly in the same boat. We both know that these witches will hit us again at some point, that's a given, but then again, maybe they wont - maybe we'll never hear from them again. Hearing that made my stomach sink yes, and still does when I think about it - someone else holding her hand. Sickness. Pure sickness in the stomach. Codependency we both clearly have, and that makes it toxic with these 'good time' girls. I wish I had ended this a year ago when I was presented with a whirlwind of red flags and I wouldn't be the state I am now. What pi*sses me off the most is that whilst I am repairing myself, at least attempting to, she's off galavanting around with a new host and most likely in love with the honeymoon - but I know that will come to a crashing end at some point, as my friends said no one would have put up with so much and she'll drive the next host to the same level of pain that's a given, whether the host will put up it is unlikely, jeeze I spoilt that witch not many would do the same, as said im not perfect and I inhibited her actions as they were dealbreakers, but no man can let their other half do the things she put forward to me... I'm here fella. I don't even need to see what your ex looks like but I can paint a picture. As everyone has said, this happened time and time before when split in the last year with other guys, its just that this time I've heard about it - Jeeze she gave me an STD so of course this same stuff happened, I just didn't know - whether there was hand holding is another story. F**k knows.

 

I haven't had anything direct from her for anything for 11 days now, her maximum time for not contacting me in the last 1.5years is about 15days. If I can get to a month, I know i'll be feeling better. I'm sure the new host is occupying her mind and time so lets hope I dont hear anything. I fighting to write "i hope i dont hear from her" because thats what my mind is saying whereas my heart says something quite different. Urgh I'm battling myself, I cant have anything to do with her - she has someone new :'( even though shes obviously still thinking about things as her middle aged woman for work told me. Urgh.. F**k this.

Edited March 27, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[a_bit_lost]

what annoys is me that she acts like a slut half the time... WHY?! I wish she wouldn't. The other half she shows this other side to her. But associates of her say she's a 'slut' and a 'slag'. Sickens me to be honest. Why does she want to be like that, when she wants relationships too. Makes no sense, just isn't in my vocabulary to understand.

[a_bit_lost]

i've just read a few reviews of this plenty of fish dating site.. I'm sickened.. She was/is on this and from what i've read its not a million miles from a sex site... And a total hive for sexual activity. Having not done online dating before, i am contemplation it but perhaps one of the slightly more mature paid sites, I have just been sick to the stomach thinking she's on there - on what looks like a STD hive. Sickened.

[lizardking8610]

You could have the exact same story as me, literally down to every last detail. My guess is she probably does have BPD I would have to know a few more details; regardless there is a plethora of information on BPD but I think the best articles I have come across are from here...IF LOOKS COULD KILL - Anatomy of a Borderline BORDERLINE PERFECT - Splitting, Splicing and Projection in BPD Pathology AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline. BREAKING UP WITH A BORDERLINE: There must be 50 Ways to leave your Lover. OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE - A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion

 

Those sites helped me a ton.

 

I was with her for about 4 years, stunningly beautiful all the rest etc. Had all the same drama and I know that you have a choice, as I do, whether or not we are going to let other people control our lives.

 

I think you should look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to let your life be ran but other people, let alone by one girl (its not worth it)?

 

Take some time for yourself and really think about what you have to gain from being with her besides a temporary reprieve from your shattered ego, which in the end, will only get crushed more by the more than probable break up that would ensue should you choose to pursue this.

 

Will she come back? That's the question I'm sure you ask yourself the most as you pace back and forth smoking...It seems like a benign, innocuous question, however, in reality when you validate and accept this thought you have lost all your own personal power.

 

If she comes back or not, truthfully, is irrelevant, unless you willingly want to relinquish control of your own life to some immature "hot" girl! Analyzing her more than that may or may not be helpful to you, but what is important to remember is that you are letting other people control your life end of story.

 

I agree that you seek validation from externalizations and you have some self worth, image and confidence issues. SO WHAT! You and 99% of other people! You have been granted existence by God, the Universe or whatever you want to believe in, your existence, by the nature of things, has already been validated.

 

You're alive and have many blessings in your life; family, friends, a career you enjoy! You should consider yourself lucky and STOP HURTING YOURSELF, I promise you that the stress of this situation will not only deteriorate your mental health it will also strain your interpersonal relationship, effect your career and likely your health.

 

I know you have a lot of stress right now and are, in some ways, self imploding but that is fine, in fact its normal when you have too sick people in a toxic relationship. You have to to do You now if you ever want a genuine relationship with a female. Take care of yourself and stop letting others run your life, if your religious go to church, if not hang out with friends, volunteer some of your time....DO SOMETHING...Get out of yourself for a while.

 

Think about it! All you do all day is think about your ex...but really you're just thinking about how your ex made you feel! And how was that? Oh yeah...like Sh*T! Right? Yea there were the good times and you felt connected to her and you cant beleive she would say X,Y, or Z and turn around and do the opposite. Well She DID! She said one thing then did another!!!!!!! IT is a FACT written in Action and irrefutable!

 

You are upset and emotional and your self centerdness, emotions and ego rejection is getting the better of you! I know its tempting to demonize your ex to move forward but dont, yea she sucks and most of this is her fault, but YOU LET HER DO IT TO YOU!!!!!

 

Her Actions speak volumes...get out there volunteer, do things to improve yourself, ask yourself if you want to let other people run your life for you, let alone 1 girl, MY GOD just 1 girl out of over 3 billion. Consider yourself lucky I went through similar torment and was just through it again, she broke off with me after wanting me back so bad, made promises, etc. then did a 180, Classic BPD in my mind..... but anyways this could go on forever if you let it...if not with her with some other girl....YOU DESERVE BETTER!

[Mack05]

From reading many threads like this on Loveshack, I really don't buy into the pigeon-holing of all these women. It's like if a woman is gorgeous, had a terrible childhood, has a nasty temper etc etc etc means she has a personality disorder. It may or may not be true, BUT no one here can really identify for sure what her issues are. Firstly we are not professionals, secondly we have never met her and thirdly the OP can't even identify what is wrong with him, let alone figure out what is wrong with his ex. None of us have the right to label our ex's, especially when are sometimes unaware of the extent on our own issues..

 

I have said many times about leaving LS and I will!, but I see so much of the OP in me that its hard not to care or want to help. I see him making the exact same mistakes as me. I spent months this time last year rock bottom, focusing on the issues of my ex (same BPD revelations) and not truly focusing on me. I too was in Therapy. I too was emotionally immature. I too was/is codepedent etc etc.

 

Downtown is probably my fav poster on this site. I read these two posts over and over last year, when I was obessesing about a previous ex (like you are now). I missed the most important part of his post..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/233682-ever-been-someone-you-know-isnt-right-yet-you-have-difficult-time-moving#post2826453

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735

 

"Because of your codependency, the danger is that you will now run into the arms of another woman just like her. Stable women are unlikely to give you the intense passion you experienced while being in bed with a woman having the emotional abandon of a child. Stable women will try to impress you but will fall far short of mirroring your personality. And stable women are unlikely to make you feel like the knight who is riding in to save them"..

 

If you continue down the current path (obsessing about her, neglecting yourself) you will eventually attract a woman just like your ex and the cycle will repeat all over again. The same drama, the same heartbreak. The same cycles. How do I know? It happened to me. I met someone pretty amazing, 4 months after heartbreak last year. I stayed in denial. I filled my emotional gaps within me the wrong way. I wasn't ready, though I convinced myself (and her) that I was. I simply hadn't dealt with my internal issues. This led to the same mistakes, same cycles, more heartbreak and another girl that hates my guts..

 

I have no idea what is wrong with my ex's. According to many on this site they have BPD. Honestly I don't care anymore. I just want them happy, especially my last ex. All I know, is that they too were emotionally immature (like me) and that we were never compatible as a couple..The harsh reality is if I don't solve what is wrong with me, then I will keep being attracted to similar women. The relationships start great and end up toxic and I keep going backwards in my life. ABL it is up to us to break the cycle. To make the personal improvements within oursleves, so that we can find the right people for us.

 

Like me, you have to start turning this inwards a bit lost and the obsessing about her and her behaviour has to stop. You have to fix what's wrong with you..It really doesn't matter what is wrong with your ex. You can't focus on her life. It's your life you need to solely focus on. Stay off the dating websites, Facebook, wherever the hell she is..

 

I can tell you ABL, how I am turning things inwards..

 

1) Exercise. You need to get out as much as you can. I run and swim everyday and it is having a HUGE positive effect on my life..I find it far better then the gym ever was.

 

2) Spend a few nights a week in a peaceful place. I am very lucky. I live in a beautiful complex with a lit up swimming pool. 3 nights a week I switch off the laptop, turn off the tv and spend 4 hours a night with just sipping tea/coffee overlooking the pool from my balcony. Instead of wondering what my ex is up to, I focus on many negative things she said about me. Some of her criticisms may be harsh, but many times they were valid.

 

I then write down some notes as a way of improving myself based on her feedback, other ex's feedback. Friends feedback and family feedback. Slowly I am creating a picture in my head, of how I can make the changes I need to make. Where I want my life to head towards.

 

3) Drill into yourself that you are your ex are not compatible..I mean DRILL.....This is really helpful when you are feeling low and missing her..

 

4) Read the following books. For codependency read 'The Enabler' and 'Copededent no more'. For relationship communication read 'Why can't you read my mind'..On your obessesing read the book 'how to break your addiction to a person'.

 

5) Focus on your emotional IQ. Read the book 'Go suck a Lemon' and taken this test -> Queendom: personality tests, IQ tests, mind games, love tests, career tests before and after you read Go suck a lemon..Pretty amazing relevations which help YOU..

 

It has come to the stage that only YOU can help you. It seems right now things are going in one ear and out the other. If you don't gain control of your life back, then you are headed towards a train crash. At some stage you have to say ENOUGH and want to help yourself get out of this mess. Read and understand my signature..

Edited March 27, 2012 by Mack05

[Downtown]

I cant believed you picked up on that....I thought it was Bipolar

LL, I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a Bipolar-1 foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found eight clear differences between the two disorders.

 

One difference is that the mood swings are on two very different spectrums having different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between mania and depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and hating you. Significantly, you mention nothing about your Ex exhibiting manic highs. But you do mention the outpouring of devaluation and hatred from her.

 

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore is consistent with your description of numerous and frequent hissy fits and temper tantrums.

 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages are consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.

 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

 

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of hateful, spiteful behavior.

 

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing to TRIGGER a sudden release of the anger which is already there -- which, again, is consistent with your description.

 

Finally, an eighth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves.

 

Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

 

Yet, despite these eight clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a substantial portion of BPD sufferers (about 33%) also have the bipolar disorder.

[Mack05]

Posted this in another thread. Hope you take something from it ABL..

 

For people like our ex's to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective (that will only happen if they become self aware, highly unlikely). Their desperate need to be seen as 'perfect' physically, cerebrally and spiritually is what drives a lot of issues within this personality type. At the very heart of the acting-out is core shame--the leftover if you will, from a childhood fraught with neglect, skewed messages and abuse, which left them doubting their lovability and true worth. Any (acknowledged) error makes our ex's feel they're a "bad person," which is why their defenses are so thick, it's why they are hypersensitive and why they're unable to accept/own their fragility or failings..

 

The problem with this pattern is our ex's are never held accountable for their destructive behavior. Without any accountability or boundary and limit setting, a child's bad behavior continues to repeat indefinitely--and so does our ex's, because there can be no tangible change or growth of people, with such low emotional maturity...If you are with someone who is unable to take accountabilty in a relationship, who is unable to admit they have faults/failings, who projects and gaslights onto you, who cleverly manipulates you (and probably lies to you). Who constantly blames you for everything, you are better off single.

 

I remember a conversation with my last ex. She used the words "You made me do it" when she exploded with anger one night (she was verbally abusive towards the end). She explained she caught an ex cheating, but I was the one that made her angier more then all the other guys put together. She wanted to find a guy that would 'nuture' her and not make her angry. I realized that second, I could probably never reason with her. She wanted to believe I am 100% for all the problems in the R.

 

I wanted her to focus on the reasons behind the explosive anger. I mean I never cheated. Never abused her (called her crazy but nothing much worse then that). Yet she felt more anger towards me then she did for a narcissistic, cheating, emotionally unavailable previous ex -> (HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple Narcisstic/BPD relationship). I personally believe the anger came from the fact, I kept trying (very badly I might add) to make her bring things inwards and focus on her behaviours/issues and she lashed out because she didn't want to do that (for reasons I have already mentioned in this post). In fact she rebelled against it -> (BORDERLINE PERFECT - Splitting, Splicing and Projection in BPD Pathology Caregiver/BPD relationship).

 

Outside of the R, I was more then happy to focus on my issues (codepency, insecurity, complusive behaviour, self esteem etc etc), to grow as a person, I was hoping she would do the same and maybe try reconnect at a later date. However she was also happy to focus on my issues and flaws. I tried throughout the R and in the aftermath to 'open her eyes', god I tried -> "You'll explain your perspective in as many different ways as possible, hoping they'll finally com prehend why their behaviors trouble you--and it either falls on deaf ears, or gets distorted by them, to where you start believing you're the one who's at fault"..

 

If you force these girls to bring it inward, to try change/fix them, to try 'help' them confront their issues, they will leave you. Nothing surer. After my last attempt to try 'open her eyes' my last ex left saying, "You will never change". She fails to see the irony of that statement. Because of their ignorance to their issues (that goes for us too) and their denial of the true extent of what these issues actually are, a Therapist can't help them, we can't help them. Only they can help themselves, only we can help ourselves.

 

For people to help themselves, they need to become self aware. This requires hard work, honesty, courage and a real willingness to change. It's usually a lot easier for them to leave, blame you and carry their baggage/issues to another relationship, always wondering why things don't work out for them. Ah that's right, cause their ex is ALWAYS the problem, never them..They just don't get it and the harsh probability is, that they never will. That is why the people who excel in all area's of life after a bad start, are the most remarkable people you can ever meet.

 

The conclusion of my last relationship was therefore inevitable, even though I couldn't see it at the time (just like the relationship before that, where I made the exact same mistakes). She listed my flaws (again), called me horrible names and dumped me in a cruel way. Eventually she will go find a guy that will nuture her and won't make her angry and live happily ever after..Good luck to her with that, I guess. I can't see how it's possible the way she is now, but I do hope it happens. I hope one day her eyes get opened.

 

ABL they will move on, blaming you for everything. Totally and utterly blinded to the real extent of their issues. That is their coping mechanism. We shouldn't be angry at these girls, we should feel pity for them and worry about the fact not only did we choose them, we were willing to take all kinds of crap to be with them. I have no idea if my ex as BPD. I really don't. What I do know, is that these articles (and many others) have made me understand why a relationship with her would never have worked and far more importantly it makes it very clear that there is something seriously a miss with me. Otherwise, I would never have gotten involved in my last two relationships beyond 2 months.

 

ABL if you don't heal in the right way (focusing solely on you and not her) and leave go of the bitterness things will not get better for you. I wrote the above two posts to a) try make you understand you can never reason with her or understand her actions b) to try make you understand that you have your own issues to deal with it (away from her). Focusing on her is delaying your own healing which is far more important.

 

I still sometimes focus on my ex. The 'what if's' come from time to time (even a few days back). I just now really try stop myself from analyzing her and our relationship. If I keep doing this, I will eventually stop analzying her/us for good which is vital for my own healing. Mostly, I am dealing with my issues/flaws right now. I haven't a clue how long it will be before I can say, that I am an emotionally mature and healthy man with a great ability to communicate. I know it's one of my main goals in life. If I don't achieve it, I will end up single or divorced. That is the plain and simple truth.

 

Like the previous person I posted this to, You are a good guy. You do deserve good things, but while you remain on this path, I worry about your future. You deserve better..PM me if you ever want to chat...I truly believe her leaving is a long term blessing in disguise even though it doesn't feel that way now. Just focus on you, will eventually start to come together for you..

Edited March 28, 2012 by Mack05

[a_bit_lost]

Guys, thank you so kindly for your lengthy help and support - mack, thank you personally - I've been reading your replies and I'm very thankful for the time you've put into composing all that for me... I will/am starting to think like you've said and starting to do the things you've listed.

 

But.. O.M.G - LISTEN TO THIS GUYS! Last night I went out for another drink with a female friend, I had a drink with her a few weeks ago (I met her out and about months ago), she has become more a friend than anything else, she is great looking, but I don't think I'm there yet with everything.. BUT OMG, she knows the last year or so of all the stuff i've been through as I've explained and then she went... O.M.G I KNOW OF YOUR EX! I was shocked.. She said... OMG SHES SEEING MY EX NOW!! Apparently this guy is 5ft 2 with a tiny 'you know what' (this girl seems quite sweet and loyal and I dont think she's a liar, she just seems straight up and not the type just to slate this guy unless its true). God the things she told me about him, that he expects women to pay for him, he's hugeeely arrogant, he has his OWN name tattooed on his arm... And he lives with his parents, he's 22 and 2 years younger than both these women. God, originally when this girl said I know of your ex, my heart sank and I didn't want to hear anything, but she said NOOO listen, this WILL NOT hurt you! She went on to tell me that she dropped this guy because one night she was in a hotel with him and she was coughing and this guy just threw a towel at her and said cough into this so I dont have to listen to you - this was within a 2month relationship!!!!! This girl I went for a drink with seems to have values and last time she told me clearly she can see why my ex will not let go because of how I am and what I've got going on. She described her as a total gold digger who also went out with various other people in this group, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know to be honest, I'm not stupid and I had done the maths as you can see throughout this thread, tbh all of my thoughts were right. I mean this new girl didn't know things in depth but she enlightened and validated things to who she was with during the 'breakups' and some of her activities with these various men that I suspected. This girl I was with last night was riling around in enjoyment as she said "WOW... They will sh*t on each other like you won't believe" and it won't even last because he was horrible. HA!

 

Wow, what a revelation... Just to know that in fact the 'hand holding' I was devastated with when I heard is this small 5ft2, tiny penis'ed, arrogant, 22 year old that was dropped by another woman 5months ago as he was so toxic!!! Boy after it all sunk in I laughed and still am to myself.

[Mack05]

ABL you still don't get it. I honestly think if she came back, you would eventually go back to her. You are like my ex. Right now you do not emotional capacity to absorb what is truly being said to you. In my last post, I have analyzed my ex's behaviour better then any Therapist, that she has ever gone to ever could. However if my ex read my last post on this thread, she would simply not absorb the content which soo clearly outlines her issues and defines her last two relationships (she would just insult me and stay blind).. You are the same. You too are blind..

 

From reading my last thread (and the linked articles attached) it is VERY clear me and my ex can never be a couple. Even if she acknowledged all her issues (and pigs were flying around her when she did) I would never allow myself to trust her again. I hope she ends up very happy, but that is it. Our relationships were toxic ABL. We both wondered why are ex's couldn't properly commit to us and why they put up an emotional wall. Here is one of MANY reasons why.

 

"To their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counterintuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?" Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce because you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in others lives--wouldn't you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that could follow if they do! You will never change this.The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough--but she'll push you away, the instant that you do! Quite literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don't. This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be gratified. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly toxic to you"

 

But unlike you ABL the message has finally gotten through to me. If my ex came back there is no way in hell I would even consider even talking to her, let alone take her back (again see my last post in this thread). Not only that, I don't care what happens in her life. I just want to move on with mine. Why can I think this clearly when my heart is still broken? I just read my last post on this thread! These women are fundamentally broken ABL. Broken.

 

But we are just as broken and you simply can't digest this obvious fact. In the caregiver/BPD (and then the NPD/BPD) article when I first read it, I said to myself "Yes this is my ex to a tee. It describes her behaviours and traits perfectly". But then I read it a second time, solely focusing on the flaws of the 'caregiver' in the relationship. I was honest enough with myself to say "yes this is me". I could see that I have unknown attachment issues. Up until last night I had no idea what attachment issues/theories meant. This morning I bought a book on attachment theory...It's about helping me grow and mature as a person. To go back to my past and fully resolve, so that I can have a healthy future.

 

So do you see how we are dealing with this differently? I understand and comprehend why my last R can't work. It's not up to me to enlighten my ex or 'fix' her issues. It's up to me to fix myself. You still obsess about your ex. No offence but it doesn't matter if this guys is 5 2 or 6 2 if he has a small **** or a huge ****. It doesn't matter if they have the best relationship in history or the worst. All you need to understand, is that as a couple you would never work! Right now you should want to fix your personal issues..

 

No offence you sound superficial. Great relationships are not built on a partner being super hot and great in bed -> "Hypersexuality in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes that she can control lovers in this way"..So this is what you want in a woman??

 

If you work hard on yourself, you will be hugely attracted to a woman with the right qualities for a life long partner -> honesty, dependability, strength of character, stable, flourishing lifestyle etc etc. Neither of us right now are attracted to or attracting that kind of woman with the traits mentioned above. You are broken, as am I. Slowly I am understanding what my issues are and what I need to do to resolve them. What are you doing ABL? Ignoring all advice given to you and writing some aimless story about your ex and some 5 foot 2 dude. Real progress is NOT constantly enquiring about your ex, talking about her and/or obessing about her. A point completely lost on you. A Bit Lost is a very apt name for you right now.

 

In the future (until you are healed) if someone mentions her name, you say I don't want to talk about it.

 

It would be really refreshing to see you take some time out (which I will be doing) and then come back to LS listing what your faults are, why you were attracted to your ex and what you did to resolve these flaws. This is the stuff that will help people here. Having every second guy on LS tell us their ex has BPD and regurgitating whacky stories about her, does not.

 

I am leaving LS soon. Not because I don't want to help. I do. I want to come back to LS and give the prespective of a caregiver and the mistakes I made and what I learnt. I can only do that with time and self reflection to understand exactly what these issues; that have affected my life thus far are. I don't want to be me last year (you now) rabbiting about my ex's faults, reciting aimless pointless stories about her and what her issues are.

 

I just hope it eventually sinks in what people are telling you..Only you can help you and you can only do this by becoming self aware to your own problems..

Edited March 29, 2012 by Mack05

[a_bit_lost]

Mack... Sorry.

 

Yes, you're right. Things aren't going in one ear and out of the other, this I assure you of, I am beginning to realise - I am beginning to say to people and think that 'It was my fault, I allowed this', I am. It has though softened the pain somewhat though hearing this.. Superficial you are right, yes I know, but for some reason it has softened it. I did even say last night to this girl was "I don't want to talk about it", but she insisted and explained that it wouldn't hurt me. Many times I said 'Don't want to talk about it' any more to her. I am making progress, I sure am. Looking back at my posts one month ago I sure am doing SO much better and a lot of that is from here and things like yourself and many others have said. I felt powerful after all this information had sunk in - I've got a long way to go with me, i'm aware of that. Am I over her - No, I am not over her looks, I'm aware of this. But boy Mack - I am better than one month ago. Your comments on here are amazing, inspiring and your methods look effortless, much like the other kind souls on here - I'm envious of where you are at in your life and the progress you've made. If you do leave here chap ping me your email address in a private message.

 

I've read the articles you've supplied, I've actually read the whole content of that site before - My heart sank the first time, it was like looking in a mirror at my situation too 100% - I'm aware of what this is. I'm aware this woman will attempt more with me. I'M AWARE. I need to heal and be strong.

Edited March 29, 2012 by a_bit_lost