Unstable life, unstable relationship.

[BoredAgain]

 

This could be paranoia like you said But I've had this done to me before, they let you meet the next guy..I had a ex who did this to me, I could never figure out why they do that.

 

who knows. this could be only friendship. whats your Gut tell you ?

 

 

My gut is telling me that she has feelings for him of some sort. But, again, it easily could be paranoia because he shares the same name as the guy who my high school girlfriend left me for. They've also gotten friendly fairly quickly... he goes out to the bars and clubs with her and her other friends.

[Teuen101]

My gut is telling me that she has feelings for him of some sort. But, again, it easily could be paranoia because he shares the same name as the guy who my high school girlfriend left me for. They've also gotten friendly fairly quickly... he goes out to the bars and clubs with her and her other friends.

 

meh, He is going out to bars with her ? how do you even know the othere friends are going along?, Hmmm huge red flag, how do you know it's not him and her alone ?

 

Do you talk to the othere people that go along with them to the bars and clubs or is she telling you this ?

[hoping2heal]

My gut is telling me that she has feelings for him of some sort. But, again, it easily could be paranoia because he shares the same name as the guy who my high school girlfriend left me for. They've also gotten friendly fairly quickly... he goes out to the bars and clubs with her and her other friends.

 

Norajane has some absolutely, spot on points. Honesty! Right now we are immersed in a dating culture that teaches us to be bad communicators and resort to manipulation and psychological game playing to both express ourselves and get what we want out of relationships. It just leads to issues!

 

Ten bucks says it is no accident you were introduced to this man last night. You know why? She is using him as a ploy to get at you. She's still hurting over you initiating a break - just like norajane mentioned - it made her uncertain not of her future, but of you (Though I think it's clear she's unsure about her future but that is totally separate.)

 

Right now your girlfriend has either 1. picked up some bad advice 2. just doing what she has learned and instead of saying "Listen, I'm worried about my future and under a lot of stress. I love you and I want us to be together, I want to know you feel the same way about me that I feel about you and it hurt me badly when you initiated a break now I am feeling fearful and insecure."

 

Instead she is using masquerades in her attempt to tell you those things and is mistakenly thinking she is doing so no doubt. She is initiating breaks and introducing you to men who are similar to you and making sure you know all about her behavior - why? She's searching for a reaction and response from you - she wants to know you care - and she is going about it the entirely wrong way.

 

And you know what? Your response to these ploys are one of a few reasons why these are so bad! The most obvious one right now is that you are reading her signals all wrong. Now you're wondering does she have feelings for another guy? Meanwhile, if you choose to respond with "space" you know what she is going to read? "Oh my god, he doesn't even care that much! He initiated a break because he wanted to let me down gently."

 

Neither one of you will be getting what you want and you will both end up hurt over what? For why? No good reason, that is for sure!

 

I know you mentioned you are just going to give her space but please, please, please strongly consider what I said about having an honest conversation about how you feel with her. You only have to have one and guess what? If you really think it is creating a problem? You can easily go the "give her room" method but right now I think this is a very classic case of two people misreading one another's signals because they aren't communicating clearly and honestly without the bells and whistles. When I say give her support I only mean telling her how you feel; that you love her and want to stay together and want to work through your issues - that doesn't mean kissing her butt and holding her hand.

 

I just mean put your cards honestly on the table - and I think you will be both surprised and pleased at the outcome you may get. I just get a feeling about you two and I really do not think this is about her wanting to be single or some other man.

[Teuen101]

Ten bucks says it is no accident you were introduced to this man last night. You know why? She is using him as a ploy to get at you. She's still hurting over you initiating a break - just like norajane mentioned

 

This is her choice, this is just like my ex did to me, fact is my ex did the same thing, she told me she loved me, however was spending time with anothere man at 2am and 3 am, and me telling her I loved her all the way, did it matter ? no, Will it matter in his instance who knows, But he go's rushing in she will bolt on him, she is making her choices right now, you can try to tell her you love her but at the end of the day it's her call,

 

You don't grab anothere man and bring him into the picture when your relationship is going down hill thats Emotional manipulation. I don't think she understand she is doing it to be honest, and besides he has made it clear he wants her back he is asking all the questions about the future, your making it sound like, he don't and she has to go to her bag of tricks to get him to come back to her. ?

 

She is initiating breaks and introducing you to men who are similar to you and making sure you know all about her behavior - why? She's searching for a reaction and response from you - she wants to know you care - and she is going about it the entirely wrong way.

 

I agree, however like I said, I don't think she is planning this out, When my ex did this to me, I told her I cared and it didn't matter her mind was on some one else at this point, she was even compairing him to me. I explained to her he isn't me, you've been with this guy what 2 weeks, sure he is going to be cool, you dont know him yet, however you know me.

 

She is trying to replace you, gotta think some people think it's easyer to start over then to face there problems and work on the relationship with people they really do care about. however if you try to explain this to her she will not get it. why ? I'm glad you asked, like you said she don't want to deal with her problems or future, the more you bring them up the more upset she gets with you I'm sure,

 

I know you mentioned you are just going to give her space but please, please, please strongly consider what I said about having an honest conversation about how you feel with her. You only have to have one and guess what? If you really think it is creating a problem? You can easily go the "give her room" method but right now I think this is a very classic case of two people misreading one another's signals because they aren't communicating clearly and honestly without the bells and whistles. When I say give her support I only mean telling her how you feel; that you love her and want to stay together and want to work through your issues - that doesn't mean kissing her butt and holding her hand.

 

I just mean put your cards honestly on the table - and I think you will be both surprised and pleased at the outcome you may get. I just get a feeling about you two and I really do not think this is about her wanting to be single or some other man.

 

I agree with this however it might not work, go lay your cards out on the table tell her how you feel, tell her you want to work this out and you have nothing to lose, But warning, do not chase her, just say it and put the ball in her court and leave it at that.

 

I do not think this is a classic case of misreading one another's signals because. she is out partying everynight with some guy, she is a grown woman and needs to learn handle her relationship without bringing anothere man into the picture to send you signals. that's just flat out wrong on all levels.

 

(1. if she loves she will fight for you just like you fight for her simple as that. you guys had no problem communicating clearly when you first met whats changed in that time?

 

Asking some one if they want to brake up shouldn't cause this much of a problem, you felt a problem coming on so you wanted to find out how she felt. you wanted to see where you both are going in life, like you said she seemed stressed out and you was worried, I've done this and most the time they say no they love me and it's the end of that.

 

All you can really do is be honest with your self tell her you love her and you want her and if she don't respond then say..ok, and go NC..

 

that way you can walk away and say you tried. however if she trys to string you along or give you false hope drop her. if she says she don't know what she wants don't try to change her mind just walk.

 

 

sorry for the spelling and grammer hope you can understand this

[wilsonx]

Here's the thing, Ive watched this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Homebrew has gone through it a couple times too. I've gone through it twice. There's always that new "single" friend that comes into the picture. One of my goals on this forum is to show people to start trusting themselves and not hide their feelings. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS Trust yourself, your gut. Don't listen to other people, you are writing down stuff and not listening to what you are saying,Im just the highlighter pointing it out.

I left the other guy comment out because I wanted him to post it and his feelings on it.

 

You said key words, going back to drug use (or suggesting it... if its brought up shes doing it... its that simple... she did the test question to get a reaction out of you). Walling up, getting mad a slight things, she's setting you up to be dumped. If you want to get the explosion of ALL THESE THINGS ARE YOUR FAULT breakup speech, keep pressing her, if you want to end this peacefully, do what someone else suggested, "Look I love you and I care for you but right now I agree that we both need space" and then go back to NC

 

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

 

Hoping2heal, that's her fault, she needs to grow up. She can't go through life acting like a kid and testing the waters. You know how she learns and grows from this? Going through the inevitable. She's acting out like a kid. How does cottling, giving her what she wants and the reaction she wants when she behaves as a kid let her grow as a person. It doesnt work like that. We all on this forum learn from our mistakes. From the bad decisions we made. People can tell us to do the right thing but then we still continue to make bad decisions because we don't want to believe them.

 

I know for a fact everything I posted is whats happening. I know BoredAgain is not going to believe me on what I posted. I came here 3 nights before my breakup speech and did not believe a word homebrew told me. Even a week after the breakup and she finally admitted she had feelings for that "Friend" she was hanging out with, I still did not believe anything, not even my own voice inside of me screaming at me to listen. This is all part of the process, ride it out and dont regret it, because you will learn to start trusting yourself and your feelings. This is how you grow as a person

[BoredAgain]

Unfortunately, Teuen, I think you're right. I recall that at the beginning of our relationship, when we were both going back to colleges about 1.5 hours apart (neither of us had cars and we knew it'd be much harder to see each other), I asked her if we should stay together or end things amicably. Without hesitation she said that she wanted to stay together, and we each worked hard to get people to give us rides.

 

This time, I had sensed something was off. Two days prior I had tried to have the "what is our plan for the future?" talk, but it didn't go anywhere. The next day she didn't even call me. And the next day was the break-up. It was all very sudden. When we got back together that was very sudden too and her mood became completely different for the rest of the week. Then Friday, she was sullen and quiet again and suggested a break. But we spent the day together and by night she was telling me everything was great. Then the next night (yesterday), she suggested a week break.

 

I know I hashed this all out, but I just wanted to give you a sense of how quickly things happened. Before all this - a week and a half ago - our relationship seemed as solid as ever.

 

Maybe there is something to the manipulation thing. She's been saying some weird stuff. For instance, when we first broke up she told me that she had a miserable time on the last vacation we took together. And, trust me, I know this isn't true (she even told me that, on second thought, it wasn't true when we briefly reconciled). Then last night she told me that when I was out of town recently, she's not sure that she actually missed me. I don't believe that either - she called me a bunch of times every day and told me she missed me constantly.

[hoping2heal]

Teuen & OP (I hope what I have to say will still apply to you here, I addressed you in the last paragraph)

 

This is her choice, this is just like my ex did to me, fact is my ex did the same thing, she told me she loved me, however was spending time with anothere man at 2am and 3 am, and me telling her I loved her all the way, did it matter ? no, Will it matter in his instance who knows, But he go's rushing in she will bolt on him, she is making her choices right now, you can try to tell her you love her but at the end of the day it's her call,

 

This is a valid point - I understand that in some cases if you rush to the person it will push them away. I just don't see it in the case of these two. That is more likely in a case where the girl has a wandering eye (or guy) in this case none of this break nonsense ever began until he did it first.

 

You don't grab anothere man and bring him into the picture when your relationship is going down hill thats Emotional manipulation.

 

Absolutely correct! It is manipulation and it not only leads to problems inside the relationship but it leads to major communication woes as well, never good! I don't think she's doing it to be malicious either - I think she is doing it because she doesn't know any better - I am not giving her a free pass but unfortunately I read about it constantly from both men and women - people seem to find it really hard to just say what they mean in basic terms without speaking out of emotion or trying to ploy.

 

I don't think she understand she is doing it to be honest, and besides he has made it clear he wants her back he is asking all the questions about the future, your making it sound like, he don't and she has to go to her bag of tricks to get him to come back to her. ?

 

If I made it sound that way it was not the intention, I was pointing out what I thought she was doing - I do not approve nor condone it and I think it is totally wrong - I am offering her potential perspective - you have to keep in mind that he initiated the first break (again, this does not make her behavior right) I am trying to point out that I think she is acting this way because she thinks she needs to pull out the tricks - she is feeling insecure and fearful after their break and she was already battling a boatload of pressure about her personal life. I understand he wants to be with her and I also understand she doesn't need to resort to these measures - the problem is that she doesn't understand that - which can be cleared up easily with honest communication.

 

 

 

I agree with this however it might not work, go lay your cards out on the table tell her how you feel, tell her you want to work this out and you have nothing to lose, But warning, do not chase her, just say it and put the ball in her court and leave it at that.

 

This is true that it might not work out, obviously I am not some all knowing anything and I can only give my opinion based on the information I have. That does not ever make me right - but I just get these hunches. I agree no chasing - just honesty. If he is 100% honest with her about how he feels, how much he loves her and wants to work this out? Chasing shouldn't be an issue.

 

I do not think this is a classic case of misreading one another's signals because. she is out partying everynight with some guy, she is a grown woman and needs to learn handle her relationship without bringing anothere man into the picture to send you signals. that's just flat out wrong on all levels.

 

You'll get no argument from me there! It is not right behavior but that also doesn't mean just because its wrong that it isn't just her goading him, either.

 

(1. if she loves she will fight for you just like you fight for her simple as that. you guys had no problem communicating clearly when you first met whats changed in that time?

 

Well, that's what I'm trying to say. I think she is trying to fight for him - she is just doing it in a completely backwards way. She is doing these things to shake him up emotionally and get a reaction - it's not nice and it's not good but she wants to know he cares is what it looks like to me.

 

Asking some one if they want to brake up shouldn't cause this much of a problem,

 

Well, suggesting a break does cause this much of a problem because suddenly your partner starts questioning what your motive is. Is it because you met someone else? Are you trying to let them down gently? Are you no longer in love? Are you just bored with the relationship? It breeds a whole pile of insecurity.

 

 

All you can really do is be honest with your self tell her you love her and you want her and if she don't respond then say..ok, and go NC..

 

that way you can walk away and say you tried. however if she trys to string you along or give you false hope drop her. if she says she don't know what she wants don't try to change her mind just walk.

 

 

I support this 100% be honest. Don't try to play it "cool and casual" don't act like you can take it or leave it - be honest and show her much she means to you and then? If she really does shoot you down? You have your answer.

[hoping2heal]

 

Maybe there is something to the manipulation thing. She's been saying some weird stuff. For instance, when we first broke up she told me that she had a miserable time on the last vacation we took together. And, trust me, I know this isn't true (she even told me that, on second thought, it wasn't true when we briefly reconciled). Then last night she told me that when I was out of town recently, she's not sure that she actually missed me. I don't believe that either - she called me a bunch of times every day and told me she missed me constantly.

 

Okay you must be sick of me by now but you see all of this? She is clearly saying some very hurtful things to see how you react to them. She wouldn't do that if she did not care. It doesn't make it right to resort to manipulation just because you care about someone - but she wouldn't even be going to such extremes if all she wanted was to be done with you, that is my instinct. She is just pressing buttons at this point and trying to figure out which one will she get the big response out of to verify you care about her?

 

Be careful to about judging her actions when the relationship has been going on much longer and she is much more invested compared to when things were new and it was..well? Easier to say how you felt or not get so defensive because the emotions weren't running quite as high as what tends to happen when things are in the deep. I hope that makes sense.

[wilsonx]

We are looking at this the wrong way.

 

We are posting about his current gf/ex whatever she is. I want to look at the bigger picture. We are tunnel visioned on her when we should be focusing on BoredAgain.

 

If you love somebody you let them go. Let them make poor decisions or whatever decisions they think is best. For him to continuously try to fix this relationship by himself and play these games, he's turning into Captain Save a Hoe (no offense). Its not his job to be that. He has his own journey to travel through in life. If she chooses to come along then invite her, if she doesn't let her go.

 

BoredAgain, you have so much potential with your life just waiting for you out there, your about to graduate, about to move somewhere different, about to start your own career, you do not need a wet blanket holding you down. Just count your lucky stars and tell yourself it could be worse, read the marriage and separation forums. That place makes me cringe. You are walking away scot free, no kids, no house, no shared bank account. You are going to learn so much from this, self worth, self respect, confidence, learn to conquer rejection, learn to trust your own instincts and so much more.

 

Now what do you gain by playing these games and fighting for someone that isn't fighting for you? Nothing but defeat, despair and pity. I am going to tell you its not worth man. Focus on you and your life, your dreams and goals, and everything else.

 

I think Hope2Heal sees something in his ex that use to be in her. Here's the thing, his ex doesnt see that because she hasnt experienced it herself. We can't change that. She wont understand what you tell her BoredAgain. Its not going to happen.

[BoredAgain]

Yeah... I think you're right. Unfortunately our relationship is going to be a casualty of her quarter-life crisis. So suddenly this "party girl" emerged who goes out until bar close, wants to smoke pot, and even recently got a bit drunk before class. All these things seemed completely unfathomable to the girl I dated for nearly 5 years. I have a feeling that in a few months the dust will settle on this crisis. But there's a good chance we'll probably be in different places - maybe in different states, maybe she'll even be with this new guy.

 

And you're right. No kids, no divorce, nothing like that. Things are so raw right now that it's so hard for me to see any future without her, it seemed like the most certain thing. But I know (intellectually, not emotionally) that life will go on.

[norajane]

Wow, you sure give up easy after 5 years together.

[BoredAgain]

Wow, you sure give up easy after 5 years together.

 

I want to work things out... she wants to avoid working things out. What more can I do?

[norajane]

I want to work things out... she wants to avoid working things out. What more can I do?

 

Have an honest conversation with her. Just tell her that you want to stay together, you want to stay together after graduation, and the only reason you have been asking her about her plans is because you are wondering if she wants to stay together.

 

If you haven't said that to her, you need to. Because it is not clear to me that she knows that, or knows what "working things out" means to you, because YOU started the "break" thing.

[BoredAgain]

Have an honest conversation with her. Just tell her that you want to stay together, you want to stay together after graduation, and the only reason you have been asking her about her plans is because you are wondering if she wants to stay together.

 

If you haven't said that to her, you need to. Because it is not clear to me that she knows that, or knows what "working things out" means to you, because YOU started the "break" thing.

 

She knows I'm willing to work it out. She's the one who is unsure - first she didn't, then she did, then she didn't, then she did, and now she doesn't again.

[wilsonx]

norajane... he's done all he can do... if homebrew was here... he would say... THIS IS GIGS...

 

his ex needs to grow up... from someone that tried to work on all the problems of the relationship himself, I can tell you what hes going through is absolutely no fun... How is he giving up? He's not, hes focusing on his own life. Is it going to hurt? Absolutely.

 

Watch when he pulls the 180 without her she will reappear in his life, they always do. My ex is sniffing back in my life right now. Now I have control of whether I want to deal with this same hoola hooping over again or find someone that wants to work through real life interdependent problems with me. The difference between back then and now for me, is I see these childish games she plays now, I can see that she isn't grown up because Ive had my space from her

[hoping2heal]

She knows I'm willing to work it out. She's the one who is unsure - first she didn't, then she did, then she didn't, then she did, and now she doesn't again.

 

Just to clarify - OP did you have a talk with her then and lay your cards out on the table after the slew of posts we exchanged over the Holiday weekend?

[BoredAgain]

Yes... we met today.

 

I told her that I wanted to deal with things as adults and no drama - we never had any drama in our relationship and that shouldn't change now. I basically explained that I love and care about her, and I think ending the relationship is a mistake. I told her that I think I understand that she's going through a difficult time (trying to figure out what direction to take her life), and I took responsibility for making things a bit more difficult with my current instability. I said it's easy to see why she's running away to place where she doesn't have to deal with things as much (partying, drinking, flirting with other guys, etc.), but things are going to come to a point where she'll have to make tough decisions.

 

I then told her that it's a shame that our relationship - one in which we rarely fight, have tons of fun together, been there for one another for nearly five years, and are so incredibly close - may be sacrificed because of this crisis. And I told her that this is up to her. I was willing to deal with any issues and I would love to help her through this time, but it's ultimately up to her. I then told her that I'm going to be moving forward with my life, getting everything together and I can't promise that I'll be there when things settle for her (though I told her that I wish I could promise that).

 

After that, she didn't say much. She was crying quietly. She mentioned one time a few months ago after we got in a dumb argument (we were at the end of a 10-day vacation, we were tired, and we hadn't been out of each others sight the entire time) she had a bit of doubt about moving in together... I told her that sort of thing is pretty typical. She then mentioned something about not being happy which I think was BS because she was always happy until this insecurity about the future set in... but I just let it go.

 

I wished her luck with graduation and figuring life out. We hugged. I told her I loved her, so I'm letting her go.

 

I feel pretty good about that. I said everything I felt I needed to say. I'll miss her greatly, but I did everything in my power. I do think that she'll regret it some day, but that's just life...

Edited November 30, 2011 by BoredAgain

[Teuen101]

Well said man, your golden and a real man never forget that. takes real guts to lay it all out there to her like you did and then walk away. thats being a man and not playing games.

[BoredAgain]

Well said man, your golden and a real man never forget that. takes real guts to lay it all out there to her like you did and then walk away. thats being a man and not playing games.

 

Thanks. It's been two days since that conversation, and I honestly haven't had the urge to contact her at all. I'm still thinking about her a lot, but I know that will fade.

 

I guess I have to get all of her stuff back to her at some point, but I think that can wait a bit.

[norajane]

You did great - good for you. It's always best to know where you stand, so you don't waste your life chasing after someone who is unsure of you. You no longer have to play the push-pull game; you no longer have to deal with the WTF? feeling and questions in your head.

 

She may or may not come around if and when she ever gets her act together, but that is not your fault. You can feel proud of yourself for standing up for yourself, being honest, and not leaving things unsaid that will bug you for months. It's empowering, and will make it far easier for you to move on from this and find someone later who will stand by you. Very often, in order to have the things (and people) we want in life, we have to say NO to the things that aren't right. You have to let go of the things holding you back in order to have room for the things you want, like a solid relationship with a future.

Edited December 2, 2011 by norajane

[BoredAgain]

Well, after 30+ days of No Contact, I finally saw her...

 

I think I mentioned earlier in this thread that I had a big box of her stuff. I've had it for months, actually, because we were planning on moving in together soon. When we broke up, she said she didn't care about it. I figured I'd just store it, wait several months, and give it back to her when I was ready (as it's too big to ship and I don't have friends who would be comfortable returning it for me).

 

Well, a few days ago she emailed me to ask if she could stop by and get it. I ignored the email, I think for two reasons: 1. I didn't think I was ready to see her. 2. I think, on some level, I didn't want to give up my last excuse for seeing her. But she emailed me again last night, and I figured I do the adult thing.

 

So she stopped by today. It was very quick and easy... the whole encounter lasted maybe 30 seconds. She returned some of my stuff too, but, hilariously, it was mostly junk. An old tennis racket, a DVD I forgot I bought, a bottle of sun tan lotion, etc.

 

However, hidden amongst this jumble of garbage was a greeting card (dated from about two weeks after I started NC). In it, she told me how sorry she was that the relationship was over. She mentioned how great her memories are, how great I was to her, and how she hopes I still think fondly of the relationship too. And she basically told me how awesome I am in general.

 

It was a really difficult note to read. But I got out of it three things. 1. She wants me to move on. 2. She sad about the breakup to some extent. 3. She feels guilty and hopes I don't hate her.

 

Ugh... Back to NC. I feel like I've had a setback. Maybe now that I have absolutely no reason to ever see her again, I can move forward a bit faster and better.