Do you ever feel like it's just not meant to happen for you?

[Imajerk17]

I know I was ridiculously hung up on that guy. I swear it's over now, though. I SWEAR! I've realized a lot about that situation in the last 2 weeks or so. I deleted him completely from my life. All his numbers, his e-mail contact, his fb... gone. I'm over it. And it's his loss.

 

As for the new guy, I really did give him a chance. It just isn't working right now. He's fine to hang out with and date but it wouldn't work as anything more than that right now because of he lack of time we have to be together. I'm not clingy or needy while casually dating but if I'm in a relationship I want to spend time with that person. I want them to be a part of my life and to be a part of theirs. It's just not possible with us. We haven't had the time to really even form a relationship. He doesn't even have time to talk on the phone or text. I really haven't even been able to find out all that much about him besides the usual dinner chit chatty topics because the time just isn't there. We aren't compatible in that respect.

 

 

Fair enough. You did give the guy you were seeing a shot after all.

 

I still think there's something off with your people picker though. I wonder if you are writing off guys who would be great for you. I mean, look at it this way: Of all the guys who have asked you out, you still got hung up on someone whom you've only said bad things about ("needy", "low self-esteem", "manipulative"). What attracted you to him then, and of ALL the guys who asked you out this fall, wasn't there anyone better for you among them?

 

Don't mean to keep revisiting this, but I think this these are good questions.

 

(You HAVE admitted at times that you were responsible for the relationship ending. That's not the same as actually saying good things about the other person you know...)

Edited December 16, 2011 by Imajerk17

[ditzchic]

Fair enough. You did give the guy you were seeing a shot after all.

 

I still think there's something off with your people picker though. I wonder if you are writing off guys who would be great for you. I mean, look at it this way: Of all the guys who have asked you out, you still got hung up on someone whom you've only said bad things about ("needy", "low self-esteem", "manipulative"). What attracted you to him then, and of ALL the guys who asked you out this fall, wasn't there anyone better for you among them?

 

Don't mean to keep revisiting this, but I think this these are good questions.

 

(You HAVE admitted at times that you were responsible for the relationship ending. That's not the same as actually saying good things about the other person you know...)

 

What attracted me to him in the beginning was our ridiculously similar sense of humor. I kind of knew from the word go that it wasn't going to work out. He was very clingy. Very needy. He always had to be around, he always wanted to be in constant contact and he was really pushy. I was actually considering cancelling our first official date for those reasons but I went any way. I thought maybe I was just trying to talk myself out of it (because I am ridiculously picky) so I went anyway. Our first date wasn't that awesome. It was alright, just not fantastic. He talked too much and dominated most of the conversations. I made up my mind on the car ride back to his place he wasn't getting a second. Then he kissed me and all bets were off.... It was the best first kiss of my life. No kidding, there were fireworks. There were lots of good things about him. He was attentive, interested in my interests, nice, polite, kind and really funny. Yes there were a ton of bad things but I knew there was more to him. I wanted to dig deeper and get to those parts. He had been through a lot in his life and it jaded him pretty good. I wanted to see what he was like when the mask came off. I think thats why I stuck around for so long when I wasn't really happy. Because I knew that it wasn't the real him. I wanted to see the real him. I was willing to put myself out there on a limb to get there but I hung out on the limb too long and then I lost my sense of security so I got scared, passive aggressive and cold. When I like someone I tend to be very loyal to them until some kind of huge deal breaker presents itself... that's just how I roll.

 

I went out with a few other guys over the course of the fall. I've had 4 first dates from Sept-now. There was nothing doing anywhere. The guy that I'm cutting loose this weekend was the closest to something happening but there's the time issue.

[ScienceGal]

May I ask why you left those 3 dudes?

 

And I am glad you dont regret your decisions. Carpe Diem, No Regrets. Every experience in life leads you exactly where you need to be. Youll be happy eventually.

 

1) I was too young (21) and he was 28 with a 7 year old son.

2) He was an alcoholic and we constantly fought, broke up, and got back together.

^Both of these two could have turned into marriages had I wanted that.

3) He was younger (21) and I was 27. We got along, until I realized that he wasn't being himself. He never wanted to argue or have any disagreement, so he would outright lie about his feelings (including moral values). It was like my first relationship with the roles reversed.

Edited December 16, 2011 by ScienceGal

[Imajerk17]

What attracted me to him in the beginning was our ridiculously similar sense of humor. I kind of knew from the word go that it wasn't going to work out. He was very clingy. Very needy. He always had to be around, he always wanted to be in constant contact and he was really pushy. I was actually considering cancelling our first official date for those reasons but I went any way. I thought maybe I was just trying to talk myself out of it (because I am ridiculously picky) so I went anyway. Our first date wasn't that awesome. It was alright, just not fantastic. He talked too much and dominated most of the conversations. I made up my mind on the car ride back to his place he wasn't getting a second. Then he kissed me and all bets were off.... It was the best first kiss of my life. No kidding, there were fireworks. There were lots of good things about him. He was attentive, interested in my interests, nice, polite, kind and really funny. Yes there were a ton of bad things but I knew there was more to him. I wanted to dig deeper and get to those parts. He had been through a lot in his life and it jaded him pretty good. I wanted to see what he was like when the mask came off. I think thats why I stuck around for so long when I wasn't really happy. Because I knew that it wasn't the real him. I wanted to see the real him. I was willing to put myself out there on a limb to get there but I hung out on the limb too long and then I lost my sense of security so I got scared, passive aggressive and cold. When I like someone I tend to be very loyal to them until some kind of huge deal breaker presents itself... that's just how I roll.

 

I went out with a few other guys over the course of the fall. I've had 4 first dates from Sept-now. There was nothing doing anywhere. The guy that I'm cutting loose this weekend was the closest to something happening but there's the time issue.

 

I say, Go back and reread this again. Faulty people picker. The signs were there from the very beginning, but you know you ignored a couple of HUGE red flags to go out with him. You CHOSE to ignore them. And so of course you got burned.

 

 

That is probably what has been doing you in. If you're really so great (and I'm sure you are): I'm sure you could find a lot of nice guys who kiss really well, are attentive to your interests, have a lot of good in them, and are funny, BUT who aren't so immature, needy, and clingy.... AND who don't bring up their favorite porn stars(!), right?

Edited December 16, 2011 by Imajerk17

[ditzchic]

I say, Go back and reread this again. Faulty people picker. The signs were there from the very beginning, but you know you ignored a couple of HUGE red flags to go out with him. And so of course you got burned.

 

 

I'm sure you could find a lot of guys who are attentive to your interests, have a lot of good in them, and are funny, BUT who aren't so immature, needy, and clingy.... AND who don't bring up their favorite porn stars(!), right?

 

I know there were huge red flags. I knew it from the first night he started texting me when I left my phone in the car while I ran into my parent's house for what should have been 5-10 minutes. I got stuck in there helping my mom out with something for over an hour and when I came back out to my car there were 7 texts from him asking why I wasn't answering him and if I was upset with him. Believe me, I saw the red flags right away. For some reason, that I have no way of explaining, I was ok with it from this guy. I have cut guys off for far far less than the way he was acting. I just couldn't do it with him. I wish I could explain it. I can't. I felt drawn to him. I don't take that feeling lightly.

 

Yeah he was the one that went on about porn, strip clubs, lesbians and his threesome fantasies. He smoked weed. Drank too much. I caught him in a few lies (1 huge one). He still kept in contact with exes. Was happy to share about his crush on one of his married co-workers who he talked about A LOT. Gave way too much information about past hookups. Plus straight up told me that he's self-conscious, insecure and uncomfortable being himself anywhere but his work (which he is very good at). He would also objectify and embarrass me with stories about our sex life in front of his friends when he got drunk. All big bright red flags that told me to run and I tried to run... but I just couldn't... I really did try. I dumped him 3 times but kept taking him back. I've never had a problem with self-esteem or self-worth but he really did a number on both. All for the sake of the butterflies...

[Imajerk17]

I know there were huge red flags. I knew it from the first night he started texting me when I left my phone in the car while I ran into my parent's house for what should have been 5-10 minutes. I got stuck in there helping my mom out with something for over an hour and when I came back out to my car there were 7 texts from him asking why I wasn't answering him and if I was upset with him. Believe me, I saw the red flags right away. For some reason, that I have no way of explaining, I was ok with it from this guy. I have cut guys off for far far less than the way he was acting. I just couldn't do it with him. I wish I could explain it. I can't. I felt drawn to him. I don't take that feeling lightly.

 

Yeah he was the one that went on about porn, strip clubs, lesbians and his threesome fantasies. He smoked weed. Drank too much. I caught him in a few lies (1 huge one). He still kept in contact with exes. Was happy to share about his crush on one of his married co-workers who he talked about A LOT. Gave way too much information about past hookups. Plus straight up told me that he's self-conscious, insecure and uncomfortable being himself anywhere but his work (which he is very good at). He would also objectify and embarrass me with stories about our sex life in front of his friends when he got drunk. All big bright red flags that told me to run and I tried to run... but I just couldn't... I really did try. I dumped him 3 times but kept taking him back. I've never had a problem with self-esteem or self-worth but he really did a number on both. All for the sake of the butterflies...

 

Wow. You're lucky you didn't end up being in some sort of danger. Or maybe you are. He might come back into your life as a stalker. He sounds like the kind of guy who would do that. All because of some sort of "feeling" that you "don't take lightly". Go you....

 

Not to sound harsh, but your thread would be a lot more accurate if you had titled it "I'm alone because I make horrible decisions with my love life. How can I be smarter and get better boundaries and improve my choices?"

 

EDIT: Not trying to bag on you in particular here. I'm just as harsh on the male "Lovable Losers". A LOT of people blame their lack of success on their bad luck, when really it's their bad choices. It's all about taking responsibility.

Edited December 16, 2011 by Imajerk17

[ditzchic]

Wow. You're lucky you didn't end up being in some sort of danger. Or maybe you are. He might come back into your life as a stalker. He sounds like the kind of guy who would do that. All because of some sort of "feeling" that you "don't take lightly". Go you....

 

Not to sound harsh, but your thread would be a lot more accurate if you had titled it "I'm alone because I keep making horrible decisions with my love life. How can I be smarter and get better boundaries and improve my choices?"

 

Well he does keep prodding me with littel tidbits here and there.. which is why I took him off of facebook and deleted his e-mail contact.. But yeah, I don't think I'm in danger. He's kind of a puss.

 

And I'm not taking you as harsh. I agree. I have made bad decisions. Haven't we all? I don't think anyone that has always made the perfect decisions would be any where close to this forum. Your input has actually helped a lot. I do need to start figuring out exactly what my boundaries are, what exactly is inside those boundaries and enforcing when someone crosses the lines. Thank you!

[ditzchic]

EDIT: Not trying to bag on you in particular here. I'm just as harsh on the male "Lovable Losers". A LOT of people blame their lack of success on their bad luck, when really it's their bad choices. It's all about taking responsibility.

 

I am not a loser!!! lol. I get what your saying though. And I'm not blaming luck. I don't believe in luck. I know it's my problem. Just don't understand why I can't bust through it, that's all....

[Imajerk17]

Glad I could help. And subconsciously, I am doing it for somewhat selfish reasons. Anytime a great girl ends up with a great guy, we win. Anytime a great girl ends up with a creep or a loser, we lose.